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ECLIPSE SPOILERS. PLZ DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ ECLIPSE.
I don't like Edward. I really, really don't. I mean, I know that I could if he was meaner and less emo and more Angel/us-y, but he's not. He's a great big pussy and I didn't want him in my fic/fanmix.
So I stuck Leah in there instead and this is what I got. WHOO, LEAH! (who I also don't like but really, Leah > Edward.)
This started out as just a plan old fanmix with songs and a few words on why I thought it fit the pairing but then the story was born.
Why can't I write a happy ending? I hate sad endings. D:
This Providence "My Beautiful Rescue"
I've been jumping from the tops of buildings
For the thrill of the fall
Ignoring sound advice.
And any thought of consequence.
My bones are shattered.
My pride is shattered.
And in the midst of this self-inflicted pain
I can see my beautiful rescue.
There was no beauty in death, Jacob thought. Nothing sweet or soft, just final and absolute. But Edward had his poetry, a subtleness that Jacob could never have competed with, had never wanted to because love should be something easy and agreeable, not squabbled over and hid away. Love was supposed to be like warmth, but there couldn’t be any warmth left in Bella (Swanswanswan) Cullen.
A long walk and a short drop, the pirates had said. But that wasn’t how this was. This was a shortness of breath and then forever without any air left. He was trapped in a too small life because suicide was for stupid, pretty girls and he just didn’t have the energy to die.
And really, his life wasn’t his own to take. Promises and memories that he wouldn’t let fade away because stubbornness was the way of a werewolf.
He didn’t need Bella because he wasn’t that hopeless. It’d still be nice to have her around, though.
Feeder “Feeling A Moment”
Turning to face what you've become
Bury the ashes of someone
Broken by the strain
Trying to fill that space inside
Am I just like you
All the things you do - can't help myself
The black and sugar-white of the rolling sea could occupy him for hours. The salty smell of brine and sand and the thrum of life in the dry sound of waves rushing by. Hypnotizing in it’s repetitiveness, Jacob found solace in the beach when he could.
He liked to pretend that there was something more in the way that he missed Bella, that when he was pained by his loss it was more than a childish letdown. He liked to, but sometimes it just wasn’t possible. Running had stopped thought once, but there didn’t seem to be any where to run to. So he sought the silence in stillness, fought for control over something he knew he could win in his own self control.
Jacob Black used to be easy to be but now it is a role he can’t fit into. Paris died in the beginning of the play but something went wrong in this version because here he is standing on an empty stage with a heartbeat and no lines.
Sick Puppies “All The Same”
Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same
In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same
Jacob finds movies about romance and drug abuse slightly insulting. This cuts down what he can watch by quite a lot, and Leah finds any form of electronic entertainment that isn’t loud music or the sports channel hopeless so they have that in common.
Bella always loved to veg out in front of a movie and eat bad food, but he doesn’t think about that and instead just sits and smiles back when Leah offers the rare hand of friendship.
Mistakes he made the first time, the same that Bella made are coming back like bad jokes and false irony. His life isn’t ironic.
It’s just sad, but that’s easier to take when you aren’t as lonely as a boy mooning over a girl dead and cold as the eclipse that killed her.
The Spill Canvas “All Over You”
In my daydreams, in my sleep,
infatuation turning into disease.
You could cure me, see all you have to do now
is please try.
Give it your best shot and try.
All I'm asking for is love,
but you never seem to have enough.
Words penned out from the images in Jacob’s mind are so cliché it’s laughable. All why’s and how’s and accusation. So he hides them away and pokes at overcooked pasta.
Leah finds them days later and can’t help but roll her eyes. “You’re a drama queen,” she wants to say because it’s true, but then she doesn’t because it’s Jacob and when Jacob feels he feels too hard.
Instead she walks into his living room and lays herself out across his couch, long limbs resting against the equal heat she feels through his shirt when he leans automatically towards the comfort. “We should date,” comes out wrong, but it’s too late and Leah never takes back her words.
“I don’t date.”
“Right. Then we should make out.” He laughs like she’s joking and their first kiss is an upside down crush of lips with him still chuckling.
Terra Naomi “Say It’s Possible”
Don’t wait act now
This amazing offer won’t last long
It’s only a chance to save the path we’re on
I know there are more exciting things to talk about
And in time we’ll sort it out
There was a certain amount of caution to the agreement they’d silently laid out. It was more than friendship but less than love, all comfort and companionship but not what either really wanted.
Settling was something Jacob had grown used to, but he wasn’t sure when it stopped being just physical and when there was a stab of jealousy whenever Leah looked at Sam.
When he stopped dreaming about pale skin and clumsy hands and it was heat and tan rubbing against his own Jacob gave in, gave up. The torch was burning but he couldn’t hold it up anymore and let it fall to flicker on the ground.
He worshiped reality now, not a memory of hopeless love.
Jimmy Eat World “Crush”
Simple discourse breaks you clean in half.
Regret.
Do try it once and then you know.
It’s your move.
Settle for less again.
Again.
She calls, he follows the promise. Leah had known he would when the broken expression slid over his face, but never imagined just how angry it would make her. Hurt, too, but that wasn’t what made her fist that was mostly claw break through a wall after he’d hung up the phone on sweet, darling Bella and just walked out.
Broken men lined the streets where Bella had walked and Leah wasn’t going to be left in that mess. So she went, ran through the woods and to the treaty line and roared, shedding humanity like she imagined Jacob wanted to shed his love for Bella but couldn‘t.
No one got their happy ending here, not in a world where love was broken up by chance and the dead had first pick of the pieces left scattered.
Missy Higgins “Where I Stood”
'Cos I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Bella shouldn’t have made the call. Jacob stands at his car looking so little like the boy she’d broken but the fire in his eyes is familiar enough that a little sob would have come out of her mouth if she’d been able.
“I’m sorry.” She’s not sure for what, but it’s supposed to make you feel better if you apologize. She doesn’t when his mouth twists a little more and his eyes close off. “I have to go.” Edward. She picked Edward because that’s what she had wanted so dearly, what she still wanted, mostly.
Jacob confesses his almost-love along a road no one drove on anymore to a vampire he couldn’t quite forgive with their third kiss. Bella takes what he gives, always, and then leaves in the morning with a sense of familiar loss, clothing torn and smelling of dog and sex and dirt.
Jacob belongs to himself now, not Leah or Bella SwanCullenBlack or a pack that protects old secrets.
But there isn’t much left to own.
