RP LOG with seeuincourt | Mutal Akwardness
When Liam woke up, it felt like he had been asleep for a month. In fact, he felt like what he assumed a zombie would feel like. His eyes gave him the sensation like they were falling out of his head, which was slightly foggy and achy. At first, he just sat on the side of the bed to get his bearings, hugging his arms around his middle, and taking in the fact he wasn't at home... he was at Sophie's. He still didn't feel that great, and zero appetite. The blood tests indicated he might have a slight virus somewhere in him too, his white cells a little on the low side, but nothing to be overly concerned about. In fact, they were more concerned about the anaemia, and he was prescribed iron pills. Those bastards really fucked with a GI tract, and his stomach was upset from them and he had only had one dose shoved down his throat. It all wasn't so bad, though. It meant because he was feeling crap, he had more of an urge to get better so his family stopped watching him like a hawk. He knew they were going to, starting with Sophie, who he was probably lucky even closed the bedroom door so she couldn't keep an eye on him. It was how the Morgan family operated... until he was back on his feet and 100% healthy again, they wouldn't stop watching him to make sure he was okay. Although it was irksome, Liam was glad he had a family like that. Whenever he felt crap, someone was always there with a hug.
His mind inevitably turned to Joe, and he just stared blankly at the plush, expensive champagne coloured carpet of the equally plush, expensive spare room of Sophie and Ethan's apartment. Even the bedside lamp probably cost more than Liam's university tuition. It felt like he was staying in a five star hotel, and all it was missing was a mini bar. But it was a warm room, comfortable, with a large bed that felt like it was hugging him. It was probably why he managed to go out like a light and sleep for awhile without waking. The clock told him it was around eight at night now, so he had either slept for four hours or twenty eight hours. The latter really wouldn't surprise him. He tried not to let his mind linger on Joe, it just depressed him. He had a hint of horniness, but he had mostly taken care of it before he fell asleep with a quick hand down the jocks and nothing overly satisfying. He had been too exhausted, and only tossed off so he could go out in favoured position of lying on his belly. It was hard to be a belly-sleeper with a raging hard-on. He was sort of half-heartedly, semi hard right now, but it was only morning wood. Morning wood in the evening, ironically. He used the toilet in the en suite attached to the room to take care of the issue and then pulled a t-shirt on over his purple pyjamas pants.
At the end of the day, he was still a little brother, and he found himself exiting the room to go on search of his big sister for a hug. So what if he was needy? He felt like crap, and needed a Soph hug. But he found a note tucked under the door explaining to him that she and Ethan had just ducked out for a quick dinner so she didn't have to cook, and for him to text her if he wanted her to bring anything back for him to eat. He just scrunched his nose up a little, figuring a bit of toast and a cup of tea was safer the way his gut was churning. He was rubbing his palm over it as he shuffled tiredly into the living room, only to freeze to an abrupt stop when he found Tom lying on the large sofa with a mound of pillows, lethargically channel surfing on the big TV with the remote. "What-" was all he got out before he snapped his mouth shut and took a couple of steps back, figuring it was just safer to bugger the hell off after everything.
Tom was more than aware of the fact Liam was staying in the apartment. His knuckles also still hurt from when he'd punched Ethan in the face for trying to make him stay with them. He hadn't been able to stop himself. The two best mates had found themselves in a heated argument as a result of frayed nerves, and built up tension. Neither of them could release it through comfort sex with Ethan agreeing to a mutual cut off with Sophie, and Tom being cut off by default due to his break up with Stuart. He couldn't even be arsed trying to jerk off which sucked more than anything.
He figured it was probably due to the fact most of the fantasies he'd been using lately all centered around Stu and now that just seemed in poor taste to use, and the idea of random cocks and arses from some gay porn just didn't cut it. He couldn't exactly use Liam either now that that little cat was out of the bag, and the guilt just started to eat him alive again.
Speaking of the devil, Tom dragged his gaze away from the TV to briefly acknowledge Liam's sudden appearance before he just went back to staring at the idiot box. Maybe if he just kept his mouth shut he couldn't get in any more trouble, but then if he and Liam didn't speak, he'd be losing out on a friendship that had come to mean a lot to him. He managed to get himself into a sitting position before he looked at Liam again. "Blame your brother-in-law. I guess both of us need sitters right now."
For a long few moments, Liam just stood there with his mouth shut. It was like he had to stay there so his brain could work because it wouldn't function if he had to focus on something like walking at the same time. His hand curled around a palmful of his t-shirt, scratching his belly through the fabric as he used his other hand to rake through his sleep-messy blond hair. Both actions were subconscious, and at first he just locked eyes on Tom before he looked away, still trying to figure out what the hell he was supposed to do or say. But his legs were tired, just like the rest of him, and he just moved to perch stiffly on the edge of the closest leather recliner, wishing that it didn't actually make a fart noise when he sat on it. With four brothers, a fart noise on a leather seat at any other time would be an hilarious occurence, but this time, it just ended up making Liam sit even more stiffly. "You didn't go to dinner with them," he finally settled on in a small mumble, as his eyes flicked back to Tom.
There was a brief moment where Tom might have actually smiled, but he didn't. He bit it back because he was more worried about the laughter increasing the tension than breaking it. "No, I didn't. I'm not hungry. I don't feel like going out. I don't exactly want to do much of anything. Only there's things I know I have to do, and I'm trying to work out if I have the energy to start organising them." He kept watching Liam, his gaze flicking over the younger man. "Feeling any better?"
He wasn't entirely sure how he managed it, but Liam just shrugged, nodded and shook his head all at the same time while making a small noise that didn't really indicate anything either way. "I just... I... he..." he stammered and then stopped, shoulders slumping as he swallowed and wondered if it was even a good idea bringing up anything that happened. "Probably nothing that can't wait, anyway," he replied and put his thumb up to his mouth to chew nervously on the edge of his thumb nail. It was hard to believe they were once so comfortable and at ease with each other in the past. Now he just felt like his very presence would screw Tom over even worse. "I'm sorry I fucked everything up. I tried saying something to him, but he... he... can't really blame him. It doesn't matter how I'm feeling. You're the one that needs taking care of. Just not by me."
