(no subject)
Wow, a lot has happened since I last updated this do-higger almost 2 months ago. My computer actually works now, and I can use the explorer so I should be updating a lot more for all my lj friends that miss my comment whore self.
Allison and I are friends again, and everyone who told me it was bound to happen, I don't want or need to hear it. Thank you. :)
My family is seriously completely falling apart right in front of my eyes and there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it. I think I can honestly say I dislike my grandmother. As horrible as that sounds, I resent her a lot. Her and my Grandfather have been married for what will be 43 years on October 8th. 43 YEARS! She filed for divorce. At 60+ years old, she's divorcing my grandfather. Who might I add, is very sick. He's had 3 heartattacks and 1 stroke. He doesn't really have a lot of memory anymore and he's kind of been spaced out. She actually moved into my house. My old bedroom is now Justin's bedroom and my grandma is taking my brother's old room. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT? My grandpa can barely survive on his own and she left him there in their house to basically die by himself. Sure, I mean my aunt Karin still lives there but she works until 7pm on most nights. If something were to happen to my grandfather during the day no one would know! That seriously scares me. And my grandma is so fucking selfish that she doesn't even care. "she's been unhappy for so long." A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE UNHAPPY. And this is tearing my whole family in half. I called my grandpa the other day to check up on my car loan payment and I could tell that he had been crying. I held myself up until we hung up, but then I started crying. I've NEVER EVER heard my grandpa cry in the 19 years of my life. EVER. It's so sad. My grandpa is seriously the nicest man ever. And I hate to say it, but I'm spoiled rotten by him and I know it. I'm not ungreatful or anything like it, but I know that whatever I want or whatever I need I can ALWAYS go to my grandpa. [he paid cash for my car when I couldn't get a loan from not having enough credit established. that kind of spoiled.] My mom doesn't want to take sides, but she basically has by letting my grandma move in. Karin feels bad for my grandpa just like I do and we both resent my grandma. My Aunt Sue and all my cousins in Maryland aren't even going to be coming up here for the holidays I don't think because no one really knows how anything is going to work out. I can't imagine that after 19 years of having Thanksgiving and Christmas with both of my grandparents at the same time- not having them both there. Death would be totally different because that wasn't either of their choices. Divorce tears apart families and it's doing just that to mine. I don't even like to be home or around my family anymore. It's pretty sad. I lock myself in the apartment, I'm working or I'm sleeping. I hate it, but it's the only way I can deal with it. I would WIG OUT at my grandma givin ample oppurunity. But seriously, she's like one of those people that if she snaps, she'd end up killing my entire family. I'm not even joking you. She has talked to herself for so long that she has become a complete head case. My mom made her get on meds and shit. It's some fucked up shit. She talks about committing suicide and how no one in the family loves her anymore and how she should just go up to heaven in front of Justin and Kenzie. HELLO, they are 12 and 8 years old you don't say shit like that in front of them. Number one that's just WRONG and number two, especially for Kenzie, is just scary! She's at that age where she repeats everything that she hears and all she would need to go is go into school and repeat what she heard my grandma said and all hell will break lose. I seriously hate Kenzie. We do not get along AT ALL. She's a spoiled rotten little bitch. Ask anyone who's been to my house. She thinks she knows all and she's ALWAYS right. I clash with attitudes like that. Her and I fight on a daily basis. I can't wait til she's older and we can really fight. She's only my half sister, so I can beat her with no mercy. Enough about that.
My real dad called me the other day. He hates me. That's cool. Way to hate someone you've never met. The only time he's talked to me is on the phone to tell me that he hates me, and I was a mistake, and he didn't want me or ask for any of this to happen. I asked him if he wanted to come to my graduation and he told me no. Even Jim came to my graduation. And he gave me $100, a card & a book called Hugs for Daughters. My real dad couldn't even get me a card. I was surprised when Jim showed up at my house before we left for Eastman. I even invited his new girlfriend, Heidi, but she couldn't find a babysitter. I don't so much resent Jim. The more I think about it the only word that comes to mind is disappointment. Disappointment in the fact that he never really tried to be a father to me and disappointment in myself that I never really lived up to who he wanted me to be because I wasn't really his. After my mom and him divorced his family pretty much disowned me. The last holiday I spent with them was Easter of I do believe 2000. Haven't gotten a birthday card, christmas card or anything since then. It's cool though. That family was screwed up too. My Uncle Richard who is Jim's Uncle or something screwed up might actually be doing JAIL TIME. It was in the newspaper yesterday actually. About how he had to do with some fraudulant money scheme with someone at Kodak. Yeahhh. SIIIICK. My Great Uncles are nutty and their both named Richard and they're both gonna be doing jailtime. Actually, My one Uncle Dick has already done his jailtime and has moved back to Wyoming. Yeah, he got arrested for possession of marijuana (haha he's like 65), harassment in the second degree and firearm possession. He was in Vietnaum - he saw his best friends head get blown off. He's a lil looney. Smokes mad amounts of weed and drinks in excessive, excessive amounts. He was actually wasted when he got arrested. He's all fucked up from the war, but he's an amazing man. He loves nature and being outside. I love going out to Wyoming. We go way far into areas where there's no people are look for Indian Arrowheads. As cheesey as that sounds, it's so much fun. There's wildlife everywere and it's BEAUTIFUL! The mountains are all snow covered, but it's so warm. It's AWESOME. I'm hoping to go out there one last time before my grandparents pass away. Well, at least before my grandma. My grandpa is so sick he probably wouldn't be able to enjoy himself. Sadness.
I have a shitty family life, and I pretty much always have. I've depended on my mother and my Aunt Karin pretty much my whole life. My mom is basically the older sister I never had and my Aunt picks up all the slack my mom should have for me but just doesn't have the effort anymore. Or, she's finally letting me do my own thing and my aunt just isn't ready to accept the fact that I'm 19 years old, and I'm allowed to drink and smoke if I wanna! Justin is like the only person in my family that I can honestly never get tired of. He's 12 and we're already basically inseperable. I think it's cuz I'm his older older sister, I can drive and I drink and smoke and all his lil 12 year old friends want beer and shit. It's funny. I just laugh cuz when they're actually old enough to drink in 3 years, I'll be 22 and Justin will be calling me for booze and I'll laugh cuz I'll buy it. Cuz I love my brother. :)
I'm going to be working every single day of the week. My choice though. I'm really not too pleased about it though. Monday, Wednesday, Friday from 8-5 I'm going to be working with my mom for Ackerpak. That means, a desk, in an office. THANK GOD. Then the other 4 days of the week I'm gonna be still at the host. But making 8bucks at Ackerpack and 7 at the host will bring me in about 500bucks a week and that is effing exciting. Especially since I have a $295 SUV payment that I have to make a month now. Yeah, I'm signing the title of my Accord over to my sister Jessica, and she's taking over those payments and I'm taking over Rob's old GMC Jimmy payments. It's sweet. 2000 GMC Jimmy. Burghandy. Mint interior. He's pimp. The HimmyJimmy<3 as Allison and I like to call him. yay!
I miss all my friends that are away at school. All my favorites. :(
I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED FOR DAVE. 12/7 will not come soon enough. GODD <3 I LOVE DMB. weeee.
So, I'm still holding onto you. Even though I know that I shouldn't. Because I'm just going to end up getting hurt. And it really sucks. I don't know how much more I can take.
I have pictures from this summer that I'll be posting here momentarily. Within the next few days, when I find the time to actually sit down and do it. So look for those, and for more updates. AND YOU MYSPACE WHORES; I'm using it again, so message me. okthanx.
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