There's More Than One Way To Die - Dean/Cas Big Bang Part IV of VI

[ithilas64]

Almost Done...
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...Ω...

"Tell her I'm asleep!"  Dean hissed as he huddled beneath the blankets on the bed in a vain attempt to avoid the conversation he knew needed to happen even if he'd like to avoid it. For the next decade or so if could be arranged.  "Cas..."

"He's awake Charlie.  Would you like to speak with him?"

"Y'know that asking you to tell someone that I'm asleep doesn't mean I want to talk-."

"Dean?"

"Charlie!  You're on speakerphone cause Cas is a traitor."  He finished under his breath as he sat up and pushed away the blankets.  "Everyone and everything still in one piece?"

"You didn't tell me that you were going to New Mexico so you could blind yourself.  Nope cause you said you needed to go talk to someone down there."  Charlie's voice was nonchalant but held enough venom beneath the surface to make Dean wince.  "And then I've got Cas calling me to ask about your fever, if you were sleeping too much and what to feed you.  Did you know that he said you were doing better a week ago?  One.  Month.  One month Dean.  Three weeks after you left telling me to go pick up Cas cause he was stranded in Pennsylvania and then I have to find out secondhand that you got yourself blinded!"

"I had to do it.  Sam ain't got the time for us to sit around and try to find another option."

"You're blind!  And what's even worse is that you were down there alone."  Voice going shrill before cutting off abruptly as Charlie's breath audibly hitched Dean froze as she continued speaking in a strained voice.  "You said I wasn't alone anymore.  Doesn't that kinda go both ways?  You can't-you can't just go running off to do things like that and expect people to be copacetic about it."

"Charlie-."

Charlie cut him off with a breathy laugh that made him cringe to hear.  "No you don't get to talk yet.  Nope nope nope.  Cause now Cas is telling me that you wanna go to Mexico and he wants to know the best way to get to some Popo church.  Did going blind make you lose your common sense?"

"It's nothing I wouldn't do if it were you in Sam's place."

"Dean."

"Someone was gonna have to do this.  If I wouldn’t do it then how the Hell could I ask someone else to do it?"  Dean asked as he sat up and rubbed at his eyes to get rid of the crusty feeling he was left with after waking.  "You know I don't have much in the way of family left.  I can't let him die when I can do something to stop it."

"That's not fair.  You can't just say something like that when I'm trying to be mad at you."

"Yeah well Cas beat you to the lecture."

"Dean?"  Charlie's voice was hushed and wavering.  "What's gonna happen if you finish this?"

"How much do you know about the Trinity?  And I don't mean the crap about the Holy Spirit.  I mean, the scriptures no one ever talks about."

"You are referring to God, The Word and Wisdom."  Cas interjected as he moved closer to Dean with an unreadable look in his eyes as he watched Dean searching the bed for something.  "How did you learn of it?"

Dean felt around the mattress for the laptop he'd fallen asleep with and finally picked it up with a triumphant sound.  "People send me copies of manuscripts to look over and sometimes they send me things that were hidden away for a reason.  I sent out word that I was looking for religious manuscripts just after you got me out of Hell.  Do enough favors for people and they'll come through for you when you need it.  Found an old manuscript hidden in a bunch of junk that was sent and I'd just finished translating it before Metatron decided to be King Dick.  Shit goes that Wisdom is called Sophia and is the second part of the Trinity.  Below God and above The Word that's supposed to speak for God."

"So Metatron was a part of the Trinity?"  Voice laden with doubt Charlie's voice crackled through the speakerphone.  "But who was Wisdom then?"

"Lucifer."  Cas answered somberly as he took the laptop Dean was handing him and set in on the table behind him.  "Before his fall Lucifer was Wisdom but the first Trinity was broken with his fall. It remained broken until my Father elevated his mortal Son and Mary of Magdala.  They were the last Trinity and held until his Son left his position leaving the Trinity broken once more.  They were the last to form the Trinity."

"Why do I feel like I'm totally not gonna like the reasons for this being important?"

