Season 1, Episode 7
Just thought you guys should know that the preview image for this episode is Wesley holding Jareth from Labyrinth's crystal ball with 2 hot men in underwear to the right of him. In a jungle or something. LOL IS THAT WESLEY'S HOLODECK FANTASY WITH RIKER SOMEWHERE AS TARZAN
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Picard: Riker says the lifeforms are similar to us.
Troi: Riker says a lot of things. Like he'll call you.
Picard: Where is he, anyway?
Riker *already on the planet talking with an alien chick*: You got two legs, I got two legs, let's put 'em together and see what happens.
SHE WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE, RIKER, THAT'S WHAT'LL HAPPEN
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LOL Beverly interrupting Troi...aaaand Troi just announced the obvious 2 seconds later. That Troi, always full of surprises.
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IF THIS SHORE LEAVE IS LIKE TOS SEASON ONE SHORE LEAVE I WILL DIE OF JOY. DIE I TELL YOU
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HOLY FUCK, WESLEY! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SITTING THERE
Wesley: It's ok, I'm used to being unnoticed...
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Also aww, Wesley's "Mommy, do you love me?" look.
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Riker and Tasha are back from doing the entire planet's population while Data was the awkward third wheel.
Riker and Tasha *in the turbolift*: HA HA YEAH CLASSIC RIKE-SHA *high-five*
Data *standing as far away from them as possible*: YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST CHANGED YOUR CLOTHES OR MAYBE WASHED YOUR HANDS. SOMETHING
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Riker (about the planet): It's beautiful. It will startle you.
Beverly: Sounds perfect for the children.
Everyone *tries not to look at Wesley, the only child in the room*
Wesley: JUST SAY IT ALREADY
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OMG WESLEY IS LICKING HIS LIPS AND LOOKING AT RIKER. WHAT.
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Geordi: They make love at the drop of a hat.
Riker and Tasha: YEAH THEY DO!
Data *hunched down in his seat and muttering under his breath*: YOU GUYS ARE SO GROSS
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LOLOLOL TASHA JUST CONFIRMED THAT ABOVE NOTE OMG:
Tasha: Any hat.
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LMFAO Picard's Puritan "I hope you're at least engaged to them" look at Tasha.
Tasha: You don't know how engaged I was.
Data: YOU ARE DISGRACING FEMALES EVERYWHERE
Tasha: Was I EVER!
Data: Shut up Shut UP SHUT UP
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LOL Picard offering Wesley as a sacrifice.
Picard: Wesley, you get to go down first.
Wesley: Oh boy!
Riker: WESLEY NO IT'S A TRAP
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Picard'll probably spend his shore leave imagining he has a full head of hair. YEAH I SAID IT
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OMG HOT PEOPLE EVERYWHERE
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Hot people *jogging over to Riker to say again*
Worf: Careful, sir!
Riker: Nah, it's ok, I know them.
(LOL YEP. Riker: Those are the Edo we met before. FUCKIN' CALLED IT)
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JEALOUS, TROI? I bet they don't state the obvious 24/7. They probably just moan like hell I want to do everyone on this planet
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Awkward Worf and Troi as Riker's creepy hugging the Girl Hottie.
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Guy Hottie (to Troi): I must welcome this lovely one.
Troi: OMG SOMEONE FINDS ME DESIRABLE
So it is a fantasy planet!
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TASHA OMG ADORABLE FACE WHEN SHE HUGS GUY HOTTIE
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Most platonic hug EVER from Worf.
Worf (to Riker): SIR HER HAND IS INVADING MY PANTS, PERMISSION TO USE PHASERS
Riker: NO, calm the fuck down.
Worf: BUT SIR STRANGER DANGER--
Riker: I SAID NO JUST ENJOY IT
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Girl Hottie (to Wesley): I do not know your love custom.
Riker *watching them like a shark*
Wesley: Uhh...
