Films of 2015
The annual list that nobody everybody is waiting for! May contain a lot of Colin Firth.
9/10 - Star Wars - The Force Awakens - hardly a surprise really. This was destined to be #1 from the moment it was announced.
8.5/10 - Birdman - impressive award worthy drama. Very nearly the film of the year.
8/10 - Victor Frankenstein - can be watched as a homoerotic gay love story or a steam punk action adventure. Guess how I watched it?
8/10 - Saving Mr Banks - lovely lovely lovely. I cried, thats how lovely it was.
8/10 - The Mule - impressive low budget Australian drama about a man not having a poo. It is SO much better than it sounds.
8/10 - Steve Jobs - Fassbender in a variety of wigs and turtle necks. The only man to make high waisted stone washed demin jeans HOT! Oh yeah, and the film was excellent as well.
8/10 - Crimson Peak - Hiddles in Victoriana. That is all you need to know.
8/10 - Prisoners - Jake Gyllenhaal (with porn!hair) and Hugh Jackman in a very intense drama.
8/10 - Cooties - kids get infected and turn into bloodthursty zombies. Funny, gory with weirdly attractive Rainn Wilson and cute as a button Leigh Whannell.
8/10 - Mad Max: Fury Road - a film which basically goes RRRRRRAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH for 2 hours. Charlize Theron is a fucking badass.
7.5/10 - Kingsman - it ruined my life and launched a million Merlin/Hart slash fics. Most of which I have read.
7/10 - What We Do In The Shadows - amusing low budget New Zealand mock-doc about vampires. You know me and vampire flicks.
7/10 - MacBeth - rugged and handsome, but enough about Fassbender.
7/10 - Bill - funny story about William Shakespeare and his missing years. Probably not a documentary.
7/10 - Welcome to the Punch - Mark Strong kicking arse. Thats all you need.
7/10 - Apartment Zero - creepy!Firth in a gay love story. Whaddya mean its not a gay love story??
7/10 - Hyena - Compulsory to call this 'gritty' and 'hard hitting'.
7/10 - Fever Pitch - love story. Either between Firth and football, Firth and a woman or Firth and Strong. (Its definately between Firth and Strong)
7/10 - Before I Go to Sleep - Firth and Strong continue their long term love affair. Nicole Kidman cant remember it.
7/10 - Girl With a Pearl Earring - Firth!hair. He paints some pictures of Scarlett Johnasson. Mark Strong curiously absent.
7/10 - The Importance of Being Earnest - Firth and Everett gad about in an amusing 'romp'.
7/10 - Nanny McPhee - Kids film which curiously I really liked. Firth in Victoriana and the wonderful Emma Thompson.
7/10 - Trauma - British psychological drama with Firth!scruff. Good times.
7/10 - The Railway Man - often a hard watch with Firth in a POW camp. Good stuff though.
7/10 - 20 Feet From Stardom - documentary about backing singers. Man those girls have some pipes on 'em!
7/10 - 20,000 Days on Earth - documentary about singer Nick Cave. I love Nick Cave, I liked this film.
6/10 - Horns - Daniel Radcliffe grows some horns. Pretty good stuff, falls apart towards the end but all in all its watchable.
6/10 - Legend - two Tom Hardys, you cant really go wrong with that. Film is nothing special though.
6/10 - Pressure - scruff!Matthew Goode in a diving bell. I'd like to spend time trapped with Matthew Goode in a diving bell.
6/10 - Paddington - enjoyable kiddy film with Capaldi and a bear. Needed more Capaldi.
6/10 - Enemy - two Jake Gyllenhaals doing something. No idea what it was about. Needed less massive spider.
6/10 - Pacific Rim - big robots beating the shit out of big monsters. Idris Elba in a selection of fines suits. Nice.
6/10 - Dead Within - Dean Chekvala trapped in a cabin from something nasty outside. I'd like to be trapped in a cabin with Dean Chekvala.
6/10 - Insidious - a massive pile of whooooooo! Good until they went to Narnia or Neverland or wherever. Leigh Whannall is as cute as a button.
6/10 - Anna / Mindscape - Mark Strong is a stubbly detective investigating something to do with mind skillz or something. I got destracted by stubbly!Mark Strong
6/10 - Zero Dark Thirty - worthy but dull film about finding Osama Bin Laden. They found him. Ooops spoiler.
6/10 - Stardust - fantasy film starring every British actor in the world ever. And Robert De Niro in a dress. I wonder how much they paid him for that?
6/10 - The Advocate / Hour of the Pig - Colin Firth is a medieval lawyer defending a pig. He has lots of sex and wears silly hats. Not at the same time.
6/10 - Shakespeare in Love - Shakespeare n shit innit.
