Fucking rollercoaster of fun *lazily cheers*
Today was about as much fun as I've had all week. Monday was great, Tuesday I was in pain-but it was still good, then it just got worse after that. *runs behind the cut-feeling sick again*
Monday was...*laughs alil, tearing against my will* amazing. I don't think I've ever felt that happy or that terrified....or that safe in my life. Jake came over, n as a surprise-he packed a picnic ^-^ It was so cute! I was totally shocked, but in a very very good way. I about cried several times that day cuz I was so happy, but the details of everything are for me to know and you to never find out xP Teehees. Poor Jake, doesn't even know his own strength. We got into several fighting matches and I walked away with quite abit of bruises and a possibly broken toe. Honestly, though, I'd rather walk away hurt than walk away know he took it easy on me. He felt horribly about it, but I honestly couldn't care less-I wouldn't trade that day for the world...
Tuesday I was just delusional with pain though. Towards the end of our day I got attacked by mosquitoes (of which I'm allergic to) and ended up having a horrible reaction to them. My arm was about twice the size it should've been, I was having trouble breathing, I couldn't see straight at some points...it was just horrible. Then in gym, cuz my class is full of idiots, we had to run for 10 minutes straight for punishment. You know how I mentioned I could've possibly broke my toe?? Yea, I still had to run >.< I was also in terrible pain to the point I ended up holding in tears after gym elsewhere, but I won't talk about that. I was so focused on trying not to think of the pain or panic, that I got really hyper and probably very annoying. The next day it still hurt to put alot of weight on my foot and my arm was sore, but other than that I was totally fine. No pain, no nothing...Then school happened.
Wednesday wasn't too bad, but it troubled me...Thursday left me crying the whole bus ride and most of the day after. Not only did I have to give a presentation in Honors that absolutely terrified me as well as the fact that I found out I'm basically failing algebra (I feel so friggin stupid in that class -_-'),....but I think I made Jake mad. Or something-something has to be wrong. Even my friends have noticed that he's been acting funny around me all week, so I'm pretty sure I'm not being paranoid. Thursday he seemed royally pissed off at the beginning of school (that can be backed up by 3 of my friends who said the same thing)-he practically ignored me the entire day-which I really don't have a problem with at all, I understand that...but at the end of the day he kissed me goodbye, and I asked for two more kisses to make up for the ones I didn't get that morning...and he just said, "No, I have to go" and left...*staring at the floor intently*...My first thought was, "Oh shit, I really have pissed him off haven't I?? He regrets Monday-FUCK!! What did I do wrong?!"...I ignored it on the bus-even when Bambi started to ask me why I seemed so touchy today, but then she asked me if there was something wrong with Jake and I just couldn't stop it. I tried to blame it on his medicine, but explained the day instead while crying. The more I talked, the more I started to panic. What did I do wrong?? What if we'd gone to far?? What if I said something-what if I shouldn't have told my friends?? Could he be mad about that-that they know?? Bambi and Niebelle both tried to talk me out of my thoughts, making some very good points: Maybe somethings going on at home. His Grandpa hasn't been doing too well, something could have happened. He could have figured out why I hurt so bad Tuesday and is mad at himself for it. Maybe he's worried about Friday since he's going to find out more about how his ACL is doing. I really calmed down after thinking more about it...but the idea that he could be upset about what happened Monday just clung to everything I tried to think about instead. It would not go the fuck away. Lizzie and I had a long talk when I got home about her and Spencer as well as me and Jake, and I definitely started to feel better after that. The fact that she came to me and actually talked about what was going on made me so happy, despite the fact that she's struggling so bad right now. It's only been a week or so, give it time *hugs her* I slept unbelievably hard that night, though-which is one of the reasons I was so glad our school ended up canceling do to fog :D More time to rest.
Now for the fun that was tonight. I went to our home football game with several friends and met up with even more friends there. Jake wasn't on his crutches, so that can either mean one of two things: His leg is so fucked up that the doctor just said screw it n just limp on it til the surgery, or two-he's doing better. I'm so hoping it's the latter *knocks on wood*...For the first time in the relationship, I noticed that he looked really good in the jeans that he was wearing...and I got so pissed. I just wanted to rip off the jersey of his I was wearing and throw it at him-crying as hard as I wanted to without shame. If something's wrong, why won't he fucking talk to me about it?! Why can't he understand that when he's alone, so am I?! How could he possibly preach to me about me needing to trust him and come to him when something was wrong and then not take is own advise?! I was hurt, I was enraged, I was confused-all these things hammered me all at once with just one simple look at him...and then it was gone. I turned back to my friends and this uneasy, sick feeling settled in my gut. I ignored it and just had a ball hanging out with everyone-it was so therapeutic to just have fun like that...n then halftime happened. Jake was walking off the field past us, Kiki called his name...he looked at us, kinda waved, and kept going. Now, I was definitely hurt by this, but I also understand that he had somewhere to go. I can't expect him to get in trouble just to come over and say hi to me. But apparently it pissed Kiki off because she took off her shoe and started charging towards him. I didn't stop her, cuz I was so hoping that maybe then it'd smack some sense into him. But she came back and I went back to ignoring everything. I was going to have fun, not even something like that was going to keep me down.
