(no subject)
i dont know what to do. i cant take all of this anymore. i really can't.
he called me. for the first time in a few months i wasnt the one who had to call. he bought the baby a new playpen. a super expensive one no doubt. my sister is in soccer. he takes her to her games and cheeres her on. i get a phone call at the most once a week. i email him and he doesnt open the email for two weeks. i call and hes preoccupied so i talk to an empty phone line. i tell him things and he laugh. while i cry. i couldnt tell him things about my mother because hed just say i told you...or yea why do you think we got divorced?...or yea..well you only have two more years. he has never truely supported me. he doesnt listen when i talk..and i know that. no one listens to me. noone. they may claim they do... but they dont. because i repeat major things to soo many people in the course of one day. im so sick of being dissapointed by so many people. im so sick of being fake. of not having anyone to really break down to because i dont want to annoy them. im so sick of trying to be nice to people and getting stepped all over. of being incredibly bored with everything. i honestly dont enjoy anything anymore. i just sit through my days and wait till tomorrow. i hate that im always hungry. that my grades are slipping because i dont care. that im not as good as i want to be. that i get no respect. im sick of my body. my face. my room. my exhaustion. i cant stand all this dissapointment. which is part of the reason i dont try anymore. i honestly try to be such a good friend but it aparently doesnt pay off. im not ok. i just want to be appreciated. to feel loved. i do ...most days. its just that my father isnt there for me... my mother is preoccupied... my sister sits and makes fun of me constantly. people i sing with hate me or try to see what im like when im angry. i dont even know if i should run for class treasurer. after the whole chorus thing i dont want more failure. i dont want to make an ass of myself again. i wish this rain would stop. that would cheer me up. im cold.
i want to watch a movie. or sleep. something to get me away for a little while. i need a movie night with a friend really badly. i need to stop being so sad. to stop feeling like shit constantly. to stop sulking. but its hard. and i need help.
i need my father to step up. i need to be able to stand up to him and tell him how i feel. about how he has never heard me sing. about how fake he seems when hes on the phone. about how i dont feel loved by him. about how i cry almost everyday now and that he isnt helping at all. i just need something.
whatev. half day tomorrow. maybe we can do lunch?