Scene: All Saints Day (3)
Jake was in the Young Avengers headquarters. It was weird, she hadn't been there in months. She wondered if he had. She wondered why she didn't know.
"Hi," she said softly, from the doorway. "Am I interrupting or...?" It occurred that he wasn't on the team right now, either, and had no more reason to be here than she did.
He shook his head. "I just wanted to be somewhere that was a group space."
Amelia crossed the room and sat beside him. "How come?"
"I'm not really sure," he admitted. "It felt better than being in my family home."
She nodded. "That makes perfect sense. ...I mean--" she rushed to explain, "I don't mean your home. Just, I don't want to be at home right now either."
He nodded, too. "I understood what you meant. But I meant my home, so either way."
She took a breath. "I talked to my dad and first he said I shouldn't come home anymore at all and then he said I should move back in right away."
Jake smiled. "That sounds very much like your dad. What did you decide to do?"
She shook her head. "I'm still deciding." She glanced at him. "I thought I knew what to do but ...I'm not sure anymore."
"What did you think was the thing to do?"
She lowered her eyes and took another breath. "Take a break."
Jake steeled himself. "From what?"
"Everything. Well, not school..." She thought it weird that Peter had suggested she take time off from school. "But the cheer team and the SHIELD team. And ... you."
He frowned. "Do you want a break from me or do you think I want a break from you?"
"I think you deserve a break from me." He shook his head. She sighed. "I don't know what I want. That's what I have to figure out."
"If taking a break from our relationship will help you to figure that out, then I'll agree. But if you want a break because you thinks it's what's better for me, I do not agree."
"It is better for you," she affirmed. "But I don't know. I don't know anything." She fell back on the couch, tired, and miserable.
"It's not up to you to decide what's better for me," he said firmly. "We can decide together or I can decide, but you can't make those choices without me." He sat back, too, to stay at her level. "What about Henry? What's better for Henry?"
Her eyes narrowed. "I don't think what's better for Henry should enter into it. It's not about Henry it's about me." She was getting worked up. "And I have almost kissed Henry a dozen times and I do worry it's inevitable but that's still me not him. I don't know what or who I want, and you do and it's not right for me to pretend like everything's okay even if that's what I wish it to be!"
"You're unwilling to make decisions for Henry," Jake pointed out, calmly, "But you are for me."
"I said I haven't decided!" She paused and took a breath. "I'm not telling you what to do. But you said we could decide together and part of deciding together is sharing our opinions isn't it?"
He nodded. "It's my opinion that we should stay together." She bit her lip. "We are going to have long lives full of lots of conflict. We can't take a break every time it happens."
She was quiet, watching him, for a long time. "What do you think the conflict is?"
He considered. "Maybe conflict wasn't the right word." He didn't know how to say it. "The fight for you to know how to be happy."
Her eyes filled with tears. "I feel so stupid. It shouldn't be hard to know how to be happy."
"But sometimes it is."
"Not for you," she countered.
"Sometimes. I wasn't sure about the army. Or not being near you."
She frowned, tears momentarily forgotten. "How can that be true? I spent the whole last year trying to convince myself it was okay that you were going to have your military career and be away from me and that I could fit into that life, the life you want." She shook her head at him, approaching fury. "You gave up the Avengers for it!"
In the face of her furor, Jake was composed. "Just because I chose it doesn't mean I know for sure that it's the best. I took a chance that that is the life that will make me happy. But I was free to take that chance because you are in my life, because no matter what we would have each other."
Amelia was quiet another long while, indecisive about her response, but she finally realized she had nothing to lose at this point. "What if that life doesn't make me happy?"
Jake blinked. "Your life with me?"
"No, your life in the military."
Concern and confusion crossed his face. "Is that what's making you unhappy?"
"What's making me unhappy is that I don't remember what, if anything, I wanted before you. I don't know why I chose to go to Maryland. When Henry asked I said because you told me to!" She gestured at him. "And I'm pretty sure that's not the whole reason, because it doesn't even make sense but I don't remember. Or care! I just go through the motions and do whatever I think my dad would want me to. Or you or Ben or Jamie or Henry."
Now that she'd begun, she couldn't speak fast enough. Jake listened intently.
