I've tasted the River of Red. It's loaded with iron and carbon. It's musky and dank and sits on my tongue like a thousand souls in purgatory
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and i think what i go through is the same as what we, as humans, share together. we all doubt, get low, hit bottoms and so on.. the stories ("places") are just different as you say. it's still hard and SO much harder to write about because, like everything, it does pass. but.... you're right... even if it passes i am still changed by it so i SHOULD write. it helps me but i fear that it will depress others... like writing my bitchy rant a bit ago... i did it after a WEEK of debating if i SHOULD just bitch to get it out.
If you responded to the job posting I mentioned and didn't hear back yet, I wouldn't sweat it. I wouldn't rely on it, but I wouldn't sweat it. They tend to hire in cycles and it could be a while.
As weird as this may sound, when I feel down and need comfort I watch The Muppet Movie or Follow That Bird - the very first Sesame Street movie. Some of it is cheezy, but it's nice to see that someone was out there rooting for the freaks to keep on dreaming.
"rooting for the freaks to keep dreaming" omg. you're the most perfect person in the most imperfectly wonderful way. (love)
and you know what helped? that new movie "juno". it gave me some hope, enough that i saw it last night and was able to write today. next time i will certainly try your ideas. fo sho. i'm thinking i may have to invest in a few of these types of "aides" so i can "keep dreaming". my will is getting low. ya no?
oxo
oh and i did apply so maybe i'll do it again in a month or just wait. i did notice on CL that the SAME ad went up but for danish and one for cantonese or something but not the one you sent. so yeah... i'm looking and i think that's a good thing regardless.
Oh love. It breaks my heart to see you in such pain, but you are so strong - I wish I could help, but know that I am here always, listening and loving and caring and dreaming. Us freaks gotta stick together. <3
pHunk told me I need to go see that Juno movie. I'll try to make a point of it this weekend - I've had scant time for such things lately. Maybe I'll drag the M-boy with me.
I wonder how long it took E to put everything back in its proper place in the fridge. Hahahaha.
i don't want to negate the process but i will say that hormones play into this quite a bit. i got my period and all the eternal psychotic looping in my head pretty much died down to a small murmur. every day i bleed (now two) i feel like i can handle shit again. kinda wild.
and i can't get that movie out of my head! i just keep seeing all these awesome scenes and dialog and ... yeah... it's on my list of ALL TIME favorites. if i had a top ten it would be there, no contest.
hehe and E kept texting me as he found yet ANOTHER item out of place: "the jam.. you didn't even USE the jam." next one: "the eggs? YOU MOVED THE EGGS??" hahaha i love messing with people like that. in the good days w/my ex roommate i would prank on her like that at times and it was a LOT of fun. good times.
Things like that make you wonder if you will indeed rise from the ashes renewed or just blow away. I hope you're able to gain something from such a hard ache. Each time you get cut up, you reform in a slightly different way and when it's over, you may be happy to find beautiful, new strengths. At least I hope so. I haven't found out yet, either.
some cycles don't blow away so easy. i think it gets harder as you get older... harder to just bounce... like you slow your reflex down even emotionally.
hang in there. you got a chemistry that's hard to match but you'll do it. stay calm :)
Oh, I'm fine about the girl thing. Old territory. Just sucked for a bit. What worries me is the flaws in the system itself. There are some massive changes that need to happen.
Do you ever feel like you might be incapable of sustained happiness? Do you ever feel like something inside wants to ruin everything?
just read this quote and it works pretty well for your first question:
Most people come to New York for the same reason Humphrey Bogart went to Casablanca--they start out looking for a good corned beef sandwich and then they get sidetracked trying to find happiness. They wind up happy just to find a parking place. Of course, if you don't drive a car the situation can get even more problematic. All that being as it may, by the time most of us realize we're never going to grow up, we also begin to realize that happiness is a highly transitory state. It's kind of like hearing from someone you love who only seems to call you from airports.
--Kinky Friedman, "The Mile High Club"
for the second... i already feel ruined so there's not much left to do in that field except relearn things, the things that make that transitory state of happiness last jussssst a bit longer
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we're in different places/lives but there is something shared in it. i have to think it's the beginning of new even as it is the end of old.
keep writing/talking.
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and i think what i go through is the same as what we, as humans, share together. we all doubt, get low, hit bottoms and so on.. the stories ("places") are just different as you say. it's still hard and SO much harder to write about because, like everything, it does pass. but.... you're right... even if it passes i am still changed by it so i SHOULD write. it helps me but i fear that it will depress others... like writing my bitchy rant a bit ago... i did it after a WEEK of debating if i SHOULD just bitch to get it out.
ahhh for the dilemmas of blogging!!
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http://www.lyricsdownload.com/jane-siberry-oh-my-my-lyrics.html
it's a long one
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As weird as this may sound, when I feel down and need comfort I watch The Muppet Movie or Follow That Bird - the very first Sesame Street movie. Some of it is cheezy, but it's nice to see that someone was out there rooting for the freaks to keep on dreaming.
Reply
and you know what helped? that new movie "juno". it gave me some hope, enough that i saw it last night and was able to write today. next time i will certainly try your ideas. fo sho. i'm thinking i may have to invest in a few of these types of "aides" so i can "keep dreaming". my will is getting low. ya no?
oxo
oh and i did apply so maybe i'll do it again in a month or just wait. i did notice on CL that the SAME ad went up but for danish and one for cantonese or something but not the one you sent. so yeah... i'm looking and i think that's a good thing regardless.
Reply
pHunk told me I need to go see that Juno movie. I'll try to make a point of it this weekend - I've had scant time for such things lately. Maybe I'll drag the M-boy with me.
I wonder how long it took E to put everything back in its proper place in the fridge. Hahahaha.
You are wonderful.
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and i can't get that movie out of my head! i just keep seeing all these awesome scenes and dialog and ... yeah... it's on my list of ALL TIME favorites. if i had a top ten it would be there, no contest.
hehe and E kept texting me as he found yet ANOTHER item out of place: "the jam.. you didn't even USE the jam." next one: "the eggs? YOU MOVED THE EGGS??" hahaha i love messing with people like that. in the good days w/my ex roommate i would prank on her like that at times and it was a LOT of fun. good times.
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:)
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that was some FUNNY SHIT!!
omg hahahaha i love u
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But yeah, that was some crazy shit...homegirl had some issues. woah.
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WHORABLE!
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thanks for reminding me.
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hang in there. you got a chemistry that's hard to match but you'll do it. stay calm :)
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Do you ever feel like you might be incapable of sustained happiness? Do you ever feel like something inside wants to ruin everything?
Reply
Most people come to New York for the same reason Humphrey Bogart went to Casablanca--they start out looking for a good corned beef sandwich and then they get sidetracked trying to find happiness. They wind up happy just to find a parking place. Of course, if you don't drive a car the situation can get even more problematic. All that being as it may, by the time most of us realize we're never going to grow up, we also begin to realize that happiness is a highly transitory state. It's kind of like hearing from someone you love who only seems to call you from airports.
--Kinky Friedman, "The Mile High Club"
for the second... i already feel ruined so there's not much left to do in that field except relearn things, the things that make that transitory state of happiness last jussssst a bit longer
Reply
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