There's More Than One Way To Die - Dean/Cas Big Bang Part III of VI
And upwards...
Previous
...Ω...
That he hurt was his first thought upon waking.
Jagged shards of pain slicing their way through his head in a way that left him wincing and turning his face into the pillow beneath his head. It took him longer than he would have liked to realize that he could hear hushed whispers beside his bed and even longer to realize that his eyes were open but he couldn't see anything. Breath ragged as he struggled to keep from panicking he jumped as a hand came down on his shoulder with a gentle squeeze and he heard a familiar voice.
"Dean I think that you're panicking."
"No shit," he gasped as he lifted his hands and grimaced as he poked his eye with a shaking hand. "What're you doing here and what the Hell happened?"
"I was preparing to ask you the same questions." Cas' voice was calm and nearly emotionless as he spoke, something which unnerved him because it never meant good things when Cas reverted to the dicks with wings behavior. "When I arrived you were barely conscious and most of what you said didn't make much sense but the bits that did leave me to wonder what could have possessed you to undertake the Trials alone."
Swearing under his breath as he pressed his hands to his forehead with a bit more force than he'd intended Dean winced at the worsening headache. "You weren't supposed to know." He admitted wearily before his voice took on a sullen tone. "And it's not like you've got room to talk."
"I'm not human Dean. The Trials wouldn't affect me in the same way that they affect you."
"Look I knew what I was gettin' into okay? Gimme a break I just woke up with a killer headache man. Can’t you save the bitching for later?" Moving his hands to his sides he felt around the bed he was on until he found the edges and grasping hold of them, pushed himself up into a sitting position. Stiffening as Cas' hands rested on his shoulders to help keep him upright he relaxed when he realized that he was on a cot which meant that there was nothing to prop pillows against so that he could lean back. "How comfortable do you feel with driving?"
"Dean?"
"Gotta drive down to Mexico and I ain't exactly ready to drive."
"Why do-you mean to complete the second Trial." And there was pissy tone number one. Which meant that Cas was livid. Livid on the I-can't-believe-you're-this-stupid scale that the angel got when Dean did something spectacularly stupid or what he thought was stupid. Kind of like the levels of pissy Cas reached when he decided that agreeing to be Michael's vessel was a good idea. This had the potential to get ugly, he thought sourly.
"You've been unconscious for a week. A week where I prayed to my absent Father that you would somehow survive the first trial because I'm not skilled enough in human medicine to ensure your survival. I'm not a healer and yet I was forced to use the intravenous tubing that was still in the trunk of your car to connect you to a bag filled with saline in the hopes that you would recover because Samuel mentioned once that there was a need to replenish fluids after substantial blood loss. When your fever worsened I called Charlie who recommended that I give you the antibiotics and nutrients that I had also found because she said that if you had those items with you then you would have had sufficient reason to think that they'd be needed."
"You're giving me that look again aren't you?"
"What look?"
"The look, which if you were anyone else, would mean angry sex."
He felt Cas freeze behind him, his fingers digging into his shoulders before they loosened their grip and the angel let out a world weary sigh. "I believe that we would be better served by having this discussion in private so if you feel well enough to insist on traveling to Mexico then I believe that you are well enough for us to relocate to a hotel where you can continue to recover."
Flailing as the angel punctuated his sentence by sliding his arms neatly beneath Dean's knees and back before lifting him, covers and all from the cot his face was burning with embarrassment as he latched onto the front of the soft shirt that Cas was wearing. Dean swallowed against the nausea caused by the sudden movement and the dizziness making his head spin in a way that was doing anything but helping with the nausea. Waiting for the spinning in his head to subside he hissed, "I can walk. Just gimme an arm to hold on to and I'm golden. Cas? Put me down man."
"We've imposed upon the church long enough and there are several things that we need to discuss. It is easier for me to carry you to the car instead of waiting for you to stumble your way along before collapsing because you've been ill for the past week."
"I am not-."
"Brother James and Brother Jose are bringing your belongings so that we may leave. It's not advisable to stay here for any longer than we already have and I've got the proper documentation needed to obtain a hotel for the evening. Charlie informed me that she was able to provide me with sufficient proof of being Cas Vonnegut, who as your spouse, has access to both your financial and medical information."
