(no subject)
Does Facebook notify people when you change that cissexist as it disregards those who lie beyond the gender binary part of your information that describes whether you're interested in men or women?
I'm wondering if I should change that on October 11th, which is National Coming Out Day. I mean, I'm not around that day because it happens to be the first day of the AMTA conference (yay!) but then I would probably spend the entirety of my train ride to Chicago thinking about if people had seen it and reacted to it or whatever. And then maybe I would spend the conference thinking too much about it. That does seem like something I would do, and I would definitely hate to ruin my conference experience because of it.
Just played with Chris Zombiestuckey's account (long story) and it looks like while it does appear on your Timeline, it isn't, like, broadcast on everyone else's homepage. So I don't really know. I mean, I kinda dig the idea of doing it surreptitiously, which is sort of how I've been going along on Tumblr; I casually drop little things like "fellow queers" and "I want Laura Hall in my bed" (which isn't that subtle but it's not like straight women don't still have girl-crushes) but I've only explicitly stated that I identify as pansexual twice--once in response to something likely only one person ever read, and once hidden in my tags, where I hide many things. I don't really see the point in making a huge deal out of something that's not really a huge deal to me, but it does feel kind of strange to present myself as straight when my "cookie list" (read: list of famous people you'd sleep with--or in the case of my asexual friend, bake cookies with) contains primarily women. Especially dark-haired women.
Um. Sorry. I got distracted by thoughts of Regina Spektor and Lisa Edelstein. Also maybe my high school string teacher but I don't want to talk about that.
BACK TO THE POINT.
Today my mom was hosting a party/meeting with the staff at her school, and after seeing my hair one of the teachers made a comment about how I would probably be getting propositions from the ladies. And I was thinking afterwards that that would be nice okay thank you. Which probably isn't the best (or most feminist) emotional reaction, but there ya go. And yet one of the only things that bugs me about this super-rad haircut (I love my lack of hair so much you guys, like you don't even know) is that I feel like I'm falling into a stereotype, and that is something I really, really don't want to do.
Because I've always been the stereotype of a lesbian, right? I mean, I have a ridiculously low speaking voice (and in fact the range of my singing voice has meant that I can sing most tenor lines), I'm fairly tall, I only bother with makeup when I feel inspired to wear it because I'm so terrifically lazy, I spent all of high school writing in a diary, I have been vehemently into queer rights since before I realized I was (became???) pansexual, I love cats, I am a passionate feminist, I have very few guy friends (and the ones I have tend to be gay but on the other hand it's not like that ever stopped me), I have always tried to be confident about being a non-comformist (to the point of special snowflake syndrome), my group of friends is always notoriously nerdy or non-comformist or emo or goth or some mix of all of these things, and now I have shaved my head.
And like, there's nothing wrong with queer ladies falling into these stereotypes or not falling into these sterotypes. These are just bullshit things that people inexplicably think defines the classic lesbian, and obviously loving cats doesn't necessarily define whether or not you love pussy (sorry, I couldn't resist). It just sort of feels like if I personally fall into these stereotypes, I'm somehow going against all of my previous notions that the stereotypes are bullshit. Yes, I realize this is ridiculously irrational. But that is how feelings go; they think they're above logic and like to fuck you up with their douchebaggery. This all ties into my general confusion about who I am, because I keep trying to figure out how long I've been pansexual (or at least bisexual--it's no secret that High School Molly did not realize that there are more than two genders) and I can't be totally sure about this. Like, in high school I was pretty convinced that I was straight (unlike, apparently, everyone else in school--yay, rumours!). So is that because I was straight, or was I just denying my feelings because I really, really didn't want to prove everyone at least partly-right?
I still don't want to "prove" people right. But I'm not sure that they were when I was in high school.
I just don't really understand any of this, which is why this entry doesn't have any semblance of flow or anything. Like, I mostly just have lots of semi-related thoughts and I wanted to write them down to see if maybe I could make sense of them but I wasn't feeling 750 Words today and yeah. I'm still not totally sure I understand. Well, I mean, I don't understand. I don't really get any of this and there are so many questions for which I might never get any answers. I will never know if I was straight during high school or not and anyway it's not like that's even clean-cut at all so really it's not like any of this even matters but I can't help it because it does matter and that really sucks.
And I still don't know what I'm going to do about that Facebook profile.
EDIT: Okay so "I don't know who I am" was already a tag and I was curious as to when I'd used it before and it was when I was first coming out to Livejournal and also in that entry I was listening to Maid with the Flaxen Hair (because of shuffle) and in this entry I was listening to Debussy (because of shuffle) and shuffle just started to play Clair de Lune and WHAT IS IT WITH DEBUSSY BRINGING OUT THE PANSEXUAL IN ME????
