(no subject)
The Challenge: write, produce, stage, and mount a 10 minute play in 24 hours.
The theme: Assassination
The line (must be included): "That's why so many people hide from their mothers."
The sound effect: A beeping horn
The props: a feather duster, a sponge, and two chairs.
Presenting:
THE DEFAMATION OF HELEN KELLER
By Brandon Baruch
A Bedroom. Andrea is asleep in a bed. Rather, she is
asleep in a chair which represents a bed. It shouldn't
look too comfortable or too realistic.
Helen Keller sneaks up from behind the chair. This Helen
Keller can see and hear. But yes, she is still that Helen
Keller.
Helen walks around Andrea's bed, counting as
she goes.
HELEN KELLER
One, One, Two, Three, Five, Eight!
She goes over to Andrea, who is still asleep.
HELEN KELLER
That's a Fibonacci sequence, you know. One, Two, Fifteen, Blueberry! Are you awake?
Will you wake up? Why won't you awaken up? Wakie wakie poodle!
Andrea still has not moved. Helen goes to one side of her
and leans in. She examines Andrea's face. She leans into
Andrea's ear.
HELEN KELLER
(à la Roadrunner)
Meep Meep!
Andrea wakes up and screams in terror. This scares
Helen, who screams in return. Her scream goes directly
into her next line.
HELEN KELLER
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HH have never been so scared in my life, you child, you, you thing! You frightened me,
by gummy!
ANDREA
Dammit Helen!
HELEN KELLER
Such language out of your mouth! I daren't hear it, lest my cranium go insaneum! I, my
dear, am the monarch from across the seas whose very name strikes fear, nay, terror,
neigh, horses into the soul of every man in the West! I! Am Helen Keller!
She bows. A moment.
HELEN KELLER
I! Am Helen Keller.
She bows again.
HELEN KELLER
The Helen Keller, I'm sure you've very much heard of me! I'm very much famous.
ANDREA
(collecting her thoughts)
Helen, you can't keep doing this. I have to get sleep, and you've been here every night
this week. I have a presentation tomorrow and I need to get some sleep.
HELEN KELLER
Jewish? Good goodness, girl, no. What is your name?
ANDREA
(considers)
Andrea.
HELEN KELLER
I shall call you... Phillip! Phillip von Hampsterblatt!
ANDREA
I'm sticking with Andrea.
HELEN KELLER
Phillip von Hampsterblatt, I have a magic trick to show you!
ANDREA
No, Helen! This is it, I'm putting my foot down--
HELEN KELLER
(singing)
Down down down!
ANDREA
Helen, get out of my room. You are crazy, and I can't deal with it, not right now!
HELEN KELLER
I'm crazy? My dearie dear, I'm crazy? I! Am crazy? Me, me me?
Beat.
HELEN KELLER
Good. Now let me show you my magic trick!
She runs off, singing.
HELEN KELLER (O.S.)
Oh once there was a little girl, a little girl, a little girl, oh once there was a little girl, her
name was Phillip von Hampsterblatt! She ate a piece of puddin' pie, of puddin' pie, of
puddin' pie, she ate a piece of puddin' pie, and then went home to Mammy!!!
She reënters with a feather duster on a stick.
HELEN KELLER
(showing the duster for "all" to see)
As you can see, in my hand, I hold an ordinary Box of Tissues!
ANDREA
That's a feather duster.
HELEN KELLER
(one breath)
It's a Box of Tissues I'm queen Helen!
(then)
An ordinary Box of Tissues! But, with a simple wave of my hand-- close your eyes.
ANDREA
What?
HELEN KELLER
Close your eyes, Phillip von Hampsterblatt!
ANDREA
(with a grunt)
Fine!
She closes her eyes. Helen pulls the plastic wrap off the
feather. She leans in again to Andrea's face.
HELEN KELLER
Meep Meep!
ANDREA
(opening her eyes with a start)
Dammit!
HELEN KELLER
The trick is complete!
Andrea looks at the feather duster, notices no change.
ANDREA
Helen, I'm right smack dab in the middle of a purpose-driven crisis right now. You have
to go away.
HELEN KELLER
I will tell you my deepest, darkest, truest secret, because you are tiny.
ANDREA
(disinterested)
Yeh?
HELEN KELLER
(solemn)
I faked it.
ANDREA
(actually a little interested)
What did you fake?
HELEN KELLER
Everything. I only pretended to be [said like a mute:] "that way" to become famous.
ANDREA
I-I knew it!
Andrea, now armed with this fact, gets up and walks
offstage. Helen pays her no mind.
HELEN KELLER
A big faker, that's what I am!
(Andrea is gone)
Wait, Phillip von Hampsterblatt! Come back here! You daren't tell anyone my horrible
secret! Phillip von Hampsterblatt! I will crush you! I will crush you like an elephant
under a sunroof!
(calmly, to the audience)
We now transport you forward in time. A day! A day forward in time. There's a reason
I called her Andrea, you know. Because that's her name. So is Tittle Tow Pow, but only
on alternate weekends. A day later, it's the next morning, and this is her friend, Margot.
We don't have a curtain, but you will pretend that we do. I will make this noise: tweedle
tweedle tweedle tweedle!
Andrea and Margot position themselves for the next
scene. Helen stands to the side, from where she watches.
MARGOT
I can't believe--
HELEN KELLER
(interrupting, still holding the feather duster)
Oh, yes, yes, good puddles yes, I forgot to add that we're coming in to the middle of the
scene.
MARGOT
I can't believe--
HELEN KELLER
(interrupting, whispered)
Queen of England.
MARGOT
(a pause, then:)
I can't believe you're telling me this, why are you telling me this? She was a national
hero!