"Oh well that's-she did what?" Dean asked in a flat tone as he struggled to keep pace with the information being given to him by Cas. "When the Hell did she do that? No better question, why the Hell did she do that?"
"I believe that she said that originally she had started creating it as a means of distraction but then later on she decided that it could prove to be beneficial if we ever found a need for it." The sonuvabitch was amused. He was amused! Dean fumed silently while Cas waited patiently with him in his arms for one of the priests to open his baby's door so that the angel could settle him into the passenger seat. "I have thanked her for her assistance as it was only because of her foresight that I was able to get here as quickly as I was."
Feeling his seatbelt click into place Dean gaped and wished he could see Cas so he could tell if he was being serious or not because his voice right now wasn't giving anything away. Why would he thank her? Charlie needed many things right now but thanks was not one of them. In fact, he could think of several things to tell Charlie and thanks wasn't even on the list because when he finally managed to speak with her he was going to let her know what he thought about her going around blabbing about something that he'd wanted to keep quiet as a last resort ace in his sleeve. The only reason he'd even told her about it was on the off chance that he needed to go to ground with Sam or Cas so that she'd know who to look for. Ranting to himself in the privacy of his thoughts he yawned as exhaustion took hold of him and left his head bobbing against the window as he tried to stay awake. Grumbling sleepily as Cas got into the car before leaning over him to tuck a pillow between his face and the window he rubbed his face against the pillow before falling asleep.
When he came to again he found himself lying on a much more comfortable bed than the cot he'd been on the last time he'd awoken. Stretching with a satisfied groan he felt along the smooth sheets he was lying on for the edge of the bed before flipping the covers off of him. Moving cautiously into a seated position he scooted over until he was seated on the very edge with his legs stretched out trying to feel for anything near the bed. Wincing as he stubbed his toe against the corner of what felt like the nightstand he reached out slowly for the nightstand and resting his palm against the flat surface pushed himself to his feet. Keeping his other hand on the bed for balance and direction he tried to walk and get a feel of the room before the door opening behind him startled him. Trying to spin in place to face the direction that the noise had come from, his feet became entangled in the comforter on the floor and he fell in a sprawl on the carpeted floor.
"Dean? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, you just," scared the crap out of me, he thought, "startled me. I wasn't expectin' the door to open and I ain't used to the whole blind thing yet so..." He waves his hand around like that should explain things and what was his life that Cas made a noise of understanding? He's pretty sure that somewhere between getting plucked out of Hell and Cas losing his Grace (again) that they've somehow developed their own language. That somehow doesn't actually require speaking for it to work. Either that or they're somehow always on the same wavelength and yeah, no. He's so not anywhere near awake enough to be thinking that kind of shit.
"You shouldn't be up yet." Cas murmured before one hand came to rest on his waist and the other on his arm and he was pulled up from the floor. Leaning into the warmth and stability offered by Cas' body for a moment Dean straightened and began moving away trying to free himself from the iron clad grip Cas had on him. "I'm only moving you back to the bed and it would be over with that much quicker if you would cease your unnecessary struggles."
"What the Hell man? I just got out of the damn thing and now you're trying to put me back?" Somehow, he thought, that he should have been prepared for Cas' nearly inaudible snarl before his feet were pulled out from under him as he was picked up and tossed onto the bed where he bounced before settling in amongst the twisted bedding. "This picking me up thing you got going on? It needs to stop. I'm blind not helpless."
"Yes you are blind. Perhaps we should discuss how this particular event came to be?"
"Why don't we just skip to the part where I tell you that it was my choice to make and you accept it and back the fuck off?"
"The Gates of Hell can only be sealed with the sacrifice of a life willingly given. These trials have already taken from your sight from you. What will it require from you in order to complete all three?" Cas' voice was raised and the hairs on the back of his neck were raised meaning that Cas was most likely glaring at him. "Did you at any point stop to consider the consequences of undertaking these Trials?"
