Fate - Chapter 40 - Broken
Fate
Chapter 40 - Broken
POV: Cassandra
December 13, 2006
I had gotten up at a ridiculously early time to make sure the inspection would go perfectly. I had made the front bedroom look as if I slept in there and that was my room. I made sure Joshua’s room was clean and that things were put where they should be, I’d cleaned the bathrooms and made sure they were clean and then I’d done the entire downstairs. Cleaning everything from the corners of the room, to the baseboards and under the tables. The wires were hidden, the tree was clean, presents were in the right places, and everything in the kitchen was in date, especially his formula. Only one can was out and it was in the back of the cabinet. After Joshua and Zac got up I cleaned up the bedroom and then the kitchen after breakfast.
The inspector arrived at 7:55 and he was methodical. It was just before eleven when he left and of course he didn’t say anything to us about how it went! Zac fixed us a quick lunch and we were just finishing up when the doorbell rang.
“Expecting anyone?” he asked.
“No. Clayton is picking up the edited photos Friday from the studio.”
We had taken ours Sunday too and I was still editing them but they were turning out to be very awesome pictures. Zac had chosen our outfits, going with black pants for everyone and then Joshua had a button up long sleeve that was mostly white but had red and black flannel looks and a red vest. He’s chosen a white blouse for me that had red snowflakes around the collar and he’s gone with a shirt that matched Joshua’s.
He got up and went to the front door to answer, thinking maybe it was the lawyer. He was finished with lunch so I finished as well and took the plates to the kitchen. I heard him talking but wasn’t sure who it was until I walked back into the living room. He was standing there and Maddilyn was beside him.
“Oh…I didn’t know you were home.”
“Yeah, I am. Hi.”
Joshua whined from his spot on the floor and I picked him up.
“I can come back Zac, it’s okay.” She said.
“No. Um…Cassie do you mind feeding him upstairs? He can lay in the crib for his nap. She just wanted to talk.”
As much as I did mind I didn’t voice that. “Sure. May lay down with him actually, I think I woke up way too early.”
I went to the kitchen and could hear her commenting on the decorations and tree. But I fixed his bottle and took him upstairs. I could almost feel it, she hadn’t been around in months and I could see it back at the store. She still loved him. She wished that Joshua was her son and she was the one here and not me. He still had her engagement ring so somewhere in his mind he had held out hope that she would come back.
Was this her coming back?
He had taken her picture down and replaced it, but he hadn’t done that until after we came back from South Africa. I fought back the tears as he ate peacefully. Once he finished the bottle I got a good burp and then laid him down to change the diaper. He again started the mama babbles and god that hurt, because if Zac went back to her there was no way she would allow me to stay.
I laid him down in the crib and went to take the bottle to the kitchen but I stopped on the stairs because I heard her voice.
“I know I was very selfish and upset, but I was hurting Zac and I didn’t know how to handle those feelings. I was pissed off that you were giving everything to Megan. I felt like she was just ripping everything from me.”
There was a sniff and a pause.
“I told you time would ease the pain and it has, being with Neil just made me miss you. Miss our long talks, the little dates, even the other stuff.”
“You did say that but…”
“I’m still waiting for you. I understand Megan was a onetime thing Zac and as much as I wish it hadn’t happened, she did drug you and I can’t blame you. I just…I want to go back to being us. I want to be there when Joshua crawls and walks, I’ve missed a lot and I know that but I still love you. I should have accepted Joshua as our son, he should have been our son.”
“It’s weird that I told you forgiveness and you coming back was what I wanted, I held out hope.”
I just kind of sat down here in the stairwell, it was what he wanted. What he’d always wanted.
“I know and so did I, I um…I bought the dress Zac.”
“The dress?” he asked.
“The one I chose when I was there with Harper. I had already bought the dress, I should have taken it back but I just couldn’t until I was absolutely sure. I love you Zachary. I want us to be together and to raise Joshua like he is our son. I want him to call me Mom and to just be there. I want to give you my virginity like I wanted to the whole time we were together. I may not be able to have yours but I want to have more than just that. I focused on all these nitpicky things that Megan got and the one I lost focus on was that I always had your heart and she never did.”
I was fighting back the tears and trying not to make any noise as I heard her words. I wasn’t stupid, Zac held onto her engagement ring because he still loved her. He’d left her picture on his desk forever because he was holding out hope for her and it wasn’t until he felt like I would be there that he moved it. I couldn’t compete with Maddilyn! She was offering him her virginity still, a chance to be with someone that he’d known for so long already. She didn’t have an ex-husband or an abusive past.