"But you -- you've always known. You want to be married and you want to be a soldier and you want a family and a home and I wanted all of that for you and I thought ...if I pretended long enough and hard enough it would become true and I would be happy with the life that you chose because I couldn't choose anyway so who cares what I wanted?" Tears streamed down her cheeks. "But now I don't know who I am without you. I don't know if I exist without you. And that makes me not good enough for you or anyone."
"And I don't know how to fix it because everyone I ask--" She gasped at air. "--tells me I'm Amelia and that's just the way it is." She collapsed in on herself. Being Amelia was too much of a burden.
Jake took a deep breath. "Okay. I understand." He touched her hand, hesitantly, but she grasped it and held tightly. "I think you're right. I want you to know how to exist without me, and you won't find out how while you're with me."
He felt the tears start to spill down his cheek.
"I wanted to be the one who woke you up from eating the apple. That's always how I saw myself, since I was very little." She turned her eyes up to meet his. "Amelia's Prince."
Jake had a way with words that surprised Amelia, no matter how often it happened. As a rule he was quiet, but he always said just the right thing exactly when she needed him to. And it would make her feel warm, and safe, and loved, and -- invincible. What he'd said this time broke her.
"You are," she whispered through her tears. "I love you. I'm sorry. I. . ." She shook her head and all her words turned into sobs.
Jake pulled her into his arms. "Maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while." He didn't really know what the right thing to do was.
She cried into his chest. "I'll go away, back to school."
"Okay," said Jake. He didn't know what the right thing to say was, either.
The silence grew until finally it was too much for Amelia. She pulled away and stood, pulling her sleeves down, too afraid to stay or go. She took as deep a breath as she could muster.
"I love you so much, I love you more than I can ever say. Please believe me."
Jake nodded. "I believe you."
She took another breath, but the tears wouldn't stop. She would never calm down if she stayed. She nodded back, and fled.
Jake was still, he didn't know how long, identifying the noises around him into a mental file. He pulled out his phone and texted Anthony.
Can we meet?
The reply came quickly.
Just left library, headed home. Cafe? Or you can come by the mansion.
Jake replied that the mansion was fine. He stood and made his way out. As he set the alarm the room became too dark for him to bear one more minute and he hurried away to meet his friend.
Amelia went to Ben immediately, ignoring anyone and everything she passed on the way. She was still crying when she found him and he wrapped her up in his arms without a word, or thought. Neither spoke for hours.
"Hi," she said softly, from the doorway. "Am I interrupting or...?" It occurred that he wasn't on the team right now, either, and had no more reason to be here than she did.
He shook his head. "I just wanted to be somewhere that was a group space."
Amelia crossed the room and sat beside him. "How come?"
"I'm not really sure," he admitted. "It felt better than being in my family home."
She nodded. "That makes perfect sense. ...I mean--" she rushed to explain, "I don't mean your home. Just, I don't want to be at home right now either."
He nodded, too. "I understood what you meant. But I meant my home, so either way."
She took a breath. "I talked to my dad and first he said I shouldn't come home anymore at all and then he said I should move back in right away."
Jake smiled. "That sounds very much like your dad. What did you decide to do?"
She shook her head. "I'm still deciding." She glanced at him. "I thought I knew what to do but ...I'm not sure anymore."
"What did you think was the thing to do?"
She lowered her eyes and took another breath. "Take a break."
Jake steeled himself. "From what?"
"Everything. Well, not school..." She thought it weird that Peter had suggested she take time off from school. "But the cheer team and the SHIELD team. And ... you."
He frowned. "Do you want a break from me or do you think I want a break from you?"
"I think you deserve a break from me." He shook his head. She sighed. "I don't know what I want. That's what I have to figure out."
"If taking a break from our relationship will help you to figure that out, then I'll agree. But if you want a break because you thinks it's what's better for me, I do not agree."
"It is better for you," she affirmed. "But I don't know. I don't know anything." She fell back on the couch, tired, and miserable.
"It's not up to you to decide what's better for me," he said firmly. "We can decide together or I can decide, but you can't make those choices without me." He sat back, too, to stay at her level. "What about Henry? What's better for Henry?"
Her eyes narrowed. "I don't think what's better for Henry should enter into it. It's not about Henry it's about me." She was getting worked up. "And I have almost kissed Henry a dozen times and I do worry it's inevitable but that's still me not him. I don't know what or who I want, and you do and it's not right for me to pretend like everything's okay even if that's what I wish it to be!"