Tom frowned deeply as he leaned forward, elbows braced on his knees under the blankets. "Stop it. Stop it right now, Liam. You're not to blame for this. None of this is your fault, so don't you dare try and carry the blame. Or guilt, or anything else. This is entirely on me. I never told Stuart about us. I stupidly kept a fucking homemade porn collection for Christ's sake... One that anyone could have stumbled across, and did, and he saw us on DVD. All before finding out from Gus what had happened. Yeah, it was fucked up, but you didn't fuck it up. You were doing the right thing, and it was just bad timing on Jess' part. Not that she's to blame either... This is all about me and my past. Please, just don't feel like you're doing anything wrong."
Liam held his hand up. "No. No..." He shook his head for emphasis. "This was my sister. My sister! Do you think she would have thought what she did if I wasn't like I was? If I was like Sophie or... or anyone else who doesn't have sex for a hobby? It was my own sister, and now she... she won't even talk to me!" Tears welled up and spilled over before he had a chance to realise his emotions had exploded again and he swiped them away with his fingertips in annoyance. "You think I'm not gonna feel guilt? Feel bad that all this hurt you? Hurt Stuart? Then you're fucked in the head! I can't stop thinking about it. Everytime I try to help someone it just fucks up and blows up in my face. It's not all about you and your past, it's about me and mine, too. The fact my own sister thinks I'm a slut and capable of doing something like sucking a practically married guy's cock in an unlocked office. If I'm not doing anything wrong, then what the hell am I doing right?" he asked, throwing his hands up helplessly.
Tom pushed the covers off, and disentangled himself from the sofa so he could reach Liam and pull the younger man up into a hug. He wrapped his arms around Liam and rubbed his back as he felt a lump in his own throat begin to grow. It was insane just how many parallels existed between him and the baby Morgan, but they were there. Maybe it was why Tom could so easily form a bond with him. He also just knew that if he and Liam had ever tried exclusive then they would have torn each other to pieces. It was impossible to date yourself, and not implode. "You're a good doctor in training, Li. You're a good friend. Despite what you think, I know you're a good brother. You were looking after Sophie when you came to my office, remember?"
Liam hadn't remembered. In fact, only now it came back to him, why he had even been there in the first place. It was to help Soph, try and get Ethan to stop acting like a cock and just tell her what was going on so they didn't have tension between them. He didn't think anyone should have tension between them so soon after being married. It had all just seemed so insignificant and stupid after the shit hit the fan and another relationship was going down the shitter. The fact he couldn't seem to control himself bursting into tears showed how much he was frayed, this whole thing had knocked him for a six. Not just his own personality, but now he was questioning his professional capabilities too. He had come to work two jobs, and was still studying. He was used to burning the candle at both ends, but it just seemed it was impossible to cope with when he was crushed under a mountain of emotional stress. He didn't want to make the situation worse, or more painful, but once he was in the hug, he didn't try to pull out of it. Maybe that was exactly what he needed. The thing about he and Tom being the same, was that Tom was never one to accuse him of being a slut. Not that his family did, either, until now. "Stuart didn't want me near him," he sobbed, realising that actually cut deeper than he first thought. "And I couldn't even help Sophie when it all exploded, now I can hardly even remember what I was trying to do. I can't even remember what day it is!"
"Don't ask me what day it is, but the rest of it I can sort of remember. You didn't want Ethan keeping assumed pussy secrets. And you know what? Stuart didn't want me near him either, but I ignored him. At least up until we broke up. Now I'm voluntarily staying away, and I know Ethan was love to give me a love smack in return for it, but right now he's the one with the bruise." Tom sighed as he rest his chin on the top of Liam's head and let his eyes fall closed. Truth was he probably needed the hug as much as Liam. He wasn't sure if anyone had hugged the young man yet. At least Tom had had Ethan hug him outside the hospital. "You really didn't do anything wrong, Liam. You're innocent. You'll feel better once you talk to Jess, and maybe even once you talk to Stuart again. He can't keep you away now he knows the truth."
Liam found himself curling up against Tom's chest, maybe hoping he could hide from the whole world there. Trying to disappear at the end of the bed didn't work. No matter what all happened, he still trusted Tom, and they still had some sort of bond. It was never romantic, it was just affectionate. They got each other, and Tom was the one that probably stopped Liam getting too far into trouble in the world of homosexuality in London. Liam was still only young. When Ethan came into Sophie's life with Tom in tow, he was late teens and finding his feet... loving every single minute of sex and not being able to get enough. Tom told him the better places to hang out, and what to watch out for so he didn't find himself raped or beaten up some place. "I couldn't do anything once he told me not to. He told me he would ruin my career if I even went closer to him and didn't leave. He was my patient, I had to do what he asked. It's different for you. You should've done what you did, whatever it was. At least you tried. He loves you, you know. To do that damage to his fingers and wrist, he hit pretty hard. Jess is... I dunno, I'm not sure I can look at her. Look at anyone right now."
Tom's hand paused in the act of rubbing Liam's back, and he was once again hit with the awkward feeling that came with knowing he no longer wore an engagement ring on his finger. It was scary just how right it had felt there, and just how quickly Tom had adjusted to having it. He thought about Stuart's left hand. "Ethan said something similar," he murmured quietly, something niggling in the back of his mind. He had no idea if Stuart had been discharged or not, he assumed it would be soon. It wasn't like they were going to keep in hospital forever with a smashed up hand. He just didn't know where he'd go. Iain's was the safest bet. "Doesn't mean every patient will ask the same thing of you. You need to try. The same as I do. Facing your sister right now actually has me worried. I'm not sure if she'll quit over all this, or not. I don't even know how she'll react to hearing the truth. So just start with being able to look at me. Look at Ethan. Look at Sophie. They're your family. They love you."
"Yeah... Stuart's right-handed. He hit the wall with his left, the hand with your ring. I figure he saw it, got really upset and just exploded. The only thing was, according to his medical records, he wouldn't let Casualty cut it off him. He said they could cut his finger off first." Liam had assumed Tom would've deduced this, not that he would blame him for not. It wasn't like he would've had much time to talk to Stuart about the actual injury, maybe didn't even notice it wasn't his prominent hand. When all shit was piling up, you forgot to notice the little things. "I-I know. I know they wouldn't, but it was just... I don't know. I guess I feel like if I can't even help my own family, how am I supposed to manage to help anyone else's?" He frowned, though, pulling back so he could see Tom's face. "She's going to be more terrified you hate her, I know she will be. Once she knows this was a mistake and what it led to, she'll think you won't want to ever see her again."