Added, she’d kept her wedding dress?! She’d bought the damn thing and kept it? Even though she called the engagement off and returned the ring, she’d kept the dress.
“I tried to tell you Maddilyn that she meant nothing to me, you just wouldn’t listen to me. You just focused on the fact we had sex and I told you I thought it was you. If I hadn’t been drugged then I wouldn’t have gone that far with her.”
I could feel my hands shaking and I could hear Joshua so I got up and headed back upstairs. I couldn’t hear him telling her how happy he was she was back, or how much he wanted her to be here. I just couldn’t hear those words just yet. I just couldn’t hear him telling me he was going back to her.
My hands were shaking so badly and my head was pounding as well. Joshua was still awake, laying in the crib babbling. I’d let myself fall so far, so deep, so fast. I’d gotten attached to Joshua and now it would all be gone. I guess I would end up with my parents after all because when he had me leave I wouldn’t have a choice.
I picked him up but he must have sensed that I was upset so I made more of an effort to try to fake being fine. I laid him down in the center of the bed and laid down with him and that worked great for him, he rolled over so he was against me and then he drifted off to sleep. I felt like this was one of the last few times that I’d be here and then I’d have to go. I tried not to cry but I couldn’t really help it. It did nothing for the pounding headache and eventually I cried myself to sleep.
What woke me up was soft fingers running across my cheek and as I began to wake up I could feel him right up against me. His arm over my shoulder wiping my face off.
“Cassandra, the pillow is wet, is everything okay?”
“Yeah.”
I felt his lips against my neck. “I don’t believe you are, that lacked conviction. Why are you crying Cassie?”
Joshua was still asleep against me and I didn’t want to tell him but he would keep asking and if he was going to tell me he was going back to her then at least I could make a stand to not be cut completely from Joshua’s life.
“I started down to bring the bottle to rinse it out and I heard her. How she misses you and how Neil made her realize she still loved you. How she missed you and wanted to be here and be his mom. How you held out hope for that. It’s what you wanted and you still have her engagement ring and she evidently bought the dress. She still wants you to be her first and I just…I can’t compete with her and I know I can’t.”
The fresh tears he wiped away and his arm remained over my side.
“You don’t have to compete with anyone Cassandra.”
“Don’t humor me Zac, if you want her back then I should just go now. It’ll be easier for me.”
His lips pressed into my neck and that wasn’t making this easy, if he thought this was make the pain less then he was an idiot.
“You aren’t going anywhere Cassie, I’m not going to let you.”
“But…”
“You came back upstairs obviously, so you didn’t hear everything.”
I turned to look back at him some. “I couldn’t stay there and hear you tell her you wanted her back. I couldn’t hear those words and I really can’t now either.”
He moved some of the hair from my face. “I don’t want her.”
I blinked, I clearly didn’t hear him right, she was offering way more than I could ever offer. Joshua turned himself over and settled back down, but that gave me enough room to turn to face him. He wiped my face off again.
“I don’t want her. I want you.” He said.
“Me? Why? You were with her for years and you two were engaged. You still have the ring.”
“Why you? Because you were here when I needed someone, when the world just closed in on me and tried to suffocate me, you were there to push it away and give me breathing room. I really needed someone to help me through what happened, instead of being there for me she blamed me. I know it wasn’t easy on her either, but she didn’t believe me and four years together I thought she would at least have enough trust in me to know I wasn’t lying about being drugged. She just seemed to focus on what she thought she lost. She didn’t consider it was hard on me too.”
He paused but he clearly wasn’t done.
“I met her in February to try and patch things up, I’d been here a week and kind of realized that she was hurting but she told me then she loved me and missed me, but she wouldn’t give in and come back. She admitted she didn’t believe me. I told her about Joshua and she said she took me and our baby, but Joshua could have always been ours, she didn’t see that. She did admit that she came that day to make me feel the pain and sadness. But, I overheard Harper a few weeks ago, apparently Maddilyn was already dating someone in February, she just didn’t tell me. When your dad mentioned us meeting sooner I thought about it and honestly, if I had met you sooner than I am sure I wouldn’t have been with her.”
I blinked. “Are you saying you would have left her then?”
“Yes. I don’t think our relationship was that strong like I did then, it hurt us both but I clearly wasn’t strong enough to handle my one mistake, drugged or not. I did love her, but I’ve realized that I don’t anymore and I don’t think she is what I need or want. Because what I need and what I want was right here with him asleep. You obviously don’t want to leave.”
