I Would Take A Whisper (If That's All You Had To Give) - (1/9)
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If Eduardo has learnt anything from what happened with Facebook, it’s that life is as far from simple as you can get. When you’re growing up all you think about is what you’re going to do when you’re older, what you’re going to have, who you’re going to be. You think about what you might look like and who you might know and every single one of those thoughts starts with ‘when I’m older I’ll...’. But when are you older? When is the time when all those thoughts should be reality instead of speculation? College? You spend your childhood imagining it, planning for it and then when it gets there you expect everything to change and your life to start.
Well perhaps that was Eduardo’s problem. Because his life did start in college and he did begin to be the person he’d always planned. He made some great friends and he got punched by a Final Club and he became a part of something huge that he just knew would complete his transition from ‘when I’m older’ to...well, being older. Eduardo never had the realisation that other people have that perhaps would have softened the blow. He never saw that for most people, plans you make when you are little are almost never fulfilled and that what you saw yourself doing by the time you were 20 is almost never reality.
No, for Eduardo his childhood visions of being a successful businessman became truth before he’d even finished college and there was nothing to teach him that you cannot rely on childhood fantasies coming true. So when it all changed for him, when the rug was snatched from under his feet by his best friend, it hurt. He felt lost and confused and, for the first time in his life, completely without a plan.
And now? Well now Eduardo feels silly that he ever made a plan at all.
*
Rosalind Hughes-Moskovitz is a beautiful baby. She was born on June 11th with blonde hair and blue eyes that seemed to smile even before her mouth could. She cried as much as any baby cries but more than made up for it with a ready laugh as soon as she knew how. Rosalind Hughes-Moskovitz is a beautiful baby and Eduardo loved her the second she was born.
It’s hard to believe, Eduardo thinks as he sinks down onto his hotel couch with his laptop, that she’s been in this world a whole year already. He feels a little guilty; living in Singapore makes spending time with his goddaughter difficult and even with plenty of money and pretty flexible work hours, he doesn’t get to visit the Hughes-Moskovitz household as often as he would like.
He sighs and rubs a hand across his face as he waits for his emails to load. Life would be so much easier if his two best friends and their daughter didn’t live half way across the world in a city full of painful memories. Eduardo never liked Palo Alto much but now he hates it. Everything, even the perfectly nice hotel suite he is staying in, screams Sean Parker, .03%, you’re going to get left behind.
---
From: Dustin Moskovitz (dustinhughesmoskovitz@facebook.com)
To: Eduardo Saverin (eduardosaverin@gmail.com)
Subject: I MISS YOU ALREADYYYYYYY :(((((
Attached: Rosiewithhergoddaddies.jpeg
Hey man, it was soooo good to see u yesterday! U gotta stay for longer next time!!!
We thought u might like a copy of this. Just in case u forget her while ur so far away. Come back soon :(
P.S. Mark asked for a copy the moment u left just fyi
---
Eduardo’s heart twists in affection for Dustin and also a little in regret about how his absence obviously upsets his friends almost as much as it upsets him. He refuses to acknowledge the P.S. as another reason for his heart to feel heavy in his chest and opens the attached photograph.
*
“War-do!” Dustin crows as he pulls Eduardo into the house and hugs him enthusiastically, “Man, you made it!”
Eduardo hugs back. It’s only been a month since he last saw his friends but somehow it feels like much longer. Dustin takes his coat and bag and Eduardo suppresses a smile, making a mental note to ask Chris how long it took him to get Dustin to hang coats on the stand instead of throwing them on the banister.
When he’s ushered into the large living room the first thing he notices is how much the room looks like a unicorn vomited all over the walls. The second thing he notices is Chris grimacing in acknowledgement as he stands to give him a quick hug, “Don’t mention the decorations, I beg you. Talking Dustin out of them turned out to be an impossible task.”