Tom bit his lip as he looked away from Liam for a moment before meeting his gaze again. "Part of me wasn't sure if I wanted to," he admitted quietly. "Before Ethan talked sense into me. I just wasn't sure how I'd react if I saw her again. It's not... Yes, she saw something that probably really didn't expect, and because of my stupid wound it wasn't like either of us could run after her and correct her straight away... So it's not her fault. It really isn't. Maybe this was always going to happen regardless. The DVDs were always going to be there to be found. Us knowing each other was something we still hadn't revealed and one day it would have come out anyway. I don't hate her."
Liam pulled away and sat down, tucking a hand up under his shirt to nurse his stomach which was feeling crampy again. He gave a small nod and a shrug. He had given up trying to figure his sister out. It was her issue to sort out with Tom, not Liam's. He was angry enough at her himself to be trying to sort her work issues out. Either way, he decided he was never getting serious with anyone. It ended in too much shit. "That's not a stupid wound, it saved your life," was all he could think to say.
Tom retreated back to the sofa and pulled all the covers up so he was nestled in his protective cocoon again. "You're going to be a great doctor, Liam. Just have some confidence in your ability. Don't let this change that. Please." He looked over at him. "My life isn't worth much without Stuart."
Liam wasn't sure why Tom kept changing the subject. First Stuart, now his wound. It couldn't be healthy to bottle shit up like that. He watched him quietly, his tired blue eyes locked on Tom's face, but his expression mostly unreadable. "You should tell him that, when you have a bit of your strength back. You should give him as much info as you can to make him see that the past is nothing in comparison."
Tom wasn't so sure either why he was so willing to constantly change the subject. He just had it pinned on his newfound restlessness. He suddenly found him at a point in his life where he was forced to consider every little aspect, and work out what really was important to him. Ethan said he'd help Tom get some of his fight back, but only Tom was really capable of finding it. He would fight for Stuart if he thought there was a chance of getting him back, but the doubts were still plaguing Tom's mind. As for his wound, the accident really was something he still wasn't sure he was capable of dealing with. Not without Stuart. So much of his life now came back to the Scotsman. "What if we're past talking?"
"How can you be past something that you haven't even tried?" Liam threw back, still holding Tom's gaze intently. "Ethan told me you weren't in there long, and Stuart was pre-op. He'd be drugged up to his eyeballs on painkillers with an injury like that. He wouldn't have been capable of rationally talking to you for long. In fact, I'm thinking all that came through would be frayed emotions. Hurt, upset, fear. If you were in there screaming that you wanted to see him and stormed into his room, is it any wonder he told you he couldn't take any more? Maybe all he needed was silence and a hug."
Tom's head dropped into his hand and he just stared for a long moment at the blankets covering his knees. "They weren't going to let me through... Angus wasn't going to let me see him. Silence and a hug was impossible right then. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I couldn't have bollocked this up more if I tried, could I?"
"It doesn't matter. You did what you thought you had to. Next time, just stubbornly sit there until they let you. Prove to them you'd do anything for him. You do it for your clients, you stand up for them in court for hours pleading their case. Why aren't you pleading yours?" Liam asked him, holding his hands up for emphasis. "So what if the jury already had you guilty, you proved them wrong, didn't you? Just stop for a minute and think how you felt when you were recovering. Tired, sick, drained... like you couldn't face anymore, and even the smallest thing felt too much. Maybe that's where Stuart is right now. Fuck, I know I am... Give him a few days, let him hide away with his family and lick his wounds, but don't leave it at this. Just fucking don't, okay? Or you're going to ruin your life."
Tom pointed a finger at Liam. "That is why you'll be able to look after someone else's family. You're just as good at it as your big sister. Having her quality - probably a quality all Morgans have - is why you'll make it. I promise not to leave it like this, if you promise to talk to your sister. If she learns the truth, she's probably just as scared of you hating her as she is of me hating her."
Liam leaned forward so his elbows were on his knees and his long hair fell into his face. He just stared at his bare feet for a long time, things swirling through his brain, even if it was hard to really think on the straight and narrow. His bones and muscles felt tired, like something was weighing him down. Curling up into a ball and sleeping felt like it would be great right then, but he needed to try and eat a bit of something or he just wouldn't, and he would get into more shit. "If Stuart had just been your... casual fling, would you have told him you were sick?" he finally asked quietly, his voice a little hoarse and weak around the edges. "Or would you have not wanted him to see you like that?"
"I never would have told him," Tom admitted to Liam in a quiet tone. His gaze fixed on the other man again and he cleared his throat. "I would have kept it to myself. It's knowing that I wanted to tell Stuart, to be with Stuart when I felt shit... That made me realise it was different to anything else."
Liam noded, absorbing the information, even if his nose scrunched up just a little at the prospect of anything not casual. "Guess now it's the opposite. You wish he was here while you're feeling crap. Makes it worse knowing he's not. I used to feel like that about my family... until we all grew up, got kinda independent. You stop needing each other so much... people move away."
Tom smirked just a little bit. "You can be a terrible liar, Liam. It's okay to need your family. Even after you're grown up and more independent. No one's stopping you need them. But yeah, this is the part I'll never get used to now. Needing him and knowing he won't be here. Can't be here. Or I can't be there with him."
"I'm not lying, I'm evading. You should know the difference, lawyer man," Liam returned, raising an eyebrow a little. "I didn't say I didn't need them, I just took them to throw you off course of what I was really talking about. Remind me why I picked medicine over law again?" he added, pretending to preen just a little. "You can, you know. There's nothing stopping you sending him a text to just tell him you hope he's feeling okay and that the surgery went well. I don't know how it went, I doubt the Evans are going to be exactly forthcoming with info for us."
"Clearly my lawyerly mojo lies in my cock, and since that's not being seen to - I'm not in top form. So what are you really talking about? Is there someone you do want regular sex with? I think it had something to do with you looking hot in scrubs." Tom rolled his eyes lightly as he chuckled tiredly, but stopped when his eyes landed on his phone sitting on the coffee table. He reached out for it just as Liam suggested texting Stuart, and was already typing a message. He even included something about enjoying the flowers before he hit send. "It sucks being on the outside all of a sudden."
