*sigh* once again....
.... I am unemployed. By my choice, and by necessity.
So, the last couple of weeks, business picked up at the hotel - and there were a few times that I wasn't sure I'd made the right choice switching to PM from Night Audit. Sure, I had more hours and got to see more people (including my family), but at the same time.... well, I had to deal with more people. People who, as I tend to forget from time to time, are not nice. People are facinating, but only from afar. Up close and personal - people are just plain mean, and tend to take out their frustration, anger, and unhappyness on the closest "responsible" person. Which happened to be me.
Now I know, it was MY choice to move up to the 3-11 shift, and I honestly thought I could handle it.
Apparently not.
These last 3 days have taught me that I NEVER want to work in a hotel again. I don't think even as a Night Audit. I've come to accept and understand that I need to be constantly concentrating on something. Anything! And at this job, there were very long periods of time where I was sitting on my ass doing literally nothing! And when I brought in my laptop to try and work, I was put on official warning for "neglecting the guests".
This last shift, I worked 10 hours, and everything was fine for the most part until about 6am when people started coming down for breakfast and wanting to check out. My relief was 15 minutes late, and around the time she was in transit, I started breaking down. All I could think about was either crawling into a cubbard to hide or running out as if the building were falling down around my ears. That's what it felt like, the walls were closing in. When she finally arrived, all I could do was say "Hi!Bye!" and run out as fast as I could before I got sick.
I don't even remember getting in my car or driving. I think I got about halfway home before pulling into a gas station, and just ride out the most of it.
And then, my boss calls me and asks If I told a guest something, and all I can remember from that is breaking down and telling her "I can't do this anymore. I thought I could handle working PM, but I just can't, I'm sorry for letting you down, but I just can't do this anymore."
Job Stress I can handle. Insomnia-inducing job Stress, sure I can deal with that too....
Panic-attack-inducing job stress -- That's where I draw the line.
Thinking about it now (an hour after that panic-attack), I think I was trying to please too many people. Logically, I know I can't - but emotionally, I wasn't able to draw a line. And that's my problem.
That, and I was afraid of making people angry. Of having them be angry with me. Of having my boss be angry with me. There was ALOT of fear there, and that's just not healthy.
I realize now, I was completely out of my element. And being completely out of my element with NO ONE there to talk to or to help me, it just made everything worse.
So, I'm chalking this up to a major learning experience, and will definitely be either going back to school or finding a job in busy-retail or something computer related.
So, the last couple of weeks, business picked up at the hotel - and there were a few times that I wasn't sure I'd made the right choice switching to PM from Night Audit. Sure, I had more hours and got to see more people (including my family), but at the same time.... well, I had to deal with more people. People who, as I tend to forget from time to time, are not nice. People are facinating, but only from afar. Up close and personal - people are just plain mean, and tend to take out their frustration, anger, and unhappyness on the closest "responsible" person. Which happened to be me.
Now I know, it was MY choice to move up to the 3-11 shift, and I honestly thought I could handle it.
Apparently not.
These last 3 days have taught me that I NEVER want to work in a hotel again. I don't think even as a Night Audit. I've come to accept and understand that I need to be constantly concentrating on something. Anything! And at this job, there were very long periods of time where I was sitting on my ass doing literally nothing! And when I brought in my laptop to try and work, I was put on official warning for "neglecting the guests".
This last shift, I worked 10 hours, and everything was fine for the most part until about 6am when people started coming down for breakfast and wanting to check out. My relief was 15 minutes late, and around the time she was in transit, I started breaking down. All I could think about was either crawling into a cubbard to hide or running out as if the building were falling down around my ears. That's what it felt like, the walls were closing in. When she finally arrived, all I could do was say "Hi!Bye!" and run out as fast as I could before I got sick.
I don't even remember getting in my car or driving. I think I got about halfway home before pulling into a gas station, and just ride out the most of it.
And then, my boss calls me and asks If I told a guest something, and all I can remember from that is breaking down and telling her "I can't do this anymore. I thought I could handle working PM, but I just can't, I'm sorry for letting you down, but I just can't do this anymore."
Job Stress I can handle. Insomnia-inducing job Stress, sure I can deal with that too....
Panic-attack-inducing job stress -- That's where I draw the line.
Thinking about it now (an hour after that panic-attack), I think I was trying to please too many people. Logically, I know I can't - but emotionally, I wasn't able to draw a line. And that's my problem.
That, and I was afraid of making people angry. Of having them be angry with me. Of having my boss be angry with me. There was ALOT of fear there, and that's just not healthy.
I realize now, I was completely out of my element. And being completely out of my element with NO ONE there to talk to or to help me, it just made everything worse.
So, I'm chalking this up to a major learning experience, and will definitely be either going back to school or finding a job in busy-retail or something computer related.