It's hard to believe I was 16 when this started. Looking through some of the old entries that weren't purged at one time or another is a strange trip down memory lane. So much drama. So much anger. Pettiness. To have known then what I know now. Time travel to the past however is merely a pipe dream.

"Where you going?" "With luck: forward."

Anxiety is at an all-time high today. Nervous and neurotic activities are extremely high. I can't focus. I can't get anything done. I just want to run away from it.

Running away is selfish, but I'm a selfish child. When the going gets tough, I get going. Away. I can't be too uncomfortable about it. That's why I never achieve anything. As soon as it ( Read more... )

I felt really old looking at apartments on Saturday. I'm going to be that "weird, old guy" who lives by himself in the building, as opposed to the weird, old guy who lives with a random kid. I'll be 35 when school starts. Some of these kids will be half my age. There's a lot of nagging doubt that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm just going to be ( Read more... )

It's not that I have no ambition. It's more clearly stated that I have too much. I'm overwhelmed with things I want to do, things well outside the scope for the time I have. They're largely tasks which have no finite end, so I'm able to devote less and less time to each new thing while maintaining prior obligations. Time is the one resource that I' ( Read more... )

There's only 50 days until applications are due. I still don't know the best direction to go. I'm chiefly worried about what will happen if I go and live in Charlottesville or Fairfax instead of staying here at home. Without a support system to monitor my progress, will I just totally fall off the wagon again? That's my biggest fear.

It's been a real battle this four-day weekend to stay on task. I barely got anything done other than caving in to my dopamine addictions of old. It's the structured nature of it: I do this list of tasks, and I know what the end result will be. It's comforting in that way. There's no uncertainty like I experience from one day to the next. That's ( Read more... )

I couldn't get anything done today. There's just an overwhelming number of things I have to do, need to do, want to do, and like to do, and it hit me today that I definitely don't have unlimited time both in the day-to-day and the finality sense. I started thinking about all the people of little remark that I read about in the Middle Ages. They ( Read more... )

It's just one test, but for someone who derives so much enthusiasm and self-worth from academic performance, today's physic test grade has really dealt me a serious blow. I'm so miserable most of the time because I'm trying so hard to do well, to prove that the me from ten years ago is long since gone, so outcomes like this make me question what on ( Read more... )

Four months. It's coming so soon. I'm both excited and terrified 

I've ventured so far off the path at this point.