Liam gave a slight shrug. "I would offer, but you know, all things considered... wouldn't wanna throw up on you or anything." He pointedly avoided mentioning Stuart as the reason, it wasn't like it was something that Tom needed slammed in his face over and over. He would be doing an awful lot of thinking about that himself in the coming weeks, months... maybe even years. He watched Tom send the text, deciding that the way he did it so freely more than meant he had some sort of fight left in him. If he wasn't chasing the Scot by the end of the week, Liam would drag him there kicking and and screaming to do it, and he would bring in his whole family for back up, which was an extremely scary prospect. "There was something, with someone. One something. Only it was a really good something, and probably could be a regular something. But it's complicated. Just happens he was the one that appeared when everything hit the fan the other day, so I was in a state anyway. I told him what happened. He had no fucking clue how to help me, though," he said with a slight, amused laugh. "Still tried, though. To be honest, I dunno what I want. You're not technically on the outside, you know. Or you wouldn't be here with Ethan and Soph. He's always got your back."
"It's still not by Stuart's side," Tom returned as he set his phone down. He didn't know if he should expect any sort of reply so he made an effort not to keep staring at the thing and willing it to vibrate. He looked back at Liam and smirked. "I think the days of you helping me out are long gone, no offence. It wouldn't be right after... everything." Stuart was the reason foremost in his mind more than the idea of Liam throwing up on him. He raised his eyebrows with interest and nodded at Liam. "Maybe you should be sending a text of your own, love. Everything's complicated. Even the most simplest of relationships still have some form of complication involved, even if it's something like coordinating shagging around a kid like with Iain and his doctor. If he was there when you needed him, and he still tried to help even if he was clueless... I'd say it's a good something to go after."
"I know. But isn't the whole break up thing about who is there for you after it, just as much as who you're leaving behind?" It wasn't like Liam actually knew the logistics. His longest relationship had barely been a couple of months, and that had been in high school before he really discovered the true joys of sex. Since then, he hadn't had any other exclusive relationships. A lot of people around him were, and he mostly just witnessed them with a bewildered confusion. He couldn't see the outright appeal, even if they mostly looked happy in it. Until the shit exploded, and then it just looked down right horrible and did nothing to convince him of it. Even when Ethan had been trying to court Sophie, Liam had watched, highly amused by the whole thing. Of course his whole family knew who Ethan Williamson was. Most people in London would be aware of the name at some point. He just never got why someone with a reputation like Ethan would bend over backwards to pursue someone well away from his world like Sophie. No one ever expected him to persist, let alone Soph to finally fall for him. They made it look good, but Liam was still wondering about the appeal. Where was the thrill? "I don't want him to see me sick. And if only it was a complication like a kid. More like age and status, things that often can't be overcome."
Tom considered Liam quietly before he reached out again for the coffee table, only this time he picked up his glasses and not his phone. His eyes were getting tired again. Even if it had been Stuart to get him wearing them again, he wasn't about to go back to doing without. He wasn't that thick. His eyes were an issue he had control over. "Ethan and Soph might not have the age issue, but they've dealt with status pretty well. Me and Stuart had a little age difference, and it was never an issue. How bad is the age gap? I didn't want anyone seeing me sick, but you know what? Feels pretty fucking good having someone there when you feel shit and just have them hold you and not care. It's a big leap, but it's worth it. Trust me. Don't think about the shit."
Liam watched Tom put on the glasses with a small smirk. Tom looked hot with them without a doubt, but it was also no secret just how riled they got Stuart. He felt a wave of sadness inside at the thought that Tom and Stuart had split... they had been perfect together, not to mention hot. That's what had made Liam contemplate a relationship in more than just 'ew, marriage cooties' light. Now it was over. But he forced a smirk and cleared his throat. "When Ethan is Soph's professor, then we'll talk. He's older than Sophie. He's older than you, and older than Ethan."
"A professor? One of yours?" Tom still looked a little amused at the information and gave a shake of his head as he snorted. "Fuck me, Liam. You don't half know how to pick them, do you? Older means experience that's for sure. Unless you've stumbled across an academically gifted virgin professor. There's really nothing wrong with an age gap. Not really. Think of all the pretty young girls that hook up with older gents. This is no different. Just much, much more interesting with two gay men."
Liam flopped back in the seat and put his feet up on the coffee table. He was so slumped down, he was practically looking at Tom down the length of his body and over the top of his toes. "No, just a professor at the university. He's not mine directly. He was just... in a classroom one day, it's not really a secret of which way he swings, so I thought, what the fuck." He gave another small shrug. "He's fourteen years older than me. Definitely not a virgin, and definitely not an ugly fuck enough to be a sugar daddy. It's not like he's a grandpa. At least, I hope fucking not. We've not exactly swapped many personal details."
Tom shifted restlessly and dipped his hand under the blankets to adjust himself. He couldn't help it if he was thinking about Stuart and getting horny at inappropriate moments. "So you don't have his number? Alright, that's a definite hurdle. I realise faculty and students shouldn't exactly be getting it on, but if he's not your professor, and you've already broken the classroom taboo - why the fuck not? You only live once, Liam."
Liam looked at Tom evenly, his lips pressed together slightly. "Why the fuck not? Because I'm not going to be the cause of ruining anymore lives, that's why the fuck not."
Tom rubbed his hand over his hair. "You're not the cause of ruining any lives, Liam. You were stuck in the middle of it all. It's me who's ruined your life."
"My life's not ruined. I haven't gotten into anything deep enough for it to get ruined. Self-preservation is a fine thing. And to be honest, after the last few days? I'm not in any hurry to get into anything deep for the rest of my life." Liam took one of the plush pillows and hugged it across his chest, his chin resting on the edge of it. "You ruined your own life, and you'll keep doing it if you let Stuart walk out of your life. You were like me once, but now you've had a taste of it and met the one, there's no going back. You try sleeping with someone else, you'll just think you're cheating on Stuart. Hell, you try wanking and you'll feel a bit like that."
"Don't I know it," Tom mumbled with a wry smile. "My cock's stuffed. Can't even be happy with a quick toss. I'm not going to let him walk out. I'm not. I just need a little time to get my shit together. If I go after him like this I'm pretty sure I'll just do more than shove my foot in my mouth, or count my chickens, or whatever's fucking appropriate right now. Just don't write off the deep, love. Sometimes it'll grab you by the balls before you even realise."
