all these things I've yet to do
I can't think straight right now, so here is a list of all the things I have to say:
- My jaw is killing me. Pretty sure my wisdom teeth are trying to get out but they have nowhere to go. Strangely enough, I don't feel any wiser for it.
- I dreamt my mother died last night and woke up sweating. It was horrible. I called her as soon as I woke up, to see if we could have lunch. She was busy and bustling and on her way to a meeting - couldn't stop to talk, probably wouldn't even have a lunch break in which to coffee with me. I fell back to sleep, relieved that everything was as it always is.
- The night before last, I dreamt that my scalp was itching and crawling and trying to seperate itself from my skull. So I shaved all my hair off and went to visit my Aunt. Is it any wonder I stay awake, afraid to go to sleep?
- I tell myself to believe in us but I really don't know if I do. It's not fireworks and spontaneity. It's comfortable and stable. I'm concerned that this is not growing or changing. I don't...do this. I want to be able to. I want to figure out if that girl can be me. I just think my scepticism about my own romantic ideals is holding me back.
- I have eaten far too much ice cream tonight. Whose idea was it to buy a WHOLE FUCKING TUB?
- You're damn right I'm not the person to call or see when she breaks up with you. You called when I was with Nic. I took the call. I would have come to listen to all that shit, masochistic as that is. You left me for her, for a new start; to make a real go of it this time. Then she left you because you didn't care about her. And you come crying to me. That is in no way fair. And yet, I would have come.
- I didn't get the part. I didn't get A part. What am I going to do with all this time?
- At least we are ok. Is it too ambitious to ask for more?
- Ross wants me to play the lead. It won't happen for another 2years, if ever. But he wants me to do it. I love that he, at least, believes in me.
- Nic dyed all his hair red for Green Week. ALL his hair. No exceptions. I am starting to think he can be a bit of an idiot jock. I haven't yet decided if that's in the cute way.
- I'm really worried that you will do something stupid. You talk to me because I care. Because I know. Because I'm not in your circle of friends. And because I might just be your saving grace, whether or not you or I like it. The worst part is that I cannot just say "fuck off" and walk away. I will always be there. Even though I know you wouldn't do the same.
- New housemates downstairs cook delicious-smelling curries.