Yeah. No. He was not gonna sit there quietly and get lectured on acting without asking for advice. "Do you know what'll happen if I don't? Take a look around would you? There aren't any fuckin' angels left or at least none we can count on. How long do you think it'll take for Hell to figure that one out huh?" His own voice was getting louder as he clenched his hands into fists at his sides as he pushed himself up into a sitting position on the bed. "Can't close Hell because I ain't lettin' Sam die so what am I supposed to do when I find out that I can do the damn Trials and fix it!"
"You mean fix it like giving Michael your assent would have fixed the apocalypse?" Face burning as he felt himself flush with anger Dean opened his mouth to respond only to close it again as Cas continued. "You say that the Trials will fix everything but how do you know it will?"
"Why is it that every time I do somethin' you don't like, you bring Michael up huh? You think I go lookin' for the shittiest options I can find?" Voice low and caustic he bit the words out and knew without having to see that Cas was going rigid with indignation. Michael was one of the things that had been left between them like the no man's land of things they never talked about. "I ain't gonna tell you that it's the best option I've ever had but I'll take being blind over sitting on my ass and wonderin' what would have happened if I'd just had the balls to say yes when she asked. Cause I thought about tellin' her no. I thought about gettin' up and walkin' out of the church but then I thought about Sam dyin' cause I was couldn’t do it. And I sure as Hell ain't about to let you stay human." He admitted with a weary tone as he gingerly lifted one hand to rub at the center of forehead where it was throbbing with the beginnings of a headache. "I'm not a coward, Cas."
"I hadn't realized that my present human state was a burden-"
"That's not what I said-"
"-and I'm sorry if-"
"-dammit Cas would you just listen to me? I ain't... look I ain't good with this chick flick shit but Zachariah showed me what you'd be like as a human and I am not lettin' that happen. You're an angel not human and you're not supposed to be."
"Zachariah?" Listening to Cas speak, his voice rife with incredulity, Dean flinched before he could stop it as Cas' weight settled on to the bed next to him. "Forgive me," the angel murmured with his breath brushing against his ear as he spoke, "I didn't mean to startle you."
Shivering at the feel of the moist breath on his ear he sagged as the fight suddenly left him. "You remember asking me what was so worth saving on Earth?"
"Yes."
"This is worth it Cas. You and Sam and Charlie. You're all worth it. Ask me a thousand times and the answer is always gonna be the same cause you're worth it. To me it's worth it." Licking his lips nervously as he tried to find the right words for the things that hadn't been said but maybe should have, he cursed himself as he felt his ears beginning to burn with embarrassment again. "Man I don't know where we went wrong. Used to be that all we ever did was talk after I got outta Hell cause for some reason you wouldn't let me roll over and get on with sleepin' without talkin' about it. Like you were the Dr. Phil of angels and back then you knew that I didn't give half a shit about you bein' human or angel." Taking a quick breath he focused for a moment on the fuzzy feeling that followed waking and had yet to go away even though he'd been up long enough for it to have gone away by now. "Did I take something?"
"You seemed as though you were in pain and when I woke you up at a gas station to offer some medicine to help the pain, you didn't need me to coax you into taking it. Afterwards you fell asleep again and slept through the remainder of yesterday, last night and most of today. I admit that I was concerned so I called Charlie and she told me that if you were still sleeping then it was because your body still needed the sleep." He wanted to grab a hold of Cas when the warmth pressed against his side left as Cas stood and then he could hear the rustling of paper bags before a round container of something was pressed into his hands. "She also recommended that I have food waiting for you to consume once you awoke. She gave me a list of appropriate foods that would be suitable for your consumption."
"This had better not be soup." He warned as he turned the container around in his hands reveling in the heat being leeched from it and into his still cold hands. "If I ain't eaten in a week then I want a cheeseburger. With bacon. And fries."
"She also asked me to tell you that as you have been sleeping for a week that your stomach needs to get used to food again which is why you get soup before attempting to eat what she called solid foods."
"I leave you alone with her for a few days and all of a sudden you listen to her more than you listen to me?"
"While I was purchasing your tomato soup I also noticed that the diner had several varieties of pie."