My friends are so amazing xD Bambi did get on my nerves quite abit though. She was hyped up on sugar like she ALWAYS is at a football game and would not leave me the fuck alone. At one point she held my hands behind my back and she, Niebelle, and Honcho all ganged up on me and started to tickle me. I fought them all so friggin hard I was beyond exhausted when Bambi finally realized I was getting annoyed and stopped. We got into several more tussles like that, but as annoying as they were at the time I think they really helped cuz I was able to work off some of the pent up rage and take it out on someone without feeling guilty about it later. They threw me in a friggin sand pit and made me slap a teacher against my will!! >.<' They forced me over to Mr. Schott n we were talking to him, then out of nowhere as I was looking off Bambi took my hand and made me slap him!! My mouth just dropped and I wanted to die. I could not believe she'd just done that-and that's when I really wanted her to just bug off. It wasn't fun anymore-it wasn't releasing stress-it was just me fighting her off cuz I wanted her to leave me alone. I felt bad when she did, though, cuz I know she was only trying to make me feel better. So, I put up with it until she had to go.
Our school ended up winning and after the game we waited around abit by the football players to try and find Tayler to say goodbye. While waiting, I tried to find Jake-just to see if he'd come talk to me...he never did. We left, and the second I got home and changed I started to cry.
I'm not upset about him being mad or whatever he is, I'm upset because he won't tell me why. He won't come to me if there's something wrong and after everything that happened Monday I thought we were closer than that. I thought that he trusted me more than that. Which, only enforces more and more that it's something to do with me. If he wants a break from us or some time to himself, fine-I don't mind. But wouldn't it be considerate to tell me this instead of just flat out blowing me off?? I don't think I'm being emotional or paranoid because my friends have noticed him acting funny, so I shouldn't feel so terrible about doubting him like this...but I do...*smacks the table* DAMN IT!! I'm going to go, I need to take a walk or something. So sayonara *waves alil and runs off*
Monday was...*laughs alil, tearing against my will* amazing. I don't think I've ever felt that happy or that terrified....or that safe in my life. Jake came over, n as a surprise-he packed a picnic ^-^ It was so cute! I was totally shocked, but in a very very good way. I about cried several times that day cuz I was so happy, but the details of everything are for me to know and you to never find out xP Teehees. Poor Jake, doesn't even know his own strength. We got into several fighting matches and I walked away with quite abit of bruises and a possibly broken toe. Honestly, though, I'd rather walk away hurt than walk away know he took it easy on me. He felt horribly about it, but I honestly couldn't care less-I wouldn't trade that day for the world...
Tuesday I was just delusional with pain though. Towards the end of our day I got attacked by mosquitoes (of which I'm allergic to) and ended up having a horrible reaction to them. My arm was about twice the size it should've been, I was having trouble breathing, I couldn't see straight at some points...it was just horrible. Then in gym, cuz my class is full of idiots, we had to run for 10 minutes straight for punishment. You know how I mentioned I could've possibly broke my toe?? Yea, I still had to run >.< I was also in terrible pain to the point I ended up holding in tears after gym elsewhere, but I won't talk about that. I was so focused on trying not to think of the pain or panic, that I got really hyper and probably very annoying. The next day it still hurt to put alot of weight on my foot and my arm was sore, but other than that I was totally fine. No pain, no nothing...Then school happened.