“But it’s her birthday! Her first one ever!” Dustin cries, and he bounds past Eduardo from the hallway into the room and scoops the one year old girl off the floor where she had been playing with some legos. “Guess who’s here, Rosie! Uncle Wardo! Can you say Wardo?”
Eduardo laughs and takes Rosalind from Dustin. “Has she even said daddy yet?” he asks, bopping her on the nose to illicit a high pitched giggle.
“No.” Dustin sighs. “I’d be happy with ‘Mommy’ to be honest. I just want a naaaaaaame!” and he flings an arm over his forehead as he slumps dramatically on the couch and Chris rolls his eyes affectionately. Eduardo feels a twinge of....something at the fond expression on Chris’s face and goes back to smiling warmly at Rosalind as she continues to giggle at his tickling fingers.
“You want a drink, man?” Chris asks.
“Uh, I’d love a coffee, if that’s alright?”
“Sure. Mark?”
And it wasn’t like Eduardo hadn’t known Mark was going to be there, and it wasn’t even that he hadn’t noticed him sitting quietly on the opposite couch, but a little bit of Eduardo’s brain had kind of been hoping that he could spend the day pretending Mark wasn’t even there. Which he is the first to admit is a rather childish attitude but hey, it had been working for all of the minute he’d been there. But now he can’t really get away with it.
Mark shakes his head and Chris leaves the room with a friendly clap to Eduardo’s shoulder as he passes and Eduardo meets Mark’s eyes.
“Mark.” he nods, not unfriendly but stiff and unpracticed. Mark nods back and looks away.
Before today, Eduardo has only seen Mark twice since they both signed the papers that ended the depositions. Both occasions had ended with one of them storming out. Eduardo is sincerely hoping that, for Rosalind’s sake, today will be different. When he catches sight of Dustin’s worried gaze flicking between the two of them, he hopes it for Dustin and Chris’s sake too.
“So you’re one today, huh, querida? One whole year? Why you’re practically a lady!” He bounces her on his hip. “Seriously, Dustin, she’s gotten so big!”
“I know, right?! She’s growing so fast I’m worried she’ll be gone before I know it!”
Eduardo kisses her forehead and places her back on the floor with her legos so he can take the coffee from Chris and sit, rather stiffly, on the couch next to Mark.
“Guys, honest to God, I swear it was only yesterday we were pacing around a hospital waiting room!”
“I know,” sighs Chris and he takes Dustin’s hand. They smile at each other and sometimes Eduardo wonders if he will ever have what they have. “One year old,” Dustin repeats, as if he can’t believe this is his life.
They all sit watching Rosalind for a while as she gets bored of her legos and crawls over to the pile of new toys in the corner of the room. Eduardo is just thinking about going to get his present from the hallway when Mark breaks the silence.
“How was your flight?”
Eduardo turns to stare at Mark, eyes wide. He can’t see but he is pretty sure Chris and Dustin just exchanged nervous looks over on their couch. Mark isn’t looking at Eduardo, instead watching Rosalind determinedly. Eduardo turns to watch her too.
“It was fine, thank you.”
“Good. Did you get any sleep?”
“Some.”
Mark nods as if it was a satisfactory answer and says no more. Eduardo shoots a questioning look at Chris and Dustin but they are studiously not looking in their direction. Eduardo swears he sees a small smile on Chris’s face though and Dustin almost definitely stifles one behind his hand before jumping up suddenly, “Who wants cake?!?!”
All in all, the day goes smoothly. Both Dustin and Chris’s parents arrive a little after three o’clock and they break out the cake again, Dustin singing ‘Happy Birthday’ way too loudly and slightly off key while Chris films the whole thing. Mark, for the most part, stays sitting on the couch smiling fondly down at Rosalind when she crawls over to tug on his jeans and Eduardo finds himself beginning to relax that last little bit. Chris and Dustin don’t seem to be able to stop smiling, all four grandparents are lovely and interesting and Rosalind is happy crawling between them all. And Mark? Well Mark isn’t making Eduardo want to smash something so he counts this as a success.
