Life...
I'm sick of pretending that I'm okay, when I'm really not okay, so this post is all about me venting my sadness and memories. Read it if you want to I guess...
I could say that Phillip deleting his lj doesn't bother me, but I'd be lying. It really gets to me. And I don't know if that's what he meant to do or not, but if he did, it's working. It was so hard on Friday to go to school and see him and be close enough to reach out and touch him, but not even be able to talk to him because he asked me to leave him alone, and since I love him, I'm respecting his wishes. I'm really glad that he's happy. That doesn't make me any less broken hearted though (even though I thought that it would).
I have been thinking of memories I've had with him a lot lately... like the time that Lindsey, Travis, Caitlin, Ariel, Ben, Seth, Philly and I all squished into the Jaguire and went to 7-11. "Stop flexing your butt!" Or how he put the thumb tacs on the ceiling of my car and would call them stars. Or how proud he was that he figured out how to fix the horn on my car. Or when he and I went swimming at Emerson's house over the summer. How nervous I was when I asked him to Winter Formal. How mad I was when I found out that Amber wanted to come to Winter Formal too. Or the time in the van when he told me he liked me. Or the first time I told him I love him, in the Starbucks coffee shop in Wilsonville. Bambi, A Beautiful Mind, and Mexican Trains. Ben driving. Rootbeer Floats and Pizza at the General Store. Jamba Juice. Pool at the Wilsonville Bowling Alley. Sobe. Driving to the mall to buy dice. Missing him like crazy during Outdoor School and then again while he was at Outdoor School. Him surprising me by coming to Music in May. Trip to Wild Waves. Taking the wrong turn and getting lost in Portland. Racing a WRX in my mom's mini van. I love a Rainy Night and Independence Day. Going Camping with his family. The Waterfall. The Rope Swing. Climbing the waterfall and finding a little place upstream where the water was really blue. Jumping off the rock into the water. Going tubing/walking down the river. Meeting his dad for the first time when I brought him homework. Stuttering like crazy. Going to his Grandma's for her birthday but having to leave early to go to prom. Surprise of a rental tux and the most handsome guy I've ever seen. Getting lost on the way to prom. Playing Video Games at Ben and Kevin's house. Hanging out at Ben and Kevin's house. Walmart trips. Champions (or whatever it's called) the video game. Going to pick up his cousin from the airport. "That's his LOVER." Watching the Village with a few girls on my floor and him. His visits to college. Our trip to the beach with his mom. Planning his birthday surprise...
If my tears weren't run out, I'd be crying... I miss him so much. I hate it that I can't even talk to him. I hate it that I have to ignore him when he comes in the room. I hate it that all I want to do is go and hug him, or reach out and touch him, but I can't. Everything reminds me of him. Every song I hear, every TV show I watch, everything I do.
I guess as long as he's happy, I'll keep pretending like everything is okay, when really, it's not.
I could say that Phillip deleting his lj doesn't bother me, but I'd be lying. It really gets to me. And I don't know if that's what he meant to do or not, but if he did, it's working. It was so hard on Friday to go to school and see him and be close enough to reach out and touch him, but not even be able to talk to him because he asked me to leave him alone, and since I love him, I'm respecting his wishes. I'm really glad that he's happy. That doesn't make me any less broken hearted though (even though I thought that it would).
I have been thinking of memories I've had with him a lot lately... like the time that Lindsey, Travis, Caitlin, Ariel, Ben, Seth, Philly and I all squished into the Jaguire and went to 7-11. "Stop flexing your butt!" Or how he put the thumb tacs on the ceiling of my car and would call them stars. Or how proud he was that he figured out how to fix the horn on my car. Or when he and I went swimming at Emerson's house over the summer. How nervous I was when I asked him to Winter Formal. How mad I was when I found out that Amber wanted to come to Winter Formal too. Or the time in the van when he told me he liked me. Or the first time I told him I love him, in the Starbucks coffee shop in Wilsonville. Bambi, A Beautiful Mind, and Mexican Trains. Ben driving. Rootbeer Floats and Pizza at the General Store. Jamba Juice. Pool at the Wilsonville Bowling Alley. Sobe. Driving to the mall to buy dice. Missing him like crazy during Outdoor School and then again while he was at Outdoor School. Him surprising me by coming to Music in May. Trip to Wild Waves. Taking the wrong turn and getting lost in Portland. Racing a WRX in my mom's mini van. I love a Rainy Night and Independence Day. Going Camping with his family. The Waterfall. The Rope Swing. Climbing the waterfall and finding a little place upstream where the water was really blue. Jumping off the rock into the water. Going tubing/walking down the river. Meeting his dad for the first time when I brought him homework. Stuttering like crazy. Going to his Grandma's for her birthday but having to leave early to go to prom. Surprise of a rental tux and the most handsome guy I've ever seen. Getting lost on the way to prom. Playing Video Games at Ben and Kevin's house. Hanging out at Ben and Kevin's house. Walmart trips. Champions (or whatever it's called) the video game. Going to pick up his cousin from the airport. "That's his LOVER." Watching the Village with a few girls on my floor and him. His visits to college. Our trip to the beach with his mom. Planning his birthday surprise...
If my tears weren't run out, I'd be crying... I miss him so much. I hate it that I can't even talk to him. I hate it that I have to ignore him when he comes in the room. I hate it that all I want to do is go and hug him, or reach out and touch him, but I can't. Everything reminds me of him. Every song I hear, every TV show I watch, everything I do.
I guess as long as he's happy, I'll keep pretending like everything is okay, when really, it's not.