Comments | iteatsblood: next in line pt 4

iteatsblood

next in line pt 4 - short story

Nov 07, 2008 11:35

Next In Line
By Nihilism

part 1 part 2 part 3

( After returning from the meeting with the junkie... )

kellen, leech, leech/kellen, original, short story

Comments 2

dharma_slut November 7 2008, 19:14:29 UTC

Oooh, there's some slashy undercurrents starting... They're going to make such a cute couple!

I see some edits, said the Ruthless Editor. I think you are trying to write a bit too linearly-- "After returning from the meeting with the junkie, Kellen departs Leech's company in the kitchen. for instance. I can see how "the meeting with the junkie" is a felicitous phrase ;) but you're only using it to signify a time schedule, if that makes sense-- You could use it to signify Leech's state of mind, instead.

And there are sentences you could simplify, as well; "Leech had, instead of following Kellen, stayed downstairs to quiz Nick... "

could become;

"Leech stayed downstairs to quiz Nick.." And tehn when he shakes himself out of his circular thoughts, have him "follow kellen at last."

About the length-- the length is excellent, IMO. One of those "just the right number of words" situations!

iteatsblood November 7 2008, 19:34:19 UTC

Yesss, I can see how some of that could look awkward. I've revised and added so much, recently, that I didn't really think about the things that were already written. Thank you for the suggestions, though! It's always helpful. I'm glad you're enjoying the tenshawn.