"Because he's going to make a third one.  That's what the Trials are for.  To see if the dumbass doing it can actually do without fucking it all up and without doing it for all of the wrong reasons."  His answer was calmer than it had any right being.  Pressing his hands against the bed Dean scooted up so that his back was pressed against the wall at the head of the bed. "She said that Wisdom was God's Judgment and that judgment was blind.  So to answer the question, I don't think it's gonna kill me in the way you're thinking."

"Dean!"

"You'll be a servant of God if you choose to continue doing the Trials."

Dean was silent for long moments his face inscrutable as he gathered the right words in his mind because his family deserved the most truthful answer he could give them.  "There're people out there.  Families like mine that don't know anything 'bout demons or how fucked we all are because there ain't anywhere near enough hunters to stop the demons when they figure out Heaven isn't exactly around anymore."

"It's not your fault."

"I'm one person, Charlie.  One person outta billions who knows what's out there and knows how to stop it.  He didn't order me to do it.  He gave me the choice.  He asked me what I'd be willing to sacrifice to save Sam and Cas."  Tilting his head up to lean against the wall Dean pulled absently at a loose thread from the cuff of his shirt sleeve.  Grey shirt wrinkled from sleep and pants rising up to show a blue sock on his right foot and a black sock on the left, his face was set with a determined scowl.  "I said there wasn't anything that I wouldn't do cause there isn’t. I ain't doing this hurt you but if I don't do this then how many people end up with broken families or memories from a demon that made them kill their family cause it was fun?  There's a bigger picture here.  Needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or one in this case."

Charlie's laugh was watery and caused a look of pain to flash across Dean's face.  "Quoting Spock doesn't make this okay.  Especially cause Spock died in that movie and dying isn't just physical.  If this kills who you are then you're dead because calling someone Dean doesn't make them you"

"I'm dead if I don't do this.  Dammit I'm good at what I do but how long before I end up in a fight I can't win?  How long before the demons decide that taking me and the other hunters out needs to be their priority?  There're things in Hell that shouldn't ever be topside but will cause the angels ain't gonna be around to remind them why it's a bad idea.  Hunters are good at what they do but it doesn't matter how good you are if numbers aren't on your side."

"Please don't do this.”  Voice low and pleading Charlie’s voice cracked as she spoke.  “You said I wasn't alone anymore.  That you'd stay.

"You've gotta let me do this."

"It's not fair.  You know Sam keeps asking me where you and Cas have run off too.  I can't keep lying to him.  You've been gone a month.  He knows something's up and every time I bring him books or food he's always asking if I've heard from you."

"Don't tell him anything.  He doesn't need to know."

"Doesn't he?  He's your brother.  Doesn't he deserve to know that you're doing something completely insane?"

"It's not insane if it works."

"Yeah but that's what scares me.  What happens after it works?"

At a loss for words Dean stayed silent and ignored Charlie’s insistence that he give her an answer.  Eventually she stopped and he heard Cas take the phone off of speaker before continuing to speak with Charlie in a hushed tone.  Moving down on the bed he turned so that his back was to Cas and tugged the tangled mess of sheets and blankets back over himself while waiting for the phone call to end.  Closing his eyes and forcing his breathing to slow and even as though he were sleeping he determinedly kept from moving as Cas sat on the edge of the bed as the call ended.  He couldn't see but he knew the angel was twisted back to look at him with his hands resting in his lap and that look that he always got when he wanted to say something that he knew Dean didn't want to hear.  "Charlie made several valid points. Points which I don't believe you gave the consideration they ought to have received.  Dean I know that you're not asleep because even you can't fall asleep so quickly."

"What do you want me to say?  That I won't do it?  That I'll stand back and let other people clean up this mess?  Cas we started this and we've gotta be the ones to finish it."  Dean replied his voice muffled by the blankets as he burrowed into them.  "Besides it’s not like she didn't give me a chance to back out cause she did.  I had the choice and I made it."

"And what if it is the wrong one?"

"For who?  Me or everyone else?"

"Dean you've seen what the Trials of Hell did to Sam.  Have you thought about what the Trials of Heaven could do to you?"

"I did," came the soft reply, "and then I decided that whatever happened it was worth it."

