Pray For Rain - Part 2
Title: Pray For Rain - Part 2
Rating: NC-17
Pairing/Characters: Roy/Ed,Roy/Riza
Word Count: 15,598
Summary: Ed disappeared back through the gate a year and a half ago. It's taken that long for Roy to really come to terms with it, and now he's moved on in the belief that Ed is truly gone. It's working out well until a familiar face shows back up on his doorstep.
A/N: Written for fma_big_bang. It was actually intended to be Roy/Ed/Riza, mostly plotless, and full of smut. It proceeded to grow a mind of its own, give me the finger, and this is the result.
A huge, huge thank you to elfen. She is utterly amazing, and I absolutely could not have pulled this together coherently without her.
Thank you also to my big bang artist, jojo_kun, who did a lovely illustration for the story. It can be found here.
Back to Part 1
Maybe he could find a way to love her, too. She had made a concession, mostly for Roy. It was for him too though, wasn’t it? Roy was hers now and yet… and yet she’d stopped him from leaving when she didn’t have to.
He’d tried to understand. Roy loved her for a reason, right? Maybe if he could feel it too, every touch that passed between them wouldn’t poke at his wounded places. Every day he stayed felt like borrowed time, leaving him hollow and lonely. A hopeless smile no one believed in was all that masked his shadows.
Still, he refused to admit defeat. To give up on this was to give up on Roy, and if this was what Roy needed, he could bear the pain. He smiled when he didn’t want to. He kept going until it didn’t feel right, but it felt normal to fall asleep with his arm draped over Roy and Riza both.
What was love, anyway? She was pretty, beautiful really, even if her gaze didn’t cut right through him the way Roy’s did. She was smart and kind and he liked her well enough. For all that he sought to reason himself into wanting this, nothing would sink in, and he could not make any more than friendly affection take root.
Never one to believe something couldn’t be done, Ed switched tactics. Searching for an answer, he’d been almost relieved to find her hands on his face, smoothing over his hair. Maybe this would do something to assuage his grief. It was a point of no return, and he hesitated, working his lip between his teeth before whispering, “Could I… kiss you?”
She nodded and he leaned in, pretending it didn’t ache down to his core. Tentatively, he pressed his lips to hers, wishing he weren’t surprised that he felt nothing at the chaste contact. No, it couldn’t be right. This had to work.
He tried again, harder, deeper. Her lips were more pliant than Roy’s. They gave easily, and on a purely physical level, it even felt good. There was nothing more than that, and Ed turned away, flushed and ashamed. He explained because he felt he had to. She ought to know, after all. “I just… I wanted to know why…”
She smiled in what she probably imagined was recognition, and Ed only ached more. When she leaned in to kiss him again, he let it go. He dragged fingers through her hair, hanging on in a parody of something he could not feel.
Ed did not dare ask what it meant to her, if it was anything at all. Better not to know than to live with the truth of what he was doing. Ed squeezed his eyes shut, pretending this was okay. They shared a bed, night after night. Wasn’t this just one more step?
He tried, fabricating hope where there was none. This was for Roy, and yet… as her teeth scraped across his lip, only disgrace coiled in his belly. He clung to her for all he was worth, faking what he could not sustain. It was bitter and cold, but he could not stop, determination driving him where love could not.
There was never a time when he’d taken the easy way out, but if there had been one, he would have made an exception. It was more difficult in some ways, more so than being lost to home and hope and Roy. He pressed on anyway, putting up a front and praying that if he worked hard enough, gave up enough, he could see this situation as more than painful.
It got easier after a while, and sometimes Ed could almost believe he had convinced himself to really want this. She was warm and soft, and he wanted to want this. Wouldn’t it be simple if he could love her like he loved Roy? Wouldn’t it be easy if he didn’t feel like he was trespassing in the bed he’d been invited into?
And so he tried, willing his heart to conjure up what it could not. He reached out, but every give of tender flesh that wasn’t Roy’s felt like rot that began in his straying fingers and crawled along his skin. He had tried so hard, but eventually there was no more he could endure.
It was a hopeless endeavor. For all the nights Ed lay awake and tried to come up with some solution he just hadn’t managed grasp, there was nothing. Ed could no more teach himself to love Riza than he had been able to stop loving Roy. He felt pitiful in his own faithfulness that cared nothing for proximity or convenience, insisting on a path that promised only heartache and disaster.
The days dragged out, and the smile Ed pushed on them was more and more empty. They tolerated it, even seemed to buy it for a while. It couldn’t last though, and if Riza suspected, Roy knew.
“You don’t have to do this. I could never ask it of you,” Roy murmured against his ear, in a rare moment where they were well and truly alone. Only the light of the fireplace kept the dark at bay, and Ed wished he could just enjoy the feel of Roy’s arms around him.
“What else is there?” Ed asked, turning to look at Roy. There was no answer, so he didn’t wait for one, only pressing his face in the crook of Roy’s neck to hide.
A familiar hand smoothed over the back of his head, carefully plucking his ponytail free. Roy’s other arm coiled around his back as he whispered in empty air. “I’m sorry, Ed. I never… never meant for you to hurt.”
“Not like it’s your fault,” Ed murmured, offering forgiveness where his heart didn’t really want to. “I wasn’t coming back, remember?”
“I couldn’t ever forget.”
“Maybe…” and the words caught in his throat, miserable and broken. He couldn’t bring himself to do it, but Roy hurt and he’d have ripped his own heart out to stop it. “Maybe I should go… go back to… Rizembul.”
Roy didn’t say anything, but Ed could hear the way his breath caught in agony. His arms tightened around Ed as if maybe if he didn’t let go, Ed wouldn’t leave. But what was there to say when any concession was as good as goodbye?
“I’d be okay,” Ed assured him, speaking in the theoretical because he couldn’t bear to suggest that it was what he truly meant to do. He rambled on as if he wasn’t talking about a lifetime of misery. “I could go back to… to Rizembul, or…or I don’t know. I’m sure I could find work somewhere… else. I’d be fine.”
“I wouldn’t.” The admission was almost silent, even muffled against Ed’s throat. Roy clutched him like a rag doll, and when he finally looked up at Ed, the guilt he felt at telling the truth was plainly written on his face.
Ed smiled, sad and adoring, reaching out to cup Roy’s cheek. “You’d be okay. She’s good for you and… you’d be okay.”
Roy swallowed, his head hung until Ed couldn’t see his expression behind the dark fall of his hair. “I wouldn’t. I can’t lose you again.”
“Do you really think we can do this?” Ed pressed his fingers to Roy’s cheeks, gently lifting his head. He would hurt, bleed and break if it was what Roy needed.