"If you tell me that you came back here without bringing me pie I swear I'll find a way to walk to the damn diner myself."
"The waitress assured me that you would be pleased with the apple pie which I will give you once we have ascertained that you are able to drink the soup without trouble. Charlie was very insistent on waiting as she stated numerous times that the severity of your illness would no doubt leave you weak and prone to bouts of nausea."
Fumbling with the lid of the container as his fingers finally found the edges he moved his hands carefully so that he was cupping the bottom in one hand and with the other tried to pull the lid off. Hissing as some of the still hot soup splashed over the edges and onto the soft pants he was wearing he adjusted his grip on the container before dipping his fingers in and bringing them to his mouth. The tangy flavors of the tomato soup hitting his tongue made him realize just how hungry he was but, "did you bring any pepper back with you?"
"There are some small packets here in the bag yes."
"Good. Gimme one-no, two of the packets in here."
Feeling Cas' warm hands pull the container away from him he listened intently the sounds of paper being torn open and then his hands were carefully wrapped around the container again. "You stirred it right?"
"Yes."
"Thanks man." Inching the fingers of one hand up the side of the container and over the edge to dip into the soup he used his fingers as a guide while he brought the soup up to his mouth and began to sip at it. Sitting in companionable silence as they ate, and he knew that Cas had a cheeseburger because he was blind but his nose still worked, he found himself wondering about the clothes he was wearing because they didn't feel like the pants that he remembered wearing before. Struggling to finish the soup he stopped once his stomach began to cramp uncomfortably and he brought the container down to rest on his legs. Holding it steady with one hand he rubbed the fabric of his pants between his fingers and realized that they were the pajama bottoms that he'd bought to use in the Batcave. "Hey Cas?"
"Hmm?"
"Why am I wearing clothes from home?"
"I brought them." Cas said simply and he just knew that the angel was giving him that look that screamed 'isn't it obvious?' and damn if it didn't annoy him just as much even though he couldn't see it. "Brother James was rather upset when he called and I was uncertain as to what you had with you. I hope you don't mind but I felt it best to borrow some of your clothes as mine were still in the washer."
"It's fine. I was just wondering about it." Offering a half smile he waited for Cas to finish eating so that he could put the unfinished cup of soup with the trash and minutes later heard Cas stand and ask him if he was finished before the cup was taken. Grimacing as he rubbed his hair and felt the unwashed strands he lifted his arm and took a hesitant sniff which he deeply regretted. "Which way is the bathroom? I smell like something died on me."
"Would you like help?"
"You gonna hold my dick while I piss too?" Silence followed his outburst and he forced his irritation down with difficulty before he felt that he could trust himself to speak again. "Look man, just make sure the shampoo and shit is where I can find it and I'll take care of it okay? This ain't going away anytime soon so the sooner I get used to it the easier it gets on all of us alright?"
Cas didn't answer but he didn't really expect him to either as he could hear the sounds of bags being unzipped and Cas' quiet footsteps moving away from him before the sound of the bathroom fan turning on covered up the noises. Sliding down off the bed again with his fingers trailing along it he shuffled along the floor before warm fingers grasped his hand and then slid up to cup his elbow. Keeping his other hand out to feel about the room as Cas led him to the bathroom he cursed softly as his fingers hit the door jamb and a painful throb spread its way up his hand. "Just hit my hand," he said when he felt Cas turn, "now tell me where you put everything so I can smell human again."
"The shampoo and soap are both here on the ledge and the towels are up here hanging next to your change of clothes." Cas said moving his hand to feel where the items were situated before giving his hand a squeeze just on the wrong side of too hard and then he was alone in the bathroom with only the noises of the fan to keep him company. Stretching his hands out in attempt to figure out the layout of the bathroom he took several moments to become comfortable with it before he undressed and stubbed his toe trying to get into the bathtub. Fingers closing around the shower curtain and following it up until he reached the curtain rod he tugged on the curtain until it moved over and he was at least reasonably certain that the water wouldn't end up on the floor instead of in the tub like it should. Turning to splay his hand against the tile of the shower wall he moved gingerly to his right and let out a relieved sigh when his fingers brushed the cold metal of the faucets handle and he stumbled forward to brace his hand against the wall over the faucet.