“You know, darling” sighs Chris’s mother happily, turning to her son, “she really does look more and more like you every time I see her.”
“I know, right?!” grins Dustin from where he’s sprawled on the couch, feeling ill from too much cake and looking over to where Rosalind is now sitting happily on Eduardo’s lap. “She’s going to be the prettiest girl in the world!”
Chris goes pink and Eduardo chuckles to himself at the fact that Dustin’s compliments still manage to make him blush. “Oh hush,” Chris admonishes. “She definitely has your smile.”
“That is genetically impossible,” says Mark from the other end of Eduardo’s couch and maybe it is because he is more relaxed than he’s been in a long time or maybe it is all the cake and brightly coloured decorations making him delirious, but Eduardo huffs a laugh.
Mark turns to look at him and Eduardo thinks he sees a look of pleasant surprise in Mark’s eyes and he definitely doesn’t miss the corners of Mark’s mouth turning up tentatively.
“I SENSE A PHOTO OPPORTUNITY!”
“Jesus, Dustin, we’re all in the same room! You do not need to shout!” Chris groans.
“Can’t help it! I’M HAVING CAKE INDUCED EXCITEMENT!”
“Well, a second ago you were having cake induced nausea and that was much more peaceful for the rest of us so do you think you could go back to that?”
“NEVER!” Dustin jumps up, disappearing briefly from the room before returning with what is probably a ridiculously expensive camera. “Okay, it is definitely time Rosie had a picture with her godfathers!”
There is a stunned silence. Nobody moves.
“Together,” Dustin continues, seemingly unperturbed by the sudden tension that has flooded the room.
After a few seconds of heavy silence, Eduardo is just opening his mouth to say something - he isn’t entirely sure what - when he startles. Mark is suddenly sitting right next to him, close enough that their arms touch ever so slightly and their knees bump just once, and Eduardo flinches away on pure instinct, turning to stare wide-eyed at Mark, who looks back with a glare which doesn’t quite manage to hide the flicker of hurt. Not from Eduardo. He used to know him too well.
“Wardoooo,” Dustin admonishes, breaking the audible silence in the room, “Come on man, lean in and smile! Birthdays are happy days!”
And God bless Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo thinks fondly, because just like that the room isn’t tense anymore and the grandparents are cooing over Rosalind’s face, Chris is smiling affectionately at how she sits happily against Eduardo’s chest and Dustin is pulling ridiculous faces from behind the camera to get Rosalind to laugh and clap her hands excitedly, and Eduardo? Eduardo relaxes and leans back into Mark, his arms wrapped around Rosalind’s waist to stop her from falling as she claps enthusiastically, and he laughs.
He can’t see for himself of course, but there are some things that dilutions and smashed laptops and arguments on rainy nights can’t change, so Eduardo feels, as he grins into the camera, that Mark is smiling too.
*
Eduardo sighs as he looks at the picture. All three of them are grinning, even Mark smiling widely enough to show teeth. If someone were to see this picture and not have a clue who they were, then they would call them happy. Two good friends posing with their goddaughter.
Eduardo doesn’t let himself think about how that could have been true in a different life and closes the photo. The smiles hadn’t lasted long after the picture had been taken. Eduardo had leaned away from Mark the minute Dustin lowered the camera and gotten up under the pretence of handing Rosalind over to Grandma Hughes. He still wasn’t sure if he’d imagined Mark’s quiet sigh but he had seen the sad and verging on exasperated look on Chris’s face.
Eduardo startles from his thoughts when his phone starts to ring shrilly on the arm of the couch and he briefly considers ignoring it when he doesn’t recognise the number. But then again, it really isn’t interrupting anything other than his thoughts and frankly, Eduardo needs those interrupting.
“Hello?” he answers, trying to sound polite and not as tired as he feels.
“Mr. Saverin?”
“Yes.”
“Mr. Eduardo Saverin?”
