I Would Take A Whisper (If That's All You Had To Give) - (8/9)
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Eduardo settles on the couch later that afternoon and pulls his laptop out of its bag while Rosalind watches whatever brightly coloured cartoon is playing. It makes the slow whirring sound of a laptop starting up and Rosalind turns around.
“Facebook,” she says, pointing at the computer and, even though it really came out something like ‘fay-boo’, Eduardo bursts into laughter.
“Oh, querida, no way did you just say that.”
“Facebook,” she repeats happily and Eduardo laughs again.
“Oh, you are so doomed. Mark is gonna try and turn you into mini-CEO.”
“Yeah,” she says inanely and turns back towards the television. Eduardo chuckles again and reaches for his phone. There is no way he can wait for Mark to get home for this.
His phone starts ringing in his hand before he can hit the speed dial for Mark’s number and he freezes when he sees the caller.
Shit.
He leaves the room quietly, shutting the door so that Rosalind is out of earshot and then takes a deep breath and accepts the call. He brings the phone to his ear slowly and exhales.
“Father.”
*
Eduardo doesn’t hear Mark come in at first and it means that he plasters the smile onto his face a fraction too late. Mark narrows his eyes almost instantly.
“What?” he asks, not even bothering with a hello.
“Nothing.” Eduardo shrugs, trying to sound confused at Mark’s concern but probably failing at nonchalance just as epically as Mark did back in the office.
“Wardo, what’ wrong?” Mark asks again, eyes hard and searching from the living room doorway.
“Nothing, Mark! Honestly, everything’s fine!” he stands and smiles weakly at him.
“Bullshit,” Mark says fiercely.
“Mark!” Eduardo reprimands, “Rosie is right there!”
“So stop lying,” Mark’s eyes are dark and his shoulders are tense and it’s a far cry from the Mark Eduardo had open and whimpering a few hours ago. He’s guarded, angry, defensive and Eduardo does not like where this is going.
“Mark, I’m not - “
“Have you changed your mind again? Is that what this is about?”
“What? No! Well...I mean...I, look - “
Mark snorts, mirthlessly, “Forget it,” he spits out and whirls around, striding from the room. Eduardo swears quietly to himself in Portuguese and follows him out the room, shutting the living room door behind him.
“Mark, wait,” he says and Mark turns where he stands in the hallway, hands shoved into his pockets and face stormy, “I haven’t changed my mind, okay? I still want to have dinner later. Just us.”
“You know, Wardo,” Mark says, apparently ignoring Eduardo completely, “I realise that I’m the one who fucked up last time, okay? I know that. But what I also realise, which apparently you don’t, is that the main problem that lead to everything going to shit was that we were stupid assholes that didn’t communicate. We didn’t talk to each other, Eduardo and I’m trying to fucking change that but you don’t seem to be trying at all. You say you want to fix this and that you need time to work it out or whatever but that process would move a lot faster if you stopped doing exactly what you did last time.” His voice had gotten progressively louder and Eduardo is getting annoyed.
“You think I’m not trying?” he asks, affronted, “Mark, I said nothing was wrong because I didn’t want it to become a big deal. It wasn’t anything about you and me, okay?” Mark scoffs and Eduardo wants to hit him. “Not everything is about you, Mark!”
“So what was it about then?”
“Fine, you wanna know so badly? My father called.” Mark’s face shifts slightly but he doesn’t move. “He said he saw the interview we did and didn’t approve of me dropping my life in Singapore and going, his words, ‘crawling back to that Zuckerberg boy’. He told me that I was to sign over full custody of Rosalind to you and go back to Singapore where he has made arrangements for me to reclaim my old office and apartment.”
There’s a beat of silence and then, “What did you say?” Mark asks, his voice forcedly level but vibrating with anger or fear or hell, Eduardo doesn’t even know anymore.
“Jesus, Mark, what do you think I said?”
“Well you know what, Wardo, I have no fucking idea.”
“What, you think I’d just drop you guys like that?” Eduardo can’t believe what he’s hearing.
“Well why not?!” Mark’s voice is suddenly loud, almost a shout and Eduardo flinches minutely at the abruptness of it, “You know, ever since this started you’ve been dying to get out.”