6/10 - Leap Year - the one rom-com I can watch without vomiting. This is purely down to Matthew Goode and his rediculously wonderful face. Damn him.
6/10 - Chappie - disappointing sci-fi robot action film. CGI is amazing but the film is meh.
6/10 - Gambit - Firth in a farce. But sometimes out of his trousers. That was a good bit.
6/10 - Hope Springs - Firth rom-com. Liked Firth, hated the rom-com-ness.
6/10 - Under the Skin - Scarlett Johansson drives around Glasgow and picks up men in her van. Shes an alien, its a very uncomfortable film.
5/10 - Insidious 2 - whoooooooo etc. Leigh Whannell cute as a button etc
5/10 - Insidious Chapter 3 - More wooooooo! More Leigh Whannell. A big bag of meh.
5/10 - The Matrix Trilogy - fell asleep during the third one, but the first one was good.
5/10 - Ghost Shark - its a shark, who is a ghost. Silly stuff.
5/10 - Brideshead Revisited - Matthew Goode and Ben Whishaw poncing around in a big house. They get their arses out at one point. Bless them both.
5/10 - Chasing Liberty - Matthew Goode rom-com. I liked one part of that (hint: not the rom-com bit)
5/10 - Dying Breed - kids go looking for monster in Tasmania. It doesn't end well for them. Leigh Whannell/button etc
5/10 - Sharknado 3 - All hail Sharknado! Praise be!
5/10 - Death at a Funeral - the British version, not the US remake. Bless Peter Dinklage for lowering his standards.
5/10 - Stitches - clown comes back from the dead and kills people in a vriety of gruesome ways. I liked the gru, the rest was crap.
5/10 - Robin Hood - Russell Crowe and his wandering accent. Mark Strong and his guyliner. Cate Blanchette trying to be plain. Film trying to be good, it fails.
5/10 - Valmont - Basically its Dangerous Liasons, but with Colin Firth. And its not as good.
5/10 - What A Girl Wants - Firth rom-com. Firth wears leather trousers and gets his groove on. That was the good bit.
5/10 - Arthur Newman - Firth and a distracting American accent
5/10 - Dorian Gray - Firth and a distracting stick on beard.
5/10 - St Trinians - Firth gets his arse out! Again.
5/10 - The Last Legion - That nice Mr Firth is a badass Roman Centurian.....yeah? Not buying it.
4/10 - Lavalantula - big spiders! The cast of Police Acadamy! Not as good as it could have been!
4/10 - Imagine Me & You - Basically saying would you rather be married to Matthew Goode or have a passionate affair with Lena Headey? Its an impossible choice.
4/10 - Match Point - crappy Woody Allen film. Has the amazing sight of Mark Gatiss playing table-tennis with Scarlett Johansson.
4/10 - What We Did on Our Holiday - semi-improvised 'comedy' about a bunch of kids burning their dead grandfather. Tennant was the best thing in it.
4/10 - The Quiet Ones - I remember nothing about this apart from Jared Harris and his wonderful voice.
4/10 - Human Centipede 3 - for something so disgusting it is surprisingly boring.
4/10 - Another Country - Young!Colin Firth and Young!Rupert Everett fall in love with Young!Cary Elwes. Dull.
4/10 - Magic in the Moonlight - crappy Woody Allen film with a moody Colin Firth. I dont think he was acting.
4/10 - John Carter....OF MARS - dull dull dull. Nothing makes sense! DULL!
4/10 - St Trinians 2:The Legend of Frittons Gold - much the same as the first one but with more Tennant in a suit.
4/10 - Relative Values - cant remember watching this. Thats how good it was.
3/10 - Saw V / Saw VI - stabbity, slashy, stabbity, arghhhhhhhh, slashy, crushy, stabbity, ARRGGHHHHHHH. Boring.
3/10 - Young Victoria - probably historically accurate but it bored the arse off of me.
3/10 - Rock N Rolla - the film which made me break my 'never watch a Guy Ritchie film' rule. It looked pretty, with Idris Elba, Tom Hardy, Gerard Butler and Mark Strong, but the rest of it was just shit.
3/10 - Playmaker - the film that Colin Firth has disowned. He did very nearly get his cock out, which is something I guess.
3/10 - Love Actually - There is not enough fury in my body to explain how much I hated this. The 3 was for Firth, Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman. God bless them for at least trying, and I'm sure the pay check was good.
3/10 - Mamma Mia - the film which had me covering my eyes in horror. And I've seen enough gory grot to sink a ship. The music was good, you cant kill the music, but everything else was awful. Just AWFUL! How did this make money????
3/10 - Bridget Jones-Edge of Reason - hated it hated it hated it. HATED IT! Does not bode well for the third one.
2/10 - Jurassic Shark - good name, crap film. Not even good in a campy Sharknado sorta was. Just dreadful.
