fic: All My Days (Chapter 9)
Title: All My Days
Couple: Dan/Blair
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I do not own GG or any of its characters.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I didn't kiss Chuck."
He stops in his tracks, frozen in place on the sidewalk for a moment. He spins around. Sharply, he asks, "What?"
"I didn't even sleep with him." Her eyes stare right into his. "I never cheated on you."
"I don't..." he clears his throat, "I don't understand, Blair." His voice is so, so low.
"Come inside," she says, before turning to enter her building. Dan's still frozen in shock, but thaws enough to agree that they can't have this conversation on the sidewalk.
In the elevator ride up to her apartment, his mind is reeling. None of this is making any sense. How is this possible? How is any of this possible?
Blair tears off her coat once her door shuts. It's a bit jarring to have Dan in her apartment, but she doesn't have time to focus on that fact. Not when she sees him walking towards her wine rack.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
He barely looks at her when he answers. "I have a feeling I'm going to need wine for this conversation."
She walks over and rips the bottle from his hands. "No, I need you sober for this."
He huffs out an annoyed breath. "Fine. Sit. Explain."
When they've both settled on the couch she barely knows where to begin. Taking a deep breath, she starts. "So, right after you said goodbye to me that night-"
"The day before our four-month anniversary." He looks at her with sad eyes. "I remember," he says quietly.
Her throat tightens. "Right. Well, right after you left...Chuck called me."
Dan's eyes close at his name and she sees him clench his fists.
She continues, "He called and asked if I could do him a favor. I-"
Dan laughs bitterly. "A favor? The fucking nerve of that guy."
"I know," Blair agrees. "I told him that. But he insisted that it was important. He said that some potential business partners were coming into town and asked to have dinner with him and his girlfriend Blair. They remembered me from a few years back."
"There's no way these guys didn't know of your marriage to Louis. You were on the cover of every newspaper in the world," Dan says, unbelieving.
Running her hands through her hair, she lifts her shoulders. "I know, Dan. I told him that. But apparently they assumed we'd gotten back together." He raises a brow at the excuse. "I thought it sounded odd as well, but...that's what he said." She waits for him to balk again, but he thankfully doesn't. "I immediately said no. I told him I was with you and he didn't deserve any help from me. But he sounded desperate, and kept insisting that nothing would happen. He'd only hold my hand while entering the restaurant, and that's it. Dinner, drinks, no kissing, no PDA, nothing."
She looks down at her hands, the wall, the kitchen, anywhere but him. "I thought it would be alright. I figured that if Serena needed help, you'd do it for her. I'd be fine with that. If nothing was going to happen, what was the harm?"
Dan lowers his head into his hands. "Blair, me helping Serena, my ex-girlfriend, is significantly different than you helping Chuck." He looks up at her. "See, I didn't punch a window right next to Serena's face, or leave her at an airplane hanger, or, I don't know, sell her for a-"
"I know, okay? I know," she interrupts, tears lining her eyes. "Do you know how many times I've replayed that night in my mind? Do you know how many times I've played out the scene at the dinner table, with Chuck reaching for my knee under the table as he sips his fourth drink? Do you know how many times I replay when I got up from the table to leave early? Or when he followed me out into the alley behind the restaurant to save face and pretend we were having a lovers spat?" She wipes her eyes. "Do you know how many times I think about how he backed me into a wall to act out a passionate moment? And how when I tried to get away he put his lips to my neck?"
His eyes flare with anger at her words.
She takes a ragged breath. "Do you know how many times I replay that fucking camera flash? I knew in that moment it would be on Gossip Girl. And when it did get posted...the shame I felt...the embarrassment...the regret...the..." She can't think of another word to fit the emotions she felt that night. Trying to catch her breath, she stands up and walks away from the couch. It was all coming back to her in waves. "And when I walked into my apartment...the look on your face." Her voice cracks, and at the sound Dan stands up too. "Oh, god the look on your face," she sobs.
"Blair..."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Dan. For everything. I shouldn't have gone with him. I don't know why I did. I didn't owe him anything. I was with you. I just-"
He walks up to her and cups her face with his hands. Thumbing her tears away, he nods. "I know," he soothes.
Her words tumble together with her tears. "I just...I just wanted to believe he could be good for a change. That he could tell the truth. That I could believe him. And I know I shouldn't have, I know that now-"
"I know you did," he assures, hoping she'll go quiet. But she keeps talking and his heart is breaking at her voice and god she just won't stop talking and crying. He lowers his head to kiss away her tears and quickly moves from her cheek to her lips to stop her. He presses short, soft kisses to her mouth, one after another, and revels in the fact that she finally goes silent. He pushes her hair away from her face when he pulls back. His voice strong, he asks, "Did he hurt you?"
