That's that...
I guess that's that.
Today goes down as another monumental event in my life. Something I honestly didn't think would happen. Karol finally paid off the last of the 3,000 he owed me. Oh but added he's going to have a daughter. I honestly can just laugh at this point. I reread the past posts over the last few years and I can 100% say I dodged a bullet. I said Congrats and take care. But inside, I'm thinking you are the biggest idiot and I can't believe with your finances and stupidity to bring a human life into this world. After everything we ever talked about and advice I gave him. He learned nothing, while I learned everything. It could have been me and thank god it's not. Thank god I am finally done with that piece of shit and can close that part of my life for good. Def more bad memories than good. I'll take the fact that I won't settle and deserve a better man and rather be single and motherless than ever involved with him. I blocked him and deleted all emails and most of the pics. Maybe I might delete them all cause his face makes me sick. I try to be the bigger person. I literally danced and shouted I'm free lots of times. But forgiving him is one thing, I'll never forget the pain and torture he put me through over the last 6 years. For that, I'll wish him the best, but I can never feel ok when I think of him. He is forever in my mind and heart the most disgusting person that's ever entered my life and will never change. I saw it coming a mile away. It was only a matter of time cause he doesn't think. He thought he was invincible. But thankfully, no longer my problem. 😎
Speaking of the guy front, well I wish I had better luck but online dating sucks. Meeting guys in bars sucks. I just don't get the ghosting or thinking that I'm just here to blow you. They make zero effort and it's so easy to just go date someone else with a swipe! I am seriously giving up on the male species. I just can't anymore with these guys. There is just no respect.
Career wise, I'm making a lot more money but it's the same bs. Bosses don't back you up, completely use you and abuse you, and coworkers make fun of you for just pretty much anything. I complain too much, I'm too white, I'm not strong enough, just always something. I just will never fit in and I'm tired of doing something that gives me zero purpose to wake up in the morning. I just tried so many other options and I'm lost. I'm frustrated. I don't know how much longer I can put up with it before I quit and start from scratch again. Just isn't fair.
Pretty much the only thing keeping me going is working out. It's been my new therapy. It's expensive but keeps me going 3-4 times a week and I can see a major difference from past pics 3 years ago. As much as I want to eat everything I know I can't and want to drop weight but right now I'm building muscle in hopes the weight will fall off later. I just want to be healthy and happy and it's my only outlet right now for my depression and anxiety.
Living in the city is amazing, I love having my family nearby and especially my brother. We've become closer and it's good I can talk to him and hang out. I've also have my girls, Amanda, Sarah, Lyssa and my new friend Joee. Been going to concerts and dinner and walking the beach and just enjoying the summer while it lasts.
I do have mixed emotions about everything and I don't think the struggle will ever stop. I am just trying to get by day by day. Trying to be positive but can't help it sometimes when I'm not. I can't result to drinking. I gotta stay strong mentally and physically. I still have hope but very slim. Well until next time, good riddance to the past!