(Untitled)

[ithurtswhenipee]

sorry this is so long, but i promised murray i'd post it, and honestly, i need some feedback. just finished reading the wasteland for the first time in a long time. i'll be frank with you, when i was younger, the words went in one ear and out the other. now it sticks to my brain like it has anchors

Comments

[berceau]

its impressive that you can stick with one thought for so long. i'd like to hear you read it outloud. g is for great goddamn writer.

[ithurtswhenipee]

you beautiful girl. g is for good luck

[berceau]

or Give me a call

[anonymous]

While I like a lot of it, and I TOTALLY dig the message, I have to say that an axe-in-hand edit for brevity would seriously improve this poem. It's got a lot of excess built in, which you could safely flense without losing any of the meaning of the piece. Also: the prose section. Ah... I'm not... certain that's a good idea. Don't know if there's another way for you to do it, but I'm not sure that it works. I'd mess with it, if this were my poem, and see what the experimentation yeilds.

As for Lake of the Dead Sessions, I don't think this piece would quite fit. But the next collection I'd like to do, Dispatches From the Fifth Column, would be a perfect home for such a piece.

I can e-mail you more detailed feedback and/ or info about Dispatches if you like. Either the gmail I gave you yesterday or pierre.devarcombe@gmail will work.