She shakes her head. "No," she answers immediately. "Not physically. You'd know if he did." She takes a moment to study his face. "Dan, he just touched my knee and kissed my neck. I didn't let him do anything further."
Relief fills him to the brim, not because he now knows she didn't cheat, but for the assurance that she wasn't hurt.
"Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know, I didn't know any of it." His eyes feel wet.
She looks up at him, cheeks red from crying and lips red from kissing and her eyes flash with hurt. She pushes his shoulders. "You left me Dan! You left before I could explain myself! Before I could even tell you what happened!" she fumes, pointing her finger into his chest. She hastily wipes her eyes. "I know I made mistakes that night, believe me I know. But you made the biggest one of all: You gave up on us. You gave up on me and moved across the country." She grabs his lapels to push him away, but for some reason pulls him closer. Wants him closer.
"I'm sorry, Blair. I'm so sorry I left without letting you explain." He shakes his head and brushes her cheek again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left."
"No, you shouldn't have," she whispers sadly, shaking her head. "I missed you. I missed you so much."
"I missed you too," he says, pressing kisses to her wet cheek again in between repeating the words. "I...miss you."
She bites her lip and looks up at him with those big brown eyes. "I miss us."
He presses a final kiss to her lips before they both step back. He rubs his forhead. "But I'm mad at us."
"So am I."
"I'm still mad at you."
She nods. "I'm still mad at you."
He lets out a long breath and paces back and forth. Blair watches his every move, unsure of what he's thinking, unsure of what's next, unsure of what to say.
"How about this," she begins after a long moment, "How about you go home and think. I'll stay here and think. And then we'll meet up tomorrow when we're both ready. When we're ready to talk again. About what happened. About us." She walks over to the chair where he'd flung his coat and picks it up. "It's late, we're both tired, and I don't know what I'll say or do if you stay here. You're clouding my judgment."
He looks her over. All red-lipped and rosy-cheeked and god that tantalizing dress that keeps tempting him to do things he probably shouldn't do to her and nods, fully agreeing with her plan. "Okay." He takes his jacket from her and slips it on.
"Call me tomorrow?" she asks, walking to open the door.
"Yeah."
After one last look at each other, he leaves. Locking the door and taking another breath to calm herself, Blair walks slowly to her bedroom, replaying their conversation in her mind. His smell lingers in the air and she gets an overwhelming feeling to bottle it up. Because she's still unsure of what will come of this all.
She's mad at him. She still so very mad at him. But-even so-she wants to wrap herself in his chest and never let go.
Once in her room, she submits to the feeling of him and puts on her favorite t-shirt of his that she kept. She washes her face, brushes her teeth, and shuts off her bedroom lights, more than ready to escape to sleep. Sliding into bed and under the covers, she shuts her achy eyes and feels relief that the day is over. She hasn't felt this emotionally spent since the night he left.
She's almost asleep when she hears a knock. And then another and another. Drowsily, she slides out of bed and walks cautiously to the hallway.
When she opens the door and he sees her there, eyes still red and standing in his old NYU t-shirt he thought he lost, he's knows he's never been so sure of himself.
"There's nothing to think over."
Her heart starts to beat wildly. "What?" she asks, focusing on staying standing because her knees suddenly feel weak. She's wide awake now.
Walking into her apartment for the second time that night, he repeats himself. "There's nothing to think over."
The feeling that's being knotted deep inside her for three years uncoils at his words. Because the truth hits her. It suddenly hits her. "No," she agrees, shaking her head. There isn't anything to think over.
Dan is walking towards her, and she's slowly walking backwards, and the only sounds in the air are their footsteps and breath. She meets his gaze and his eyes are somehow serious and genuine all at the same time. When her back hits the wall, he brings his hands up to hold her head. "You're it for me."
Warmth spreads through her bones.
"Yeah," she nods.
"I forgive you."
"Yeah," she nods again, incapable of saying anything else. She mouths the words back to him.
His fingers gently skim her skin. "I pick you."
"I pick you too."
His eyes scan her beautiful face. "I can't not. I've tried since I left New York. I've really tried. But you've somehow kept my heart hostage for the past three years, because no matter who I tried to move on with...they're just not you."