“Yes, that’s me.” Eduardo sits up a little straighter, the serious female voice making him nervous.
“My name is Dr. Lucy Barton, I’m a doctor here at St. Mary’s Hospital.”
Eduardo’s heart sinks.
“There’s really no easy way to say this, Mr. Saverin, but there’s been an accident. Your friends, Christopher
Hughes and Dustin Moskovitz, were in a car accident earlier this evening. I have since discovered they were on their way back from a dinner and were hit by a drunk driver.”
Eduardo is shaking. He grips the phone hard enough to hurt, “Jesus. Are they - oh God - just tell me.”
“Mr Moskovitz was unresponsive and paramedics pronounced him when we found them and Mr Hughes was unconscious. We rushed him to the ICU but he passed away shortly afterwards. There was nothing we could do.” She pauses. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Saverin.”
There’s this weird feeling that you get when someone tells you something like this. Like you didn’t really hear it and in a second you’re going to hear what was actually said. It’s like when you listen to an album over and over again and you get used to one song being followed by this other song every time, and then one time you hear the first song on the radio or something and when it ends you expect to hear the opening bars of the song that normally follows it, but you don’t. You hear a completely different song start to play, and it is jarring for a second, wrong. You feel, just for a moment, as if you merely heard wrong, and the song you were expecting will start any second now.
That’s what Eduardo feels like. Dustin and Chris aren’t dead. How could that possibly be true? This kind of thing happens to other people, not to Eduardo, not to them. It is the kind of thing that you hear about in the news or in stories. Not in real life. This doesn’t happen in real life.
“Mr. Saverin?”
“Their daughter.” Eduardo’s voice sounds weirdly detached, as if he’s listening to it from a different body. “Their little girl, was she - “
“She wasn’t in the car. She was with a babysitter and has now been taken to social services for the night.”
Eduardo breathes a little easier. But not much.
“Mr. Saverin...Eduardo, it would probably be best if you weren’t alone right now. I’ve said the same to Mr. Zuckerberg - “
“Mark? You’ve spoken to him?”
“Yes, he was their emergency contact and arrived here about fifteen minutes ago. He was the one who told me to call you. He said he couldn’t do it himself.”
“Is he...is he okay?” Eduardo’s voice is beginning to crack.
“I think he would be better if he had someone with him,” the doctor says with a soft voice. “As would you.”
Eduardo closes his eyes and tries to swallow away the burning in his throat. “Yes. Yes, I’ll...I’ll be right there. Thank you.”
He hangs up before she can say anything else.
Eduardo drives to the hospital with such focus that he doesn’t really have time to think. He directs all his concentration at the road and grips the steering wheel hard enough to turn his knuckles white. He doesn’t think as he parks and he doesn’t think as he walks quickly through the doors.
The hospital is mostly empty. There is a receptionist looking tired behind a desk on the far side of the lobby and he starts in her direction but is stopped by a quiet voice.
“Wardo.”
Eduardo spins around. Mark is the only other person in the room, standing hunched to the side of the door Eduardo just came through, clearly waiting for him with his hands stuffed into his grey hoodie pockets. His eyes are red rimmed and locked with Eduardo’s, for once not a trace of defiance or coldness or anything at all other than a plea for Eduardo to make this better.
It nearly breaks Eduardo’s heart.
Eduardo doesn’t say a word. Instead he walks over to where Mark is standing and without a single thought, wraps his arms tightly around him. Mark’s arms come instantly around his shoulders and Eduardo can feel him shaking as he presses his face into the space between Eduardo’s neck and shoulder. For the first time since the phone call, Eduardo doesn’t swallow down his tears.
It’s weird how trivial your own problems can look when something like this happens and it’s weird how two people with so much between them can forget, if just for one moment, that they ever stopped being best friends at all.
*
It’s well past midnight by the time they pull into Dustin and Chris’s driveway. The car ride had been absolutely silent and this doesn’t change as Mark lets them in using his key. They stand in the hallway, neither really knowing what to say as they look around at the house which yesterday had been full of laughter. Eduardo can see that the hideous birthday decorations are still up in the living room.