Roy leaned in, brushing his lips across Ed’s cheek bone. “I wish that I knew.”
XX
Even mornings no longer offered any sort of peace. Roy woke to Ed draped across his chest, but even in slumber he did not seem at ease. His face was pressed to Roy’s throat, as if to hide from the rest of the world.
Riza was already awake. Before, she had nearly always stayed, waiting for him to wake. Even in the first weeks after Ed came home, he had woken to her eyes on him more often than not. She didn’t stay anymore, and it pricked at Roy’s conscience. Her side of the bed seemed vast and empty, and Roy frowned as he stared at it.
“This isn’t working, is it?” Ed’s voice was a soft, distressed murmur in his ear, still slurred with sleep. Anyone else he might have thought was speaking treacherously, trying to stack the deck in their favor. But Ed wasn’t like that. If he was doing anything other than grinning and bearing it, it was out of genuine concern for Roy or Riza, maybe both.
Roy was silent for a long time, not sure how he was meant to answer. Whatever the circumstances, what was he meant to do? Ed didn’t press, though he made a small, unhappy sound as Roy’s fingers carded through his hair.
Wincing, Roy shut his eye and held Ed against him, saying the only thing he could. “I don’t think it is.”
“I’m sorry.” Ed’s voice was laced in regret, as if he truly believed this was somehow his fault.
“Ed… please don’t.” He couldn’t bear the burden of Ed’s self inflicted guilt on top of his own.
“No, listen.” Ed sat up, his expression urgent and hopeless. “You love her. You were happy. If I hadn’t… if I hadn’t come back…”
“Stop.” Roy shouted, startling Ed into silence. “Is that really what you think? That I was happy? You don’t even know. Every day you were gone I…This was all I could do.”
Ed watched with wide eyes, his lips parted for words that wouldn’t come. He sighed softly, eventually finding the words to ask, “But you love her, don’t you?”
“I love her. I do. It’s just that,” Roy reached for an explanation, but there was none, any finesse he had fleeing in the face of this heartache. “Please, Ed. I…don’t think I’m strong enough to lose you again.”
“You say that like I could go. Even if I wanted I…” Ed shook his head, leaning it against Roy’s shoulder. “I’ll only go if you want me to.”
XXRoy’s lips covered hers, desperate to hold on to something slipping like sand through their fingers. She was too weak to say no, and she hated herself for that. She was as lost as he was, and she hated that too.
“I keep… thinking about it. The way things played out, but I don’t know what else I could have done.” Roy’s voice was soft and hollow in the broad expanse of the underground city where she found him. He stared at the Gate Ed left behind, and she wasn’t certain he’d even heard her approach. For all she knew, he was talking to Ed.
“Do you think punishing yourself will really bring him back, sir? It doesn’t seem like anything he’d want anyway.” Riza sighed in relief when she saw him nod his head ever so slightly.
“He wants me to close it so nothing else can get through.” Roy’s voice was carefully even. She might have thought it meant nothing if she hadn’t seen the way his jaw clenched faintly.
Riza took a step closer. “I’m sure he only means to look out for us.”
When Roy turned to look at her, his expression was calm, save for his eyes. He was quiet before finally muttering, “How does he expect me to just lock the door behind him when I don’t even know where he’s gone?”
Roy’s hands skimmed her sides, warm through the fabric of her shirt. His tongue flicked against her lips and she bitterly wondered if he meant any of it. No, that wasn’t fair. He loved her, and that was why it hurt so much. They couldn’t save each other, and neither one knew how to let go.
It took three times. Each time, Riza followed Roy down countless steps to a long forgotten city. Each time he just stood and stared, as if facing down his greatest nightmare.
The last time, she’d been certain he would retreat again, unable to follow through. He turned around, wincing in something like retreat. Two steps back toward Riza, he stopped abruptly, whirling back around. His hand lifted towards the ceiling, he snapped his fingers with a sort of agonized violence that seemed more like defeat than the hole Ed had left behind.
There was a blinding explosion that Riza struggled not to shy away from. Roy stood still, making no effort to avoid the debris that rained down as he snapped again and again. If he’d brought the whole world down around his ears, she wasn’t sure she’d have been particularly surprised.
He stood still until the dust settled, staring at the emptiness that remained. She had hoped it would give him the closure he needed, but he only looked bitter when he finally met her eye. Maybe she’d expected him to bid farewell, but there were no words. He only climbed the steps, never once looking back.
Maybe it was cruel. Maybe it was selfish. She couldn’t quite make herself care. Riza drank in every lying touch, every half truth he whispered in the reverent press of lips against hers. She let him kiss her, let herself kiss him back, memorizing the exact shape of his hands pressed to the small of her back.
Riza’s mouth pried itself from Roy’s, dragging along his jaw. She traced the curve of it with her tongue, committing the smoothness of his skin, the shivery sigh that bled from his lips to her memory. Roy only held on tighter, as if deep down, he understood.
Roy smiled more after that. He came back to Central, and she was happy to have something to believe in again. For a while, he said nothing about Edward, as if none of it had ever happened.
The story came in bits and pieces, over drinks or dinner. It was little things at first, incongruent moments in time that sounded nothing at all like the Edward she knew. They made him close his eye against the onslaught when he’d had a few too many, and smile fondly when he was sober, so she hadn’t the heart to question it.
Riza nipped at the junction of his jaw and neck. It was a place she knew well, and she wasn’t at all surprised by the way he gasped, clutching at her shirt. Roy’s eye slipped shut and he tipped his head back, humming in pleasure as her lips skimmed his throat.
She couldn’t remember the last time this had felt right. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to kiss him. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy the practiced slide of his hands up her spine, dragging her shirt with them. Good as it felt, there was too much shame wrapped up in it. Even with Ed out of the house, it felt like some kind of betrayal, turning in her stomach until she felt ill.
There were good days, days where they spent whole days together and Ed’s name never once came up. There were not so good days where Roy hardly seemed to notice her in the face of his own memories, and the ghost of a love not dead but gone. Still, Riza stuck around, and bit by bit there were more good days than not.
She wasn’t sure when she had started thinking about more than friendship and loyalty. Somewhere amidst the days where Roy didn’t hurt so much, her feelings had become more than platonic. Somewhere amidst quiet evenings and walks through the park, she’d started to believe she could get used to this, and when he finally leaned in, offering a soft press of lips on lips, she was helpless to turn him away.
This wasn’t what they were meant for. Her conscience berated her even as her hands lifted to let him pull her top away. She plucked the buttons of his shirt, bearing what didn’t really feel like hers anymore.