She nods again, still seemingly unable to do anything else. "You're it, Dan. You're mine."
He kisses her then, kisses her so intensely the world starts to blur and she's positively breathless. His lips are warm and familiar and when his tongue caresses her own she can't help but sigh into his mouth.
He pulls away and wraps his arms around her. Hugging her somehow makes this sink in. "I love you," he whispers into her neck. He feels her nod her head. "I love you, okay? Only you. With all my heart. I love you more than writing, and Brooklyn, and waffles, and Jenny, and my parents, and Addie, and Penny all combined."
Blair chokes out a watery laugh. She's crying again, but for happy reasons. "Really? More than Penny?" She brings her hands up to wrap around his neck and looks into his eyes. They give him away. They give away his honesty.
"Really," he says. "Pen's got nothin' on you."
She smiles and kisses his stubble, his chin, his cheek, his nose, raises on her tip-toes to reach his forehead, and then lowers herself to his lips. "I love you too. Oh, honey I love you so much."
Dan presses his mouth to hers again. "We're gonna make it, okay? We're stronger than this. We'll be okay." Another kiss. "We'll last. We're worth it. I won't give up. I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm not letting you go," she tells him, caressing his cheek. They can't stop touching each other. "You're stuck with me."
"I'm okay with that." He grins, and when he does his eyes crinkle in that way she adores. "Even if you do steal my t-shirts."
She smiles bashfully. "Good. Because you're not getting it back. I'll never take it off."
He tugs the worn, soft fabric and skates the skin of her hipbone with his fingers. "Not even just for tonight?" he teases, eyes darkening when she stifles a moan.
Sliding out of his grasp, she takes his hand and starts pulling him towards her bedroom. "I think I can make an exception."
.
.
.
A/N: This was pretty emotional for me to write. Because of the subject matter, but also because I was so happy to be writing again. I missed it. I'm graduating from college next weekend and so I've naturally been thinking over the past four years. Writing fanfiction became a way for me to de-stress, gave me an excuse to carve out time for myself, and became the creative outlet I so desperately needed in the thick of academia. I'm only now realizing the great value of what it did for me.
I'm so so sorry for the long wait. I hope this update was worth it. I'm planning on writing an epilogue, so there'll be one more chapter.
I'd love to know your thoughts!
Couple: Dan/Blair
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I do not own GG or any of its characters.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I didn't kiss Chuck."
He stops in his tracks, frozen in place on the sidewalk for a moment. He spins around. Sharply, he asks, "What?"
"I didn't even sleep with him." Her eyes stare right into his. "I never cheated on you."
"I don't..." he clears his throat, "I don't understand, Blair." His voice is so, so low.
"Come inside," she says, before turning to enter her building. Dan's still frozen in shock, but thaws enough to agree that they can't have this conversation on the sidewalk.
In the elevator ride up to her apartment, his mind is reeling. None of this is making any sense. How is this possible? How is any of this possible?
Blair tears off her coat once her door shuts. It's a bit jarring to have Dan in her apartment, but she doesn't have time to focus on that fact. Not when she sees him walking towards her wine rack.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
He barely looks at her when he answers. "I have a feeling I'm going to need wine for this conversation."
She walks over and rips the bottle from his hands. "No, I need you sober for this."
He huffs out an annoyed breath. "Fine. Sit. Explain."
When they've both settled on the couch she barely knows where to begin. Taking a deep breath, she starts. "So, right after you said goodbye to me that night-"
"The day before our four-month anniversary." He looks at her with sad eyes. "I remember," he says quietly.
Her throat tightens. "Right. Well, right after you left...Chuck called me."
Dan's eyes close at his name and she sees him clench his fists.
She continues, "He called and asked if I could do him a favor. I-"
Dan laughs bitterly. "A favor? The fucking nerve of that guy."
"I know," Blair agrees. "I told him that. But he insisted that it was important. He said that some potential business partners were coming into town and asked to have dinner with him and his girlfriend Blair. They remembered me from a few years back."
"There's no way these guys didn't know of your marriage to Louis. You were on the cover of every newspaper in the world," Dan says, unbelieving.
Running her hands through her hair, she lifts her shoulders. "I know, Dan. I told him that. But apparently they assumed we'd gotten back together." He raises a brow at the excuse. "I thought it sounded odd as well, but...that's what he said." She waits for him to balk again, but he thankfully doesn't. "I immediately said no. I told him I was with you and he didn't deserve any help from me. But he sounded desperate, and kept insisting that nothing would happen. He'd only hold my hand while entering the restaurant, and that's it. Dinner, drinks, no kissing, no PDA, nothing."
