"A break" doesn't seem to exist in my reality
Ok...Let me explain these polar differences in my week the best I can.
Monday I got on an emotional high that would put all other highs before this to shame. Everything feels so foggy to me now cuz I was just so happy I couldn't really think straight. If you're anyone who matters, you know exactly what happened that got me there. Absolutely on a cloud nine...'til Thursday night.
I won't tell you what happened cuz that's something very personal, but it wasn't something that I did. It was things I thought-ways I felt-things that never should have crossed my being. Friday I took a shower n just couldn't stop myself. It started out as a blank stare at the wall infront of me as the water burned my skin (it was much hotter than it needed to be, I know this), but quickly turned into me sobbing to the point I couldn't stand. I fell into the wall and slid down to my knees where I stayed for a good 3 minutes. Thankfully I'm not a screamer when I cry and I had my radio turned up to a pretty loud level, so even if my sister or mom were within hearing distance they wouldn't have heard me. I STILL don't know what exactly brought it on, but I have a theory. I've been holding so much in trying to be strong, proving to myself that I could really handle everything without cracking, that how I felt at the moment was just so completely overloading that I couldn't handle it anymore. I'm not ashamed of crying, I feel it's very healthy way to express yourself, but I just don't/can't cry that easily. Under certain subjects (rape, suicide, etc.), yes I can, but most of the time it's like my anger; it just builds n builds until one day BAM!! *makes crashing noise* I just explode. And I'm pretty positive that's just what happened. It was painful, yes, but healthy.
After that I went on to have a great beyond fun time at Jake's house ^-^ This next part is about as happy as it gets on here today: He showed up at my door around 5ish and if I wasn't so worried about getting my other shoe on, I would have tackled him in a hug right then and there. All thoughts from the previous night n morning gone to the point I couldn't even recall why being happy felt so refreshing. We got in the car and he tells me to pick one of the two different kinds of Bug Juice's in his hand all while his mom repeatedly kept telling me she hadn't been the one to pick the drink out-out of all the drinks in the store Jake wanted this kind-she would have picked something else, she was sorry xD I could not stop giggling, it was just funny to me. I, personally, thought it was the CUTEST thing in the world. So friggin sweet. Only problem is, I picked the fruit punch (the other option was grape *makes a face* ew.), which tends to stain teeth and make breath smell fruity and bad. I had no idea how close we were going to be getting that day, so I drank it in lil spurts here and there...until Jake drop kicked it into the field that surrounds their house -_-' I don't even remember why! *giggles* Anyway, we get to his house and he gives me a grand tour of his house (cluttered in a comforting, lived in kinda way even though I was terrified I was going to knock something over @.@), then showed me his room.
When he told me he likes to keep his room organized I thought, "Ok, it'll be like an organized mess, I can handle that." No, saying he was serious is an understatement. His room was tidy in every way of the word! I felt like I was messing it up just standing there looking around! >.<' He has a gorgeous guitar *pouts in jealousy* and his decor can be summed up in four words: Major-Ohio-State-fan. I think I know what I'm going to get him for his b-day now :D teehees. He had a candle going so it smelled really good in there, though I was slightly curious about why he had it in there. He'd told me his mom didn't let him have candles...I know you told me why you had it but I can't remember why, care to explain?? :P Anyway, since I am who I am, I couldn't help but see what would happen if I moved one of his hats one hat over. As he fixed that I moved the candle an inch over from where it was-only to have him put it right back after. He fixed the bed sheets after his dog had jumped up on them (btw-cutest dogs ever!! so sweet xD). This made me giggle, cuz as he fixed it I messed up the corner he'd just smoothed out. Glowering at me as he corrected it, I was for sure he was going to tell me to get out. Instead he just called me evil and asked what I wanted to do then. We ended up going outside and just hanging out talking for a good hour or so. He barely let me go the entire time ^///^ it was so cute. That's around the time he drop kicked my juice into the field e.e We played truth or dare for awhile but didn't really get anywhere, so we went into the house and decided to watch a movie.