“You have her ring still.”
He leaned in and kissed me. “I sold her ring before Thanksgiving Cassie. I knew I couldn’t return it, but I took it to a jeweler in town and he bought it from me. Not for what I paid but it was better than nothing. I don’t have her ring anymore, I realized that it was my last thread and I didn’t want to go back. Even as she was talking today the only thing I could think of was how you looked when I asked you to feed him up here, that was enough for me to know that you are what I want.”
I blinked at him, he’d gotten rid of her ring? I hadn’t even known! There was a part of me that wished he’d tell me he loved me, not that he just wanted me. But, I think in a roundabout way he was trying to say that but just wasn’t ready for the real words. It was Joshua babbling behind me that drew our attention back to the fact that he was here and now awake and of course he was babbling and mama was coming out often.
“I think Joshua agrees with my decision here, you are outnumbered.”
“You do know he’ll call anyone that right?”
He kissed me. “No, he has the right person. You may not have had him Cassie but you’ve acted more like his mother than anyone else.”
I could feel the slight heat in my cheeks and he got up because even I could feel the wet spot on the bed, so clearly Joshua needed dry clothes. He took care of him and I took care of the bed itself but the headache was still there and when we went back downstairs I looked at the mess.
“What the hell?”
“She was mildly upset when I told her I wasn’t going to come back.”
“So she messes up my clean house? Screw that shit.”
He did clean up the mess, it was mostly the poor potted plant that was beside the door. We then got some downtime and I had to admit he was really good about massages that helped the headaches. I think they were from the excessive movements the last few weeks and the drive, my neck and shoulders were cramping too. He handled dinner that night and Joshua and I watched him, he was sitting up more and while we were waiting I tried him on the jar of green beans I had gotten. The funny faces amused us both but he didn’t eat much of them.
The rest of the night was low-key, watching some TV and I edited pictures so both Clayton and Zac could print them for Christmas. Zac ironically wanted a picture of us all for people, along with singles of Joshua. I wondered how his family would react to the news that he had wanted me and not her? Given their displeasure in his choices so far, I doubted they’d be happy!
Bed time came early for me given I’d gotten up so early and by eight that mild headache was full blown migraine, so I was glad to have the quiet room and dark room. I was asleep before he brought Joshua up and barely felt him join me in bed.
Chapter 40 - Broken
POV: Cassandra
December 13, 2006
I had gotten up at a ridiculously early time to make sure the inspection would go perfectly. I had made the front bedroom look as if I slept in there and that was my room. I made sure Joshua’s room was clean and that things were put where they should be, I’d cleaned the bathrooms and made sure they were clean and then I’d done the entire downstairs. Cleaning everything from the corners of the room, to the baseboards and under the tables. The wires were hidden, the tree was clean, presents were in the right places, and everything in the kitchen was in date, especially his formula. Only one can was out and it was in the back of the cabinet. After Joshua and Zac got up I cleaned up the bedroom and then the kitchen after breakfast.
The inspector arrived at 7:55 and he was methodical. It was just before eleven when he left and of course he didn’t say anything to us about how it went! Zac fixed us a quick lunch and we were just finishing up when the doorbell rang.
“Expecting anyone?” he asked.
“No. Clayton is picking up the edited photos Friday from the studio.”
We had taken ours Sunday too and I was still editing them but they were turning out to be very awesome pictures. Zac had chosen our outfits, going with black pants for everyone and then Joshua had a button up long sleeve that was mostly white but had red and black flannel looks and a red vest. He’s chosen a white blouse for me that had red snowflakes around the collar and he’s gone with a shirt that matched Joshua’s.
He got up and went to the front door to answer, thinking maybe it was the lawyer. He was finished with lunch so I finished as well and took the plates to the kitchen. I heard him talking but wasn’t sure who it was until I walked back into the living room. He was standing there and Maddilyn was beside him.
“Oh…I didn’t know you were home.”
“Yeah, I am. Hi.”
Joshua whined from his spot on the floor and I picked him up.
“I can come back Zac, it’s okay.” She said.
“No. Um…Cassie do you mind feeding him upstairs? He can lay in the crib for his nap. She just wanted to talk.”
As much as I did mind I didn’t voice that. “Sure. May lay down with him actually, I think I woke up way too early.”
I went to the kitchen and could hear her commenting on the decorations and tree. But I fixed his bottle and took him upstairs. I could almost feel it, she hadn’t been around in months and I could see it back at the store. She still loved him. She wished that Joshua was her son and she was the one here and not me. He still had her engagement ring so somewhere in his mind he had held out hope that she would come back.
