Night, the Beloved

[ivyfallsdown]

Chapter One - Fated Meetings

Just a day,
Just an ordinary day.
Just trying to get by.
Just a boy,
Just an ordinary boy.
But he was looking to the sky...

Ordinary Day - Vanessa Carlton

I was late. I was so so late.
Mentally, I cursed myself as I struggled to reach the studio.
I had no idea why I had taken the deal to leave the comfort of my home in Los

Comments

[fffriction1984]

I guess I'll continue reading this, but, and here comes the criticism you wanted XD, maybe you shouldn't make them sound so cliche. you know, like Uruha and the alcohol or Ruki being all jumpy and giddy and cute. It feels a bit OOC. :3

“Gomen nasai. Daijoubu desu ka?” (I'm sorry, are you alright?) personally -being a writer myself- I'd do that differently. I wouldn't use Japanese at all in general, because if you want to use Japanese, do the whole thing in Japanese. I know people who get really annoyed by those random phrases thrown in here and there (this is not random, of course), but instead of typing it in Japanese and putting the English meaning in brackets behind the Japanese, it'd be better for the (reading)flow if you'd just type all that in English and make it italics to emphasise it wasn't Ivory's mother tongue. ^^ feel free to ignore this though, just an advice ^^

[ivyfallsdown]

Thank you! This was exactly the kind of thing I felt I needed help with.

I had a feeling that I was portraying all of them as cliche, but I tried to base it on how they were as real people, and I think it kinda backfired on me. Oops. I'll work on making their characters more personable I suppose.

As for the Japanese thing, I actually had not planned to use very much of it, especially not random bits thrown in, that gets on my nerves too. The italics thing is a much better idea, makes me feel dumb that I didn't think of that ^^;

Also, I really appreciate that you would like to continue reading, usually my first and second chapters of stories are very difficult for me. Its usually because of issues like stated above. This probably sounds odd but I have to get used to the 'style' of writing different people.

Thank you so much for your insightful comment :) It was very helpful.

[fffriction1984]

but I tried to base it on how they were as real people - hate to burst your bubble, but we don't know them as real people, therefore it's almost impossible to portray them like that. Okay, maybe you know them personally, that's a different thing then, but I guess you don't, eh? ^^ Everyone is somehow acting OOC to an extent, that's always true with real people, still I would try not to make it too much cliche. Hm. I don't know how to explain this, but I think you get that. ^^

yeah, sure thing I keep on reading. I know that myself. There are always a few chapter that are essential for the story to grow upon, so I usually read a minimum of 5 chapters. You have me hooked, now reel me in XD

[ivyfallsdown]

Haha, I wish I knew them as real people =3 That would make writing this so much easier!

I guess the best way I can explain it is that I wanted to make them recognizable?

I'm working on the next chapter, so I hope when its posted it doesn't disappoint you! :)

Thanks again!