Journal Entry 1
So, I am twenty one years old. I am in school and everything about me is normal. This is going to be a journal of things I can’t say to anyone though. I will put some personal things up, which is really weird for me. Since I can’t say some of this stuff to people in my life, I am telling you.
I am bisexual. That is kind of scary for me because it kind of hit me out of nowhere. I know some people say stuff like “Oh I knew forever.” No, it didn’t work that way for me. I was into only girls all of my life, until I was 18 and Jared Padalecki entered my life. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t love Jared just because he is hot. He is an amazing talented actor, and he has inspired me in a lot of ways. I owe him so much. But right now this journal entry is about my realization of who I am.
I remember the first time I saw Jared Padalecki, I was playing the online game for his movie Cry Wolf. I remember thinking he was kind of cute in the picture that is on the game. I didn’t really know what I was feeling at the time though. Then I went to see the movie, and I was entranced by him, especially the scene where you can see his legs! I thought he was very cute, but still I didn’t realize what I was feeling.
I started watching Supernatural for him and just started to love him. He is amazing. I remember the first time I had a sex dream about him, I am not talking some weird in passing dream, I am talking hot and heavy waking up with cum in my PJ’s. I was freaked out and I felt so guilty. Then I remember the first time I saw the photo shoot, you know the one where he is in a wife beater all dirty and sweaty working on the car? Yea, I remember clicking the X on the web browser and ignoring it. Because the feelings I got from those pictures scared me.
Then I remember watching the episode hell house, I was watching it with my brother. The scene where he busts out in that towel… My throat dried up and I could feel my heart pounding.
That summer the season two photo shoots came out, the pictures of him in the pretty boy baby blue shirt really turned me on. That is when I started jerking off to Jared. I felt so bad about it, but I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t fight it. I mean, I was still really turned on by girls, but just giving into it was so enthralling! It was one certain picture that broke me, he is looking ahead and he was so hot.
Anyway, I just started to feel less and less guilty about my activities until I started to enjoy myself. I still wasn’t bisexual, at least in my mind. I just had a man crush. Everyone has one. It wasn’t until a couple months ago when I started my community, J-Pad Fanboys that I started to think it could be more than that. Then about a week ago, I was thinking to myself. If a nice, good looking guy, asked you out, would you say yes? And the answer was yea. That’s when I knew I was bisexual. I am ok with that, its pretty awesome being ok with it. I mean I get to like girls AND dudes!
I have two different feelings, it’s weird. When I picture myself with a girl, I am the dominate male. The boss of the relationship, having her get me something to drink while I watch tv, and stuff like that. But when I picture myself with a dude, I see myself as taking care of him. Rubbing his feet for him and taking care of him. I know I probably sound like a lunatic. Oh and if I were to date a guy he wouldn’t be girly acting. If I was in the mood to date a girl I would go out with a girl, if I am dating a dude I want a man you know?
Anyway, I can’t tell anyone close to me about my revelation. My family isn’t gay bashers or anything, but I don’t think they would be cool with it, and my friends wouldn’t either. Plus I don’t really feel the need to tell them. I am still into girls and I plan on marrying one. So unless I fall in love with a dude then I would have to tell them, but otherwise no.
I just wish I could change my myspace profile to say “Bi” and stuff like that. But I can’t because people would find out. So that sucks. And who knows, maybe if I try dating a guy I might not like it and it will go back to just being a fantasy. I get kind of excited when I think about going out with a dude though, like my hands start to shake and my throat dries out. Its something I defiantly want to try. And if I find a girl, I would need someone who is ok with me being Bi, because I don’t plan on stopping jerking it to J-Pad. Its awesome.
Anyway, that’s all for now. You can leave a comment if you want, I would enjoy that. But I think this was a good outlet to let some of my feelings out. I will probably keep writing so stay tuned if you want. I plan on getting into more than just me being bi, I will probably get into life issues I cant talk about with anyone.
Signing Off
J_padfan