"You're unwilling to make decisions for Henry," Jake pointed out, calmly, "But you are for me."
"I said I haven't decided!" She paused and took a breath. "I'm not telling you what to do. But you said we could decide together and part of deciding together is sharing our opinions isn't it?"
He nodded. "It's my opinion that we should stay together." She bit her lip. "We are going to have long lives full of lots of conflict. We can't take a break every time it happens."
She was quiet, watching him, for a long time. "What do you think the conflict is?"
He considered. "Maybe conflict wasn't the right word." He didn't know how to say it. "The fight for you to know how to be happy."
Her eyes filled with tears. "I feel so stupid. It shouldn't be hard to know how to be happy."
"But sometimes it is."
"Not for you," she countered.
"Sometimes. I wasn't sure about the army. Or not being near you."
She frowned, tears momentarily forgotten. "How can that be true? I spent the whole last year trying to convince myself it was okay that you were going to have your military career and be away from me and that I could fit into that life, the life you want." She shook her head at him, approaching fury. "You gave up the Avengers for it!"
In the face of her furor, Jake was composed. "Just because I chose it doesn't mean I know for sure that it's the best. I took a chance that that is the life that will make me happy. But I was free to take that chance because you are in my life, because no matter what we would have each other."
Amelia was quiet another long while, indecisive about her response, but she finally realized she had nothing to lose at this point. "What if that life doesn't make me happy?"
Jake blinked. "Your life with me?"
"No, your life in the military."
Concern and confusion crossed his face. "Is that what's making you unhappy?"
"What's making me unhappy is that I don't remember what, if anything, I wanted before you. I don't know why I chose to go to Maryland. When Henry asked I said because you told me to!" She gestured at him. "And I'm pretty sure that's not the whole reason, because it doesn't even make sense but I don't remember. Or care! I just go through the motions and do whatever I think my dad would want me to. Or you or Ben or Jamie or Henry."
Now that she'd begun, she couldn't speak fast enough. Jake listened intently.
"But you -- you've always known. You want to be married and you want to be a soldier and you want a family and a home and I wanted all of that for you and I thought ...if I pretended long enough and hard enough it would become true and I would be happy with the life that you chose because I couldn't choose anyway so who cares what I wanted?" Tears streamed down her cheeks. "But now I don't know who I am without you. I don't know if I exist without you. And that makes me not good enough for you or anyone."
"And I don't know how to fix it because everyone I ask--" She gasped at air. "--tells me I'm Amelia and that's just the way it is." She collapsed in on herself. Being Amelia was too much of a burden.
Jake took a deep breath. "Okay. I understand." He touched her hand, hesitantly, but she grasped it and held tightly. "I think you're right. I want you to know how to exist without me, and you won't find out how while you're with me."
He felt the tears start to spill down his cheek.
"I wanted to be the one who woke you up from eating the apple. That's always how I saw myself, since I was very little." She turned her eyes up to meet his. "Amelia's Prince."
Jake had a way with words that surprised Amelia, no matter how often it happened. As a rule he was quiet, but he always said just the right thing exactly when she needed him to. And it would make her feel warm, and safe, and loved, and -- invincible. What he'd said this time broke her.
"You are," she whispered through her tears. "I love you. I'm sorry. I. . ." She shook her head and all her words turned into sobs.
Jake pulled her into his arms. "Maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while." He didn't really know what the right thing to do was.
She cried into his chest. "I'll go away, back to school."
"Okay," said Jake. He didn't know what the right thing to say was, either.
The silence grew until finally it was too much for Amelia. She pulled away and stood, pulling her sleeves down, too afraid to stay or go. She took as deep a breath as she could muster.
"I love you so much, I love you more than I can ever say. Please believe me."
Jake nodded. "I believe you."
She took another breath, but the tears wouldn't stop. She would never calm down if she stayed. She nodded back, and fled.
Jake was still, he didn't know how long, identifying the noises around him into a mental file. He pulled out his phone and texted Anthony.
Can we meet?
The reply came quickly.
Just left library, headed home. Cafe? Or you can come by the mansion.
Jake replied that the mansion was fine. He stood and made his way out. As he set the alarm the room became too dark for him to bear one more minute and he hurried away to meet his friend.
Amelia went to Ben immediately, ignoring anyone and everything she passed on the way. She was still crying when she found him and he wrapped her up in his arms without a word, or thought. Neither spoke for hours.