I chose to watch The Italian Job (cuz who doesn't love that movie?!), but Jake would not let me watch it in peace! xD We were in his room laying down on his bed, so he had his arms around me-the perfect time to tickle me apparently! Not just that, but he kept quoting the movie. I've seen it before, but still *giggles* Then he'd start making these noises with his mouth that would just crack me up for some reason and we'd go off talking about something. His mom ordered Pizza, so we had to stop the movie long enough to get that-too occupied with teasing eachother to really pay attention to the movie when we restarted it 'til we'd both had our fill and we were laying down again. Soon after his little niece, who apparently really likes me, came in and we had to pause the movie. THAT was a friggin hoot. I was laying down, Kaleah(sp?) was clinging to my legs shouting as Jake tried to get her off to take her downstairs all while his dog was up on my stomach desperately trying to lick my face! I-could-not-stop-laughing!! I felt so loved *puts my hands over my heart as if touched* We opted not to help decorate for his sisters party so we could try to finish the movie, but once again-Jake made that almost impossible >.<' He'd tickle me, I'd start giggling and he'd be like, "Why are you laughing?? This parts not funny...*tickle* Seriously, wa's your problem??...*tickle* I don't find the humor in this scene." xD It was great. I was so comfortable in his arms I could have stayed there for the rest of the time we had together....but my big ass mouth prevented that from being an option.
For awhile now I've been ranting about how I'm learning to play chess again. I thought for sure I was getting really good at it, I'd even won a match or so against Kiki! But Jake took me up on the joke that I could kick his ass and the minute the chess board was set up my mind just went blank. I seriously thought I was going to cry I was so nervous!! I was shaking like crazy, I know that, but with how that morning had gone I'm very surprised I didn't cry >.> Anyway, he kicked my ass only moving one piece three moves e.e that's when I lost all feeling in my arms and the rest is a blur :D It was so pathetic, it wasn't even funny!...*giggles* So he beats me without even trying again and that's when I called it quites. He's obviously got skills I don't have, big whoop xP lols. Before we can get into a pillow fight over it, his dad says I have to go home :( He held my hand the whole way home, though, so that was great :D
Here's where it sucked...I kissed him goodbye and right when I reached for the door as he was walking away, this tidal wave of guilt just devoured me heart and soul. I almost screamed it hurt so bad, but I didn't want to worry Jake or who ever was up in the living room just beyond the door infront of me, so I just turned around and watched him leave trying to numb myself.
I came in very calm and happy, mentioned somethings that we did (though no one was listening), but the second I walked into my bedroom my act dropped so fast it was almost violent. I changed, got on the computer and desperately tried to distract myself with polishing my chess skills against the computer. All I could think about was the god awful pain that had settled in my chest...*sighs* once my dad and sister went to bed I just fell apart again. I pulled my knees up to my chest and just cried into them harder than I had this morning. Why?? Because I knew why I was crying this time-I had something to focus the pain and frustration on. Guilt. Guilt that I ever thought what I had, guilt that I'd ever doubted what I had-I felt like a backstabbing, fake bitch even though I didn't do anything wrong and I had felt sincerely happy right before I got home. I don't know why I felt like that, but I did-and it almost killed me. That pain followed into Saturday and all I wanted to do was sleep. Though it was restless and almost none existent, it was sleep.
Later on in the day I started to feel better, realizing more and more that the way I had felt on Thursday night was nothing more than a defense mechanism that I can't control and the break down in the shower was just the months building up to an unbearable amount(Lizzie had just told me somethings that I'd just dealt with a week or so ago with a friend, parent issues have been forming...*sighs sadly*)-I had nothing to feel bad about. Kiki convinced me to tell Jake about wa's going on, and I was hoping with all that I was that I'd get that chance today...but I didn't...n now I don't think I'll get that chance for the rest of the week. I'm worried the feelings I've gotten over for now will only fester in that time...god, I just need to talk to him. I really did start to cry when I was on the phone with him today when he said he had to go before I could explain everything...If all goes good, he'll reassure me of things before the week is over and I will stop feeling so freakin guilty. I will definitely update y'all on how that goes, but for now I don't want to say anymore.