Liam shook his head and held his hand up. "Nope, I'm not interested. It's too much crap. I wasn't even in the relationship, and I've been under enough stress to land me in hospital. Even when Sophie has a lover's spat thing with Ethan, she's stressed out to the max. My right hand still seems to do the trick, and it doesn't cause me any stress. It's not like any of my other brothers are married. It seems to work for them."
Tom spread his hands in surrender. "Alright, alright. It's just me that's fucked up then." He gave Liam a smile, but as he sunk back against the pillows he couldn't help but think even if he didn't feel guilt over the idea of sleeping with someone else after Stuart, he really wasn't sure he could go back to how his life used to be.
Word Count | 6,044
His mind inevitably turned to Joe, and he just stared blankly at the plush, expensive champagne coloured carpet of the equally plush, expensive spare room of Sophie and Ethan's apartment. Even the bedside lamp probably cost more than Liam's university tuition. It felt like he was staying in a five star hotel, and all it was missing was a mini bar. But it was a warm room, comfortable, with a large bed that felt like it was hugging him. It was probably why he managed to go out like a light and sleep for awhile without waking. The clock told him it was around eight at night now, so he had either slept for four hours or twenty eight hours. The latter really wouldn't surprise him. He tried not to let his mind linger on Joe, it just depressed him. He had a hint of horniness, but he had mostly taken care of it before he fell asleep with a quick hand down the jocks and nothing overly satisfying. He had been too exhausted, and only tossed off so he could go out in favoured position of lying on his belly. It was hard to be a belly-sleeper with a raging hard-on. He was sort of half-heartedly, semi hard right now, but it was only morning wood. Morning wood in the evening, ironically. He used the toilet in the en suite attached to the room to take care of the issue and then pulled a t-shirt on over his purple pyjamas pants.
At the end of the day, he was still a little brother, and he found himself exiting the room to go on search of his big sister for a hug. So what if he was needy? He felt like crap, and needed a Soph hug. But he found a note tucked under the door explaining to him that she and Ethan had just ducked out for a quick dinner so she didn't have to cook, and for him to text her if he wanted her to bring anything back for him to eat. He just scrunched his nose up a little, figuring a bit of toast and a cup of tea was safer the way his gut was churning. He was rubbing his palm over it as he shuffled tiredly into the living room, only to freeze to an abrupt stop when he found Tom lying on the large sofa with a mound of pillows, lethargically channel surfing on the big TV with the remote. "What-" was all he got out before he snapped his mouth shut and took a couple of steps back, figuring it was just safer to bugger the hell off after everything.
Tom was more than aware of the fact Liam was staying in the apartment. His knuckles also still hurt from when he'd punched Ethan in the face for trying to make him stay with them. He hadn't been able to stop himself. The two best mates had found themselves in a heated argument as a result of frayed nerves, and built up tension. Neither of them could release it through comfort sex with Ethan agreeing to a mutual cut off with Sophie, and Tom being cut off by default due to his break up with Stuart. He couldn't even be arsed trying to jerk off which sucked more than anything.
He figured it was probably due to the fact most of the fantasies he'd been using lately all centered around Stu and now that just seemed in poor taste to use, and the idea of random cocks and arses from some gay porn just didn't cut it. He couldn't exactly use Liam either now that that little cat was out of the bag, and the guilt just started to eat him alive again.
Speaking of the devil, Tom dragged his gaze away from the TV to briefly acknowledge Liam's sudden appearance before he just went back to staring at the idiot box. Maybe if he just kept his mouth shut he couldn't get in any more trouble, but then if he and Liam didn't speak, he'd be losing out on a friendship that had come to mean a lot to him. He managed to get himself into a sitting position before he looked at Liam again. "Blame your brother-in-law. I guess both of us need sitters right now."
For a long few moments, Liam just stood there with his mouth shut. It was like he had to stay there so his brain could work because it wouldn't function if he had to focus on something like walking at the same time. His hand curled around a palmful of his t-shirt, scratching his belly through the fabric as he used his other hand to rake through his sleep-messy blond hair. Both actions were subconscious, and at first he just locked eyes on Tom before he looked away, still trying to figure out what the hell he was supposed to do or say. But his legs were tired, just like the rest of him, and he just moved to perch stiffly on the edge of the closest leather recliner, wishing that it didn't actually make a fart noise when he sat on it. With four brothers, a fart noise on a leather seat at any other time would be an hilarious occurence, but this time, it just ended up making Liam sit even more stiffly. "You didn't go to dinner with them," he finally settled on in a small mumble, as his eyes flicked back to Tom.
There was a brief moment where Tom might have actually smiled, but he didn't. He bit it back because he was more worried about the laughter increasing the tension than breaking it. "No, I didn't. I'm not hungry. I don't feel like going out. I don't exactly want to do much of anything. Only there's things I know I have to do, and I'm trying to work out if I have the energy to start organising them." He kept watching Liam, his gaze flicking over the younger man. "Feeling any better?"
He wasn't entirely sure how he managed it, but Liam just shrugged, nodded and shook his head all at the same time while making a small noise that didn't really indicate anything either way. "I just... I... he..." he stammered and then stopped, shoulders slumping as he swallowed and wondered if it was even a good idea bringing up anything that happened. "Probably nothing that can't wait, anyway," he replied and put his thumb up to his mouth to chew nervously on the edge of his thumb nail. It was hard to believe they were once so comfortable and at ease with each other in the past. Now he just felt like his very presence would screw Tom over even worse. "I'm sorry I fucked everything up. I tried saying something to him, but he... he... can't really blame him. It doesn't matter how I'm feeling. You're the one that needs taking care of. Just not by me."
Tom frowned deeply as he leaned forward, elbows braced on his knees under the blankets. "Stop it. Stop it right now, Liam. You're not to blame for this. None of this is your fault, so don't you dare try and carry the blame. Or guilt, or anything else. This is entirely on me. I never told Stuart about us. I stupidly kept a fucking homemade porn collection for Christ's sake... One that anyone could have stumbled across, and did, and he saw us on DVD. All before finding out from Gus what had happened. Yeah, it was fucked up, but you didn't fuck it up. You were doing the right thing, and it was just bad timing on Jess' part. Not that she's to blame either... This is all about me and my past. Please, just don't feel like you're doing anything wrong."