She looks down at her hands, the wall, the kitchen, anywhere but him. "I thought it would be alright. I figured that if Serena needed help, you'd do it for her. I'd be fine with that. If nothing was going to happen, what was the harm?"
Dan lowers his head into his hands. "Blair, me helping Serena, my ex-girlfriend, is significantly different than you helping Chuck." He looks up at her. "See, I didn't punch a window right next to Serena's face, or leave her at an airplane hanger, or, I don't know, sell her for a-"
"I know, okay? I know," she interrupts, tears lining her eyes. "Do you know how many times I've replayed that night in my mind? Do you know how many times I've played out the scene at the dinner table, with Chuck reaching for my knee under the table as he sips his fourth drink? Do you know how many times I replay when I got up from the table to leave early? Or when he followed me out into the alley behind the restaurant to save face and pretend we were having a lovers spat?" She wipes her eyes. "Do you know how many times I think about how he backed me into a wall to act out a passionate moment? And how when I tried to get away he put his lips to my neck?"
His eyes flare with anger at her words.
She takes a ragged breath. "Do you know how many times I replay that fucking camera flash? I knew in that moment it would be on Gossip Girl. And when it did get posted...the shame I felt...the embarrassment...the regret...the..." She can't think of another word to fit the emotions she felt that night. Trying to catch her breath, she stands up and walks away from the couch. It was all coming back to her in waves. "And when I walked into my apartment...the look on your face." Her voice cracks, and at the sound Dan stands up too. "Oh, god the look on your face," she sobs.
"Blair..."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Dan. For everything. I shouldn't have gone with him. I don't know why I did. I didn't owe him anything. I was with you. I just-"
He walks up to her and cups her face with his hands. Thumbing her tears away, he nods. "I know," he soothes.
Her words tumble together with her tears. "I just...I just wanted to believe he could be good for a change. That he could tell the truth. That I could believe him. And I know I shouldn't have, I know that now-"
"I know you did," he assures, hoping she'll go quiet. But she keeps talking and his heart is breaking at her voice and god she just won't stop talking and crying. He lowers his head to kiss away her tears and quickly moves from her cheek to her lips to stop her. He presses short, soft kisses to her mouth, one after another, and revels in the fact that she finally goes silent. He pushes her hair away from her face when he pulls back. His voice strong, he asks, "Did he hurt you?"
She shakes her head. "No," she answers immediately. "Not physically. You'd know if he did." She takes a moment to study his face. "Dan, he just touched my knee and kissed my neck. I didn't let him do anything further."
Relief fills him to the brim, not because he now knows she didn't cheat, but for the assurance that she wasn't hurt.
"Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know, I didn't know any of it." His eyes feel wet.
She looks up at him, cheeks red from crying and lips red from kissing and her eyes flash with hurt. She pushes his shoulders. "You left me Dan! You left before I could explain myself! Before I could even tell you what happened!" she fumes, pointing her finger into his chest. She hastily wipes her eyes. "I know I made mistakes that night, believe me I know. But you made the biggest one of all: You gave up on us. You gave up on me and moved across the country." She grabs his lapels to push him away, but for some reason pulls him closer. Wants him closer.
"I'm sorry, Blair. I'm so sorry I left without letting you explain." He shakes his head and brushes her cheek again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left."
"No, you shouldn't have," she whispers sadly, shaking her head. "I missed you. I missed you so much."
"I missed you too," he says, pressing kisses to her wet cheek again in between repeating the words. "I...miss you."
She bites her lip and looks up at him with those big brown eyes. "I miss us."
He presses a final kiss to her lips before they both step back. He rubs his forhead. "But I'm mad at us."
"So am I."
"I'm still mad at you."
She nods. "I'm still mad at you."
He lets out a long breath and paces back and forth. Blair watches his every move, unsure of what he's thinking, unsure of what's next, unsure of what to say.
"How about this," she begins after a long moment, "How about you go home and think. I'll stay here and think. And then we'll meet up tomorrow when we're both ready. When we're ready to talk again. About what happened. About us." She walks over to the chair where he'd flung his coat and picks it up. "It's late, we're both tired, and I don't know what I'll say or do if you stay here. You're clouding my judgment."
He looks her over. All red-lipped and rosy-cheeked and god that tantalizing dress that keeps tempting him to do things he probably shouldn't do to her and nods, fully agreeing with her plan. "Okay." He takes his jacket from her and slips it on.