“What?!” Eduardo’s voice is high and incredulous, “Are you serious? Mark, I have changed my whole fucking life around! I moved to a city that held only bad memories, to a man that, at the time, I was furious with, to take care of a child that I was not ready for!”
“Oh what and you think I was ready?” Mark’s words are coming out spitfire fast in frustration. “You wanted kids! Okay? You did! You always said so in college and me? I never thought I would find anyone, who I could realistically have, that I actually wanted kids with. I never even considered it, Wardo; it wasn’t on the cards for me! But it happened, we’re parents now and I understand that this isn’t how you wanted it, okay I get that you wanted it to be with someone that you love but it happened like this and I’m sorry I’m not whoever you pictured in your head but you and I have a daughter now, okay? We have a daughter. And I understand that but I don’t think you fucking do.”
“Of course I do!” Eduardo is shouting now.
“Yeah?” Mark’s voice is dangerous and challenging. “Have you ever referred to Rosalind as your daughter? When people in the store or at the park ask if she’s yours do you say yes?” Eduardo opens his mouth but Mark spits out “Like hell you do,” before he can even decide what he was going to say. “I get it. You didn’t want this. You didn’t want her and you didn’t want me. So maybe you should go back to Singapore.”
Eduardo splutters slightly, “Jesus Christ, Mark, you are being ridiculous! I said I didn’t want to be here, past tense, not that I don’t want to be here now! Mark, I love Rosalind. I’m not pretending.”
Mark huffs another mirthless, cruel laugh and shakes his head. “You’re not pretending with Rosalind?” he asks, almost mocking.
“Of course I’m fucking not!”
Eduardo doesn’t know what the hell is going on or why Mark is suddenly quite so furious or why he just saw something crumble behind Mark’s eyes.
“Okay,” Mark says, voice the same forced attempt at level as it was earlier, “so just me then.”
He doesn’t say it like a question and it hits Eduardo like a bucket of ice-cold water.
“Mark,” he says, quietly now. “Mark, that’s not what I meant.”
“Yeah well that’s what it sounded like,” Mark snaps and those cracks in his shell, those ones that were so close to bursting, are creaking with the effort of not letting go and for a crazy moment Eduardo thinks he can see Mark clinging desperately to the hope of Eduardo; those thin threads keeping the seams from splitting entirely; trying to keep it from slipping away.
“Mark, you’re being - “
“Ridiculous? Yes, you said that already.”
“Mark.” Why must he always make things so difficult? “This is why I wasn’t going to tell you. You’re making a big deal out of this when it shouldn’t be! I told him no, Mark! Jesus, of course I told him no. He was mad. He shouted at me and said some things...but I said no.”
“You said no.”
“Yes.”
“Straight away?”
“What?” Eduardo asks and he’s so tired of arguing with Mark.
“I mean did you consider it first?”
“What do you mean did I - “
“I don’t think I was being particularly cryptic with my meaning so I’m assuming your deliberate obtuseness means that you considered agreeing before saying no. Am I wrong?”
Eduardo can see how desperately Mark wants him to say yes and Eduardo almost laughs at the irony of Mark begging to be wrong but he’s mad. Mark makes him mad.
“You know what, Mark? Yes. I considered it. My father is a hard man to say no to and my whole life was there for three years before I had to leave with absolutely no warning. So yeah, I considered it. For about a second. And then I remembered you and Rosie and I stopped considering it! Mark,” he barks, trying to get Mark to understand, “I stopped considering it.”
“Yeah well don’t do me any favours,” Mark spits out.
Eduardo curls his hands into fists and takes a deep breath. He refuses to smash anything.
“What is this all about?” he asks instead, voice quieter and eyes fixed on Mark’s. “I’ve told you that I don’t want to leave and I’ve told you that I love Rosalind. I’m sorry if I’ve found it harder than you to accept that my best friends aren’t coming back but I don’t think it is unreasonable to need some time before I can start thinking of my goddaughter as my actual daughter! Jesus, Mark, it’s hardly been a month!”
“Fuck you,” Mark says, fury lacing every single consonant and hurt shining unashamedly from his eyes. “You think I’m some kind of fucking robot who doesn’t give a shit? Fuck you.” His voice is cracking and Eduardo doesn’t know if it’s the fury or the hurt slipping through the fractures in his guard. He thinks it’s probably both. “You love Rosalind? Fine. I’m sure we can figure out a joint custody agreement for when you fuck off back to Singapore.”