Every touch felt muted, dulled by the memory of someone else. Maybe it had always been like that, even before Ed had come back. Maybe she’d just been too hopeful to notice it. Now, there was no ignoring the way that even as Roy unhooked the fasteners on the back of her bra, even as he murmured at the drag of her nails over his chest, they weren’t together, not really.
She pushed and Roy went with her, tumbling back against the covers, her weight against his hips. Every time, he seemed more and more content to just let her. He was almost serene as she sat up, her body poised over his.
Roy reached out eventually, tracing her skin with his fingers. It should have been exquisite, but every touch felt like a lie. He almost seemed to stare right through her and her mind wickedly whispered that his thoughts were miles away.
Their first time was magic. She was just naïve enough to believe he was free. Every touch was electric as he worshiped her body. It didn’t matter who else had been in this bed;she was here now.
He left her ragged and pleading for more than her body could take. His kisses seared her lips and in her own pleasure, she never noticed if he was driven by sorrow. It only mattered that he loved her, touched her now, and if she was a hiding place as much as a lover, she could pretend not to see it.
She knew better. Riza recognized the distance, and while her body shuddered as he stripped her of the last of her clothes, her heart quaked for something else entirely. He took his time, but where once she’d appreciated the gesture, now it felt like holding off the inevitable.
Her body cared nothing for motives. Roy’s fingers skimmed her belly and already her muscles twitched in anticipation. One hand curled around the knob of her hip, holding her steady as she straddled him. The other nudged between her thighs, and the body that sang and arched into his touch ignored the mind that turned away in shame.
She wondered if he felt it too, and didn’t dare look at his face in fear of what she’d find. She closed her eyes, letting her body sink against him, her mind blank as he urged her toward climax.
Shuddering out her release, she moved languidly, only Roy’s hands keeping her steady as she lifted her hips. If she closed her eyes and only focused on the slow slide and delicious pressure as she sank down to meet him, Riza could almost believe this was forever. She drank in every rock of his hips, the soft, almost pleading sounds he made, that would echo in her ears for days.
It wasn’t until she could feel his control beginning to wobble that she dared to open her eyes. She immediately wished she hadn’t so she wouldn’t have to acknowledge the heart break bleeding across his face in spite of the pleasure. Abruptly, his fingers moved from her hips to her back, tugging her forward into his arms.
She wasn’t sure if it was love or grief that inspired him, and maybe that didn’t matter either. He buried his face is Riza’s hair and her name was a reverent whisper on his lips. Finally he gave, his fingers clutching at Riza’s back as he came within her. She felt like a fool. Even now, some part of her wanted to try again, wanted to cling to this like air, and as Roy sagged beneath her, her mood turned sour.
They’d given it a good run. She’d even believed for a while that they could make it work, but… but she was tired. It was exhausting watching Ed struggle to keep up the illusion that this was what he’d come back for. It was heart wrenching to watch Roy try to balance the two of them and pretend he could make something remotely normal out of it.
She liked Ed. She liked him a great deal, in fact, but she would never be in love with him. She would never be able to truthfully say she wanted to wake up in the same bed as him for the rest of her life. The longer she stayed the more bitter it was settling for bits and pieces, and getting half a heart that wanted someone else. Edward refused to give up and Roy couldn’t let go, but something had to shift or there’d be no repairing the damage.
“I love you,” Roy murmured, a catch in his voice like he was afraid to acknowledge the feeing.
Riza rolled on her side to look at him, determined to be strong. She nodded once. “I know.”
Roy was silent, quietly regarding her. He looked disappointed, but he didn’t argue, only asking carefully, “This is it, isn’t it?”
She wanted to explain, to dredge up anger from somewhere, anything to make him see. She wanted to rail at Roy for all he had or hadn’t done, but deep down she knew he had only done what he was helpless but to do. She wanted to scream that if Ed had just stayed gone, they could have made this work. The sentiment bubbled acidly in her belly, burning in her throat. She could no more wish that agony on them than she could stay, feeling like little more than a tarnished accessory. She only nodded her head in confirmation.
“Riza… I’m sorry. I never meant for it to be like this.” Roy looked truly stricken, no attempts made at shielding her from what he was feeling.
“You couldn’t have known. No one could have,” she conceded. It wasn’t what she wanted to tell him, but it was undeniably true.
She didn’t expect Roy to ask her to stay, but his silence stung deep, leaving her wounded and raw. He loved her, but he would never really be able to offer her the sort of wholehearted affection she craved. Riza imagined he knew that every bit as well as she did, and it was probably entirely irrational for it to ache so badly when he agreed in silence.
The urge to apologize lingered on her lips. Roy did love her and she knew it would hurt him when she was gone. The fact remained that to stay was only stalling the inevitable. She refused to say she was sorry for saving them from a worse hurt down the road, and the words were quelled before they could slip free.
It was hard to say how long they lay like that, quietly wallowing in their own regrets. As the moments ticked endlessly by, Riza realized Roy could no more release her of his own accord now than he had been able to in the beginning. With a heavy sigh, she pulled herself from his arms, pretending it was only the chill of the room making her shiver.
Bra, underwear, and then it hit her that this was the very last time they’d be like this. Despite her every effort to the contrary, her hips shifted and her feet along with them, until she was facing Roy. He had sat upand her traitorous eyes raked him over, memorizing every line of his body one last time.
Her hands trembled with the control it took not to reach out, to brush her fingers across his cheek. Her lips ached for kisses she could not concede to, and she hastily yanked her shirt over her head to hide the way she squeezed her eyes shut against the onslaught of bitter want. She stepped into her pants, quickly dragging them up over her hips, and they were hardly fastened before she was fleeing, racing her own slipping resolve.
XX
This was what he’d always wanted, or at least the end result was. It was what he’d dreamed of each and every night while the Gate had been an insurmountable chasm between them. Roy was here and real and close enough to touch if he just reached out his hands. For all that he’d wanted, begged for, craved it, having didn’t feel right, not at this expense.
Ed had expected Riza to hate him, sort of wished she would because he was sure he deserved it, but she didn’t seem to. He thought to help her pack, but it felt off, as if he’d be pushing her out the door. Instead, he braved his guilt, forcing himself to at least keep her company if she’d only let him.
Maybe Riza knew something he didn’t understand because she talked to him, and smiled when he sat down beside her at the edge of the bed. Under different circumstances, he was sure they could have come to be very good friends. Now, the guilt gnawed too sharply to allow him to entertain the idea.
“I… I wish I knew how to fix this. I think maybe I should have left that first night like I was going to… or not come at all,” he murmured out loud when the hurt was so much he felt like he might be bursting at the seams with it.