"You could die."

"Already done that just need the shirt to prove it."

Cas gave a heavy sigh in response to his flippancy.  "This decision affects more lives than just your own.  I worry that you fail to understand the potential consequences that could arise from such actions."

"Yeah see you can't use that argument without being a hypocrite man.  You ditched me in Purgatory because you thought it was for the best and that affected more than just you."  Dean snapped, his temper fraying as the angel's words brought memories rushing back.  Memories that were better left buried where he couldn't dwell on the betrayal that still coursed through his veins like poison.  "I don't remember you stopping to have a chat about whether that was what was best for us cause it wasn't just you that was stuck wandering around in Purgatory with monsters out for your head."

"Dean it was-."

"If the next words that come out of your mouth are 'for the best' I swear I'm gonna have some words of my own that you ain't gonna like."

"Regardless of how you may feel I acted in what I believed to be your best interests."

"No!  No you did what you did the way that you did because you knew that there was no way in Hell I was gonna let you go runnin' 'round Purgatory by yourself with the Leviathans on your ass."  Sitting up as he snarled the words Dean felt his face begin to burn with the telltale flush of anger.  He'd held into the anger for so long and so closely that it seemed to always simmer beneath the surface and now it was erupting with no chance of stopping it.  "You were there cause I asked you to come with me when we went after Roman and I thought that meant we'd have each other’s backs.  Instead I spent a year trackin' you and terrorizin’ every goddamn monster in there for information."

"I was the reason you were forced to go to Roman in the first place."  Cas retorted his voice starting to take on sharp edges.  "It was my recklessness that caused the Leviathans to be freed in the first place.  I could not allow you to atone for my sins."

"it wasn't your choice to make!  We were sent there together!  Doesn't that tell you something?"

"Only that you were once again caught up in a punishment that should not have been yours."

"It.  Wasn't.  Your.  Fault."  Dean ground the words out as he clenched his hands into tight fists around the blankets still covering him.  "You didn't make me go after Roman and you sure as Hell didn't set it up so that we'd end up in Purgatory.   Why can't you let this shit go?  Why do you always gotta play the martyr?"

"I don't expect you to understand how it feels to see blood on your hands and know it belongs to your brothers and sisters who are now dead because of you."  Feeling the movement of the bed as Cas stood Dean rubbed a hand roughly through his hair as Cas continued.  "You were right when you said that I had made the wrong choice.  Only I was so sure of my own righteousness that I neglected to listen to you."

"So is this some sort of atonement for your sins crap?"  Sneering as he flung the covers back to swing his legs over the edge of the bed Dean sat there with his hands holding onto the edge of the mattress. "Look after the only one crazy enough to do the Trials and maybe daddy will forgive you?"

"No!"

"Then what the Hell is it?"  Dean barked, ignoring the incredulous tone that Cas' voice had taken as the anger swirled inside of him.  "You keep talking about atoning like it's the only thing you're living for!  So if this isn't some twisted kind of atonement for your supposed sins then why the Hell did you come for me?  Why the Hell are you still here?"

"Because you needed me!"  Cas shouted back, his anger shocking Dean into silence as the angel paced around the small confines of the hotel room.  "You have always taken precedence over my duties to Heaven.   He said-Brother James said that you refused to be taken to a hospital and insisted instead that they call me.  Was I supposed to ignore that?  Was I supposed to stay in Kansas and leave your care to strangers?  Because even if they are sworn to the service of my Father I don't know them and I couldn't trust them.  Not with something-not with you."

Taken aback by Cas' vehemence Dean could only say quietly, "you've ignored me before."

"I had no choice!  Answering your prayers in Purgatory would have meant your death because my powers had weakened to the point where I was only just able to keep myself one step ahead of the Leviathans and the monsters eager to collect the bounty on my head."

"If you won't risk my life then why the fuck won't you understand that me doing the Trials is because I won't risk yours?"  Leaning forward to rest his arms on his knees Dean scrubbed at his face wearily as exhaustion began to take its toll on his still recovering body.  "When I found out about the Trials I didn't know where you were.  All I knew was that doing them would fix Sammy and give you back your Grace. You've been tortured, turned human, Fallen and it was all because I asked you to choose m-Earth over Heaven and for some reason you did.  You did it and all it's ever brought you is trouble.   We ain't got any other choices here Cas.  This is it.  This is the last chance we’ve got to keep from fuckin’ it all up."