"Call me tomorrow?" she asks, walking to open the door.
"Yeah."
After one last look at each other, he leaves. Locking the door and taking another breath to calm herself, Blair walks slowly to her bedroom, replaying their conversation in her mind. His smell lingers in the air and she gets an overwhelming feeling to bottle it up. Because she's still unsure of what will come of this all.
She's mad at him. She still so very mad at him. But-even so-she wants to wrap herself in his chest and never let go.
Once in her room, she submits to the feeling of him and puts on her favorite t-shirt of his that she kept. She washes her face, brushes her teeth, and shuts off her bedroom lights, more than ready to escape to sleep. Sliding into bed and under the covers, she shuts her achy eyes and feels relief that the day is over. She hasn't felt this emotionally spent since the night he left.
She's almost asleep when she hears a knock. And then another and another. Drowsily, she slides out of bed and walks cautiously to the hallway.
When she opens the door and he sees her there, eyes still red and standing in his old NYU t-shirt he thought he lost, he's knows he's never been so sure of himself.
"There's nothing to think over."
Her heart starts to beat wildly. "What?" she asks, focusing on staying standing because her knees suddenly feel weak. She's wide awake now.
Walking into her apartment for the second time that night, he repeats himself. "There's nothing to think over."
The feeling that's being knotted deep inside her for three years uncoils at his words. Because the truth hits her. It suddenly hits her. "No," she agrees, shaking her head. There isn't anything to think over.
Dan is walking towards her, and she's slowly walking backwards, and the only sounds in the air are their footsteps and breath. She meets his gaze and his eyes are somehow serious and genuine all at the same time. When her back hits the wall, he brings his hands up to hold her head. "You're it for me."
Warmth spreads through her bones.
"Yeah," she nods.
"I forgive you."
"Yeah," she nods again, incapable of saying anything else. She mouths the words back to him.
His fingers gently skim her skin. "I pick you."
"I pick you too."
His eyes scan her beautiful face. "I can't not. I've tried since I left New York. I've really tried. But you've somehow kept my heart hostage for the past three years, because no matter who I tried to move on with...they're just not you."
She nods again, still seemingly unable to do anything else. "You're it, Dan. You're mine."
He kisses her then, kisses her so intensely the world starts to blur and she's positively breathless. His lips are warm and familiar and when his tongue caresses her own she can't help but sigh into his mouth.
He pulls away and wraps his arms around her. Hugging her somehow makes this sink in. "I love you," he whispers into her neck. He feels her nod her head. "I love you, okay? Only you. With all my heart. I love you more than writing, and Brooklyn, and waffles, and Jenny, and my parents, and Addie, and Penny all combined."
Blair chokes out a watery laugh. She's crying again, but for happy reasons. "Really? More than Penny?" She brings her hands up to wrap around his neck and looks into his eyes. They give him away. They give away his honesty.
"Really," he says. "Pen's got nothin' on you."
She smiles and kisses his stubble, his chin, his cheek, his nose, raises on her tip-toes to reach his forehead, and then lowers herself to his lips. "I love you too. Oh, honey I love you so much."
Dan presses his mouth to hers again. "We're gonna make it, okay? We're stronger than this. We'll be okay." Another kiss. "We'll last. We're worth it. I won't give up. I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm not letting you go," she tells him, caressing his cheek. They can't stop touching each other. "You're stuck with me."
"I'm okay with that." He grins, and when he does his eyes crinkle in that way she adores. "Even if you do steal my t-shirts."
She smiles bashfully. "Good. Because you're not getting it back. I'll never take it off."
He tugs the worn, soft fabric and skates the skin of her hipbone with his fingers. "Not even just for tonight?" he teases, eyes darkening when she stifles a moan.
Sliding out of his grasp, she takes his hand and starts pulling him towards her bedroom. "I think I can make an exception."
.
.
.
A/N: This was pretty emotional for me to write. Because of the subject matter, but also because I was so happy to be writing again. I missed it. I'm graduating from college next weekend and so I've naturally been thinking over the past four years. Writing fanfiction became a way for me to de-stress, gave me an excuse to carve out time for myself, and became the creative outlet I so desperately needed in the thick of academia. I'm only now realizing the great value of what it did for me.
I'm so so sorry for the long wait. I hope this update was worth it. I'm planning on writing an epilogue, so there'll be one more chapter.
I'd love to know your thoughts!