Fingers closing around the handle he twisted it to the left experimentally and was rewarded by a steady stream of cold water flowing from the faucet over his feet. Shivering as the water left him chilled he bent down with a hissed curse as his head bumped the wall and he scooted back before bending again to feel around for the plug he needed to pull to turn the shower head on. Fingers sliding over the slick metal he frowned and tugged the handle of the faucet out only to splutter as the showerhead turned on and he was rewarded with a spray of cold water to the face. Ducking his head down and fumbling with the handle he braced his hands against the wall and let the slowly warming water fall over him and chase away the chill that seemed to have settled in his bones. As the water turned hot he moved to stand fully beneath the water's spray and tilted his face up into it before bending and searched for the bar of soap with slow, careful movements.
Gripping it tightly in his hand he quickly cleaned himself before setting it back down and trying to grab for the bottle of shampoo. Huffing as he heard the bar of soap slide off of the ledge and into the tub he crouched down and felt around for it on the floor of the tub with outstretched hands before finding it and settling it back onto the ledge. Moving his hands further along the ledge he let out a soft noise of victory as the back of his hand brushed against the bottle of shampoo. Curling his fingers around the bottle he pressed down on the top to open it and squirted what he hoped was a small amount into his hand before closing it and settling the bottle back down. Rising from his crouch to begin rubbing the shampoo into his hair he stepped away from the water's spray until he felt that it had lathered well enough and stepped back under the water.
Staying under the water long after the shampoo had been rinsed out he leaned against the tiled wall with a slight hiss of discomfort from the coolness touching his bare skin. Rubbing at his face wearily he became lost in thought as the unsettling realities of the Trial set in. He'd told Cas that he'd do the Trial again if offered the chance and he meant it. He really did. The only thing was that he hadn't been prepared for how dependent his blindness would make him. He'd known that he'd need help but it was disturbing to realize just how much help he'd need. Beyond that realization was the terror bubbling under his skin at staying in a world filled with a darkness that seemed to press in on him from all sides. Unbidden a sob broke past his lips as he brought his trembling hands to press against his wet hair as he sank to his knees and struggled against the urge to panic.
People talked about the darkness like they knew what it meant. Like they knew what it was like to be kept in a never ending darkness. A darkness that couldn't be chased away once you opened your eyes because there wasn't a difference between having your eyes opened or closed. It wasn't the darkness of night where you could still pick out shapes once your eyes had adjusted to the dim light that flooded the room. It was nothing. There was nothing and he wouldn't be able to wake up and tell from the amount of light in the room what time of day it was without needing to glance over at the clock. There wouldn't be any more nights where he picked up the car keys and slid into his car to go driving off for a bit just to think when everything got to be too much and he needed to sort out the thoughts in his head before they made him crazy. He couldn't wait until everyone had fallen asleep to pick up his laptop and start answering the emails he got for work as Uri Vonnegut and what did it say about his life that the thought of being unable to relax while doing research is what left him curling into himself with a whimper that he'd deny until he died?
He was a big enough man to admit that it terrified him. It terrified him because he didn't know how to be the one that needed help anymore or at least not like this. He hadn't known how to do that since he was ten and faced with the terrifying prospect of taking care of Sammy completely on his own because Magdalena couldn't watch over them anymore. Dying he could deal with because it would be over pretty quickly and wouldn't be this lingering thing that would wear on everyone like his being blind would. He wanted to be angry. The grit your teeth and bite your tongue until it bled because you were just so angry and you wanted to shout just because you could kind of angry. He wanted... he really just wanted to storm off to find the nearest bar and drink himself into forgetting...
But he couldn't.