ANDREA
Who could see and hear! I'm just going to tell the world.
MARGOT
So you want to defame Helen Keller.
ANDREA
No, I don't want to-- well, basically, yes. Actually, yes. I want to defame Helen Keller.
MARGOT
I can't have any part in this.
ANDREA
Margot. Margot, listen to me. I have been searching all my life for a cause, something to
devote my heart and soul to. Something to give me purpose. I need a cause.
HELEN KELLER
(to the audience)
What you children call emo, in your modern parlance.
MARGOT
A cause? A cause is not to defame Helen Keller! You're looking for something to put
your life towards! Save the rainforest whales, protest a war or a president--
HELEN KELLER
(to the audience)
Do not worry, dear watchers of our audience, we will not be making a joke about the
president tonight!
MARGOT
But something that makes you a better person! So that you're remembered for it! You
want to be remembered as a good-doer, not a character assassin!
ANDREA
No, no, I need to get the truth out there. Helen Keller was a big fake! I want to let the
world know. And I want to be known as the person who let the world know that Helen
Keller was a big fake!
MARGOT
How do you know?
ANDREA
(definitive)
She told me.
MARGOT
(taken aback)
She-she told you?
ANDREA
Yes. She came to me last night, and she told me that she had faked it all.
MARGOT
You mean she wasn't really--
ANDREA
No. And the world needs to know.
MARGOT
But she's a national hero!
HELEN KELLER
So she said!
ANDREA
Margot, this is it. Either we go out there and tell the world that Helen Keller was a big
lie, or we sit here like so much sushi and propagate a truth.
MARGOT
I'm not propagating anything! But there are people out there who believe in her, who
idolize her.
ANDREA
For what, for existing? What did she ever do?
HELEN KELLER
Some fan mail:
"Dear Helen Keller. Thank you for existing. My name is Joffrey, and I am fat. Not too
fat, but just fat enough where I feel really bad about everything in my life, but you make
me feel so much better when I read about you in school. Is that okay that I say read? I
mean, because you couldn't, or could you? Could you read? I don't know, I actually just
stole the notes on the book from this doof in my class. Love, Joffrey."
"Dear Helen Keller. My name is Borskii, and I am not from American. Sometimes it
makes for very hard to living here when with everyone is hating me for to being not like
them different. I am learn about you in school. I am having forty-five years, but when I
am arriving in this country, I am placed in Kindergarten. My only friend is named
Joffrey. You are inspiring me very much to make most of life here in America and be like
you, Helen Keller. I love a lot you, Borskii."
"Dear Helen Keller. Did you ever make it with another woman--"
(offended)
Well, I never! Poodles towards the Queen of England!
MARGOT
I can't destroy the character of such a magnificent woman, even if it's only her image that
people adore.
HELEN KELLER
There's an episode of "The Simpsons" wherein-- Oh, "The Simpsons," I don't like that
show at all! Posh and Hearth. Well, ninny matter, there's an episode of "The Simpsons"
wherein Lisa Simpson, she's the cute little girl, discovers that Jebediah Springfield, the
founder of their town, also known as Springfield, is a phony! Hah! He's actually a
crook! But little darling Lisa decides not to tell the town because if she should so do, she
should destroy the town's memory of this great man, their founder, their hero. Now why
did I tell that story? Something about beeswax.
ANDREA
But don't you see? She lied! Helen Keller lied to Anne Sullivan, she lied to her parents--
MARGOT
So what she lied to her parents? Everyone lies to their parents. That's why most people
hide from their mothers, they're scared they'll get caught in a lie.
ANDREA
She lied to Radcliffe! Radcliffe, Margot, Radcliffe!
MARGOT
I don't think that Radcliffe College admitted her purely because of her disabilities.
ANDREA
But what if they did, Margot? What if they did? The reputation of every single student
to graduate from Radcliffe College since 1904. All of them, marred. Marred!
MARGOT
What do you care about Radcliffe?! I'll tell you what your problem is.
ANDREA
What, that I have some sort of personal vendetta against Helen Keller? A deep seated
jealousy that she was able to overcome adversity and all odds? That even without sight
or sound, she managed to make a difference in the world? That she managed to inspire
millions of people?
HELEN KELLER
"Dear Helen Keller. You rock, l-o-l, haha, no really, your cool. Heart, Hank."
ANDREA
That she was able to live a long and fulfilling life, even though not at full capacity, while
I'm nearly 22, and I can't even get arrested in the world of philanthropy? Is that what?
Is that what my problem is?!
MARGOT
No, your problem is that you're batshit insane. You think that Helen Keller comes to
you at night and tells you she's the Queen of England. That's your problem. Freaknut.
I'm going to get coffee now, because you are an absolutely ridiculous person.
She leaves.
HELEN KELLER
You are an absolutely ridiculous person! La! What a wonderful thing to say!
(she sings it:)
You are an absolutely ridiculous person! An absolutely ridiculous person! Absolute
Absolute! Ridic Ridic Ridiculous!
(pulling out the silver sponge, to Andrea:)
Do you know what this is?
ANDREA
A scouring sponge from Target?
HELEN KELLER
This is my heart. Well, one of them. This is the part of my heart that allows for
creativity. It's also very pretty, that's why it's silver, because it's also very pretty. I
would like to give this to you, to make amends for calling you Phillip von Hampsterblatt.
And also because you remind me of a young me at your age, except with sight and sound
capabilities. Did you know my parents made me read a waffle iron?
ANDREA
(resigned)
Do you think I'm batshit insane, Helen?
HELEN KELLER
Insane, me? Oh dear, no. I'm the Queen of England!
Fin.
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