Lucy, the doctor who had called Eduardo, had found them sometime after Eduardo had arrived and explained to them how social services were going to call the house in the morning and that they should be there to get the call. She explained to Eduardo about how unlikely it was that either Chris or Dustin felt a thing but he hadn’t really heard a word of it.
“You wanna take the guest bedroom?” Mark asks quietly.
“They have two don’t they?”
“Only one of them is made up. You take it.”
“Mark.”
“Just go. I’ll sleep on the couch.”
Mark disappears into the living room and Eduardo considers following for a second, a bit of him not wanting to be alone with his thoughts just yet. But he doesn’t. He gets into bed without even taking off his jacket and tries not to think of anything until he passes out.
*
It is an absolutely beautiful day and Eduardo wonders if somehow, with all their millions, Chris and Dustin have found a way to pay for excellent weather.
The ceremony itself had been small and intimate but the reception promises to be completely the opposite as Eduardo turns the corner into the large green and sees hundreds of candlelit tables and a huge gazebo covering a dance floor. It is a lovely sight and Eduardo smiles to himself when he sees that the colour scheme is a simple and classy Champagne. It looks like Chris won that battle.
Soon enough the tables are full of guests and everyone is tearful over the first dance. It really is the perfect evening and Eduardo couldn’t be happier for his best friends.
Except that, for Eduardo, it really isn’t a perfect evening at all.
It’s been just under a year since the depositions ended and Eduardo hasn’t seen Mark since. Until now. Both Dustin and Chris had made it clear that they would understand if Eduardo hadn’t wanted to come today but how could Eduardo ever be that person? He wasn’t going to miss out on their wedding just because of some arrogant asshole who stabbed him in the back years ago. He fully intends to go about his evening as if Mark isn’t there and seeing as they didn’t exchange so much as a nod of recognition throughout the ceremony, he hopes that Mark has the same idea.
Except it turns out he doesn’t. The reception is a few hours in and Eduardo is talking to a pretty blonde at his table when he hears someone sit down in the chair to his left.
He freezes when he sees who it is. Mark doesn’t look any different to the last time he saw him. In fact, his white shirt and black tie are probably the same ones he was wearing that last day of the depositions and this makes it even more jarring for Eduardo to see. He almost fears that he’ll find the same blank look in Mark’s eyes.
But he doesn’t. Mark’s eyes are clear and open and if Eduardo didn’t know that Mark fidgets with his hands when he’s nervous, he would think that he were completely at ease.
“Hi,” he says and Eduardo wonders if maybe he hit his head on something earlier without realising.
“Oh hi!” says the blonde girl from Eduardo’s right, “You’re Mark Zuckerberg!”
Mark ignores her.
“Eduardo. How are you?”
Eduardo kind of wants to punch him. How is he? He’s living half way across the world to try and escape the memories of being betrayed while also working hard every day to try and win back his Father’s respect. How is he?
He turns away from Mark and offers his hand to the girl.
“Would you like to dance?”
“Sure!” She smiles coyly and flips her hair over her shoulder before taking his hand and following him to the dance floor.
Eduardo deliberately isn’t watching but he still sees Mark down the rest of his drink, mutter something to Chris and then leave.
*
Eduardo wakes up from a fitful sleep and it takes him a few minutes to really take in where he is and why.
He sighs and looks at the clock beside the bed. 7.05. Might as well get up. He won’t be able to go back to sleep now.
He steps into the shower and turns on the water as hot as it will go and only remembers half way through that he left all his things at the hotel. He’ll have to go and get them later. He changes into yesterday’s suit and towels his hair dry half-heartedly before taking a breath and going downstairs.
Mark is sitting upright on the sofa, fingers flying over a keyboard.
“Is that Dustin’s?” Eduardo asks, voice hoarse from sleep.
