next in line, pt. 2 - short story
Next In Line
Part 2 - seriously
by Nihilism
*Note that this has been rewritten. Much of it is the same but the whole, I think, is subtler than it was and in general more to my liking.
( it is a sacrifice he is willing to make. )
Part 2 - seriously
by Nihilism
*Note that this has been rewritten. Much of it is the same but the whole, I think, is subtler than it was and in general more to my liking.
( it is a sacrifice he is willing to make. )
Comments 4
That has to be my favorite line. I love how he dismisses it as something more normal straightaway, without even thinking what the squirmy gut could mean in regards to Leech. It definitely makes him seem more natural.
But then, towards the end, how he reacts to Leech touching his tattoo and massaging his neck, shows that he does feel something, he just doesn't know what said something is. Or doesn't want to know. Which, again, fits in pretty good with him being a teenager, and therefore confused pretty much all the time, anyway.
Damn, I wish I could write like you. ^_^
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Thank you. Natural is definitely what the revision was all about, so I'm glad it's working out. Confusion and teenagerness and all. I'm a little old to remember that sometimes, and I never was in a position quite like Kellen's, being so interminably a cock lover and all (but female.) I really appreciate your interest!
I don't really have any advice for writing. Kurt Vonnegut is better at that than I am, so here's his:
'Now lend me your ears. Here is Creative Writing 101:
1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things - reveal character or advance the action.
5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them - in order that the reader may see what they are made ( ... )
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It's definitely better this go around, and I think you made a good decision editing out the walk to the hotel. Like I said before, I think it'd be a fantastic flashback, or a memory, or even something that Leech and Kellen talk about later.
He felt wrong-footed, moreso than he can ever remember being before; felt at once diminished and blindingly illuminated by the spotlight that was Leech's eyes. Just what was illuminated by those first few wordless moments, he has not yet decided to inspect.
That is what I love about your writing. Right there. That's so good, because you're making it out to be that Kellen knows that there is something there, but he's deciding against finding out. Maybe he's scared, or maybe he's too lazy to look into it, but either way it's perfect.
The man's words echo in his mind, and more than the words, the low, gruff, whiskey-shot tone they were spoken in. It has to be the most intimate sound he's ever heard, even more so than Heroin by the Velvet Underground; scratched at ( ... )
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I'm glad you approve of the revision in general, since it was your prompting that made me realize, hey yeah, this is moving way too fast. And it isn't supposed to, but I was having trouble slowing it down, so, endless thanks!
And thanks for helping me with that bit today. You seriously don't realize how much help you are, with your suggestions and criticisms and such. Lots of people just give me the 'that's great' response and I'm like, yes, but how could it be BETTER? Oh well, at least they enjoy it. In any case, thanks, thanks, thanks. You are amazing.
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