"This should not be your responsibility."

Dean snorted, "you, Sammy, Charlie and Kevin are my responsibility.  Just like I'm yours.  It's kinda what bein' family means Cas.  You get pissed, scream and kick the shit out of each other but when it comes down to it you know they'll always have your back.  I can't do this if you don't have my back Cas.  It's only gonna get worse from here on out."

"If this is what you are determined to do then as always I will follow you.  No matter where you lead us."

"Good good.  So uh... when can we leave?"

"I think that you've recovered as much as you ever will from the Trial but there is a small situation that we need to fix about our clothing."

"What about our clothes?"

"They're dirty."

"I know you paid for a good hotel cause these shits ain’t from Motel 6.  Just stuff the dirty clothes in one of the plastic bags in the closet and the maids will take of it."

"Then I believe we will be able to leave in two days time."

"Awesome," Dean said as he flopped back onto the bed with his arms spread out.  "Wake me up when it's time to eat?"

"Sleep Dean.  I will wake you once I have returned with food."

...Ω...

"My collar doesn't feel straight."

"I assure you that it is."

"You sure cause it really feels crooked."

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"We're here and also for the forty seventh time, your collar is straight.  There are no wrinkles on your clothes nor are there any unsightly pieces of lint or hair."  Cas said patiently as he put the car into park and turned it off before pulling the keys from the ignition and slipping them into the pocket of the khaki pants he wearing.  Opening the car door and stepping out, he took a moment to straighten the blue dress shirt that had been purchased along with his pants and shoes once Dean had been made aware that only casual clothes had been packed.  Shuddering at the reminder that Dean had taken him into a store before throwing him to the not so tender mercies of a store associate he closed the car door and walked around it to help Dean out of the car.  "The church appears to be closed."

"Yeah it was like that with the other one.  It’s kinda hard to do what I need to do if there're people inside."  Dean replied absently his brow furrowed in concentration as he held tightly to Cas' arm as the angel led him to the church doors.  "You'll be there with me right?"

"So long as you wish for me to be there yes."

Waiting outside of the church doors Dean squeezed the arm he was holding.  "You kinda need to knock so they know we're here."

"Oh."  Grateful that Dean couldn't see the color warming his cheeks Cas lifted his arm and knocked twice on the heavy wooden doors.  "You are certain that they are expecting us?"

"The other ones were."

Opening his mouth to reply Cas closed it as the doors opened to reveal an elderly priest with unruly white hair and tired brown eyes that widened upon seeing them or more specifically the fidgeting man standing beside him.  Ignoring the pain of Dean's blunt nails digging into his arm Cas moved so that he was standing between Dean and the elderly man.  Tilting his head in greeting he was rewarded with the feeling of Dean relaxing behind him.  "My companion isn't feeling well.  Is it possible that we may enter the church so that he may sit before commencing his task?"

"Ah!  Forgive me!  Where are my manners?"  The priest exclaimed an expression of mortification on his face as he spoke.  "Please come in come in!  We have been awaiting his arrival for several weeks now. We were worried that perhaps something had happened."  Continuing to speak as he lead the pair into the church before closing the doors behind them the priest turned to face them while rubbing his hands on the thighs of his simple black linen pants in a nervous movement.  "The parish has been most upset about our closing during the week but we are good servants of Our Lord and so we have done as he requested and kept the church open only on Sundays for mass."

"We thank you for your consideration."  Cas said as he helped Dean to sit down on one of the wooden pews.   "While he is resting I would appreciate it if you could take me to the walls.  The wards will need to be activated before he can begin."

"Oh of course!  Please follow me and we will leave your companion to rest."

"Would you like some water before I leave?"

"Dude," pushing at the angel crouching in front of him Dean smiled, "just go get the wards up so I can get this shit taken care of."

"Very well.  I'll return once everything is complete."