I'm wondering if I should change that on October 11th, which is National Coming Out Day. I mean, I'm not around that day because it happens to be the first day of the AMTA conference (yay!) but then I would probably spend the entirety of my train ride to Chicago thinking about if people had seen it and reacted to it or whatever. And then maybe I would spend the conference thinking too much about it. That does seem like something I would do, and I would definitely hate to ruin my conference experience because of it.
Just played with Chris Zombiestuckey's account (long story) and it looks like while it does appear on your Timeline, it isn't, like, broadcast on everyone else's homepage. So I don't really know. I mean, I kinda dig the idea of doing it surreptitiously, which is sort of how I've been going along on Tumblr; I casually drop little things like "fellow queers" and "I want Laura Hall in my bed" (which isn't that subtle but it's not like straight women don't still have girl-crushes) but I've only explicitly stated that I identify as pansexual twice--once in response to something likely only one person ever read, and once hidden in my tags, where I hide many things. I don't really see the point in making a huge deal out of something that's not really a huge deal to me, but it does feel kind of strange to present myself as straight when my "cookie list" (read: list of famous people you'd sleep with--or in the case of my asexual friend, bake cookies with) contains primarily women. Especially dark-haired women.
Um. Sorry. I got distracted by thoughts of Regina Spektor and Lisa Edelstein. Also maybe my high school string teacher but I don't want to talk about that.
BACK TO THE POINT.
Today my mom was hosting a party/meeting with the staff at her school, and after seeing my hair one of the teachers made a comment about how I would probably be getting propositions from the ladies. And I was thinking afterwards that that would be nice okay thank you. Which probably isn't the best (or most feminist) emotional reaction, but there ya go. And yet one of the only things that bugs me about this super-rad haircut (I love my lack of hair so much you guys, like you don't even know) is that I feel like I'm falling into a stereotype, and that is something I really, really don't want to do.
Because I've always been the stereotype of a lesbian, right? I mean, I have a ridiculously low speaking voice (and in fact the range of my singing voice has meant that I can sing most tenor lines), I'm fairly tall, I only bother with makeup when I feel inspired to wear it because I'm so terrifically lazy, I spent all of high school writing in a diary, I have been vehemently into queer rights since before I realized I was (became???) pansexual, I love cats, I am a passionate feminist, I have very few guy friends (and the ones I have tend to be gay but on the other hand it's not like that ever stopped me), I have always tried to be confident about being a non-comformist (to the point of special snowflake syndrome), my group of friends is always notoriously nerdy or non-comformist or emo or goth or some mix of all of these things, and now I have shaved my head.
And like, there's nothing wrong with queer ladies falling into these stereotypes or not falling into these sterotypes. These are just bullshit things that people inexplicably think defines the classic lesbian, and obviously loving cats doesn't necessarily define whether or not you love pussy (sorry, I couldn't resist). It just sort of feels like if I personally fall into these stereotypes, I'm somehow going against all of my previous notions that the stereotypes are bullshit. Yes, I realize this is ridiculously irrational. But that is how feelings go; they think they're above logic and like to fuck you up with their douchebaggery. This all ties into my general confusion about who I am, because I keep trying to figure out how long I've been pansexual (or at least bisexual--it's no secret that High School Molly did not realize that there are more than two genders) and I can't be totally sure about this. Like, in high school I was pretty convinced that I was straight (unlike, apparently, everyone else in school--yay, rumours!). So is that because I was straight, or was I just denying my feelings because I really, really didn't want to prove everyone at least partly-right?
I still don't want to "prove" people right. But I'm not sure that they were when I was in high school.
I just don't really understand any of this, which is why this entry doesn't have any semblance of flow or anything. Like, I mostly just have lots of semi-related thoughts and I wanted to write them down to see if maybe I could make sense of them but I wasn't feeling 750 Words today and yeah. I'm still not totally sure I understand. Well, I mean, I don't understand. I don't really get any of this and there are so many questions for which I might never get any answers. I will never know if I was straight during high school or not and anyway it's not like that's even clean-cut at all so really it's not like any of this even matters but I can't help it because it does matter and that really sucks.
And I still don't know what I'm going to do about that Facebook profile.
EDIT: Okay so "I don't know who I am" was already a tag and I was curious as to when I'd used it before and it was when I was first coming out to Livejournal and also in that entry I was listening to Maid with the Flaxen Hair (because of shuffle) and in this entry I was listening to Debussy (because of shuffle) and shuffle just started to play Clair de Lune and WHAT IS IT WITH DEBUSSY BRINGING OUT THE PANSEXUAL IN ME????