Not because he was blind. No he was pretty sure he could somehow manage to find himself a bar even while blind. He couldn't because he knew Cas well enough to know that the angel would somehow make his decision to take the Trials his fault and he couldn't do that. He still remembered earnest blue eyes darkened with a grief so strong that the sharp edges left his friend torn apart inside and a rough voice talking about suicide like that was honestly a fucking option. Slumping tiredly he wondered not for the first time and probably not for the last either, what he was supposed to do. He was pissed, beyond pissed if he was trying to be honest but he couldn't do anything about that because Cas would take it. He'd take it like he deserved it when he didn't because he deserved so much better than anything that Dean could offer. So he'd have to find some way to let go of it because he wasn't-he'd fucked up enough shit irreparably without adding Cas to that list. Staying under the water until it began to run cold he shivered and with a sigh stood and turned to shut the water off.
Feeling the cold air hit him as he brushed aside the shower curtain he took a deep breath to steady himself when he heard the almost silent sound of either his clothes or the towel falling onto the floor. Lifting his hand to feel along the shower rod his hands eventually brushed against the rough material of the hotel towel. "Really?" He muttered as he pulled the towel down for it to hit him in the face. Drying himself quickly he left the towel in a wet heap on the floor of the tub and bracing one hand against the edge of the tub he stepped out and knelt to sweep his hands out in an attempt to find the clothing that had fallen. Hand outstretched as he gathered the clothes up he relaxed as he found the wall with his fingertips and pressed his palm flat against it as he stood. Searching through the clothes until he found his underwear he tucked the rest under his arm and ran his fingertips over the seams to try and figure out if he had them right side out before sliding them down to step into them.
Putting the sleep pants on was easier in that the drawstring was on the outside but the shirt was a bit trickier in that it was a tag less one and he was forced to run his hands over the neckline until he found the small patch that was just slightly rougher than the remainder of it. Shrugging the shirt on he knelt back and feeling along the floor he found a pair of socks with a relieved sigh. Sitting down to tug them on he reveled in the feeling of warmth still left from his shower before he pushed himself to his feet and shuffled in the direction of the door feeling irrationally proud when he managed to avoid hitting anything. Hands pressed against the door he took a deep breath before letting it out and knocked on the door before he could lose his nerve.
"Dean?"
Hearing the concern in Cas' voice as the angel stood on the other side of the door served to firm his resolve and he took a few steps back. "Yeah uh... I'm finished and I'm kinda exhausted. Mind helping me back to the bed?"
...Ω...
Sorting through the dirty clothes as quietly as possible Cas looked up to check on a still sleeping Dean. Since the first night in the hotel nearly three days past the man had been quiet and visibly struggling to keep his temper in check. It worried him because it wasn't like Dean to remain silent when there was something obviously bothering him. He worried but he didn't say anything. Maybe he should have said something when the second day of silence had turned into a third but he found himself oddly reluctant to do so. They'd reached a tenuous sort of peace that had been lacking from their interactions as of late and he... he didn't want to lose that. So he let Dean stay silent and aloof while still asking for help and he did his part to help Dean keep the pretense that nothing had changed even though it had. He busied himself during the day when the man was awake and fighting the siren call of sleep to help avoid unnecessary conversation and clamped down on the urges to draw the man into talking about what was bothering him as he'd done so many times in the past. Thus far, they'd only spoken about the food available from the local restaurants and even he was aware that that wasn't really what anyone could call conversation.
Sighing as his eyes roamed over the face that was still far too pale and thin for his liking he dropped the clothes he was sorting when he realized that Dean was pulling the covers in closer to himself. Crossing the room and pulling the blanket from his bed he turned and draped it carefully over Dean. Returning to the laundry he made a face as he noticed that the amount of clean clothing was nearly nonexistent and the majority of it for some reason was sleepwear that he'd absentmindedly packed before leaving Kansas. Staring down at it he wondered what they were going to do about clothing as Dean was still oddly insistent about traveling to Mexico as soon as he was well enough to make the journey.
"Cas?" Head snapping up he blanched as he looked at the clock which was showing that it was now six in the evening and he had yet to acquire anything for dinner. "Cas?"
"I'm here Dean," he answered quietly as he picked the clothes up off the floor and piled them onto his bed so that the floor was free of anything that could trip Dean. "I lost track of time sorting through our clothing to see what we still had clean so I haven't gone out yet to get anything for dinner. Do you have any particular requests?"