Waiting until he heard the sound of the doors swinging closed Dean stretched his hand out to curl around the back edge of the pew in front of him.  The wood felt polished beneath his hands as he used it to lever himself up and then as a guide into the aisle.  Fingertips gliding from one pew to another with only a few stumbles as his feet scraped against the floor he stopped when he reached the end of the pews.  Stepping forward cautiously he felt around the floor in front of him with his feet before taking another step until he finally hit the edge of the altar.  Lowering himself to his knees he scooted forward until only his feet were hanging over the edge of the altar.  "Well here goes nothing."

Reaching into his pocket for the rosary that he'd insisted Cas include with his clothes Dean twined it around his hand before bringing his hands together in front of him.  Bowing his head he licked his lips nervously before taking a deep breath and, "similiter quae ante triduum luminaria sunt rationes Trinitatis. Deus, quod Suus Vox, quod Suus Sapientia. Est et quartuum genus hominem, quisnam postulo lux, ut Deus sit, Verbum, et Sapientia et hominem."

"I was worried that you would not come."  Feeling small and cool hands cup his face he leaned into the touch letting the pain and exhaustion slip away for just a moment before it came back with a flare that made him moan as he tried to curl into himself.  "I think that perhaps you ought to have listened to your angel and rested a few days more.  Your face is still far too pale and your skin is warm with fever.  Why did you not rest my lamb?"

"Was waiting a few days gonna make a difference?"  Gasping for breath as his body shivered from the pain coursing through it Dean offered a weak smile.  "Chuck said I'd be taking on the effects of Sam's Trials on top of these so it ain't like I wasn't expecting it to happen."

"No I suppose that it would not have mattered especially as you have chosen to take on your brother-son's burdens."  Magdalena's voice was quiet as she moved to sit next to Dean with her feet tucked neatly beneath her.  Smoothing her red tunic absently she tilted her head to the side to rest it on Dean's shoulder.  "I miss when you were small and I could hold you in my lap.  Now you are a man and while I am proud beyond what words can express, I regret that I was not able to stay and watch you grow."

"You didn't miss much and it was probably a good thing because you didn't like dad before he started taking me along on hunts."  Dean said lightly as he shifted to sit more comfortably as his knees began to go numb and prickled unpleasantly with the feeling that came with a limb falling asleep.  "Besides Bobby was good about keeping dad from going too far and when he couldn't then he did what he could to make it better."

"I am glad that he was still there for you even after I was gone."

"He was... he did a lot for me that dad shoulda done but couldn't."

"Your Father had several things that he should have done but didn't for the sole reason that it would have interfered with the way he was raising you."  Lifting her hand she ran her fingers through Dean's hair with her nails scratching lightly at his scalp in a soothing motion.  "You do know that it was not right what he did to you, yes?  That it should not have been you left to raise your brother-son?"

Dean leaned into her touch with a soft noise of contentment escaping him.  "I figured that out a long time ago but knowing is different than actually accepting it.  S'why Sam won't accept that he was dad's favorite and that I was always catching the worst from dad when he did somethin' stupid."  He shrugged his shoulders before his voice took on a contrived lightness.  "Besides he was there when I really needed him."  He felt Magdalena tense at his side before she let out a sound of disgust.  "Look he did the best he could and maybe yeah he shoulda left us with Bobby but he didn't.  Things weren't easy but Hell even after he died things weren't easy.  You don't gotta like him but at least respect the man alright?"

"Why should I do so?  For what reasons would you have me respect him?"

"Because he went into this shit lookin' for Azazel but he kept stoppin' along the way to help the people that were like us.  People who didn't know shit about the stuff hiding away in plain sight."  Dean sighed as her fingers stilled and he hesitated for a moment before deciding that there wasn't any going back now.  "I didn't understand it until Sammy and I were out hunting on our own and then I did.  There's all these people and they need your help even though you're kinda in the middle of somethin' important you still gotta stop and help them cause what else are you gonna do?  Walk away and pretend you didn't see them?"