“No. No, it’s good that you stayed,” Riza replied, as serenely as if they were discussing the weather. Ed envied her calm demeanor. He felt like his heart was in a vice, compressed a bit more with each breath until it was ready to pop beneath the strain.
“All I’ve done is screw everything up,” Ed argued, almost wishing she’d yell at him, but the condemnation never came, even when he kept going. “You guys were happy. All I did was… I mean Roy’s hurt and you’re leaving.”
Riza put down the shirt she’d been folding, quietly regarding Ed. “It isn’t you, Edward. Just because I can see the fractures now doesn’t mean they weren’t always there. He’ll hurt for a while, but Roy loves you very much. He will be just fine and you’ll be okay too.”
He had nothing to say to that and the silence that fell between them was sticky and uncomfortable. Ed silently watched Riza clear every trace of her presence from the bedroom. Ed wished he knew what to say, but “sorry” seemed woefully inadequate and everything else came off like no more than a placating excuse.
Ed was so lost in thought that he scarcely noticed when Riza finished. Only when she zipped the suitcase she was packing things into did Ed look up, just in time to see her abruptly stand. The finality of it bowled him over, and despite the pain he’d incurred in the last few months, he wished on some level that he knew the words to plead with her to stay.
There was nothing for it, and Ed helplessly watched her start to head down the stairs. Riza paused midway down, turning to look at Ed. When he didn’t move, she beckoned him closer with a soft, weary smile.
Ed obeyed, following Riza down the stairs. No sooner was he within arm’s reach and she was wrapping her fingers around his shoulder, dragging him into an unsteady hug. “Promise me something.”
“Anything” Ed blurted in reply before he even realized what he was saying. Slowly, he corrected himself, sheepishly adding, “What do you need?”
“Just… Please, please take care of him, Edward. I imagine he’ll need you a great deal more now.” Riza gripped Ed’s shoulders, her expression almost pleading when he dared to look at it. “He’s always needed you.”
It was on the tip of his tongue to say that Roy wouldn’t have to hurt if she would only just stay, but he knew that wasn’t true. If they both stayed, if one or both of them left, deep down, Ed knew no solution would not be painful at least sometimes. All they could do was muddle through this, hoping for the best. He forced his lips to respond, tilting up in a slight smile. “I will.”
For so long, he’d thought in terms of what Roy and Riza stood to lose. He hadn’t considered his own attachment, and for all that it could never work, he was sorry. Her fingers pulled free of his shoulders, leaving him regretful and bereft.
“Take care of yourself,” he murmured, scowling at the way his mind blanked on any other suitable farewell.
It seemed good enough for Riza, despite his misgivings. She leaned in, brushing warm, chaste lips across his cheek. “I will.”
It was the last thing she said, and he suddenly couldn’t stomach actually watching her go. He left her downstairs in the foyer, to say whatever she needed to say to Roy. With hasty steps, Ed retreated to their now sparse bedroom. It felt hollow and empty, even as he sat on the edge of the bed.
He kept expecting the door to open, to find himself nudged over to one side of the bed. There was nothing, only Roy’s soft, stricken voice downstairs, and Riza, who managed a sort of grace in this that he’d never understand. The door closed and in the silence that followed, he wondered if he ought to go downstairs. Roy probably needed his space though, and truth be told, so did he.
Ed wanted to believe that they’d all be fine, just like she said. It wouldn’t happen tonight, and he couldn’t’ see anyone waking up remotely happy tomorrow. But someday, they’d be okay. It was the only way he could stop himself from running after her.
XX
Only when the door was closed did Roy reach out. His fingers stretched uselessly after Riza, but there was no point in going after her or asking that she come back. There was nothing he could say that hadn’t been said, nothing he could do that would make the situation less cruel.
He didn’t notice Ed had come down the stairs until a warm body pressed against his back. Ed’s forehead leaned against his shoulder, and mismatched arms he’d spent years yearning for closed around his waist. Ed’s voice was soft and muffled against Roy’s shirt. “I’m so sorry… I’m sorry for all of this.”
“I’m not.” Roy turned around, clutching Ed against his chest lest he run off too. He grieved for all of them, for their insurmountable circumstances, for not being able to protect Riza when she had always protected him. There could be no good here without sacrifice, and to regret what he had seemed wrong. “I can’t be sorry that you’re finally home.”
He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, standing in the middle of the foyer, wrapped up in each other. He closed his eyes, pressing his nose against Ed’s hair and breathing in the scent of shampoo. It was thicker than Riza’s, but just as soft, and as Roy caught onto his straying thoughts, he wondered if he’d ever be able to stop comparing the two of them.
Somehow, they made it up the stairs, only separating enough not to stumble. Ed put on a brave face, but he clutched at Roy’s hand like he was constantly expecting one of them to slip away. Roy couldn’t quite bring himself to complain, not when it was the most secure he could remember feeling in ages.
They passed the threshold of the bedroom, Ed dragging Roy by the wrist with an urgency that had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with need. He’d changed the sheets and that was comforting because Roy didn’t think he could deal with a bed that still smelled like Riza. He followed as Ed drew near the foot of the mattress, pausing to wrap his arms tightly around Roy’s shoulders, and never so much as complaining that he still had to stand on tiptoe to accomplish the task.
They tumbled to the mattress in a heap, with Ed’s face nuzzling against Roy’s throat. He said nothing, but the apology was there in every passing second, every swipe of automail up and down his spine. All he could do was hang on, grasping at control and if he’d let himself, he might have cried for the loss.
Ed was silent and Roy was not so great a fool to believe he was the only one who hurt. They hid from the world, from the rest of the house, but neither could truly escape. There was no safety, no release from their own demons.
Roy stared past Ed at the other side of the bed. It was hauntingly empty; a reminder that even here was not untouched. As Ed hid his face against Roy’s chest, he wondered if there would ever be a morning where he didn’t wake feeling a loss due to her absence. All he could do was hope that Ed could be patient and forgive him for his inability to forget.
“I’m going to miss her,” Ed murmured. Roy started at the words, hardly daring to look down. Apple juice eyes stared up at him, all sorrow and understanding and none of the reproach he expected. It was a relief that bled through him until he sagged against Ed.
This was what he wanted, wasn’t it? This here, Ed in his arms with nothing tugging at them anymore… wasn’t that everything he’d spent lonely nights begging for? It wasn’t easy, but the best things never are, and Roy gratefully tugged Ed closer, brushing a kiss across his cheek. Maybe tomorrow it wouldn’t hurt so much, but in the meantime he held onto Ed. “Me too, Ed. Me too.”