Looking up at Dean he was both grateful and sad that Dean couldn't see him frown at the sight of those blank green eyes staring aimlessly before they were shuttered by eyelids as the man yawned widely. "I want a cheeseburger. And pie. Dude I swear I'm gonna die if I have to keep drinking soup."
"Charlie has stated on several occasions that it is better for you to have soup instead of something with a substantial amount of grease that will no doubt make you ill again."
"Dude she googled it so it's not exactly medical advice coming from a doctor."
"Perhaps but I think it best to follow said advice even if it isn't from a doctor because she hasn't been wrong yet." Cas retorted his chest swelling with hope as Dean seemed happier and more inclined towards holding an actual conversation than he'd been during the past three days. "I'll also bring back pie as it seems that if nothing else you are able to eat that without vomiting."
"Yeah yeah just make sure you bring back some pecan this time okay?" Dean said waving off Cas' concerns as he pushed the covers aside and stood with minimal difficulty. "Now I gotta pee so if you could move me along to the bathroom?"
The evening passed much the same as it had the other nights. They ate without talking with only the sound of the TV in the background to break the silence. He was gathering the trash to throw when he froze as Dean spoke up. "So I don't know how much Charlie told you about Uri but I should tell you that I was gonna tell you and Sam. When everything settled down and it was safe."
"She didn't say much only that it was an identity that you'd built for yourself and that it was one you've had for quite some time."
"You know how things were with my dad... he didn't see a point to school especially since I wasn't the smart one. Way he saw it we were hunters and that meant more than any fancy diploma." Dean said quietly his eyes closed as he lay on the bed with his arms tucked neatly beneath his head as he hoped that he was doing the right thing in telling Cas about everything that had led to his decision to create and hide Uri from nearly everyone. Yawning widely he figured it probably didn't matter because it wasn't like the angel liked his dad. "One of my teachers in my freshman year at high school called dad to say that I'd be better off in accelerated classes or maybe even skipping a grade or two cause I was bored. We were at Bobby's for a few months when she called and man he was pissed like you wouldn't believe. Everyone knew that Sam was the smart one and he didn't need me bringing even more attention. I think it was the first time Bobby threatened to shoot dad and he ended up kicking dad out of the house to go on his hunt and kept Sammy and I for a while."
"Dean," Cas said slowly as he sat down in one of the chairs surrounding the small hotel table with the feeling that it was for the best that he wasn't allowed to access Heaven at the moment because John Winchester had obviously neither deserved nor appreciated the child he'd been blessed with. "You should not feel obligated to tell me this."
"And what if I want to? There's only one person not counting you that knows I'm Uri Vonnegut. Figure if she knows the whole story then you should get it too."
"If you want to talk about it then you should know by now that I'll listen."
A fleeting smile touched Dean's lips before it fell away to be replaced with a frown that creased his entire face with unhappiness. "Bobby was the one who came up with the idea to make a new life. Said I was young enough to slip into the system without anyone noticing an extra fourteen year old and that if dad wasn't gonna do right by me then he was. I picked Vonnegut for my last name because I was still a kid and thought that it was the coolest name ever. Bobby was the name who gave me my first name. Said it was something he needed to give me."
"Do you know what Uri means?" Receiving a shake of the head in response Cas stood and crossed the small distance between the chair and the bed to sit next to Dean. "It means my light or my flame. Another meaning is God is my light but I believe Bobby gave it to you with the first meaning in mind."
"Sonuvabitch that's why Karen kept calling me sunshine when I was alone with her. Bobby musta told her where I went to school too cause she kept talking 'bout how red was a good color for me."
"Why is that color significant?"
"Cause my alma mater is Indiana and the colors are red and white. It's where I did my undergrad and grad work after I finished high school. Bobby got me through home school and before I finished made me take the ACT and SAT cause he said he was gonna be damned if I finished school early and didn't go to college." Dean's smile was bittersweet and made Cas ache to look at it. Reaching out before he could stop himself he wrapped his hand around Dean's arm to squeeze it. "Told me he wasn't my dad but he wasn’t gonna let me miss out and then after I got my scores back I thought he was gonna wake Sammy up with the way he was going on. I'd been doing work with the Boy Scouts while I was with Bobby so it looked good on the admissions papers and ended up applying to Indiana cause they've got a folklore and mythology program. After some trouble with one of Sammy's teachers askin' questions 'bout dad and where he was, Bobby talked him into letting us stay with him to avoid the questions. Made school easier because I was in one place and I didn't have to call Bobby to see about the mail sent from the school."