Was this her coming back?
He had taken her picture down and replaced it, but he hadn’t done that until after we came back from South Africa. I fought back the tears as he ate peacefully. Once he finished the bottle I got a good burp and then laid him down to change the diaper. He again started the mama babbles and god that hurt, because if Zac went back to her there was no way she would allow me to stay.
I laid him down in the crib and went to take the bottle to the kitchen but I stopped on the stairs because I heard her voice.
“I know I was very selfish and upset, but I was hurting Zac and I didn’t know how to handle those feelings. I was pissed off that you were giving everything to Megan. I felt like she was just ripping everything from me.”
There was a sniff and a pause.
“I told you time would ease the pain and it has, being with Neil just made me miss you. Miss our long talks, the little dates, even the other stuff.”
“You did say that but…”
“I’m still waiting for you. I understand Megan was a onetime thing Zac and as much as I wish it hadn’t happened, she did drug you and I can’t blame you. I just…I want to go back to being us. I want to be there when Joshua crawls and walks, I’ve missed a lot and I know that but I still love you. I should have accepted Joshua as our son, he should have been our son.”
“It’s weird that I told you forgiveness and you coming back was what I wanted, I held out hope.”
I just kind of sat down here in the stairwell, it was what he wanted. What he’d always wanted.
“I know and so did I, I um…I bought the dress Zac.”
“The dress?” he asked.
“The one I chose when I was there with Harper. I had already bought the dress, I should have taken it back but I just couldn’t until I was absolutely sure. I love you Zachary. I want us to be together and to raise Joshua like he is our son. I want him to call me Mom and to just be there. I want to give you my virginity like I wanted to the whole time we were together. I may not be able to have yours but I want to have more than just that. I focused on all these nitpicky things that Megan got and the one I lost focus on was that I always had your heart and she never did.”
I was fighting back the tears and trying not to make any noise as I heard her words. I wasn’t stupid, Zac held onto her engagement ring because he still loved her. He’d left her picture on his desk forever because he was holding out hope for her and it wasn’t until he felt like I would be there that he moved it. I couldn’t compete with Maddilyn! She was offering him her virginity still, a chance to be with someone that he’d known for so long already. She didn’t have an ex-husband or an abusive past.
Added, she’d kept her wedding dress?! She’d bought the damn thing and kept it? Even though she called the engagement off and returned the ring, she’d kept the dress.
“I tried to tell you Maddilyn that she meant nothing to me, you just wouldn’t listen to me. You just focused on the fact we had sex and I told you I thought it was you. If I hadn’t been drugged then I wouldn’t have gone that far with her.”
I could feel my hands shaking and I could hear Joshua so I got up and headed back upstairs. I couldn’t hear him telling her how happy he was she was back, or how much he wanted her to be here. I just couldn’t hear those words just yet. I just couldn’t hear him telling me he was going back to her.
My hands were shaking so badly and my head was pounding as well. Joshua was still awake, laying in the crib babbling. I’d let myself fall so far, so deep, so fast. I’d gotten attached to Joshua and now it would all be gone. I guess I would end up with my parents after all because when he had me leave I wouldn’t have a choice.
I picked him up but he must have sensed that I was upset so I made more of an effort to try to fake being fine. I laid him down in the center of the bed and laid down with him and that worked great for him, he rolled over so he was against me and then he drifted off to sleep. I felt like this was one of the last few times that I’d be here and then I’d have to go. I tried not to cry but I couldn’t really help it. It did nothing for the pounding headache and eventually I cried myself to sleep.
What woke me up was soft fingers running across my cheek and as I began to wake up I could feel him right up against me. His arm over my shoulder wiping my face off.
“Cassandra, the pillow is wet, is everything okay?”
“Yeah.”
I felt his lips against my neck. “I don’t believe you are, that lacked conviction. Why are you crying Cassie?”
Joshua was still asleep against me and I didn’t want to tell him but he would keep asking and if he was going to tell me he was going back to her then at least I could make a stand to not be cut completely from Joshua’s life.
“I started down to bring the bottle to rinse it out and I heard her. How she misses you and how Neil made her realize she still loved you. How she missed you and wanted to be here and be his mom. How you held out hope for that. It’s what you wanted and you still have her engagement ring and she evidently bought the dress. She still wants you to be her first and I just…I can’t compete with her and I know I can’t.”
The fresh tears he wiped away and his arm remained over my side.
“You don’t have to compete with anyone Cassandra.”