Riker *intense glare*: WESLEY. WESLEY, LOOK AT ME.
Wesley *looks over at Riker*
Riker: I will tell your mom on you SO BAD.
Wesley *all defiant*: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD Just do whatever you normally do.
Girl Hottie *sees Riker miming slitting a throat so she just awkwardly hugs Wesley*
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LOL RIKER. "Play?"
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FUCKING WESLEY COCKBLOCKING THE ENTIRE AWAY TEAM
Wesley: I'd better go on ahead, I'm saving myself for marriage.
Everyone:
Wesley *walking away with shoulders hunched and head down as he tears up*: Just ignore them, they don't understand that true love is pure.
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Wesley: PFFT of course we can run, right Commander Riker? PLEASE PLAY WITH ME DADDY
Riker: That's the custom here--fucking running.
Sure it is, Riker, sure it is.
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Riker (to Worf): When in Rome, huh?
Worf: When in where, sir?
Riker: Know what else the Romans liked to do, Worf?
Worf: ...fight?
RIKER GODDAMN KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS
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Also that's jogging, not running. LOL Tasha clutching her side as she claims the place is an Eden. Guess the earlier "greeting" must have drained her.
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Riker: We may surprise you in a lot of ways.
This is pretty much the best lecherous Riker episode ever. With lecherous Tasha, too. <3
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LOL RIKER NODDING HIS APPROVAL AT WESLEY TO JOIN THE HOT KIDS
Riker (yelling after him): REMEMBER WHAT I TAUGHT YOU
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OH MY GOD CAN I LIVE ON THIS FUCKING PLANET FOREVER JESUS
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Geordi: Hey Data, what do you think they're doing down there?
Data: EVERYONE Knitting.
Geordi: ...really?
Data: Yeah. Knitting clothes for all the BABIES THAT ARE GOING TO BE MADE. FILTHY!
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The invisible things revealed itself but I still don't know what the hell it is. Watch it turn out to be a device that prettifies all the people on the planet because they all look like Quasimodos.
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Picard: Data, what the hell is going on?
Data: Hell if I know.
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Apparently Glinda the Good Witch's bubble came out of the shadow thing. RUN IT'LL GET YOU PREGNANT
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LOL Picard' "Bitch please, don't you come no closer" stare-off with the bubble.
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Picard are you bullshitting an explanation? And you call yourself a professional.
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OMG DATA'S FACE <3
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DATA'S UNCONSCIOUS OMG CALL THE SPACE COPS OR POP THE BUBBLE OR SOMETHING BARCLAY GIVE HIM MOUTH-TO-MOUTH IT'S THE ONLY WAY
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Wesley is so fucking awkward in this episode. It's painful to watch. Also games = sex, I'm guessing.
Kid Girl Hottie: Dude, I just wanted to throw a ball with you.
Wesley: Oh thank God.
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Wesley: BASEBALL, MOTHERFUCKERS, DO YOU PLAY IT?
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Riker stops at the ONE group of people who are playing "guess-the-number-on-the-dice" instead of macking or banging.
Group playing dice: Join us, you'll love it.
Riker: Uh, I doubt it. Maybe never later.
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RIKER WILL NEVER LEAVE THIS PLACE. Say goodbye to your First Officer, Picard.
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OMFG RIKER'S ASS JESUS CHRIST
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LOL Riker's like, "CONTINUE TO DESCRIBE HOW YOU HAVE SEX, WORF, THIS IS PURELY PROFESSIONAL INTEREST".
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Riker, you want to eyefuck Worf a little more? I'm sure his averted gaze means it's not making him uncomfortable at all.
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Reluctant Riker having to be responsible. "Fuuuck, I guess we should see what's wrong." *heavy sigh*
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LOLOL WORF YOU'RE MY HERO
"Including Wesley? The boy?"
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Aww, Worf going back for Tasha.
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Tasha *between Girl and Guy Hottie*: That is extraordinary, I'VE had sex with five people at once too!