9/10 - Star Wars - The Force Awakens - hardly a surprise really. This was destined to be #1 from the moment it was announced.
8.5/10 - Birdman - impressive award worthy drama. Very nearly the film of the year.
8/10 - Victor Frankenstein - can be watched as a homoerotic gay love story or a steam punk action adventure. Guess how I watched it?
8/10 - Saving Mr Banks - lovely lovely lovely. I cried, thats how lovely it was.
8/10 - The Mule - impressive low budget Australian drama about a man not having a poo. It is SO much better than it sounds.
8/10 - Steve Jobs - Fassbender in a variety of wigs and turtle necks. The only man to make high waisted stone washed demin jeans HOT! Oh yeah, and the film was excellent as well.
8/10 - Crimson Peak - Hiddles in Victoriana. That is all you need to know.
8/10 - Prisoners - Jake Gyllenhaal (with porn!hair) and Hugh Jackman in a very intense drama.
8/10 - Cooties - kids get infected and turn into bloodthursty zombies. Funny, gory with weirdly attractive Rainn Wilson and cute as a button Leigh Whannell.
8/10 - Mad Max: Fury Road - a film which basically goes RRRRRRAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH for 2 hours. Charlize Theron is a fucking badass.
7.5/10 - Kingsman - it ruined my life and launched a million Merlin/Hart slash fics. Most of which I have read.
7/10 - What We Do In The Shadows - amusing low budget New Zealand mock-doc about vampires. You know me and vampire flicks.
7/10 - MacBeth - rugged and handsome, but enough about Fassbender.
7/10 - Bill - funny story about William Shakespeare and his missing years. Probably not a documentary.
7/10 - Welcome to the Punch - Mark Strong kicking arse. Thats all you need.
7/10 - Apartment Zero - creepy!Firth in a gay love story. Whaddya mean its not a gay love story??
7/10 - Hyena - Compulsory to call this 'gritty' and 'hard hitting'.
7/10 - Fever Pitch - love story. Either between Firth and football, Firth and a woman or Firth and Strong. (Its definately between Firth and Strong)
7/10 - Before I Go to Sleep - Firth and Strong continue their long term love affair. Nicole Kidman cant remember it.
7/10 - Girl With a Pearl Earring - Firth!hair. He paints some pictures of Scarlett Johnasson. Mark Strong curiously absent.
7/10 - The Importance of Being Earnest - Firth and Everett gad about in an amusing 'romp'.
7/10 - Nanny McPhee - Kids film which curiously I really liked. Firth in Victoriana and the wonderful Emma Thompson.
7/10 - Trauma - British psychological drama with Firth!scruff. Good times.
7/10 - The Railway Man - often a hard watch with Firth in a POW camp. Good stuff though.
7/10 - 20 Feet From Stardom - documentary about backing singers. Man those girls have some pipes on 'em!
7/10 - 20,000 Days on Earth - documentary about singer Nick Cave. I love Nick Cave, I liked this film.
6/10 - Horns - Daniel Radcliffe grows some horns. Pretty good stuff, falls apart towards the end but all in all its watchable.
6/10 - Legend - two Tom Hardys, you cant really go wrong with that. Film is nothing special though.
6/10 - Pressure - scruff!Matthew Goode in a diving bell. I'd like to spend time trapped with Matthew Goode in a diving bell.
6/10 - Paddington - enjoyable kiddy film with Capaldi and a bear. Needed more Capaldi.
6/10 - Enemy - two Jake Gyllenhaals doing something. No idea what it was about. Needed less massive spider.
6/10 - Pacific Rim - big robots beating the shit out of big monsters. Idris Elba in a selection of fines suits. Nice.
6/10 - Dead Within - Dean Chekvala trapped in a cabin from something nasty outside. I'd like to be trapped in a cabin with Dean Chekvala.
6/10 - Insidious - a massive pile of whooooooo! Good until they went to Narnia or Neverland or wherever. Leigh Whannall is as cute as a button.
6/10 - Anna / Mindscape - Mark Strong is a stubbly detective investigating something to do with mind skillz or something. I got destracted by stubbly!Mark Strong
6/10 - Zero Dark Thirty - worthy but dull film about finding Osama Bin Laden. They found him. Ooops spoiler.
6/10 - Stardust - fantasy film starring every British actor in the world ever. And Robert De Niro in a dress. I wonder how much they paid him for that?
6/10 - The Advocate / Hour of the Pig - Colin Firth is a medieval lawyer defending a pig. He has lots of sex and wears silly hats. Not at the same time.
6/10 - Shakespeare in Love - Shakespeare n shit innit.
6/10 - Leap Year - the one rom-com I can watch without vomiting. This is purely down to Matthew Goode and his rediculously wonderful face. Damn him.