This entry was just to explain my probably more than distant behavior I expressed today as well as over the last few days. So, Sayonara. Peace! *scurries off to play a game of chess against the computer to take my mind off of things*
Monday I got on an emotional high that would put all other highs before this to shame. Everything feels so foggy to me now cuz I was just so happy I couldn't really think straight. If you're anyone who matters, you know exactly what happened that got me there. Absolutely on a cloud nine...'til Thursday night.
I won't tell you what happened cuz that's something very personal, but it wasn't something that I did. It was things I thought-ways I felt-things that never should have crossed my being. Friday I took a shower n just couldn't stop myself. It started out as a blank stare at the wall infront of me as the water burned my skin (it was much hotter than it needed to be, I know this), but quickly turned into me sobbing to the point I couldn't stand. I fell into the wall and slid down to my knees where I stayed for a good 3 minutes. Thankfully I'm not a screamer when I cry and I had my radio turned up to a pretty loud level, so even if my sister or mom were within hearing distance they wouldn't have heard me. I STILL don't know what exactly brought it on, but I have a theory. I've been holding so much in trying to be strong, proving to myself that I could really handle everything without cracking, that how I felt at the moment was just so completely overloading that I couldn't handle it anymore. I'm not ashamed of crying, I feel it's very healthy way to express yourself, but I just don't/can't cry that easily. Under certain subjects (rape, suicide, etc.), yes I can, but most of the time it's like my anger; it just builds n builds until one day BAM!! *makes crashing noise* I just explode. And I'm pretty positive that's just what happened. It was painful, yes, but healthy.
After that I went on to have a great beyond fun time at Jake's house ^-^ This next part is about as happy as it gets on here today: He showed up at my door around 5ish and if I wasn't so worried about getting my other shoe on, I would have tackled him in a hug right then and there. All thoughts from the previous night n morning gone to the point I couldn't even recall why being happy felt so refreshing. We got in the car and he tells me to pick one of the two different kinds of Bug Juice's in his hand all while his mom repeatedly kept telling me she hadn't been the one to pick the drink out-out of all the drinks in the store Jake wanted this kind-she would have picked something else, she was sorry xD I could not stop giggling, it was just funny to me. I, personally, thought it was the CUTEST thing in the world. So friggin sweet. Only problem is, I picked the fruit punch (the other option was grape *makes a face* ew.), which tends to stain teeth and make breath smell fruity and bad. I had no idea how close we were going to be getting that day, so I drank it in lil spurts here and there...until Jake drop kicked it into the field that surrounds their house -_-' I don't even remember why! *giggles* Anyway, we get to his house and he gives me a grand tour of his house (cluttered in a comforting, lived in kinda way even though I was terrified I was going to knock something over @.@), then showed me his room.
When he told me he likes to keep his room organized I thought, "Ok, it'll be like an organized mess, I can handle that." No, saying he was serious is an understatement. His room was tidy in every way of the word! I felt like I was messing it up just standing there looking around! >.<' He has a gorgeous guitar *pouts in jealousy* and his decor can be summed up in four words: Major-Ohio-State-fan. I think I know what I'm going to get him for his b-day now :D teehees. He had a candle going so it smelled really good in there, though I was slightly curious about why he had it in there. He'd told me his mom didn't let him have candles...I know you told me why you had it but I can't remember why, care to explain?? :P Anyway, since I am who I am, I couldn't help but see what would happen if I moved one of his hats one hat over. As he fixed that I moved the candle an inch over from where it was-only to have him put it right back after. He fixed the bed sheets after his dog had jumped up on them (btw-cutest dogs ever!! so sweet xD). This made me giggle, cuz as he fixed it I messed up the corner he'd just smoothed out. Glowering at me as he corrected it, I was for sure he was going to tell me to get out. Instead he just called me evil and asked what I wanted to do then. We ended up going outside and just hanging out talking for a good hour or so. He barely let me go the entire time ^///^ it was so cute. That's around the time he drop kicked my juice into the field e.e We played truth or dare for awhile but didn't really get anywhere, so we went into the house and decided to watch a movie.
