(no subject)
Things started off alright - I had to do some negotiating to be able to get out of the house to take gifts to Danika and Jon, but my parents relented and I was able to do so and spend a little bit of time with Jon. However, once 3pm hit, things went downhill at a rather alarming rate.
First, my dad snapped at me for making a joke about my iPod being broken. Apparently it's a "touchy subject" and I shouldn't bring it up, especially in such an irreverent manner. He got over it relatively quickly and I thought things were good.
However, then we had to deal with getting ready for church. Everything always goes fine until about 5 minutes before we have to get out the door, because that's when everyone's trying to get to the foyer to get their shoes on and my grandfather can never fucking find anything or remember what's going on, so it makes everyone stressed out because he gets mad, mistaking his own confusion for some sort of devious sabotage on the part of my family, and my mom and I are just waiting for my dad to start goading him and we're all just trying to leave anyway and there's no room, so someone eventually gets mad.
We get out of the house and to church and again, thing seem fine. I say hi to people I know and make the necessary comments about how much I miss being there and how I wish I was able to come regularly, blah blah blah. We get seats, wait for the service to start, and watch as everyone and their grandmother turns out for Christmas service - the place was empty at 4:30 and they were unfolding temporary chairs to make extra space by 4:45. Ah, the erstwhile congregation is out in force. Anyway, I was already somewhat uneasy because I'm really not fond of being back at my old church. What some of my friends feel when they have to stay with thier families rather than at school, I feel when I have to go to church. It's a part of my past that I was able to cope with and compartmentalize for a long time, but now that I've had freedom from it, I really hate being back there. Being at school and around people who understand my thoughts about my beliefs has made it easier for me to come to terms with my doubts, and having to go back to that need to pretend that I still believe in strict Christianity, no ifs, ands or buts, is hard and uncomfortable and just makes me get my back up. To add insult to injury, or maybe the other way around, we sat directly behind a family with 4 small girls, probably all within a year or two of each other agewise. The eldest girl was a dream, but her younger sisters were terrible, one in particular. She was not quiet for almost the entire service, and her complaints ranged from quiet whining that reached only people within about a 3-foot radius, to high-pitched shrieks that I'm sure the people in the parking lot could hear. I'll never understand the logic of parents who sit in church desperately trying to shush their screaming hellspawn, rather than just taking them out of the sanctuary and leaving everyone in peace. When you're trying to shut your kid up, you're not getting anything from the service anyway and plus, it's making life miserable for everyone around you. Gah.
When we got home, the clincher hit. My mom was quietly out in the kitchen, working on dinner and getting things prepared for tomorrow. My dad goes out to do something and within five minutes is bitching or doing something and my mom finally says "you know, I don't want you in here if you're going to be nasty. I'd much rather do it myself." My dad then proceeds to slam around whatever kitchen utensil he had out, storms out of the kitchen, and is gone for the rest of the night. My mom came in and apologized to me, saying something along the lines of, "It bothers me mostly for you. I want so badly for you to want to be here, but I don't blame you if you never want to come home." I kindof shrugged and told her the half-truth that I do sometimes want to come home and that it's not a big deal. I guess it's not a big deal, mainly because my dad has been pulling this shit for my entire life and I guess it's just something to let pass by like any other of life's normalities. However, she's right that it does make me not want to be home - why come back to rules and arbitrary restrictions when it's not even pleasant? Not much of a choice there, however, so I'll keep on putting up with my dad's crap until I pay my own bills and don't have to keep my mouth shut any goddamn longer.
Dinner took a while to prepare, so it was 8:30 by the time it was ready. Around 8 my grandparents decided to bow out, opting for bed without dinner rather than wait up half an hour past their bedtimes to eat. That left me and my mom alone for the rest of the night. We sat and watched Moonstruck and enjoyed together the meal that should have been a festive family occasion. Some Christmas Eve, but I guess tomorrow hasn't got much of a place to go except up.
Merry Christmas, everyone, and that's sincere. May your holidays be merry and bright.