"There are many that would do so because they feel that it is not their problem."  Turning to study Dean's face she noticed the dark circles still lining his eyes, the pallor of his skin and the almost alarming sharp edges his face was beginning to take from the loss of weight.  "You have been given the opportunities to step away from this life; to return to a simpler life free from the horrors that this one holds.  Why do you never take them for the gift that they are?"

Dean snorted then broke into breathless laughter as he doubled over with mirth.  Long minutes passed before he finally calmed swiping carelessly at the tears still streaming from his eyes before crying out in exaggerated pain as Magdalena cuffed his ear in a fit of pique.  "Ow!  Okay okay!  For some people it's their life but I-I don't know if I can.  I been runnin' and huntin' for so long that when I was at Lisa's I felt like I was suffocating.  I'd find signs of things happening and every day I hated myself a little more because I wasn't doing anything to help.  Some people are cut out for that but I'm not."

"Why?"

"When your companion died did you go back to what you were doing before?  Did you forget everything that happened and bury your head in the sand or did you keep going?"

"You have grown so very much."  She murmured with a wistful tone to her voice as she looked at him with a fond gaze that was marred with sorrow and regret.  "Once you would not have been able to ask me that because you believed that you could still live a life free of regret whilst hiding from the person you were always meant to be."

"Purgatory doesn't give you the option of lying to yourself.  Not uh... not a lot that stays hidden for long there."

"Like feelings?"

"Thoughts and shit you've always believed but never actually said out loud."

"Such as?"

"Not all monsters are bad and some of them deserve a second chance just as much as a human, angel and a demon do."

"That is the essence of Judgment.  When you let go of that which should color your perception and look instead with a vision left untainted by the morals and thoughts of others."  Dropping her hand to the back of his neck she gave a soft squeeze before settling her hands in her lap.  "Do you know why you were blinded for the Trial of the Blind?"

"Because you can't just get up and walk away from a conversation you don't wanna have when you're blind and in a place you don't know?"

"Dean."

Chuckling at the warning in her tone he held his hands up in a placating gesture as he sobered.  "Because when you're blind it's harder to let yourself be distracted by other things.  You don't have the option of walking away anymore.  You're dependent on others and..."  He trailed off trying to find the words he needed.  "You don't do something stupid like start an argument because the way they stand, or talk or-shit!  I don't know what you want me to say."

"I do not wish for you to say anything but what you feel," she said soothingly as she slipped her hand into his own and laced their fingers together.  "When I was blinded I felt as though I might go mad with anger, resentment and feelings that I'd long suppressed because to give voice to them would not have been of benefit to any of my companions."

"I'm tired of being angry."

"Then stop being angry."

"How?  It's not like I can just wake up and decide hey I'm not gonna get angry anymore."

Pulling her hand free she moved so that she was facing him and closed her eyes before lifting her hands and tracing her fingers over his face.  "You take the anger and you let it go because it serves no one to keep it contained inside yet anger is not always without reason."  Opening her eyes to meet his unfocused and dimmed green ones she let her hands fall to her lap again.  "If you are angry then you must say why you are angry but do not let it grow out of your control.  To be the Judgment is more than making judgments free of emotion because to do so would be to change the very core of the person that you are and that person is why you were chosen."

"Then what?  The Trial is supposed to make me have chick flick moments or what?"

"Why did King Solomon order that the child should be cut into two with one half given to each woman claiming to be the child's mother?"

"Because he knew that the real mother would rather give her kid up than let him be killed."

"How did he know that this is what would happen?"

"How the Hell am I supposed to know?"

"Humor me please."

"Because he was hoping-he had faith that she would because it's what any parent should be willing to do for their kid."

She beamed with approval at his answer.  "Yes because he had faith.  When you awoke from the Trial who did you call for?  Who was it that you allowed to care for you whilst you remained vulnerable?"

"The priests," he licked his lips nervously, "they said I asked for Cas."

"Do you know why?"

"Why I asked for Cas?"  Dean asked his brow furrowing in confusion.  "Why wouldn't I?  Charlie was taking care of Sam and Kevin's helping her keep an eye on the wingless dick and Crowley so they couldn't come."

