sitting shiva
we're sitting shiva for my grandmother this week.
i'm staying at my parents' house, as are my brother, Laurie, and Avery. it's tolerable, mainly because i'm avoiding them by going to bed early, carpooling with Ben and Laurie, and just walking away.
mum tried to guilt trip me at my cousin Audrey's house only 2 hours after grandma had been interred, in front of/to my great-aunt, grandma's sister. i warned mum once that i would walk off if she continued. i warned her a second time. the third time i just left and found another relative to talk to.
Laurie overheard my father talking with his brother about daughters and how they take advantage of/manipulate/wheedle favors from their fathers. my father claimed that not only do i still do so (haven't in years), but that, after taking his handouts, i then stab him in the heart. yes, that wording.
i've also forgotten/repressed how constant my mum's undermining of my self confidence re my looks was, and continues to be. this morning before we left:
mum- "Rebecca. You actually look good." (genuinely surprised)
because i usually look like shit. but shit that "could look better, if you only (insert suggestion here)."
and let's not talk about grandma's money, somewhere around a couple of million dollars, maybe a bit more or less, and how it's going to be divided up... and how Ben and I need a lawyer, if this plays out the way it looks like it will.
let's not talk about how my father called Ben the night grandma had died to talk money with Ben, nor how my mother had me wear jewelry (rubies and diamonds) she'd gotten from grandma before grandma died... but don't tell anyone where they came from, who they came from, there might be trouble.
let's not talk about how family was the most important thing to grandma... but on tuesday, shiva will be sat separately by two of my uncles, mainly because one of them is a real ass. that ass? promised on the bima while he read a eulogy for grandma that the family would remain whole.
still no phone reception here, to boot.
and me? not sure how i'm doing. i decided to see her in the casket, so small and still. and i don't know. i haven't cried yet, and i'm not sure how much of that is because grandma was an amazing lady, lived a full life, lived a remarkably fulfilled life... or if i'm just still in shock.