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Or you guys could be talking about there being no crime on the planet, I guess that's extraordinary too NOT.
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Worf, calm down. It's probably death by snoo-snoo.
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OH GOD WESLEY IS GOING TO BE IN A PUNISHMENT ZOME AND BREAK A RULE ISN'T HE
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I think Worf just had that exact same thought.
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Wesley being the only fully clothed one among 3 almost naked kids. AWKWARD. He just wanted them to throw the ball far ahead so he could run away from them and reassure himself that he's ok with his choices and who he is.
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RIKER TO THE RESCUE
Riker (to Mediators): WHOA WHOA WHOA BACK THE FUCK UP WHO ARE YOU
Wesley: Siryou'recrushingmeinyourarms.
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LMFAO
Wesley *deepens voice*: I'm with Starfleet. We don't lie.
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Riker: WAIT WHAT PUNISHMENT IF IT'S SPANKING LEAVE IT TO ME I'M A PRO
Mediator: Death. Now stand asi--
Riker: FUCK. THAT. SHIT. *picks up a Mediator and throws him like 20 feet*
Other Mediator *runs*
Wesley: MY HERO
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Riker: Is this poison?
Mediator: B-but he would f-f-feel nothing!
Riker: IS. THIS. POISON?
Mediator: Y--
Riker *throws syringe down and stamps on it*: IMAGINE THAT WAS YOUR BALLS
Mediator: Look, you scared him!
Riker: I scared him!?
Wesley: He was going to kill me? *starts crying* THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN I MEET NEW PEOPLE
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Riker: Enterprise, come in. (nothing) Enterprise, seriously. (still nothing) Data, stop being an ass and respond. (nothing yet again) Dude seriously, we need to leave RIGHT NOW.
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DATA GET UP OMG DON'T DIE
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Riker (to Picard): We have serious trouble with...(pause) a member of our away team and the law here.
Picard: IS IT WESLEY
Riker: Uhh--
Picard: IT IS, ISN'T IT, JUST LEAVE HIM
Beverly: HEY
Picard: It's okay, bb, we can make a new one.
DUST DOESN'T MAKE BABIES, PICARD
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Picard: Where is the boy?
Guy Hottie: He is safe and unharmed.
Picard: Why?
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I'm sorry, Guy Hottie, you're talking about lack of advancement or something but all I'm paying attention to are the two racks right behind your head.
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EWWWW, GUY HOTTIE, INFERIORITY COMPLEX MUCH? What a bitch.
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Picard: Oh, no, there's this thing called the Prime Directive, go ahead and execute Wesley.
Girl Hottie: Riker explained it to us.
Picard: DAMNIT RIKER
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Picard: There's something not entirely real or solid above your planet. Do you know what it is?
Girl Hottie: ...do you mean God?
Riker *stands up immediately*: Oh- kay, time to go.
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DATA YAY
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Girl Hottie's gonna beam up with Picard and Beverly'll be there in the Transporter Room.
Beverly: So Data wanted--*sees Girl Hottie* THE FUCK IS THIS
Picard: Uhh--
Girl Hottie: Hi, I'm--
Beverly: OMG JEAN-LUC HOW COULD YOU
Picard: Also your son may be dead.
Beverly: OH CAPTAIN, THE BETRAYL *runs away sobbing*
Picard: JULIET WAIT
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Oh. SHIT. Picard basically told Beverly to STFU about her concern for Wesley so Picard could pay attention to Girl Hottie. SOMEONE GONNA GET HYPOSPRAAAAAYED
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LOL Picard's "Do you see? Do you see how this attractive girl is with me, Beverly?" look.
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Data *all alone in Sickbay*: SO I GUESS NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT WHAT I HAVE TO SAY
I do!
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OH FUCK IT'S A LASER...MAYBE?
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Beverly: If he were your son, you'd be as frightened--
Picard: HE'D BE DEAD
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Data is SO mad at being kept waiting.