6/10 - Chappie - disappointing sci-fi robot action film. CGI is amazing but the film is meh.
6/10 - Gambit - Firth in a farce. But sometimes out of his trousers. That was a good bit.
6/10 - Hope Springs - Firth rom-com. Liked Firth, hated the rom-com-ness.
6/10 - Under the Skin - Scarlett Johansson drives around Glasgow and picks up men in her van. Shes an alien, its a very uncomfortable film.
5/10 - Insidious 2 - whoooooooo etc. Leigh Whannell cute as a button etc
5/10 - Insidious Chapter 3 - More wooooooo! More Leigh Whannell. A big bag of meh.
5/10 - The Matrix Trilogy - fell asleep during the third one, but the first one was good.
5/10 - Ghost Shark - its a shark, who is a ghost. Silly stuff.
5/10 - Brideshead Revisited - Matthew Goode and Ben Whishaw poncing around in a big house. They get their arses out at one point. Bless them both.
5/10 - Chasing Liberty - Matthew Goode rom-com. I liked one part of that (hint: not the rom-com bit)
5/10 - Dying Breed - kids go looking for monster in Tasmania. It doesn't end well for them. Leigh Whannell/button etc
5/10 - Sharknado 3 - All hail Sharknado! Praise be!
5/10 - Death at a Funeral - the British version, not the US remake. Bless Peter Dinklage for lowering his standards.
5/10 - Stitches - clown comes back from the dead and kills people in a vriety of gruesome ways. I liked the gru, the rest was crap.
5/10 - Robin Hood - Russell Crowe and his wandering accent. Mark Strong and his guyliner. Cate Blanchette trying to be plain. Film trying to be good, it fails.
5/10 - Valmont - Basically its Dangerous Liasons, but with Colin Firth. And its not as good.
5/10 - What A Girl Wants - Firth rom-com. Firth wears leather trousers and gets his groove on. That was the good bit.
5/10 - Arthur Newman - Firth and a distracting American accent
5/10 - Dorian Gray - Firth and a distracting stick on beard.
5/10 - St Trinians - Firth gets his arse out! Again.
5/10 - The Last Legion - That nice Mr Firth is a badass Roman Centurian.....yeah? Not buying it.
4/10 - Lavalantula - big spiders! The cast of Police Acadamy! Not as good as it could have been!
4/10 - Imagine Me & You - Basically saying would you rather be married to Matthew Goode or have a passionate affair with Lena Headey? Its an impossible choice.
4/10 - Match Point - crappy Woody Allen film. Has the amazing sight of Mark Gatiss playing table-tennis with Scarlett Johansson.
4/10 - What We Did on Our Holiday - semi-improvised 'comedy' about a bunch of kids burning their dead grandfather. Tennant was the best thing in it.
4/10 - The Quiet Ones - I remember nothing about this apart from Jared Harris and his wonderful voice.
4/10 - Human Centipede 3 - for something so disgusting it is surprisingly boring.
4/10 - Another Country - Young!Colin Firth and Young!Rupert Everett fall in love with Young!Cary Elwes. Dull.
4/10 - Magic in the Moonlight - crappy Woody Allen film with a moody Colin Firth. I dont think he was acting.
4/10 - John Carter....OF MARS - dull dull dull. Nothing makes sense! DULL!
4/10 - St Trinians 2:The Legend of Frittons Gold - much the same as the first one but with more Tennant in a suit.
4/10 - Relative Values - cant remember watching this. Thats how good it was.
3/10 - Saw V / Saw VI - stabbity, slashy, stabbity, arghhhhhhhh, slashy, crushy, stabbity, ARRGGHHHHHHH. Boring.
3/10 - Young Victoria - probably historically accurate but it bored the arse off of me.
3/10 - Rock N Rolla - the film which made me break my 'never watch a Guy Ritchie film' rule. It looked pretty, with Idris Elba, Tom Hardy, Gerard Butler and Mark Strong, but the rest of it was just shit.
3/10 - Playmaker - the film that Colin Firth has disowned. He did very nearly get his cock out, which is something I guess.
3/10 - Love Actually - There is not enough fury in my body to explain how much I hated this. The 3 was for Firth, Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman. God bless them for at least trying, and I'm sure the pay check was good.
3/10 - Mamma Mia - the film which had me covering my eyes in horror. And I've seen enough gory grot to sink a ship. The music was good, you cant kill the music, but everything else was awful. Just AWFUL! How did this make money????
3/10 - Bridget Jones-Edge of Reason - hated it hated it hated it. HATED IT! Does not bode well for the third one.
2/10 - Jurassic Shark - good name, crap film. Not even good in a campy Sharknado sorta was. Just dreadful.