Rating: NC-17
Pairing/Characters: Roy/Ed,Roy/Riza
Word Count: 15,598
Summary: Ed disappeared back through the gate a year and a half ago. It's taken that long for Roy to really come to terms with it, and now he's moved on in the belief that Ed is truly gone. It's working out well until a familiar face shows back up on his doorstep.
A/N: Written for fma_big_bang. It was actually intended to be Roy/Ed/Riza, mostly plotless, and full of smut. It proceeded to grow a mind of its own, give me the finger, and this is the result.
A huge, huge thank you to elfen. She is utterly amazing, and I absolutely could not have pulled this together coherently without her.
Thank you also to my big bang artist, jojo_kun, who did a lovely illustration for the story. It can be found here.
Back to Part 1
Maybe he could find a way to love her, too. She had made a concession, mostly for Roy. It was for him too though, wasn’t it? Roy was hers now and yet… and yet she’d stopped him from leaving when she didn’t have to.
He’d tried to understand. Roy loved her for a reason, right? Maybe if he could feel it too, every touch that passed between them wouldn’t poke at his wounded places. Every day he stayed felt like borrowed time, leaving him hollow and lonely. A hopeless smile no one believed in was all that masked his shadows.
Still, he refused to admit defeat. To give up on this was to give up on Roy, and if this was what Roy needed, he could bear the pain. He smiled when he didn’t want to. He kept going until it didn’t feel right, but it felt normal to fall asleep with his arm draped over Roy and Riza both.
What was love, anyway? She was pretty, beautiful really, even if her gaze didn’t cut right through him the way Roy’s did. She was smart and kind and he liked her well enough. For all that he sought to reason himself into wanting this, nothing would sink in, and he could not make any more than friendly affection take root.
Never one to believe something couldn’t be done, Ed switched tactics. Searching for an answer, he’d been almost relieved to find her hands on his face, smoothing over his hair. Maybe this would do something to assuage his grief. It was a point of no return, and he hesitated, working his lip between his teeth before whispering, “Could I… kiss you?”
She nodded and he leaned in, pretending it didn’t ache down to his core. Tentatively, he pressed his lips to hers, wishing he weren’t surprised that he felt nothing at the chaste contact. No, it couldn’t be right. This had to work.
He tried again, harder, deeper. Her lips were more pliant than Roy’s. They gave easily, and on a purely physical level, it even felt good. There was nothing more than that, and Ed turned away, flushed and ashamed. He explained because he felt he had to. She ought to know, after all. “I just… I wanted to know why…”
She smiled in what she probably imagined was recognition, and Ed only ached more. When she leaned in to kiss him again, he let it go. He dragged fingers through her hair, hanging on in a parody of something he could not feel.
Ed did not dare ask what it meant to her, if it was anything at all. Better not to know than to live with the truth of what he was doing. Ed squeezed his eyes shut, pretending this was okay. They shared a bed, night after night. Wasn’t this just one more step?
He tried, fabricating hope where there was none. This was for Roy, and yet… as her teeth scraped across his lip, only disgrace coiled in his belly. He clung to her for all he was worth, faking what he could not sustain. It was bitter and cold, but he could not stop, determination driving him where love could not.
There was never a time when he’d taken the easy way out, but if there had been one, he would have made an exception. It was more difficult in some ways, more so than being lost to home and hope and Roy. He pressed on anyway, putting up a front and praying that if he worked hard enough, gave up enough, he could see this situation as more than painful.
It got easier after a while, and sometimes Ed could almost believe he had convinced himself to really want this. She was warm and soft, and he wanted to want this. Wouldn’t it be simple if he could love her like he loved Roy? Wouldn’t it be easy if he didn’t feel like he was trespassing in the bed he’d been invited into?
And so he tried, willing his heart to conjure up what it could not. He reached out, but every give of tender flesh that wasn’t Roy’s felt like rot that began in his straying fingers and crawled along his skin. He had tried so hard, but eventually there was no more he could endure.
It was a hopeless endeavor. For all the nights Ed lay awake and tried to come up with some solution he just hadn’t managed grasp, there was nothing. Ed could no more teach himself to love Riza than he had been able to stop loving Roy. He felt pitiful in his own faithfulness that cared nothing for proximity or convenience, insisting on a path that promised only heartache and disaster.
The days dragged out, and the smile Ed pushed on them was more and more empty. They tolerated it, even seemed to buy it for a while. It couldn’t last though, and if Riza suspected, Roy knew.
“You don’t have to do this. I could never ask it of you,” Roy murmured against his ear, in a rare moment where they were well and truly alone. Only the light of the fireplace kept the dark at bay, and Ed wished he could just enjoy the feel of Roy’s arms around him.
“What else is there?” Ed asked, turning to look at Roy. There was no answer, so he didn’t wait for one, only pressing his face in the crook of Roy’s neck to hide.
A familiar hand smoothed over the back of his head, carefully plucking his ponytail free. Roy’s other arm coiled around his back as he whispered in empty air. “I’m sorry, Ed. I never… never meant for you to hurt.”
“Not like it’s your fault,” Ed murmured, offering forgiveness where his heart didn’t really want to. “I wasn’t coming back, remember?”
“I couldn’t ever forget.”
“Maybe…” and the words caught in his throat, miserable and broken. He couldn’t bring himself to do it, but Roy hurt and he’d have ripped his own heart out to stop it. “Maybe I should go… go back to… Rizembul.”
Roy didn’t say anything, but Ed could hear the way his breath caught in agony. His arms tightened around Ed as if maybe if he didn’t let go, Ed wouldn’t leave. But what was there to say when any concession was as good as goodbye?
“I’d be okay,” Ed assured him, speaking in the theoretical because he couldn’t bear to suggest that it was what he truly meant to do. He rambled on as if he wasn’t talking about a lifetime of misery. “I could go back to… to Rizembul, or…or I don’t know. I’m sure I could find work somewhere… else. I’d be fine.”
“I wouldn’t.” The admission was almost silent, even muffled against Ed’s throat. Roy clutched him like a rag doll, and when he finally looked up at Ed, the guilt he felt at telling the truth was plainly written on his face.
Ed smiled, sad and adoring, reaching out to cup Roy’s cheek. “You’d be okay. She’s good for you and… you’d be okay.”
Roy swallowed, his head hung until Ed couldn’t see his expression behind the dark fall of his hair. “I wouldn’t. I can’t lose you again.”
“Do you really think we can do this?” Ed pressed his fingers to Roy’s cheeks, gently lifting his head. He would hurt, bleed and break if it was what Roy needed.