He storms past Eduardo and up the stairs.
“Christ, Mark, now who’s not listening?!” Eduardo calls after him and Mark wheels around at the top of the stairs to stare daggers down at Eduardo.
“Oh I’m listening to every word, Eduardo.” His hands are shaking where they grip the banister. “And it sounds to me like if it weren’t for me being a hindrance you would be on the first flight out of here with Rosalind. Go back to Singapore. I genuinely don’t give a fuck.”
And then he’s gone, slamming his bedroom door and leaving Eduardo fuming with rage and frustration and fuck knows what else at the bottom of the stairs.
Rosalind is crying in the living room and Eduardo wants to scream and curse and throw electronics against walls but he can’t. So he presses a hand against his stinging eyes, rolls his shoulders and walks back into the living room with a soothing smile in place.
*
Eduardo doesn’t see Mark again that evening, nor does he see him the next morning before he leaves for work. When he gets back around one Mark brushes past him the second he opens the door and gets into his own car before Eduardo can say anything. Not that he was going to. He doesn’t know what to say anyway.
“How has this happened, Rosie?”
“Facebook,” she babbles.
“No,” Eduardo sighs. “No, not this time. This time it’s just us.”
“Yeah.” She toddles over and pats at his knee. He helps her climb up onto the sofa and hugs her tight.
“I don’t know what to do, Rosie,” he whispers, voice cracking as he strokes her back. “Tell me what to do.”
He doesn’t know how to fix it with Mark. That was always the problem, wasn’t it? He just doesn’t know how to fix it and this time it’s worse. Before, when Mark lashed out and belittled him and acted like he didn’t care, Eduardo believed him. He did what he was told and left, feeling unwanted and un-needed and unloved.
But now everything is completely clear and a hundred times more confusing because now Eduardo knows that when Mark’s mouth is saying leave leave leave his heart is begging stay stay stay. And it hurts a thousand times more than it ever did before when he thinks of I want-I want-I need you out here and I need my CFO and Wardo, we did it and point zero three percent.
Because Mark had said leave. He’d said leave with a share dilution and a thousand flippant dismissals.
But he’d meant stay. And Eduardo hadn’t.
“Pai.”
Eduardo freezes and pulls back from Rosalind slowly. “What did you just say?”
“Pai,” she says again, reaching out and patting his face.
And then Eduardo’s crying. He’s crying like he’s miserable and like he’s happy and like he’s tired and like he loves.
“Pai?” Rosalind asks and buries her head into his neck with her small arms clasped tightly around his neck.
“Yeah, querida.” Eduardo chokes out finally, “Yeah, I’m Pai.”
And he’s never meant anything more in his life.
*
Dear Eduardo,
I am pretty sure you’re never actually going to read this and I therefore feel pretty ridiculous writing it but Jonas said it would be a good idea and then Dustin got all excited about it. He’s writing Mark’s now (don’t worry, I’ll read it afterwards to check that it isn’t just a couple of pages of coding ideas and inappropriate jokes) but I wanted to write yours.
So for the sake of this letter I’m going to assume that I am dead and you didn’t know I was going to die and Dustin...I guess he’s dead too. That is the only explanation for you reading this really and so if you are then...God, I’m really sorry. I obviously don’t know how it happened but if we’re both gone...I’m sorry. And if there’s a heaven that I’m in right now then I bet everything I have that I miss you. Don’t tell Mark, but you were always my best friend (you were the only other sane one in our group). Please don’t be too sad though. If you’re reading this then Dustin and I, we died together and even though I wish he’d survived...you should at least be thankful that we’re together wherever we are. If anyone can turn the afterlife into a party, it’s Dustin.
Now I also assume Jonas just told you about Rosie, am I right? And you think we’re totally insane. You may even be mad at us and believe me that isn’t our intention. Wardo, Rosie is the best thing that ever happened to me, next to Dustin. She is absolutely and without a doubt, the most precious thing in the world and it hurts that I won’t see her grow up. I don’t know how old she is now but as I write this it’s a couple of weeks before her first birthday and you and Mark...well you and Mark still aren’t speaking. But you see, Wardo, I would die a thousand times all over again if it meant she had the best life she could possibly have and she needs you and she needs Mark. You love her, I know you do, and she loves you too. I feel much better about dying when I know she will have you.