Liam held his hand up. "No. No..." He shook his head for emphasis. "This was my sister. My sister! Do you think she would have thought what she did if I wasn't like I was? If I was like Sophie or... or anyone else who doesn't have sex for a hobby? It was my own sister, and now she... she won't even talk to me!" Tears welled up and spilled over before he had a chance to realise his emotions had exploded again and he swiped them away with his fingertips in annoyance. "You think I'm not gonna feel guilt? Feel bad that all this hurt you? Hurt Stuart? Then you're fucked in the head! I can't stop thinking about it. Everytime I try to help someone it just fucks up and blows up in my face. It's not all about you and your past, it's about me and mine, too. The fact my own sister thinks I'm a slut and capable of doing something like sucking a practically married guy's cock in an unlocked office. If I'm not doing anything wrong, then what the hell am I doing right?" he asked, throwing his hands up helplessly.
Tom pushed the covers off, and disentangled himself from the sofa so he could reach Liam and pull the younger man up into a hug. He wrapped his arms around Liam and rubbed his back as he felt a lump in his own throat begin to grow. It was insane just how many parallels existed between him and the baby Morgan, but they were there. Maybe it was why Tom could so easily form a bond with him. He also just knew that if he and Liam had ever tried exclusive then they would have torn each other to pieces. It was impossible to date yourself, and not implode. "You're a good doctor in training, Li. You're a good friend. Despite what you think, I know you're a good brother. You were looking after Sophie when you came to my office, remember?"
Liam hadn't remembered. In fact, only now it came back to him, why he had even been there in the first place. It was to help Soph, try and get Ethan to stop acting like a cock and just tell her what was going on so they didn't have tension between them. He didn't think anyone should have tension between them so soon after being married. It had all just seemed so insignificant and stupid after the shit hit the fan and another relationship was going down the shitter. The fact he couldn't seem to control himself bursting into tears showed how much he was frayed, this whole thing had knocked him for a six. Not just his own personality, but now he was questioning his professional capabilities too. He had come to work two jobs, and was still studying. He was used to burning the candle at both ends, but it just seemed it was impossible to cope with when he was crushed under a mountain of emotional stress. He didn't want to make the situation worse, or more painful, but once he was in the hug, he didn't try to pull out of it. Maybe that was exactly what he needed. The thing about he and Tom being the same, was that Tom was never one to accuse him of being a slut. Not that his family did, either, until now. "Stuart didn't want me near him," he sobbed, realising that actually cut deeper than he first thought. "And I couldn't even help Sophie when it all exploded, now I can hardly even remember what I was trying to do. I can't even remember what day it is!"
"Don't ask me what day it is, but the rest of it I can sort of remember. You didn't want Ethan keeping assumed pussy secrets. And you know what? Stuart didn't want me near him either, but I ignored him. At least up until we broke up. Now I'm voluntarily staying away, and I know Ethan was love to give me a love smack in return for it, but right now he's the one with the bruise." Tom sighed as he rest his chin on the top of Liam's head and let his eyes fall closed. Truth was he probably needed the hug as much as Liam. He wasn't sure if anyone had hugged the young man yet. At least Tom had had Ethan hug him outside the hospital. "You really didn't do anything wrong, Liam. You're innocent. You'll feel better once you talk to Jess, and maybe even once you talk to Stuart again. He can't keep you away now he knows the truth."
Liam found himself curling up against Tom's chest, maybe hoping he could hide from the whole world there. Trying to disappear at the end of the bed didn't work. No matter what all happened, he still trusted Tom, and they still had some sort of bond. It was never romantic, it was just affectionate. They got each other, and Tom was the one that probably stopped Liam getting too far into trouble in the world of homosexuality in London. Liam was still only young. When Ethan came into Sophie's life with Tom in tow, he was late teens and finding his feet... loving every single minute of sex and not being able to get enough. Tom told him the better places to hang out, and what to watch out for so he didn't find himself raped or beaten up some place. "I couldn't do anything once he told me not to. He told me he would ruin my career if I even went closer to him and didn't leave. He was my patient, I had to do what he asked. It's different for you. You should've done what you did, whatever it was. At least you tried. He loves you, you know. To do that damage to his fingers and wrist, he hit pretty hard. Jess is... I dunno, I'm not sure I can look at her. Look at anyone right now."
Tom's hand paused in the act of rubbing Liam's back, and he was once again hit with the awkward feeling that came with knowing he no longer wore an engagement ring on his finger. It was scary just how right it had felt there, and just how quickly Tom had adjusted to having it. He thought about Stuart's left hand. "Ethan said something similar," he murmured quietly, something niggling in the back of his mind. He had no idea if Stuart had been discharged or not, he assumed it would be soon. It wasn't like they were going to keep in hospital forever with a smashed up hand. He just didn't know where he'd go. Iain's was the safest bet. "Doesn't mean every patient will ask the same thing of you. You need to try. The same as I do. Facing your sister right now actually has me worried. I'm not sure if she'll quit over all this, or not. I don't even know how she'll react to hearing the truth. So just start with being able to look at me. Look at Ethan. Look at Sophie. They're your family. They love you."
"Yeah... Stuart's right-handed. He hit the wall with his left, the hand with your ring. I figure he saw it, got really upset and just exploded. The only thing was, according to his medical records, he wouldn't let Casualty cut it off him. He said they could cut his finger off first." Liam had assumed Tom would've deduced this, not that he would blame him for not. It wasn't like he would've had much time to talk to Stuart about the actual injury, maybe didn't even notice it wasn't his prominent hand. When all shit was piling up, you forgot to notice the little things. "I-I know. I know they wouldn't, but it was just... I don't know. I guess I feel like if I can't even help my own family, how am I supposed to manage to help anyone else's?" He frowned, though, pulling back so he could see Tom's face. "She's going to be more terrified you hate her, I know she will be. Once she knows this was a mistake and what it led to, she'll think you won't want to ever see her again."
Tom bit his lip as he looked away from Liam for a moment before meeting his gaze again. "Part of me wasn't sure if I wanted to," he admitted quietly. "Before Ethan talked sense into me. I just wasn't sure how I'd react if I saw her again. It's not... Yes, she saw something that probably really didn't expect, and because of my stupid wound it wasn't like either of us could run after her and correct her straight away... So it's not her fault. It really isn't. Maybe this was always going to happen regardless. The DVDs were always going to be there to be found. Us knowing each other was something we still hadn't revealed and one day it would have come out anyway. I don't hate her."