Roy leaned in, brushing his lips across Ed’s cheek bone. “I wish that I knew.”
XX
Even mornings no longer offered any sort of peace. Roy woke to Ed draped across his chest, but even in slumber he did not seem at ease. His face was pressed to Roy’s throat, as if to hide from the rest of the world.
Riza was already awake. Before, she had nearly always stayed, waiting for him to wake. Even in the first weeks after Ed came home, he had woken to her eyes on him more often than not. She didn’t stay anymore, and it pricked at Roy’s conscience. Her side of the bed seemed vast and empty, and Roy frowned as he stared at it.
“This isn’t working, is it?” Ed’s voice was a soft, distressed murmur in his ear, still slurred with sleep. Anyone else he might have thought was speaking treacherously, trying to stack the deck in their favor. But Ed wasn’t like that. If he was doing anything other than grinning and bearing it, it was out of genuine concern for Roy or Riza, maybe both.
Roy was silent for a long time, not sure how he was meant to answer. Whatever the circumstances, what was he meant to do? Ed didn’t press, though he made a small, unhappy sound as Roy’s fingers carded through his hair.
Wincing, Roy shut his eye and held Ed against him, saying the only thing he could. “I don’t think it is.”
“I’m sorry.” Ed’s voice was laced in regret, as if he truly believed this was somehow his fault.
“Ed… please don’t.” He couldn’t bear the burden of Ed’s self inflicted guilt on top of his own.
“No, listen.” Ed sat up, his expression urgent and hopeless. “You love her. You were happy. If I hadn’t… if I hadn’t come back…”
“Stop.” Roy shouted, startling Ed into silence. “Is that really what you think? That I was happy? You don’t even know. Every day you were gone I…This was all I could do.”
Ed watched with wide eyes, his lips parted for words that wouldn’t come. He sighed softly, eventually finding the words to ask, “But you love her, don’t you?”
“I love her. I do. It’s just that,” Roy reached for an explanation, but there was none, any finesse he had fleeing in the face of this heartache. “Please, Ed. I…don’t think I’m strong enough to lose you again.”
“You say that like I could go. Even if I wanted I…” Ed shook his head, leaning it against Roy’s shoulder. “I’ll only go if you want me to.”
XXRoy’s lips covered hers, desperate to hold on to something slipping like sand through their fingers. She was too weak to say no, and she hated herself for that. She was as lost as he was, and she hated that too.
“I keep… thinking about it. The way things played out, but I don’t know what else I could have done.” Roy’s voice was soft and hollow in the broad expanse of the underground city where she found him. He stared at the Gate Ed left behind, and she wasn’t certain he’d even heard her approach. For all she knew, he was talking to Ed.
“Do you think punishing yourself will really bring him back, sir? It doesn’t seem like anything he’d want anyway.” Riza sighed in relief when she saw him nod his head ever so slightly.
“He wants me to close it so nothing else can get through.” Roy’s voice was carefully even. She might have thought it meant nothing if she hadn’t seen the way his jaw clenched faintly.
Riza took a step closer. “I’m sure he only means to look out for us.”
When Roy turned to look at her, his expression was calm, save for his eyes. He was quiet before finally muttering, “How does he expect me to just lock the door behind him when I don’t even know where he’s gone?”
Roy’s hands skimmed her sides, warm through the fabric of her shirt. His tongue flicked against her lips and she bitterly wondered if he meant any of it. No, that wasn’t fair. He loved her, and that was why it hurt so much. They couldn’t save each other, and neither one knew how to let go.
It took three times. Each time, Riza followed Roy down countless steps to a long forgotten city. Each time he just stood and stared, as if facing down his greatest nightmare.
The last time, she’d been certain he would retreat again, unable to follow through. He turned around, wincing in something like retreat. Two steps back toward Riza, he stopped abruptly, whirling back around. His hand lifted towards the ceiling, he snapped his fingers with a sort of agonized violence that seemed more like defeat than the hole Ed had left behind.
There was a blinding explosion that Riza struggled not to shy away from. Roy stood still, making no effort to avoid the debris that rained down as he snapped again and again. If he’d brought the whole world down around his ears, she wasn’t sure she’d have been particularly surprised.
He stood still until the dust settled, staring at the emptiness that remained. She had hoped it would give him the closure he needed, but he only looked bitter when he finally met her eye. Maybe she’d expected him to bid farewell, but there were no words. He only climbed the steps, never once looking back.
Maybe it was cruel. Maybe it was selfish. She couldn’t quite make herself care. Riza drank in every lying touch, every half truth he whispered in the reverent press of lips against hers. She let him kiss her, let herself kiss him back, memorizing the exact shape of his hands pressed to the small of her back.
Riza’s mouth pried itself from Roy’s, dragging along his jaw. She traced the curve of it with her tongue, committing the smoothness of his skin, the shivery sigh that bled from his lips to her memory. Roy only held on tighter, as if deep down, he understood.
Roy smiled more after that. He came back to Central, and she was happy to have something to believe in again. For a while, he said nothing about Edward, as if none of it had ever happened.
The story came in bits and pieces, over drinks or dinner. It was little things at first, incongruent moments in time that sounded nothing at all like the Edward she knew. They made him close his eye against the onslaught when he’d had a few too many, and smile fondly when he was sober, so she hadn’t the heart to question it.
Riza nipped at the junction of his jaw and neck. It was a place she knew well, and she wasn’t at all surprised by the way he gasped, clutching at her shirt. Roy’s eye slipped shut and he tipped his head back, humming in pleasure as her lips skimmed his throat.
She couldn’t remember the last time this had felt right. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to kiss him. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy the practiced slide of his hands up her spine, dragging her shirt with them. Good as it felt, there was too much shame wrapped up in it. Even with Ed out of the house, it felt like some kind of betrayal, turning in her stomach until she felt ill.
There were good days, days where they spent whole days together and Ed’s name never once came up. There were not so good days where Roy hardly seemed to notice her in the face of his own memories, and the ghost of a love not dead but gone. Still, Riza stuck around, and bit by bit there were more good days than not.
She wasn’t sure when she had started thinking about more than friendship and loyalty. Somewhere amidst the days where Roy didn’t hurt so much, her feelings had become more than platonic. Somewhere amidst quiet evenings and walks through the park, she’d started to believe she could get used to this, and when he finally leaned in, offering a soft press of lips on lips, she was helpless to turn him away.
This wasn’t what they were meant for. Her conscience berated her even as her hands lifted to let him pull her top away. She plucked the buttons of his shirt, bearing what didn’t really feel like hers anymore.