Wednesday wasn't too bad, but it troubled me...Thursday left me crying the whole bus ride and most of the day after. Not only did I have to give a presentation in Honors that absolutely terrified me as well as the fact that I found out I'm basically failing algebra (I feel so friggin stupid in that class -_-'),....but I think I made Jake mad. Or something-something has to be wrong. Even my friends have noticed that he's been acting funny around me all week, so I'm pretty sure I'm not being paranoid. Thursday he seemed royally pissed off at the beginning of school (that can be backed up by 3 of my friends who said the same thing)-he practically ignored me the entire day-which I really don't have a problem with at all, I understand that...but at the end of the day he kissed me goodbye, and I asked for two more kisses to make up for the ones I didn't get that morning...and he just said, "No, I have to go" and left...*staring at the floor intently*...My first thought was, "Oh shit, I really have pissed him off haven't I?? He regrets Monday-FUCK!! What did I do wrong?!"...I ignored it on the bus-even when Bambi started to ask me why I seemed so touchy today, but then she asked me if there was something wrong with Jake and I just couldn't stop it. I tried to blame it on his medicine, but explained the day instead while crying. The more I talked, the more I started to panic. What did I do wrong?? What if we'd gone to far?? What if I said something-what if I shouldn't have told my friends?? Could he be mad about that-that they know?? Bambi and Niebelle both tried to talk me out of my thoughts, making some very good points: Maybe somethings going on at home. His Grandpa hasn't been doing too well, something could have happened. He could have figured out why I hurt so bad Tuesday and is mad at himself for it. Maybe he's worried about Friday since he's going to find out more about how his ACL is doing. I really calmed down after thinking more about it...but the idea that he could be upset about what happened Monday just clung to everything I tried to think about instead. It would not go the fuck away. Lizzie and I had a long talk when I got home about her and Spencer as well as me and Jake, and I definitely started to feel better after that. The fact that she came to me and actually talked about what was going on made me so happy, despite the fact that she's struggling so bad right now. It's only been a week or so, give it time *hugs her* I slept unbelievably hard that night, though-which is one of the reasons I was so glad our school ended up canceling do to fog :D More time to rest.
Now for the fun that was tonight. I went to our home football game with several friends and met up with even more friends there. Jake wasn't on his crutches, so that can either mean one of two things: His leg is so fucked up that the doctor just said screw it n just limp on it til the surgery, or two-he's doing better. I'm so hoping it's the latter *knocks on wood*...For the first time in the relationship, I noticed that he looked really good in the jeans that he was wearing...and I got so pissed. I just wanted to rip off the jersey of his I was wearing and throw it at him-crying as hard as I wanted to without shame. If something's wrong, why won't he fucking talk to me about it?! Why can't he understand that when he's alone, so am I?! How could he possibly preach to me about me needing to trust him and come to him when something was wrong and then not take is own advise?! I was hurt, I was enraged, I was confused-all these things hammered me all at once with just one simple look at him...and then it was gone. I turned back to my friends and this uneasy, sick feeling settled in my gut. I ignored it and just had a ball hanging out with everyone-it was so therapeutic to just have fun like that...n then halftime happened. Jake was walking off the field past us, Kiki called his name...he looked at us, kinda waved, and kept going. Now, I was definitely hurt by this, but I also understand that he had somewhere to go. I can't expect him to get in trouble just to come over and say hi to me. But apparently it pissed Kiki off because she took off her shoe and started charging towards him. I didn't stop her, cuz I was so hoping that maybe then it'd smack some sense into him. But she came back and I went back to ignoring everything. I was going to have fun, not even something like that was going to keep me down.
My friends are so amazing xD Bambi did get on my nerves quite abit though. She was hyped up on sugar like she ALWAYS is at a football game and would not leave me the fuck alone. At one point she held my hands behind my back and she, Niebelle, and Honcho all ganged up on me and started to tickle me. I fought them all so friggin hard I was beyond exhausted when Bambi finally realized I was getting annoyed and stopped. We got into several more tussles like that, but as annoying as they were at the time I think they really helped cuz I was able to work off some of the pent up rage and take it out on someone without feeling guilty about it later. They threw me in a friggin sand pit and made me slap a teacher against my will!! >.<' They forced me over to Mr. Schott n we were talking to him, then out of nowhere as I was looking off Bambi took my hand and made me slap him!! My mouth just dropped and I wanted to die. I could not believe she'd just done that-and that's when I really wanted her to just bug off. It wasn't fun anymore-it wasn't releasing stress-it was just me fighting her off cuz I wanted her to leave me alone. I felt bad when she did, though, cuz I know she was only trying to make me feel better. So, I put up with it until she had to go.
Our school ended up winning and after the game we waited around abit by the football players to try and find Tayler to say goodbye. While waiting, I tried to find Jake-just to see if he'd come talk to me...he never did. We left, and the second I got home and changed I started to cry.
I'm not upset about him being mad or whatever he is, I'm upset because he won't tell me why. He won't come to me if there's something wrong and after everything that happened Monday I thought we were closer than that. I thought that he trusted me more than that. Which, only enforces more and more that it's something to do with me. If he wants a break from us or some time to himself, fine-I don't mind. But wouldn't it be considerate to tell me this instead of just flat out blowing me off?? I don't think I'm being emotional or paranoid because my friends have noticed him acting funny, so I shouldn't feel so terrible about doubting him like this...but I do...*smacks the table* DAMN IT!! I'm going to go, I need to take a walk or something. So sayonara *waves alil and runs off*