And to think i thought I knew a thing or two
Alright, so I think I might finally be level-headed enough to talk about what the fuck just happened to me.
Last night, I stared at my calculus homework for hours, and the harder I tried to understand it, the less it made sense. I started freaking out, because for the first time in my life, I couldn't understand something, and that something just happened to be using trigonometric substitution to integrate equations. It's literally a culmination of everything I've ever learned mathematical, and sums up all of the parts that I'd always considered separate into one giant mathematical mess. Looking at this, looking at who I am, I finally realized that me being terrible at math finally caught up with me. I always told myself that if Civil Engineering turned out not to be my thing, I can always switch majors. Well, on top of the fact that I hate my classes and find them uninteresting, the math has finally gotten to the level where, to me at least, it is completely incomprehensible.
I remember distinctly ever since the first grade having trouble with math. I was always least mathematically inclined in all of my classes, and can still remember how much trouble I had comprehending the fact that two plus three was five. I remember once in 7th grade when I freaked out so bad trying to do my math homework that I was tearing the room apart and throwing crap at the walls because of how frustrated I was. I've always had issues with mathematics, but still I wanted so badly to build things.
Well, I spent two hours on the phone with my dad last night, sobbing into the phone about this whole fucking mess. If I can't do this math, I can't get a degree in Civil Engineering. And the worst part about it all, is that I basically planned my life out around that for years. I was going to start off in Engineering, and tough it out through my hard classes until I never had to do them again. My classes were going to be interesting. I was going to get an internship somewhere between my third and fourth years, and then follow that road until it turned into a career. I was going to have a job that I loved, that also happened to pay well on top of it all. And now that doesn't look like it's happening. This is terrifying, and I don't really know how the fuck I'm going to deal with not knowing anymore.
My parents did however tell me on the phone last night that I always have their support though, and that if I can't pass this class without destroying my happiness, health, and well-being, well then it just isn't worth it. I'm just going to have to beg the teacher to see if I can get a withdrawal or an incompletion in the class instead of the F I'd get if I just stopped going, but If I have to take it then it doesn't look like I have much choice. Here I thought that not having a job would give me time to do better at school, but all it did was give me time to look myself in the mirror and realize that I was trying to get a degree in something that just isn't for me.
So now what do I do? Well, I need to change majors at the end of the semester for sure. Into what? I don't know. I'll talk to a career counselor about it, and maybe they'll have advice. Already, I've been looking at Journalism, Teaching, Media Studies, and Music. Mostly, I finally realized that I can avoid mathematics, and it's okay! I'll still make it from the womb to the tomb, and life has a funny things of eventually working out for everyone to fill their niche.
If any of you guys have any advice you can give me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Even if it's just telling me that it's okay to change directions on where I'm going in life, I need to hear it. I just need re-assurance that everything is going to be alright in the end.
Last night, I stared at my calculus homework for hours, and the harder I tried to understand it, the less it made sense. I started freaking out, because for the first time in my life, I couldn't understand something, and that something just happened to be using trigonometric substitution to integrate equations. It's literally a culmination of everything I've ever learned mathematical, and sums up all of the parts that I'd always considered separate into one giant mathematical mess. Looking at this, looking at who I am, I finally realized that me being terrible at math finally caught up with me. I always told myself that if Civil Engineering turned out not to be my thing, I can always switch majors. Well, on top of the fact that I hate my classes and find them uninteresting, the math has finally gotten to the level where, to me at least, it is completely incomprehensible.
I remember distinctly ever since the first grade having trouble with math. I was always least mathematically inclined in all of my classes, and can still remember how much trouble I had comprehending the fact that two plus three was five. I remember once in 7th grade when I freaked out so bad trying to do my math homework that I was tearing the room apart and throwing crap at the walls because of how frustrated I was. I've always had issues with mathematics, but still I wanted so badly to build things.
Well, I spent two hours on the phone with my dad last night, sobbing into the phone about this whole fucking mess. If I can't do this math, I can't get a degree in Civil Engineering. And the worst part about it all, is that I basically planned my life out around that for years. I was going to start off in Engineering, and tough it out through my hard classes until I never had to do them again. My classes were going to be interesting. I was going to get an internship somewhere between my third and fourth years, and then follow that road until it turned into a career. I was going to have a job that I loved, that also happened to pay well on top of it all. And now that doesn't look like it's happening. This is terrifying, and I don't really know how the fuck I'm going to deal with not knowing anymore.
My parents did however tell me on the phone last night that I always have their support though, and that if I can't pass this class without destroying my happiness, health, and well-being, well then it just isn't worth it. I'm just going to have to beg the teacher to see if I can get a withdrawal or an incompletion in the class instead of the F I'd get if I just stopped going, but If I have to take it then it doesn't look like I have much choice. Here I thought that not having a job would give me time to do better at school, but all it did was give me time to look myself in the mirror and realize that I was trying to get a degree in something that just isn't for me.
So now what do I do? Well, I need to change majors at the end of the semester for sure. Into what? I don't know. I'll talk to a career counselor about it, and maybe they'll have advice. Already, I've been looking at Journalism, Teaching, Media Studies, and Music. Mostly, I finally realized that I can avoid mathematics, and it's okay! I'll still make it from the womb to the tomb, and life has a funny things of eventually working out for everyone to fill their niche.
If any of you guys have any advice you can give me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Even if it's just telling me that it's okay to change directions on where I'm going in life, I need to hear it. I just need re-assurance that everything is going to be alright in the end.