Liam pulled away and sat down, tucking a hand up under his shirt to nurse his stomach which was feeling crampy again. He gave a small nod and a shrug. He had given up trying to figure his sister out. It was her issue to sort out with Tom, not Liam's. He was angry enough at her himself to be trying to sort her work issues out. Either way, he decided he was never getting serious with anyone. It ended in too much shit. "That's not a stupid wound, it saved your life," was all he could think to say.
Tom retreated back to the sofa and pulled all the covers up so he was nestled in his protective cocoon again. "You're going to be a great doctor, Liam. Just have some confidence in your ability. Don't let this change that. Please." He looked over at him. "My life isn't worth much without Stuart."
Liam wasn't sure why Tom kept changing the subject. First Stuart, now his wound. It couldn't be healthy to bottle shit up like that. He watched him quietly, his tired blue eyes locked on Tom's face, but his expression mostly unreadable. "You should tell him that, when you have a bit of your strength back. You should give him as much info as you can to make him see that the past is nothing in comparison."
Tom wasn't so sure either why he was so willing to constantly change the subject. He just had it pinned on his newfound restlessness. He suddenly found him at a point in his life where he was forced to consider every little aspect, and work out what really was important to him. Ethan said he'd help Tom get some of his fight back, but only Tom was really capable of finding it. He would fight for Stuart if he thought there was a chance of getting him back, but the doubts were still plaguing Tom's mind. As for his wound, the accident really was something he still wasn't sure he was capable of dealing with. Not without Stuart. So much of his life now came back to the Scotsman. "What if we're past talking?"
"How can you be past something that you haven't even tried?" Liam threw back, still holding Tom's gaze intently. "Ethan told me you weren't in there long, and Stuart was pre-op. He'd be drugged up to his eyeballs on painkillers with an injury like that. He wouldn't have been capable of rationally talking to you for long. In fact, I'm thinking all that came through would be frayed emotions. Hurt, upset, fear. If you were in there screaming that you wanted to see him and stormed into his room, is it any wonder he told you he couldn't take any more? Maybe all he needed was silence and a hug."
Tom's head dropped into his hand and he just stared for a long moment at the blankets covering his knees. "They weren't going to let me through... Angus wasn't going to let me see him. Silence and a hug was impossible right then. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I couldn't have bollocked this up more if I tried, could I?"
"It doesn't matter. You did what you thought you had to. Next time, just stubbornly sit there until they let you. Prove to them you'd do anything for him. You do it for your clients, you stand up for them in court for hours pleading their case. Why aren't you pleading yours?" Liam asked him, holding his hands up for emphasis. "So what if the jury already had you guilty, you proved them wrong, didn't you? Just stop for a minute and think how you felt when you were recovering. Tired, sick, drained... like you couldn't face anymore, and even the smallest thing felt too much. Maybe that's where Stuart is right now. Fuck, I know I am... Give him a few days, let him hide away with his family and lick his wounds, but don't leave it at this. Just fucking don't, okay? Or you're going to ruin your life."
Tom pointed a finger at Liam. "That is why you'll be able to look after someone else's family. You're just as good at it as your big sister. Having her quality - probably a quality all Morgans have - is why you'll make it. I promise not to leave it like this, if you promise to talk to your sister. If she learns the truth, she's probably just as scared of you hating her as she is of me hating her."
Liam leaned forward so his elbows were on his knees and his long hair fell into his face. He just stared at his bare feet for a long time, things swirling through his brain, even if it was hard to really think on the straight and narrow. His bones and muscles felt tired, like something was weighing him down. Curling up into a ball and sleeping felt like it would be great right then, but he needed to try and eat a bit of something or he just wouldn't, and he would get into more shit. "If Stuart had just been your... casual fling, would you have told him you were sick?" he finally asked quietly, his voice a little hoarse and weak around the edges. "Or would you have not wanted him to see you like that?"
"I never would have told him," Tom admitted to Liam in a quiet tone. His gaze fixed on the other man again and he cleared his throat. "I would have kept it to myself. It's knowing that I wanted to tell Stuart, to be with Stuart when I felt shit... That made me realise it was different to anything else."
Liam noded, absorbing the information, even if his nose scrunched up just a little at the prospect of anything not casual. "Guess now it's the opposite. You wish he was here while you're feeling crap. Makes it worse knowing he's not. I used to feel like that about my family... until we all grew up, got kinda independent. You stop needing each other so much... people move away."
Tom smirked just a little bit. "You can be a terrible liar, Liam. It's okay to need your family. Even after you're grown up and more independent. No one's stopping you need them. But yeah, this is the part I'll never get used to now. Needing him and knowing he won't be here. Can't be here. Or I can't be there with him."
"I'm not lying, I'm evading. You should know the difference, lawyer man," Liam returned, raising an eyebrow a little. "I didn't say I didn't need them, I just took them to throw you off course of what I was really talking about. Remind me why I picked medicine over law again?" he added, pretending to preen just a little. "You can, you know. There's nothing stopping you sending him a text to just tell him you hope he's feeling okay and that the surgery went well. I don't know how it went, I doubt the Evans are going to be exactly forthcoming with info for us."
"Clearly my lawyerly mojo lies in my cock, and since that's not being seen to - I'm not in top form. So what are you really talking about? Is there someone you do want regular sex with? I think it had something to do with you looking hot in scrubs." Tom rolled his eyes lightly as he chuckled tiredly, but stopped when his eyes landed on his phone sitting on the coffee table. He reached out for it just as Liam suggested texting Stuart, and was already typing a message. He even included something about enjoying the flowers before he hit send. "It sucks being on the outside all of a sudden."
Liam gave a slight shrug. "I would offer, but you know, all things considered... wouldn't wanna throw up on you or anything." He pointedly avoided mentioning Stuart as the reason, it wasn't like it was something that Tom needed slammed in his face over and over. He would be doing an awful lot of thinking about that himself in the coming weeks, months... maybe even years. He watched Tom send the text, deciding that the way he did it so freely more than meant he had some sort of fight left in him. If he wasn't chasing the Scot by the end of the week, Liam would drag him there kicking and and screaming to do it, and he would bring in his whole family for back up, which was an extremely scary prospect. "There was something, with someone. One something. Only it was a really good something, and probably could be a regular something. But it's complicated. Just happens he was the one that appeared when everything hit the fan the other day, so I was in a state anyway. I told him what happened. He had no fucking clue how to help me, though," he said with a slight, amused laugh. "Still tried, though. To be honest, I dunno what I want. You're not technically on the outside, you know. Or you wouldn't be here with Ethan and Soph. He's always got your back."
