For three weeks I had a recurring dream
that he had killed himself
The only thing that changed was how I found out.

When my mother finally told me that
she had spoken to his wife and
that while my father had never really been ok he was still fine -
I somehow wasn't relieved.

(In every version he said it was my fault.)

You make me feel better when I see you, when I talk to you, when you’re there and I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. I’m crazy and I’m hectic and the world is sideways and out of focus and I there are too many edges and I see you and suddenly - snap - it all fits and it works and things are better and it isn’t fair.

The answer came to me, later that day. It was one of the most profound things I’d ever thought, and I wondered at it coming to me so soon. It was one of those epiphanies that you’re supposed to get late in life, at the apex, at the epitome. A rush of realization and comprehension ( Read more... )

There’s a poem I want to write ( Read more... )

He believed in God and I replied that I’d known that already.
He said he it would be casual and I was relieved.
He told me he couldn’t touch me and I said it didn’t matter.
I wondered when my lies had become conscious
and just who I thought I was fooling.

I’ve heard God’s in the sock drawer.
Not that I was looking for him,
Not that I found him myself,
Of course -
I’m not sure I have any matching socks,
Much less a drawer to keep them in,
And now that I think about it,
That might explain a lot.

If wisdom is knowing that you know nothing,
Well then. Nominate me for a Nobel and
Let’s put me out of my misery.
If ignorance is bliss,
Well then. What is this?

For tenth grade English class ( Read more... )

I don't need you to love me,
I just need you to pretend.

I'll play your game
if you can just play along with me.
Everything's better fake.

I want what everyone wants - just to be wanted.
Is that so much to ask for?