"That may be a part if it but it is not why you called out for him is it?"  Covering his mouth with her hand as he opened it to speak she kept it there until he closed it with an irritated huff that left her smiling. "Why do you trust him with your care?  Why do you trust him with seeing you at your most vulnerable?  What has he ever done to inspire such faith from you?"

"Look if this is some fucked up way of saying that I shouldn't trust him then you can take that warning and shove it-."

"Why are you so determined to defend him that you would bristle at even the insinuation that you should not trust him?"

"Maybe cause I'm sick of people telling me who I should and shouldn't trust."  Dean retorted his voice sharp as he did so and he pulled away from her to sit a few feet away.  "He's fucked up yeah but he's always been there when it matters even when it means going against what he wants because if I need him then he'll do what needs doing.  If there's anyone I can trust while I'm a goddamned cripple then it's him cause yeah we got some shit that still needs to be settled but at the end of the day he's still the person I trust to have my back."

"Do you know," she said conversationally, "that at the beginning of all of this that you would not have admitted to that?  You would have simply said that you trusted him and left it at that.  You would not have felt the need to defend him so that could be no doubt as to the depths to which you are willing to descend in his defense.  Now I will ask you again, do you know what the purpose of the Trial of the Blind is?"

Grumbling under his breath Dean felt behind him for the edge of the altar and sliding his feet over the edge he stood and stumbled into the front of the pew when he took a step back.  Gripping onto the pew tightly with the beads of the rosary pressing uncomfortably into his skin as he leaned heavily on the pew he used the momentary loss of balance to gather his thoughts.  Thumb running absently over the beads of the rosary his breath caught in his throat as he realized the underlying meaning of their conversation. "Faith.  It's about faith but it's more'n just that isn't it?"

"Yes.  I know that you better than most understand the risks that come with trusting another with your safety but it is necessary for the Trials for how can one become the Judgment of God without faith?  Without faith your judgment cannot be trusted and it is why the Trial of the Blind is given because Our Lord would see if you are capable of the levels of faith that he requires for the one chosen to be His Judgment.  It is however difficult because the one chosen to be your caretaker is often the one with whom you are most at odds with."

"So you're saying that it was meant to be Cas?  That I didn't get a choice in this?"

"No it was always your choice.  You were the one who chose him without the interference of any other. You chose him as you have always chosen him.  As you always will."  Magdalena said quietly as she rose to her feet and padded to stand beside Dean who was leaning over as he coughed with a harsh sound that left him teary eyed and gasping for breath.  "When you are vulnerable you will find yourself quick to anger as it seems to linger there like an adder waiting for the right moment to strike.   The Trial is meant to test your mettle.  Will you give in to your ire and lash out at the one caring for you or will you find a way to tame the anger before it can do so?  Will you be blinded by-."

"Anger," he finished for her as he let out a breathy laugh.  "Doesn't make it easy does he?"

"In matters such as these He cannot make it easy for if it were then anyone would be capable of taking the Trials and succeeding. Before Lucifer fell and took the tablets written by The Word He placed a binding on the Trials so that only one with His blessing would be able to take them and throughout the centuries He has ensured that the Trials never remain in one place. They move constantly with the ones who serve Him so as to ensure their protection and it is with His guidance that the warding is brought up so that they may remain hidden and when the times comes protect the one chosen for the Trials."

"Wards?  He didn't say anything about wards needing to brought up when he was telling me where I needed to go."

"You might not have known but your angel trusts His Father enough that his first action upon entering the places chosen for the Trials was to look for the ward glyphs.  Your anchor was well chosen my lamb for few would think to look for such a thing on their own."

Swallowing against the burning sensation in his throat Dean grimaced at the taint of copper beginning to overwhelm his sense of taste before bringing his hand up to cover his mouth as his coughing fit persisted.  "He probably went lookin' so he could make his own if there weren't any he could use.  He's more paranoid than I am about shit like that and-," pausing again to cough he wiped away the wetness splattered on his palm along the black linen pants of the priest garb he'd forced Cas into setting out for him.  "Why'd you call him my anchor?"