"You never told Sam?"
"Nah I love Sammy but if I'd have told him then dad would have heard about it and he woulda made me stop. I was still working on my undergrad when the arguments about school started and Sam would have used it against dad as a reason why school wasn't a bad thing." Moving his arms from beneath his head Dean sat up and pulled his green Henley down from where it had ridden up and a few inches of pale skin was visible between the shirt and pajama bottoms he was wearing. "Bobby watched me walk the line and I swear he used up three rolls of film and kept them sayin' that he'd give them to dad when he got around to pulling his head out of his ass. But then dad split after Sammy left and Bobby started covering for me sayin' that I was going on hunts for him so I could get my masters." Dean laughed as he remembered all of the times that he’d fallen asleep in the library after pulling an all-nighter so he could get a salt and burn done. "Man paid for the stuff that the scholarships wouldn't cover and wouldn't let me take out any student loans. Said Karen woulda kicked his ass if he didn't and so long as I was doing good then I needed to shut up and accept it."
Cas stayed silent after Dean finished speaking unsure if he wanted to ask the question burning in his mind. He'd known, in much the same way that one knows the sky is blue, that Dean had been the one to raise Samuel as John Winchester was at best neglectful but... knowing what he knew now he wondered how it was that Dean had even managed to step away from the life that his father had intended for him. He knew from comments made by Dean and even Sam, that Dean had been raised to be his brother's protector. Protectors didn't need an education or another life setup as an escape in case the need to hide ever arose. "You've done well for yourself. Charlie said that the money we're using to rent the hotel room is coming directly from the accounts you've set up as Uri."
"Turns out that writing books and going around as a guest lecturer even if it's just online tends you get you noticed and after awhile people started paying me to do consultation work for the books they were writing. Needed someone to check their mythology and bring up things they didn't know or hadn't thought about." Dean's eyes opened in a reflexive movement as he bolted upright. "Which reminds me I need you to turn on my laptop and check my email for me cause I haven't had a chance to check it in a couple of weeks and sometimes they send me time sensitive shit."
Accepting the subject change for what was Cas slipped off the bed to dig through one of the bags that had been in the trunk of Dean's car. Feeling the hard edges of the laptop he pulled it out and moved back to sit on the bed next to Dean. "How do I turn it on?"
"Okay so look on the side for a button that looks like a circle with a line coming out of the bottom middle and press down on it until it lights up. Then let me know when the user screen comes up."
Settling the laptop comfortably on his legs as he waited through the start up process he tilted his head to study Dean's face. He'd been awake for three hours and since eating had regained a small amount of color in his cheeks though it was only enough to reassure him that Dean was getting better. Eventually he knew that he would have to acquiesce to Dean's numerous requests to travel to Mexico so that the second of the Trials could be completed but he was loathe to do so while the man spent more hours asleep than he did awake. Although he knew that the longer they delayed their travel left a higher probability that someone would discover what exactly it was that Dean was setting out to do. "The screen is now on display."
"Good so go ahead and click on admin and when it prompts for a password put nemeton with a capital n. You remember how to connect to the Wi-Fi right?"
"Yes."
"Good lemme know when it's done."
"It now shows as connected." Cas said as he closed the Wi-Fi window and turned his head to look at Dean expectantly. "Should I open a browser window?"
"Yeah bring up mail dot yahoo dot com." Dean waited for Cas to say that the page was open before continuing. "User name is Uri dot Vonnegut at and make sure you use the symbol at, it's shift and two, yahoo dot com. Password is capital d four two two nine capital s then the star symbol five two."
"You have thirty two unread emails."
"Check the subject line to see if any are marked urgent."
"There are five."
"Alright we'll start with those."
...Ω...
Next