“Don’t humor me Zac, if you want her back then I should just go now. It’ll be easier for me.”
His lips pressed into my neck and that wasn’t making this easy, if he thought this was make the pain less then he was an idiot.
“You aren’t going anywhere Cassie, I’m not going to let you.”
“But…”
“You came back upstairs obviously, so you didn’t hear everything.”
I turned to look back at him some. “I couldn’t stay there and hear you tell her you wanted her back. I couldn’t hear those words and I really can’t now either.”
He moved some of the hair from my face. “I don’t want her.”
I blinked, I clearly didn’t hear him right, she was offering way more than I could ever offer. Joshua turned himself over and settled back down, but that gave me enough room to turn to face him. He wiped my face off again.
“I don’t want her. I want you.” He said.
“Me? Why? You were with her for years and you two were engaged. You still have the ring.”
“Why you? Because you were here when I needed someone, when the world just closed in on me and tried to suffocate me, you were there to push it away and give me breathing room. I really needed someone to help me through what happened, instead of being there for me she blamed me. I know it wasn’t easy on her either, but she didn’t believe me and four years together I thought she would at least have enough trust in me to know I wasn’t lying about being drugged. She just seemed to focus on what she thought she lost. She didn’t consider it was hard on me too.”
He paused but he clearly wasn’t done.
“I met her in February to try and patch things up, I’d been here a week and kind of realized that she was hurting but she told me then she loved me and missed me, but she wouldn’t give in and come back. She admitted she didn’t believe me. I told her about Joshua and she said she took me and our baby, but Joshua could have always been ours, she didn’t see that. She did admit that she came that day to make me feel the pain and sadness. But, I overheard Harper a few weeks ago, apparently Maddilyn was already dating someone in February, she just didn’t tell me. When your dad mentioned us meeting sooner I thought about it and honestly, if I had met you sooner than I am sure I wouldn’t have been with her.”
I blinked. “Are you saying you would have left her then?”
“Yes. I don’t think our relationship was that strong like I did then, it hurt us both but I clearly wasn’t strong enough to handle my one mistake, drugged or not. I did love her, but I’ve realized that I don’t anymore and I don’t think she is what I need or want. Because what I need and what I want was right here with him asleep. You obviously don’t want to leave.”
“You have her ring still.”
He leaned in and kissed me. “I sold her ring before Thanksgiving Cassie. I knew I couldn’t return it, but I took it to a jeweler in town and he bought it from me. Not for what I paid but it was better than nothing. I don’t have her ring anymore, I realized that it was my last thread and I didn’t want to go back. Even as she was talking today the only thing I could think of was how you looked when I asked you to feed him up here, that was enough for me to know that you are what I want.”
I blinked at him, he’d gotten rid of her ring? I hadn’t even known! There was a part of me that wished he’d tell me he loved me, not that he just wanted me. But, I think in a roundabout way he was trying to say that but just wasn’t ready for the real words. It was Joshua babbling behind me that drew our attention back to the fact that he was here and now awake and of course he was babbling and mama was coming out often.
“I think Joshua agrees with my decision here, you are outnumbered.”
“You do know he’ll call anyone that right?”
He kissed me. “No, he has the right person. You may not have had him Cassie but you’ve acted more like his mother than anyone else.”
I could feel the slight heat in my cheeks and he got up because even I could feel the wet spot on the bed, so clearly Joshua needed dry clothes. He took care of him and I took care of the bed itself but the headache was still there and when we went back downstairs I looked at the mess.
“What the hell?”
“She was mildly upset when I told her I wasn’t going to come back.”
“So she messes up my clean house? Screw that shit.”
He did clean up the mess, it was mostly the poor potted plant that was beside the door. We then got some downtime and I had to admit he was really good about massages that helped the headaches. I think they were from the excessive movements the last few weeks and the drive, my neck and shoulders were cramping too. He handled dinner that night and Joshua and I watched him, he was sitting up more and while we were waiting I tried him on the jar of green beans I had gotten. The funny faces amused us both but he didn’t eat much of them.
The rest of the night was low-key, watching some TV and I edited pictures so both Clayton and Zac could print them for Christmas. Zac ironically wanted a picture of us all for people, along with singles of Joshua. I wondered how his family would react to the news that he had wanted me and not her? Given their displeasure in his choices so far, I doubted they’d be happy!
Bed time came early for me given I’d gotten up so early and by eight that mild headache was full blown migraine, so I was glad to have the quiet room and dark room. I was asleep before he brought Joshua up and barely felt him join me in bed.