Every touch felt muted, dulled by the memory of someone else. Maybe it had always been like that, even before Ed had come back. Maybe she’d just been too hopeful to notice it. Now, there was no ignoring the way that even as Roy unhooked the fasteners on the back of her bra, even as he murmured at the drag of her nails over his chest, they weren’t together, not really.
She pushed and Roy went with her, tumbling back against the covers, her weight against his hips. Every time, he seemed more and more content to just let her. He was almost serene as she sat up, her body poised over his.
Roy reached out eventually, tracing her skin with his fingers. It should have been exquisite, but every touch felt like a lie. He almost seemed to stare right through her and her mind wickedly whispered that his thoughts were miles away.
Their first time was magic. She was just naïve enough to believe he was free. Every touch was electric as he worshiped her body. It didn’t matter who else had been in this bed;she was here now.
He left her ragged and pleading for more than her body could take. His kisses seared her lips and in her own pleasure, she never noticed if he was driven by sorrow. It only mattered that he loved her, touched her now, and if she was a hiding place as much as a lover, she could pretend not to see it.
She knew better. Riza recognized the distance, and while her body shuddered as he stripped her of the last of her clothes, her heart quaked for something else entirely. He took his time, but where once she’d appreciated the gesture, now it felt like holding off the inevitable.
Her body cared nothing for motives. Roy’s fingers skimmed her belly and already her muscles twitched in anticipation. One hand curled around the knob of her hip, holding her steady as she straddled him. The other nudged between her thighs, and the body that sang and arched into his touch ignored the mind that turned away in shame.
She wondered if he felt it too, and didn’t dare look at his face in fear of what she’d find. She closed her eyes, letting her body sink against him, her mind blank as he urged her toward climax.
Shuddering out her release, she moved languidly, only Roy’s hands keeping her steady as she lifted her hips. If she closed her eyes and only focused on the slow slide and delicious pressure as she sank down to meet him, Riza could almost believe this was forever. She drank in every rock of his hips, the soft, almost pleading sounds he made, that would echo in her ears for days.
It wasn’t until she could feel his control beginning to wobble that she dared to open her eyes. She immediately wished she hadn’t so she wouldn’t have to acknowledge the heart break bleeding across his face in spite of the pleasure. Abruptly, his fingers moved from her hips to her back, tugging her forward into his arms.
She wasn’t sure if it was love or grief that inspired him, and maybe that didn’t matter either. He buried his face is Riza’s hair and her name was a reverent whisper on his lips. Finally he gave, his fingers clutching at Riza’s back as he came within her. She felt like a fool. Even now, some part of her wanted to try again, wanted to cling to this like air, and as Roy sagged beneath her, her mood turned sour.
They’d given it a good run. She’d even believed for a while that they could make it work, but… but she was tired. It was exhausting watching Ed struggle to keep up the illusion that this was what he’d come back for. It was heart wrenching to watch Roy try to balance the two of them and pretend he could make something remotely normal out of it.
She liked Ed. She liked him a great deal, in fact, but she would never be in love with him. She would never be able to truthfully say she wanted to wake up in the same bed as him for the rest of her life. The longer she stayed the more bitter it was settling for bits and pieces, and getting half a heart that wanted someone else. Edward refused to give up and Roy couldn’t let go, but something had to shift or there’d be no repairing the damage.
“I love you,” Roy murmured, a catch in his voice like he was afraid to acknowledge the feeing.
Riza rolled on her side to look at him, determined to be strong. She nodded once. “I know.”
Roy was silent, quietly regarding her. He looked disappointed, but he didn’t argue, only asking carefully, “This is it, isn’t it?”
She wanted to explain, to dredge up anger from somewhere, anything to make him see. She wanted to rail at Roy for all he had or hadn’t done, but deep down she knew he had only done what he was helpless but to do. She wanted to scream that if Ed had just stayed gone, they could have made this work. The sentiment bubbled acidly in her belly, burning in her throat. She could no more wish that agony on them than she could stay, feeling like little more than a tarnished accessory. She only nodded her head in confirmation.
“Riza… I’m sorry. I never meant for it to be like this.” Roy looked truly stricken, no attempts made at shielding her from what he was feeling.
“You couldn’t have known. No one could have,” she conceded. It wasn’t what she wanted to tell him, but it was undeniably true.
She didn’t expect Roy to ask her to stay, but his silence stung deep, leaving her wounded and raw. He loved her, but he would never really be able to offer her the sort of wholehearted affection she craved. Riza imagined he knew that every bit as well as she did, and it was probably entirely irrational for it to ache so badly when he agreed in silence.
The urge to apologize lingered on her lips. Roy did love her and she knew it would hurt him when she was gone. The fact remained that to stay was only stalling the inevitable. She refused to say she was sorry for saving them from a worse hurt down the road, and the words were quelled before they could slip free.
It was hard to say how long they lay like that, quietly wallowing in their own regrets. As the moments ticked endlessly by, Riza realized Roy could no more release her of his own accord now than he had been able to in the beginning. With a heavy sigh, she pulled herself from his arms, pretending it was only the chill of the room making her shiver.
Bra, underwear, and then it hit her that this was the very last time they’d be like this. Despite her every effort to the contrary, her hips shifted and her feet along with them, until she was facing Roy. He had sat upand her traitorous eyes raked him over, memorizing every line of his body one last time.
Her hands trembled with the control it took not to reach out, to brush her fingers across his cheek. Her lips ached for kisses she could not concede to, and she hastily yanked her shirt over her head to hide the way she squeezed her eyes shut against the onslaught of bitter want. She stepped into her pants, quickly dragging them up over her hips, and they were hardly fastened before she was fleeing, racing her own slipping resolve.
XX
This was what he’d always wanted, or at least the end result was. It was what he’d dreamed of each and every night while the Gate had been an insurmountable chasm between them. Roy was here and real and close enough to touch if he just reached out his hands. For all that he’d wanted, begged for, craved it, having didn’t feel right, not at this expense.
Ed had expected Riza to hate him, sort of wished she would because he was sure he deserved it, but she didn’t seem to. He thought to help her pack, but it felt off, as if he’d be pushing her out the door. Instead, he braved his guilt, forcing himself to at least keep her company if she’d only let him.
Maybe Riza knew something he didn’t understand because she talked to him, and smiled when he sat down beside her at the edge of the bed. Under different circumstances, he was sure they could have come to be very good friends. Now, the guilt gnawed too sharply to allow him to entertain the idea.
“I… I wish I knew how to fix this. I think maybe I should have left that first night like I was going to… or not come at all,” he murmured out loud when the hurt was so much he felt like he might be bursting at the seams with it.