I chose to watch The Italian Job (cuz who doesn't love that movie?!), but Jake would not let me watch it in peace! xD We were in his room laying down on his bed, so he had his arms around me-the perfect time to tickle me apparently! Not just that, but he kept quoting the movie. I've seen it before, but still *giggles* Then he'd start making these noises with his mouth that would just crack me up for some reason and we'd go off talking about something. His mom ordered Pizza, so we had to stop the movie long enough to get that-too occupied with teasing eachother to really pay attention to the movie when we restarted it 'til we'd both had our fill and we were laying down again. Soon after his little niece, who apparently really likes me, came in and we had to pause the movie. THAT was a friggin hoot. I was laying down, Kaleah(sp?) was clinging to my legs shouting as Jake tried to get her off to take her downstairs all while his dog was up on my stomach desperately trying to lick my face! I-could-not-stop-laughing!! I felt so loved *puts my hands over my heart as if touched* We opted not to help decorate for his sisters party so we could try to finish the movie, but once again-Jake made that almost impossible >.<' He'd tickle me, I'd start giggling and he'd be like, "Why are you laughing?? This parts not funny...*tickle* Seriously, wa's your problem??...*tickle* I don't find the humor in this scene." xD It was great. I was so comfortable in his arms I could have stayed there for the rest of the time we had together....but my big ass mouth prevented that from being an option.
For awhile now I've been ranting about how I'm learning to play chess again. I thought for sure I was getting really good at it, I'd even won a match or so against Kiki! But Jake took me up on the joke that I could kick his ass and the minute the chess board was set up my mind just went blank. I seriously thought I was going to cry I was so nervous!! I was shaking like crazy, I know that, but with how that morning had gone I'm very surprised I didn't cry >.> Anyway, he kicked my ass only moving one piece three moves e.e that's when I lost all feeling in my arms and the rest is a blur :D It was so pathetic, it wasn't even funny!...*giggles* So he beats me without even trying again and that's when I called it quites. He's obviously got skills I don't have, big whoop xP lols. Before we can get into a pillow fight over it, his dad says I have to go home :( He held my hand the whole way home, though, so that was great :D
Here's where it sucked...I kissed him goodbye and right when I reached for the door as he was walking away, this tidal wave of guilt just devoured me heart and soul. I almost screamed it hurt so bad, but I didn't want to worry Jake or who ever was up in the living room just beyond the door infront of me, so I just turned around and watched him leave trying to numb myself.
I came in very calm and happy, mentioned somethings that we did (though no one was listening), but the second I walked into my bedroom my act dropped so fast it was almost violent. I changed, got on the computer and desperately tried to distract myself with polishing my chess skills against the computer. All I could think about was the god awful pain that had settled in my chest...*sighs* once my dad and sister went to bed I just fell apart again. I pulled my knees up to my chest and just cried into them harder than I had this morning. Why?? Because I knew why I was crying this time-I had something to focus the pain and frustration on. Guilt. Guilt that I ever thought what I had, guilt that I'd ever doubted what I had-I felt like a backstabbing, fake bitch even though I didn't do anything wrong and I had felt sincerely happy right before I got home. I don't know why I felt like that, but I did-and it almost killed me. That pain followed into Saturday and all I wanted to do was sleep. Though it was restless and almost none existent, it was sleep.
Later on in the day I started to feel better, realizing more and more that the way I had felt on Thursday night was nothing more than a defense mechanism that I can't control and the break down in the shower was just the months building up to an unbearable amount(Lizzie had just told me somethings that I'd just dealt with a week or so ago with a friend, parent issues have been forming...*sighs sadly*)-I had nothing to feel bad about. Kiki convinced me to tell Jake about wa's going on, and I was hoping with all that I was that I'd get that chance today...but I didn't...n now I don't think I'll get that chance for the rest of the week. I'm worried the feelings I've gotten over for now will only fester in that time...god, I just need to talk to him. I really did start to cry when I was on the phone with him today when he said he had to go before I could explain everything...If all goes good, he'll reassure me of things before the week is over and I will stop feeling so freakin guilty. I will definitely update y'all on how that goes, but for now I don't want to say anymore.
This entry was just to explain my probably more than distant behavior I expressed today as well as over the last few days. So, Sayonara. Peace! *scurries off to play a game of chess against the computer to take my mind off of things*