"Is he not the one you would choose and trust above all the others?  The one whose voice can call you back to yourself?  The presence that soothes your aches?"  Magdalena asked her face pinched with worry as she noted the specks of red splashed along Dean's dry lips and the raspy wheeze of his breathing.  "The life you will have after these Trials will not be an easy one.  There is always one upon whim the Judgment relies for comfort when it is needed and is without fail the one to whom you would entrust not only your life but the lives of others."

"The one that'll call me on my bullshit."

"Yes.  Do you understand now the Trial of the Blind?"

"Didn't you just ask me that?"

"As I told you then, it was only a part of the Trial's true meaning.  It is, like so very many things, multifaceted."

The quiet of the church was broken only by Dean's coughing as he mulled over the question.  "You said that Judgment is impartial and fair.  That it can't use things like just appearances to make a decision."  He said absently as he ran his fingers over the wood of the pew beneath his hands feeling out the tiny imperfections in the grain.  Freezing he picked at his last thought and, "that's why.  It wasn't Cas' fault that I was blind but the important thing was whether or not I'd take it out on him because I was pissed about not being able to get up and go to the bathroom on my own or because I was freaking out in the morning when I opened my eyes and there wasn't any change between my eyes being closed or open. But it was more than that wasn't it?  It was about whether I could let go of all of that and just trust him. Trust that he'd take care of me."

"And now you understand its true meaning."  Frowning as Dean let out a particularly racking cough Magdalena's face fell.  "It is not too late to turn back from this path you have chosen.  Will you not stop?"

"Be kinda stupid of me to come this far and stop now wouldn't it?"

"The Trials will only become harder and will leave you changed.  There is still time to change your mind.  I would not see you suffer if it can be prevented.  Will you not do so?"

Covering his mouth and wincing at the burning pain in his throat Dean's voice was rough as he replied, "no."

"My lamb will you-?"

"Just get on with it cause I ain't changing my mind."  Knees buckling he slid down to the floor with his hand still holding onto the pew as he doubled over with the force of his coughs. "You didn't change your mind so why would I?"  He asked breathlessly.

Crouching down to cup his face with her hands she leaned forward to press a soft kiss to his forehead her brown eyes awash with tears.  "My little black lamb when will you learn that I would not give you this pain to save the world if I could stop it?"  Letting out a shaky breath she moved back and swallowed against the grief lodged in her throat.  "Will you hear the Revelation of Heaven my lamb?"

"Yes."

"Wisdom is the Judgment of Our Lord.  The Judgment that must be impartial and above all, it must be just.  Wisdom must sometimes be silent as it is through silence that deception is revealed and the truth is found.  Will you accept the Trial of the Mute so that you may learn to pass Judgment in Our Lord's name?"

Groaning as the fiery pain in his throat increased Dean spat out the thick liquid forced into his mouth by his coughs and leaned the side of his face against the cool wood of the pew.  Mute.  She'd said mute which meant that he was gonna lose his voice too.  Chest tight with fear he struggled to keep his breathing from going ragged with the panic threatening to overwhelm him.  He wouldn't be able to talk. Wouldn't be able to tell people to back off cause he was fine or tell Cas that he didn't want any more fracking soup.  The terror that he'd felt with the threat of going blind was nothing compared to the terror coursing through his veins now.   Shaking with pain he wondered for a moment if it was worth it before the thought was chased away with the nearly crippling feeling of guilt that rose up in response.

He'd told them-pleaded with them to let him do this because there wasn't another way and now he was thinking about getting out just because he was scared?  Resolve firming he reminded himself that he'd already gone to Hell and this couldn't be any worse than that.  "I accept," he answered in a raspy voice and heard Magdalena let out a soft noise of assent before reaching forward to wrap her fingers around his throat in a loose grip and the pain swelled to a crescendo of agony.  Toppling over onto his side he felt hands grasping his shoulders and Cas' panicked tones washed over him.   Coughing and feeling liquid spilling past his lips he reached out blindly and twisted his fingers in the material of Cas' shirt wishing that he could tell the angel that he was okay. Fighting against Cas' attempts to get him to loosen his grip he slipped into the beckoning warmth of unconsciousness between one breath and the next.

...Ω...
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