more jokes
I know, I know, I'll stop eventually. Although I might just lump them all in the same post after this one!
I get sent so many jokes you wouldn't believe (well, you might if you're the people sending them to me). Enjoy some of the more recent one.
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.....'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
This one should probably only be read by those with the same dodgy sense of humour!
Al Qaeda on Strike
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
How truee is this one?
The UK is in DEEP trouble...
The population of this country is approximately 60 million.
32 million are retired. That leaves 28 million to do the work..
There are 17 million in school or at Universities. Which leaves 11 million to do the work.
Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government. Leaving 3 million to do the work.
1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan. Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit. Leaving 512,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, Sitting on your arse, At your computer, reading jokes.
Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said.....
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'
To be fair, this one probably isn't just Lancashire lass'
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A LANCASHIRE LASS
The first man married a woman from Essex. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning...
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Sussex. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a lass from Lancashire. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washes, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
mewahahahaha
How true and scary this one is!
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland
I am so easily amused it's unreal!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.'
Oh good, that's cleared out my inbox now! Enjoy!
I get sent so many jokes you wouldn't believe (well, you might if you're the people sending them to me). Enjoy some of the more recent one.
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.....'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
This one should probably only be read by those with the same dodgy sense of humour!
Al Qaeda on Strike
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
How truee is this one?
The UK is in DEEP trouble...
The population of this country is approximately 60 million.
32 million are retired. That leaves 28 million to do the work..
There are 17 million in school or at Universities. Which leaves 11 million to do the work.
Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government. Leaving 3 million to do the work.
1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan. Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit. Leaving 512,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, Sitting on your arse, At your computer, reading jokes.
Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said.....
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'
To be fair, this one probably isn't just Lancashire lass'
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A LANCASHIRE LASS
The first man married a woman from Essex. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning...
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Sussex. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a lass from Lancashire. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washes, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
mewahahahaha
How true and scary this one is!
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland
I am so easily amused it's unreal!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.'
Oh good, that's cleared out my inbox now! Enjoy!