Picard *walks into Sickbay*
Data: Oh, finally. You finished FORNICATING or whatever it was that delayed you?
Picard: I was--
Data: EW, sicko, don't tell me! Is Tasha still down there DID SHE MENTION HOW I COMPARED TO THE OTHER MEN ON THAT PLANET PLEASE TELL ME I NEED TO KNOW
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Data: I was about to say easy, but the whole thing was hard. Yeah. *raises hand for a high-five*
*No one high-fives him*
Data *lowers hand all sulkily*: WHATEVER. If I was Riker you'd high-five me so hard my fingers would break
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PICARD FUCK YOU
Picard (snapping at Data): DATA, DON'T BABBLE!
Data *shuts up immediately and starts trying not to cry*: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL CREATOR
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YEAH, DATA, YOU TELL PICARD TO GO FUCK HIMSELF (but politely, since it's Data)
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LOL Data sulking after giving Picard a one-word answer.
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Data: Wait, Beverly's face looks funny, what happened while I was out?
Beverly: They want to execute my son!
Data: That's hilarious Look how upset you are! You gonna cry?
Beverly: SHUT UP! *storms out*
Data (calling after her): YOU shut up crybaby! (to Picard) Totally dominated that conversation.
Picard: NOT THE TIME, DATA
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LOL Picard's intense stare-down with the Space Whatever.
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Picard: I need help, my friend.
Data: I WANT A CAT
Picard: NO.
Data *stands up to leave*: Fine, have fun solving your own problems.
Picard: OK, OK, YOU CAN GET A CAT.
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DATA. SO. HOT.
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LOL Picard pretending to care about Wesley.
Data: Who are you trying to fool, sir?
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DATA Y SO GORGEOUS
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Data: Perhaps the Edo is a child race.
So that's why Riker likes them!
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Beverly *walks in*
Data: You dry all your tears?
Beverly: I want to beam down.
Picard: OK, I'll go with you.
Picard and Beverky *walk out and leave Data alone*
Data *yelling after Picard*: I THOUGHT WE WERE BONDING! (silence sets in) WHY DOES NO ONE WANT TO BE WITH AROUND ME *puts face in hands and sobs in anguish*
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Riker's ready to kick everyone's ass if Wesley isn't brought in RIGHT NOW
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LOL Beverly's "This chick again?" look at Picard as Girl Hottie kneels and presents badge to him.
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Girl Hottie: You must be gods.
Picard: No, we're not.
Riker: Whoa, speak for yourself.
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WESLEY SO FUCKING PITIFUL AND TRAGIC
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Picard: You're not involved in this, boy.
Wesley: Actually, sir, I am.
*awkward stunned silence*
Picard: YOU DARE TALK BACK TO ME FUCK IT EXECUTE HIM IDGAF
Riker: NO I LOVE HIM
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LOL nothing happening when transport is requested.
Mediator: God has prevented your escape.
Beverly: FUCK YOUR GOD
Riker: Will that save Wesley 'cause if so I will totally do it
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The real reason they can't beam up:
Data *in Transporter Room blocking Transporter Chief from controls*: WHERE'S MY CAT
Transporter Chief: What are you talking about?
Data: I WAS PROMISED A CAT DAMNIT
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LOL Data flirting with Troi (that's what it looked like to me when Picard and the others walked in)
Data: So I'm in charge now, baby, how you feel 'bout cats no babies EVER
Troi: I sense that you're attracted to me.
Data: Crap, forgot about that stating the obvious thing, nevermind.
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Wait, where was Geordi? Scrounging sloppy seconds, y/y?
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Riker: Agreed, sir. Short and sweet. Like Wesley.
LOL Pedo Riker will always be funny.
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And Picard still doesn't get any from Beverly, even though he saved THE BOY her son.
I LOL'D a lot. Think that means I enjoyed this episode.
Also even though this is like 20 years too later: How AWESOME is Worf?