“No. No, it’s good that you stayed,” Riza replied, as serenely as if they were discussing the weather. Ed envied her calm demeanor. He felt like his heart was in a vice, compressed a bit more with each breath until it was ready to pop beneath the strain.
“All I’ve done is screw everything up,” Ed argued, almost wishing she’d yell at him, but the condemnation never came, even when he kept going. “You guys were happy. All I did was… I mean Roy’s hurt and you’re leaving.”
Riza put down the shirt she’d been folding, quietly regarding Ed. “It isn’t you, Edward. Just because I can see the fractures now doesn’t mean they weren’t always there. He’ll hurt for a while, but Roy loves you very much. He will be just fine and you’ll be okay too.”
He had nothing to say to that and the silence that fell between them was sticky and uncomfortable. Ed silently watched Riza clear every trace of her presence from the bedroom. Ed wished he knew what to say, but “sorry” seemed woefully inadequate and everything else came off like no more than a placating excuse.
Ed was so lost in thought that he scarcely noticed when Riza finished. Only when she zipped the suitcase she was packing things into did Ed look up, just in time to see her abruptly stand. The finality of it bowled him over, and despite the pain he’d incurred in the last few months, he wished on some level that he knew the words to plead with her to stay.
There was nothing for it, and Ed helplessly watched her start to head down the stairs. Riza paused midway down, turning to look at Ed. When he didn’t move, she beckoned him closer with a soft, weary smile.
Ed obeyed, following Riza down the stairs. No sooner was he within arm’s reach and she was wrapping her fingers around his shoulder, dragging him into an unsteady hug. “Promise me something.”
“Anything” Ed blurted in reply before he even realized what he was saying. Slowly, he corrected himself, sheepishly adding, “What do you need?”
“Just… Please, please take care of him, Edward. I imagine he’ll need you a great deal more now.” Riza gripped Ed’s shoulders, her expression almost pleading when he dared to look at it. “He’s always needed you.”
It was on the tip of his tongue to say that Roy wouldn’t have to hurt if she would only just stay, but he knew that wasn’t true. If they both stayed, if one or both of them left, deep down, Ed knew no solution would not be painful at least sometimes. All they could do was muddle through this, hoping for the best. He forced his lips to respond, tilting up in a slight smile. “I will.”
For so long, he’d thought in terms of what Roy and Riza stood to lose. He hadn’t considered his own attachment, and for all that it could never work, he was sorry. Her fingers pulled free of his shoulders, leaving him regretful and bereft.
“Take care of yourself,” he murmured, scowling at the way his mind blanked on any other suitable farewell.
It seemed good enough for Riza, despite his misgivings. She leaned in, brushing warm, chaste lips across his cheek. “I will.”
It was the last thing she said, and he suddenly couldn’t stomach actually watching her go. He left her downstairs in the foyer, to say whatever she needed to say to Roy. With hasty steps, Ed retreated to their now sparse bedroom. It felt hollow and empty, even as he sat on the edge of the bed.
He kept expecting the door to open, to find himself nudged over to one side of the bed. There was nothing, only Roy’s soft, stricken voice downstairs, and Riza, who managed a sort of grace in this that he’d never understand. The door closed and in the silence that followed, he wondered if he ought to go downstairs. Roy probably needed his space though, and truth be told, so did he.
Ed wanted to believe that they’d all be fine, just like she said. It wouldn’t happen tonight, and he couldn’t’ see anyone waking up remotely happy tomorrow. But someday, they’d be okay. It was the only way he could stop himself from running after her.
XX
Only when the door was closed did Roy reach out. His fingers stretched uselessly after Riza, but there was no point in going after her or asking that she come back. There was nothing he could say that hadn’t been said, nothing he could do that would make the situation less cruel.
He didn’t notice Ed had come down the stairs until a warm body pressed against his back. Ed’s forehead leaned against his shoulder, and mismatched arms he’d spent years yearning for closed around his waist. Ed’s voice was soft and muffled against Roy’s shirt. “I’m so sorry… I’m sorry for all of this.”
“I’m not.” Roy turned around, clutching Ed against his chest lest he run off too. He grieved for all of them, for their insurmountable circumstances, for not being able to protect Riza when she had always protected him. There could be no good here without sacrifice, and to regret what he had seemed wrong. “I can’t be sorry that you’re finally home.”
He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, standing in the middle of the foyer, wrapped up in each other. He closed his eyes, pressing his nose against Ed’s hair and breathing in the scent of shampoo. It was thicker than Riza’s, but just as soft, and as Roy caught onto his straying thoughts, he wondered if he’d ever be able to stop comparing the two of them.
Somehow, they made it up the stairs, only separating enough not to stumble. Ed put on a brave face, but he clutched at Roy’s hand like he was constantly expecting one of them to slip away. Roy couldn’t quite bring himself to complain, not when it was the most secure he could remember feeling in ages.
They passed the threshold of the bedroom, Ed dragging Roy by the wrist with an urgency that had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with need. He’d changed the sheets and that was comforting because Roy didn’t think he could deal with a bed that still smelled like Riza. He followed as Ed drew near the foot of the mattress, pausing to wrap his arms tightly around Roy’s shoulders, and never so much as complaining that he still had to stand on tiptoe to accomplish the task.
They tumbled to the mattress in a heap, with Ed’s face nuzzling against Roy’s throat. He said nothing, but the apology was there in every passing second, every swipe of automail up and down his spine. All he could do was hang on, grasping at control and if he’d let himself, he might have cried for the loss.
Ed was silent and Roy was not so great a fool to believe he was the only one who hurt. They hid from the world, from the rest of the house, but neither could truly escape. There was no safety, no release from their own demons.
Roy stared past Ed at the other side of the bed. It was hauntingly empty; a reminder that even here was not untouched. As Ed hid his face against Roy’s chest, he wondered if there would ever be a morning where he didn’t wake feeling a loss due to her absence. All he could do was hope that Ed could be patient and forgive him for his inability to forget.
“I’m going to miss her,” Ed murmured. Roy started at the words, hardly daring to look down. Apple juice eyes stared up at him, all sorrow and understanding and none of the reproach he expected. It was a relief that bled through him until he sagged against Ed.
This was what he wanted, wasn’t it? This here, Ed in his arms with nothing tugging at them anymore… wasn’t that everything he’d spent lonely nights begging for? It wasn’t easy, but the best things never are, and Roy gratefully tugged Ed closer, brushing a kiss across his cheek. Maybe tomorrow it wouldn’t hurt so much, but in the meantime he held onto Ed. “Me too, Ed. Me too.”