Mark startles slightly and stops typing to look round at Eduardo. “No, mine. I couldn’t sleep so I drove over to my place to get it. I got your bag from your hotel, too.”
He gestures towards the suitcase in the corner and goes back to typing. Eduardo wants to thank him, but he can’t quite find the words.
He is spared by the sharp sound of the phone ringing. He almost drops it in his haste to answer and Mark is by his side in an instant, laptop forgotten on the coffee table.
“Hello?”
“Hello. Is this Mr. Zuckerberg or Mr. Saverin?”
“Mr. Saverin. Mr. Zuckerberg is here too.”
“Good. I’m Hannah from Social Services, I was told one or both of you would be available to pick Rosalind up this morning?”
“Yes! Yes, of course! We’ll be right there!”
“Excellent. You should also know that her parents’ lawyer will be along to visit the both of you at their house later this morning to discuss what happens next.”
Eduardo swallows, “OK. Thank you.”
“No problem. And, um...I’m really sorry, Mr. Saverin.”
Eduardo tries to reply but can’t, so he hangs up.
He turns around and Mark is standing so close they are almost touching. Eduardo steps back.
“We can go-“
“I heard. Let’s go.”
*
No one really wanted to talk to them when they got to social services. It seemed as if no one really knew what to say that wouldn’t sound trite and meaningless, so they just didn’t say anything. Eduardo had tried to ignore the pitying gazes as he signed his name and showed ID and Mark had been averting his gaze too. When Rosalind was brought out into the lobby, Mark had surged forward and hugged her tight to his chest, kissing her forehead and stroking her hair, muttering something Eduardo couldn’t hear. They had driven home in silence again.
Now Eduardo is filling the kettle and trying not to think about what the lawyers are going to say. What did Chris and Dustin want for Rosalind? A foster home maybe? Adoption? Would Mark and Eduardo still be allowed to be part of her life? Mark hadn’t let her out of his arms since they collected her and Eduardo thinks that maybe he isn’t alone in these thoughts.
He sits down on the couch next to Mark and hands him a coffee. Mark shakes his head.
“Mark, you didn’t sleep. You have to drink this.”
It’s painfully reminiscent of college, when Mark would forget to sleep and Eduardo would find him the next day, almost passed out over his computer. He pushes that thought away though, and forces the mug into Mark’s hand.
Rosalind crawls off Mark’s lap while he takes a reluctant sip and makes grabby hands at Eduardo. Eduardo lifts her so she can wrap her tiny arms around his neck and sighs into her hair.
“Hey,” he says suddenly, “the decorations are gone!”
“Yeah,” says Mark, the barest hint of a bitter smirk on his face. “They didn’t help the insomnia.”
Eduardo smiles weakly but sitting in this house just makes everything worse. Just two days ago, Dustin had been bouncing around putting up multicoloured banners around the room for his daughter, who he thought he’d watch grow into a beautiful woman one day, and Chris had been rolling his eyes affectionately from a now empty couch. It isn’t fair. Not one bit.
When the doorbell rings, Mark is back on his laptop and Eduardo is sitting on the floor with Rosalind. They both leap up abruptly and Mark goes to open the door as Eduardo scoops Rosalind up and follows him into the hallway.
To their surprise, it isn’t just Chris and Dustin’s lawyer at the door but also two other people who, frankly, Eduardo had hoped he wouldn’t have to see again so soon.
Sy and Gretchen do not look happy. In fact, they have the faces of two people whose jobs have just got about ten times harder than they previously had been and Eduardo becomes instantly nervous. He knows they signed a non-disclosure agreement but do they really expect one of them to step away from Rosalind’s life? Are they here to make them decide which one gets to remain godfather or something? Eduardo feels himself readying for a fight already and no one has even said a word. He holds Rosalind just a little bit tighter.
“Mr Saverin, Mr Zuckerberg, my name is Mr Jonas Mellor. May I come in?”
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