Now about Mark. Okay so for all I know, you are reading this when Rosalind is about 15 and you don’t need to live with Mark at all. Or maybe you’ve made up (I really hope this is the case) but right now you can hardly even look at him and it breaks my heart, Wardo. And it breaks Dustin’s too. We’re not just leaving Rosie to you two for her sake, Wardo, but for yours and Mark’s too. With us gone, if you two still aren’t speaking, you will need her as much as she needs you and if she is still little then she will need parents. I...Dustin and I discussed it and if you’re reading this before she’s five then I don’t want you to feel bad about being her dad. Let her call you that, let her think of you as that and let yourself be that. Please. For us. Tell her about us, tell her we miss her and that we love her but be her father.
And please, Wardo, give Mark a chance. You know when the dilution happened that Dustin and I, we were on your side. We shouted at Mark, Dustin even threatened to give up his shares at one point and I almost walked out. But since then, he’s told us his side and...and he would kill us for telling you but...well it looks like we’re already dead so there’s something you need to know. Eduardo, Mark’s been in love with you since he was 19 years old. I’ll let him explain his own motives behind what he did but please, don’t ever doubt the fact that he loved you and still loves you and is sorry. I know what he’s like, he might be too scared or too stubborn to say so now but he’s told us. He’s told us everything. And he’s sorry. And he loves you. I can’t ask you to forgive him but I ask you to at least hear him out. Let him try. Trust me. Call it my dying wish if you must.
And I obviously don’t know what your feelings are, whether you love or ever loved Mark too but if you don’t, be gentle with him. Whether it was his fault or not, he’s had to lose you once before and I don’t think he could handle a second time. He’s so much more vulnerable than he lets on.
So anyway, please don’t be sad for us anymore and please don’t let your life be miserable. Love Rosalind, she needs a father who can teach her not to wear shorts and flip-flops in the snow and not to try and live on Red Bull (seriously Wardo DO NOT leave her solely in Mark’s care) and if you can’t love Mark, then at least let him love you.
We miss you, wherever we are and we’re sorry,
Thank you,
Chris and Dustin.
P.S. HEEEEEEY! Dustin here. I couldn’t let him seal this without saying hi too. Well actually I guess it’s goodbye. Except it’s not because we’ll be waiting for you up here and when you get here make sure to come straight over to our cloud. I’m gonna throw the biggest party in heaven. God will never know what’s hit him. (I actually feel sorry for the guy when Mark gets up here. I bet he won’t even think twice about answering back). Bye for now, Wardo and we’ll see you soon (on the party cloud, don’t forget.)
*
When Mark gets in at 10:43, Rosalind is already in bed and Eduardo is sitting waiting for him on the couch. The lamp on the end table is on, setting a dim glow around the room and Eduardo looks up at Mark when he shuffles into the room. Their eyes meet for a few seconds and Mark sighs. He sits down close against Eduardo’s right side and it’s a good thing too as his voice is so quiet - like he’s hardly used it all day and has forgotten how.
“I would give a fuck,” he says, twisting his hands nervously on his lap.
“What?”
“If you went back to Singapore, I would give a fuck.”
Eduardo turns his body slightly to look at Mark better. “Mark you have to believe me when I say I don’t want to go back there.”
“But you considered it.” He shrugs, defeated. It doesn’t suit Mark, defeat. He’s supposed to be confident and arrogant and obnoxious.
“Yes,” Eduardo nods, “Because I hated making my father disappointed. Again. And this is all so new and life then was easy.” He sighs, “And obviously I wasn’t happy here at first, of course I wasn’t. I was still upset with you and upset about Chris and Dustin and overwhelmed with Rosie and I hated Palo Alto. But I’m not miserable here now, Mark. I’m sorry if I made you believe I was.”
Mark still isn’t looking at him but his voice is louder than before. “You want to stay?” he asks.
“I want to stay,” Eduardo replies.
“You’re sure?” Mark turns to look him in the eye and Eduardo resists the urge to reach up and touch his cheek.
