Blah blah blah rant rant:
Only read if you care. Comments can be annonymous, friend related or you don't have to say anything at all. All comments are screened. I just needed to vent. Sorry guys...
I feel bad, about well.. Everything.
My dad and I just had a decent conversation. I was asking him if he felt okay lately because I could tell there's something wrong. He said it's my mom getting upset about the holidays.. I knew that. He feels bad when she's mad sometimes... Or else he's just an asshole. Then he told me "You know, I know you have a tender heart.. Like mine at times." I'm actually starting to see that now. I usually never agree with most of his motives or anything really.. He was talking to my mom and he said "I'll bring the computer in there to be with you" and I'm like "Why don't you leave to computer out and just cuddle with her?" He said that she'd just watch her show. I told him sometimes when you feel bad about something it's good to cuddle. Then he's like "Yeah I know." It's pretty strange... Even the people you think you hate most you sympathize for. I do think I'm alot like my dad, I'll just try to be the wiser and learn from his mistakes. Hey, I've got to give him credit for layin off the alcohol unlike his dad.
And now I'm thinking.. What happens if he finds out I've dated a girl? What happens if he finds out I have a crush on a girl now? He'll be disappointed in me. Not know what to think. Shun me. He's always takling about how I'd make a good mom and such.. I say I do agree with him. But it's like.. The girls that I've liked I KNOW for a fact I like. The guys, not so much... I'm not saying I'm a lesbian, and I'm not saying I'm anything else I'm just confused. I want to belong in my family, school, my friends, everything but I want to be myself too. I'm afraid, that if I'm myself people won't like me for who I am.. My dad can read right through that which scares me.. Alot. I'm afraid he'll read alot of other thoughts of mine too.
I've also figured out as much stuff as I'm confused about. I finally don't feel the need to flirt and all that shit.. I'm tired of pretending to... Do... You just have be me to understand or see right through me. I know this is lame but I feel like I've got to overachive peoples friendship with a different level of "friendliness" I guess. I've been doing this alot lately.. You people know who you are. Don't get me wrong, I might like you... But you just have to ask me about it I'll explain in as full detail as I can. BTW this is the guys...
I can't believe how much the past few days have changed me... Or maybe I was just changing all along and I didn't notice..
I'm also tired of trying to impress my mom when it obviously has no effect. Nothing is ever good enough for her and sometimes I just wanna crawl in a corner and die. And I wonder too what she'd think if she found out I was... Well what I am. My "sexual orientaion" I guess. It makes me sick thinking about how hard I try to impress everyone really.. But mostly myself. I guess nothing is ever good enough for me either. I'm fine with everyone elses achivements but my own. I've just now realized that.
Beauty isn't beautiful... What I mean by that is you can be as pretty as you want, have all these nice things... Have the finest makeup... But you'll always be ugly as hell if you don't have a pure soul. I've finally been able to word that... Mostly because of Michie... Tangerine... Michele... Whatever you wanna call her. I'll call her.. beautiful. Thank you. Hell,I don't even know if I like you or it's just a phaze but you have really helped me see alot of things.. Even if you don't want your girlfriend anymore and she doesn't want you I just want you to know that you are such a beautiful person inside and out and I'm really surprized you don't know... Actually kinda ashamed you don't know. I can't believe no one tells you that everyday. That's what you deserve.
And to those of you that don't have faith in yourselves... Viking (Sara... We all know the viking), beautiful (Michele), teddy bear (Erik)... Don't doubt yourselves too much. S.J.- Maybe the reason that you don't think you aren't getting any guys is... That's it. You have no faith in yourself. You're one of the most unique individuals I know, have ever met and probably will ever meet. We're all "one of a kind" but you're a special one. People may say you're a diamond in the ruff but I beg to differ.. You're just a diamond hiding in the fuckin ruff. You've got so much potential. You're so sweet and shy I know that's part of you but all you need is a little faith. Have trust in yourself and other people too... Even if it's a little. This is just advice... You don't have to take it but I just want you to know.
Mich- You are the most beautiful girl I've ever met. Seriously. You're so kind and gentle but you aren't afraid to be spunky.. Hold on to yourself.. Not too tight but sure as hell don't let go. (BTW if this seems short I explained some up there ^^^^)
Erik.. Oh Erik. I don't know you that well but you're sure as hell somethin. I saw what you said about yourself in your LJ and you should be ashamed. Why do you have no faith in yourself? You're right.. I don't like you. But then again I don't know you that well. I've been so tied up in everyone elses problems and now it's time for me to take care of myself. Don't doubt yourself... It's not going to get you anywhere. I can't tell you anything too deep because I don't know you. But you've got guts and you're a real sweetheart if you slip out of your noisy house into the cold night just to talk to me on the phone. You've really got something special about you and I appriciate that. Alot.
Dammit... Stupid feelings... Putting them off till now really blows. I think that's enough stuff for you guys to put up with tonight... But oh there's so much more. I can't believe I'm posting this shit.. Cya.
I'm going to go see if my dad took his laptop or left it out on his new recliner my mom bought him for Christmas..
Just... Me, Cathy.