(no subject)
edit: villagephotos sux maaaaaaan
Well it is Monday of vacation and I have no goals yet. Nothing after which to strive. It used to be perfect grades. Then it was the perfect running form. And then and then and then oh what am I talking about im fucking lost without a plan.
you see, i get to whatever it is i have been searching for and i feel so hopeless and guilty because it doesn't satisfy me. i live for the hunt and that feeling of risk that i get. that's my high. i obsess over an idea or something until i get worked up to a fever pitch and i can't think about anything else and it's GO GO GO or if i stop i will die.
well i've stopped and im not dead yet and i feel like i should have collapsed or something already. crazy? not. i don't know what im going for. if not running or people or thoughts than what am i living for.
i sit online and wait for that im message box to flash orange and when it doesnt come i go and make myself something to eat or i do abs or read a chapter from a book and then check again and it doesnt do me any good its downright self destructive its like searching through the cereal box for the fucking prize and when you dont find it you feel shitty or if you pull out a ring and you wanted a spoon that changes color you feel even worse but what do you do you can't shake your life upside down like you do to the frosted mini wheats and be like hey where the eff is the meaning you just sort of have to live and stop searching because you'll never get the spoon that changes to purple and back to green when you stick it in milk.
i was always like the kid who looked for the prize in the cereal box. always. i was always a bit of an outsider. i never knew quite what to do with those arms and legs. i was always the skinny girl who knew a plethora of useless knowledge, hello my name is megan and did you know that lake baikal is the deepest lake in the world oh hello whyyyyyyyyyy. i was crazy even up till sophomore year. maybe even through midterms of last year. i dont know i guess something snapped into place then. well. i dont remember much because my brain has repressed so much of what was so incredibly horrible for us last year. so my memory is a tableaux of flickering pictures and it skips from sitting alone in her basement to a lonely run to the couch to the ohhh the couch to Roxbury and then to a dentist parking lot where i was liberated while listening to the red hot chili peppers and repenting for my sins while singing finger banging at the top of my lungs. and then my memory picks up and i remember the good months and then summer where i felt like i had a true purpose and i helped do good and then august where i got really sick and had amazing fun trying to find the pits and such and then this school year walking to school in clothes from sicily and thinking about owning the school and everything and Christ omg omeffing wowowowo it's already January and i want to wear sandals again and my blue skirt and run around barefoot and swim in my frigid pool while listening to ladytron turned up full blast and fall asleep on a blanket on a boat up in the lakes region and wade around and catch fish with my sister and her best friend and pretend that there is nothing wrong and with the sunlight refracted upon the water and sending about little shoots of rainbows you're looking at the world through rose colored glasses and it's really beautiful, but i would rather not be ignorant because im trying to have more sense about life.
and im still that crazy girl who overanalyzes everything and will never find the end of the rope and be content i wont ever be content and i hate this place where people don't like you listening to weird music or offbeat kids and if you do then the gremlins in Chemistry or homeroom will have something to say about it, oh yes you better watch out because its a cold world and ive discovered the key to life which is that the craving of acceptance will be the downfall of the human race. and this town is a junkyard for hopes and desires and it's just teenage wasteland, oh this is nothing new aren't we all trying to discover ourselves? you'll never find the answer you'll just cover your sorrows in that suburbia you've supposedly sought after. and the bars and the rapists and dirty snowbanks and the filth is all too much for me. and the man who was an engineer in croatia is a janitor in some poor inner city high school and nobody fucking cares because we're america and we don't really care, just assimilate and be like us one giant fat disgusting mass. but where else would i live? i love it and then i hate it at the same time. hate that people are hypocritical, including me. hate how people are judged and you're persecuted if you smoke a joint and it's not that big of a deal, isn't everybody out to find who they are? it's sick when we discover people and find where there loyalties lie and you discover people and shit and their personalities and oh i looooooooooooooooooooooove it alllllllllll,
Well it is Monday of vacation and I have no goals yet. Nothing after which to strive. It used to be perfect grades. Then it was the perfect running form. And then and then and then oh what am I talking about im fucking lost without a plan.
you see, i get to whatever it is i have been searching for and i feel so hopeless and guilty because it doesn't satisfy me. i live for the hunt and that feeling of risk that i get. that's my high. i obsess over an idea or something until i get worked up to a fever pitch and i can't think about anything else and it's GO GO GO or if i stop i will die.
well i've stopped and im not dead yet and i feel like i should have collapsed or something already. crazy? not. i don't know what im going for. if not running or people or thoughts than what am i living for.
i sit online and wait for that im message box to flash orange and when it doesnt come i go and make myself something to eat or i do abs or read a chapter from a book and then check again and it doesnt do me any good its downright self destructive its like searching through the cereal box for the fucking prize and when you dont find it you feel shitty or if you pull out a ring and you wanted a spoon that changes color you feel even worse but what do you do you can't shake your life upside down like you do to the frosted mini wheats and be like hey where the eff is the meaning you just sort of have to live and stop searching because you'll never get the spoon that changes to purple and back to green when you stick it in milk.
i was always like the kid who looked for the prize in the cereal box. always. i was always a bit of an outsider. i never knew quite what to do with those arms and legs. i was always the skinny girl who knew a plethora of useless knowledge, hello my name is megan and did you know that lake baikal is the deepest lake in the world oh hello whyyyyyyyyyy. i was crazy even up till sophomore year. maybe even through midterms of last year. i dont know i guess something snapped into place then. well. i dont remember much because my brain has repressed so much of what was so incredibly horrible for us last year. so my memory is a tableaux of flickering pictures and it skips from sitting alone in her basement to a lonely run to the couch to the ohhh the couch to Roxbury and then to a dentist parking lot where i was liberated while listening to the red hot chili peppers and repenting for my sins while singing finger banging at the top of my lungs. and then my memory picks up and i remember the good months and then summer where i felt like i had a true purpose and i helped do good and then august where i got really sick and had amazing fun trying to find the pits and such and then this school year walking to school in clothes from sicily and thinking about owning the school and everything and Christ omg omeffing wowowowo it's already January and i want to wear sandals again and my blue skirt and run around barefoot and swim in my frigid pool while listening to ladytron turned up full blast and fall asleep on a blanket on a boat up in the lakes region and wade around and catch fish with my sister and her best friend and pretend that there is nothing wrong and with the sunlight refracted upon the water and sending about little shoots of rainbows you're looking at the world through rose colored glasses and it's really beautiful, but i would rather not be ignorant because im trying to have more sense about life.
and im still that crazy girl who overanalyzes everything and will never find the end of the rope and be content i wont ever be content and i hate this place where people don't like you listening to weird music or offbeat kids and if you do then the gremlins in Chemistry or homeroom will have something to say about it, oh yes you better watch out because its a cold world and ive discovered the key to life which is that the craving of acceptance will be the downfall of the human race. and this town is a junkyard for hopes and desires and it's just teenage wasteland, oh this is nothing new aren't we all trying to discover ourselves? you'll never find the answer you'll just cover your sorrows in that suburbia you've supposedly sought after. and the bars and the rapists and dirty snowbanks and the filth is all too much for me. and the man who was an engineer in croatia is a janitor in some poor inner city high school and nobody fucking cares because we're america and we don't really care, just assimilate and be like us one giant fat disgusting mass. but where else would i live? i love it and then i hate it at the same time. hate that people are hypocritical, including me. hate how people are judged and you're persecuted if you smoke a joint and it's not that big of a deal, isn't everybody out to find who they are? it's sick when we discover people and find where there loyalties lie and you discover people and shit and their personalities and oh i looooooooooooooooooooooove it alllllllllll,