"It's still not by Stuart's side," Tom returned as he set his phone down. He didn't know if he should expect any sort of reply so he made an effort not to keep staring at the thing and willing it to vibrate. He looked back at Liam and smirked. "I think the days of you helping me out are long gone, no offence. It wouldn't be right after... everything." Stuart was the reason foremost in his mind more than the idea of Liam throwing up on him. He raised his eyebrows with interest and nodded at Liam. "Maybe you should be sending a text of your own, love. Everything's complicated. Even the most simplest of relationships still have some form of complication involved, even if it's something like coordinating shagging around a kid like with Iain and his doctor. If he was there when you needed him, and he still tried to help even if he was clueless... I'd say it's a good something to go after."
"I know. But isn't the whole break up thing about who is there for you after it, just as much as who you're leaving behind?" It wasn't like Liam actually knew the logistics. His longest relationship had barely been a couple of months, and that had been in high school before he really discovered the true joys of sex. Since then, he hadn't had any other exclusive relationships. A lot of people around him were, and he mostly just witnessed them with a bewildered confusion. He couldn't see the outright appeal, even if they mostly looked happy in it. Until the shit exploded, and then it just looked down right horrible and did nothing to convince him of it. Even when Ethan had been trying to court Sophie, Liam had watched, highly amused by the whole thing. Of course his whole family knew who Ethan Williamson was. Most people in London would be aware of the name at some point. He just never got why someone with a reputation like Ethan would bend over backwards to pursue someone well away from his world like Sophie. No one ever expected him to persist, let alone Soph to finally fall for him. They made it look good, but Liam was still wondering about the appeal. Where was the thrill? "I don't want him to see me sick. And if only it was a complication like a kid. More like age and status, things that often can't be overcome."
Tom considered Liam quietly before he reached out again for the coffee table, only this time he picked up his glasses and not his phone. His eyes were getting tired again. Even if it had been Stuart to get him wearing them again, he wasn't about to go back to doing without. He wasn't that thick. His eyes were an issue he had control over. "Ethan and Soph might not have the age issue, but they've dealt with status pretty well. Me and Stuart had a little age difference, and it was never an issue. How bad is the age gap? I didn't want anyone seeing me sick, but you know what? Feels pretty fucking good having someone there when you feel shit and just have them hold you and not care. It's a big leap, but it's worth it. Trust me. Don't think about the shit."
Liam watched Tom put on the glasses with a small smirk. Tom looked hot with them without a doubt, but it was also no secret just how riled they got Stuart. He felt a wave of sadness inside at the thought that Tom and Stuart had split... they had been perfect together, not to mention hot. That's what had made Liam contemplate a relationship in more than just 'ew, marriage cooties' light. Now it was over. But he forced a smirk and cleared his throat. "When Ethan is Soph's professor, then we'll talk. He's older than Sophie. He's older than you, and older than Ethan."
"A professor? One of yours?" Tom still looked a little amused at the information and gave a shake of his head as he snorted. "Fuck me, Liam. You don't half know how to pick them, do you? Older means experience that's for sure. Unless you've stumbled across an academically gifted virgin professor. There's really nothing wrong with an age gap. Not really. Think of all the pretty young girls that hook up with older gents. This is no different. Just much, much more interesting with two gay men."
Liam flopped back in the seat and put his feet up on the coffee table. He was so slumped down, he was practically looking at Tom down the length of his body and over the top of his toes. "No, just a professor at the university. He's not mine directly. He was just... in a classroom one day, it's not really a secret of which way he swings, so I thought, what the fuck." He gave another small shrug. "He's fourteen years older than me. Definitely not a virgin, and definitely not an ugly fuck enough to be a sugar daddy. It's not like he's a grandpa. At least, I hope fucking not. We've not exactly swapped many personal details."
Tom shifted restlessly and dipped his hand under the blankets to adjust himself. He couldn't help it if he was thinking about Stuart and getting horny at inappropriate moments. "So you don't have his number? Alright, that's a definite hurdle. I realise faculty and students shouldn't exactly be getting it on, but if he's not your professor, and you've already broken the classroom taboo - why the fuck not? You only live once, Liam."
Liam looked at Tom evenly, his lips pressed together slightly. "Why the fuck not? Because I'm not going to be the cause of ruining anymore lives, that's why the fuck not."
Tom rubbed his hand over his hair. "You're not the cause of ruining any lives, Liam. You were stuck in the middle of it all. It's me who's ruined your life."
"My life's not ruined. I haven't gotten into anything deep enough for it to get ruined. Self-preservation is a fine thing. And to be honest, after the last few days? I'm not in any hurry to get into anything deep for the rest of my life." Liam took one of the plush pillows and hugged it across his chest, his chin resting on the edge of it. "You ruined your own life, and you'll keep doing it if you let Stuart walk out of your life. You were like me once, but now you've had a taste of it and met the one, there's no going back. You try sleeping with someone else, you'll just think you're cheating on Stuart. Hell, you try wanking and you'll feel a bit like that."
"Don't I know it," Tom mumbled with a wry smile. "My cock's stuffed. Can't even be happy with a quick toss. I'm not going to let him walk out. I'm not. I just need a little time to get my shit together. If I go after him like this I'm pretty sure I'll just do more than shove my foot in my mouth, or count my chickens, or whatever's fucking appropriate right now. Just don't write off the deep, love. Sometimes it'll grab you by the balls before you even realise."
Liam shook his head and held his hand up. "Nope, I'm not interested. It's too much crap. I wasn't even in the relationship, and I've been under enough stress to land me in hospital. Even when Sophie has a lover's spat thing with Ethan, she's stressed out to the max. My right hand still seems to do the trick, and it doesn't cause me any stress. It's not like any of my other brothers are married. It seems to work for them."
Tom spread his hands in surrender. "Alright, alright. It's just me that's fucked up then." He gave Liam a smile, but as he sunk back against the pillows he couldn't help but think even if he didn't feel guilt over the idea of sleeping with someone else after Stuart, he really wasn't sure he could go back to how his life used to be.
Word Count | 6,044