(no subject)
sitting on top of the hill, i could see connecticut. i've never been to connecticut before. i've never been north. does that matter? she's calling me a liar and i don't know which for. i'm sorry if i don't care, either. what a helpful girl: overlooking my shoulder and trying to possess the life in my "control", but at the same time shirk her own. i remember when she was the girl everyone wanted and the girl i needed.
"what do you want to do today?" what a rhetorical whatever. sometimes it's my choice and sometimes it's hers but today i can tell that it's not mine.
i just want to sit on top of this hill in front of the sheriff's car watching pennsylvania. "now it's pennsylvania," she says.
yeah it is. it's whatever the fuck i want it to be.
eventually we went to get some food from the grocery store and go home and whatnot. i make it a point every day to spend at least fifteen minutes looking at rhode island on top of that fucking hill where the buildings are nice and neat and pearly white but from a distance. she's learned to accept that the hill is whatever i want it to be. sometimes we'd fight and she'd leave me behind for a week or so because of the time i was putting into just sitting there.
later she told me she would spend hours by herself on top of that hill when we were needlessly fighting. it's where we always went but she didn't think she'd see me there. i was a bit surprised. for about a year she did nothing but grumble and complain, sitting in the car, late for work. i asked her what she saw there. she told me that she couldn't make herself go back home, but home was always visible from atop the hill. a car careening and coasting for five seconds is all it would take to get back.
it's the highest place i've ever been, whatever that translates to. i don't expect you to understand. i don't expect you not to. i guess that place kind of destroyed us and then recreated us. it was what i needed to find who i was and where i wanted to be. it was what she needed to finally understand me. things are different now: harmonious and in accord.
you didn't want to hear the beginning. it was about me passing by the fucker every day.