“I’m sure.” He smiles.
“Okay.” Mark nods and he looks back ahead, fingers drumming sporadically against his thighs.
Eduardo turns away too but reaches over to link his right hand with Mark’s left.
“I read my letter,” he says eventually and he feels Mark’s breath catch beside him.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I think before I felt too guilty to call her my daughter when it should be Dustin and Chris here in this house with this life. I didn’t want to let myself be happy here. I should have read the letter when we first got them.”
“Yes,” Mark says simply and then pauses. “I’m tired of fighting with you, Wardo.”
He sounds it.
“I know.” Eduardo nods. “I reckon we wouldn’t be us if we didn’t fight though,” he says with a small smile.
“Can’t we just stick to fighting about normal things?” Mark almost whines, “Like what movie to watch or who has to do the dishes or change Rosie’s diaper?”
Eduardo laughs quietly and squeezes Mark’s hand. “We’re definitely on the right track at least. Look at us! Having a grown up discussion instead of just jumping to conclusions and lashing out like we used to.”
Mark nods and smiles at their clasped hands, “Forget Facebook, this is our biggest achievement to date.”
Our biggest achievement. We did it. We’re the president.
“Rosie said Facebook yesterday.” Eduardo remembers, grinning at the memory.
Mark laughs softly. “Finally. I’ve been coaching her on that one for ages.”
“Yeah?” Eduardo turns to look at him, “Before or after you taught her ‘Pai’?”
Mark turns to look at him, eyes unsure and searching Eduardo’s face. “I...I thought that’s what you’d want. I mean we can’t both be ‘Dad’ and I thought you might like to keep the Portuguese going so I looked it up. I’ve been showing her pictures of you and repeating it for ages. She...she said it?”
“Yeah.” Eduardo’s voice sounds scratchy and choked even to his own ears. “Mark, I...I can’t believe you did that.”
Mark looks down and shrugs and Eduardo finally doesn’t have to think about it anymore.
“Mark, I was an idiot. I don’t want more time.”
Mark’s head snaps up. “What?”
“You were right. I wasn’t trying as hard as you and we need to stop fighting about everything and misunderstanding everything and...I want to be with you. Now. Not in a few months when ‘the time is right’. Jesus, what does that even mean? I was being stupid and scared.” He squeezes his hand again. “Thank you for being patient.”
Mark’s eyes are shining but terrified, like he’s scared to let himself feel hopeful and Eduardo, very suddenly, wants to kick himself for doing that to him. “What were you scared of?” Mark asks, voice shaken and nervous and Eduardo has to fight every single impulse in his body to stop himself reaching out and drawing Mark in. He wants to hold him to his chest and keep him from ever looking like this again and he wants to not have to answer this question. Because what good will it do? He doesn’t want to hear Mark’s response and he doesn’t want to see Mark’s guilt and he doesn’t want to have to try and find the words.
But he has to. Mark’s been trying, for weeks he’s been grasping for them and he’s looking up at him now like he’s bracing himself for the answer to a question he already thinks he knows the painful answer to. But like he needs to hear it anyway. And Eduardo has to (this time) give Mark what he needs.
Eduardo shrugs helplessly.
“I’m always going to lose,” he says finally, voice barely more than a whisper and it’s like there’s no air in the room anymore; like there’s no air in the whole of Palo Alto and Eduardo’s words are the ones driving it away and bringing it back all at the same time. “Whatever happens between us, Mark, when it comes to Facebook...I’m always going to lose.”
Because that’s it, isn’t it? That’s what all these years of hurt and anger and betrayal have stemmed from. It was never about the injustice or the pride or the betrayal or even about being surprised that Mark had done what he did (though all those things were there) but about how somewhere in Eduardo’s head or heart or being he’d known that he loved Mark and he’d known that Facebook had meant more to him that he, himself, ever could and still he’d given him everything. It had been about shame and self-hatred and how he’d brought it all upon himself.
Except now...now he hardly knows what to think anymore and he’s about to do it all again. Give Mark everything again and maybe lose to Facebook again one day too but this time...well maybe this time he’ll be ready. Maybe this time he can live with the knowledge that Facebook means the world to Mark because this time he’ll know that he means the world to Mark too.
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