Recovery, chapter sixteen
summary: Ian dies of cancer. Anthony visits his wayward brother.
warnings: swearing, mentions of suicide
rating: pg-13
Though Anthony intended on spending the next few days alone with his self-pity, the day following nearly quitting his job and his big breakup with Kalel he got a phone call from his mother, worried that he’d not paid his brother his monthly visit. Though Anthony desperately wanted to stay in his house alone, thinking of everything he lost and all he pushed away, he knew he couldn’t disobey his mother like that, so he took the car and drove to his brother’s place, hating himself for caving in to his mother the whole way.
He avoided talking about his brother to everyone, except Ian of course, he being the only one who could make him feel even slightly okay with the situation. His brother, Lee, was only nineteen, but had already gotten himself in so much trouble in his life. Gangs, drugs, prison, now living in a reform house as a neighbor to recovering addicts and victims of abuse. Anthony visited him once a month to see how he was, usually alone but sometimes with Ian or Kalel, and then left him and every thought of him there when he left.
It was hard, knowing his brother grew up like this. Only a few years younger, but so much different. He recalled his descent into dark places, knowing he couldn’t stop it. He recalled the day Lee was shot, and he thought his brother would die, and the fear in him.
“I’m starving, Ian, wanna order pizza after this?” Anthony asked his friend as they played their video game together.
“Sure. Would your mom mind?” Ian asked, shooting an alien.
“Nah, she won’t be home ‘till late tonight.”
They played their game for a few minutes more, feeling the casual bond of friendship between them, and for a moment, the only problems in the world were the aliens on their screen. Ian glanced over and gave him a fond smile, and he returned it, feeling a warmth in his chest. They were nineteen, just getting started on Youtube, but they felt as though they were on top of the world.
And then they heard the gunshot.
They looked at each other at once, both terrified, then paused the game and ran down the stairs.
“Hey, hey!” Ian yelled, and Anthony saw someone running out the door.
“Jesus fuck.” Anthony said, looking around wildly. “Do you see a bullet hole anywhere? What did he shoot?”
“I don’t -- shit!” Ian noticed something, swore, and rushed behind the counter, beyond Anthony’s viewpoint.
He quickly followed Ian, panic causing his chest to tighten, and then came to a halt, staring at the ground in immeasurable horror. Ian was crouched over a tiny frame, that of his younger brother, and blood was pooling underneath him and staining his clothing. Anthony felt as though he was going to faint or be sick, but terror paralyzed him.
“Ant, call for an ambulance, I’ll put pressure on the wound, okay?” Ian pressed his hands onto Lee’s side, his pale skin instantly turning red, and Lee remained motionless, eyes closed and face pale. Anthony didn’t move.
“Ant? It’s okay, he’s gonna be okay, but you have to call 911.” Ian said to him, his voice raised as though trying to get through.
“Ian.” Anthony whimpered, feeling his lower lip quiver. He was sure his whole body was shaking, and he felt weak at the knees. Ian clearly recognized this, and stood quickly, leaned over, and grabbed Anthony’s hand.
“It’s gonna be okay. I promise. You staunch the blood, I’ll dial the phone.” He helped Anthony kneel to the ground, his knees soaking with the hot blood. He handed Anthony a nearby kitchen towel, and Anthony pressed it to his brother’s soaked shirt, watching it turn red. He looked at Lee’s torso, barely moving, but he was still breathing.
“I need an ambulance, it’s an emergency. Our brother’s been shot, he’s unconscious-”
Anthony heard Ian talking on the phone at the other end of the room, and he felt a grimace on his face as tears began to drip down his cheeks. His hands were shaking beyond belief, his whole body was humming, he could barely breathe. He’d never been so terrified in his entire life.
“Ant, they said to keep applying pressure, they’re on their way.” Ian returned, then crouched down in front of his shaking, crying friend. “Hey. Look at me. He’s gonna be okay.”
He grabbed another dish towel, dried his hands slightly, and touched Anthony’s face, a bit rougher than he wanted to, but he needed to control his friend.
“He’s going to be fine. You need to breathe. Breathe.” Ian commanded, looking directly into his eyes, and they let out a breath at the same time. Anthony took a deep breath in, then looked over to his brother, and his breath came out shaky.
“Ant.” He leaned in, their foreheads touching, and Anthony felt the terror still thick in his veins. “You need to calm down.”
“I’m scared.” He whispered, chest tight.
“Me too. But we need to help Lee, and we can’t do that when we’re shitting ourselves in horror.” Ian said, and Anthony gave a watery chuckle. Ian moved upwards unexpectedly and kissed the top of Anthony’s forehead, and though Anthony blushed, he was sure it was more for comfort than it was out of love. Besides, Ian definitely didn’t feel that way about him.
They sat next to each other, breathing heavy, staunching blood, and waiting, and though Anthony was terrified, he felt infinitely better knowing Ian was with him.
Anthony sighed. One of Lee’s friends shot him over a debt, and Lee ended up almost dying for it. Now the kid was serving time in juvie. They were both only fourteen.
He signed in at the front desk and made his way to room 33, where his brother greeted him. Now nineteen, the same age Anthony was when he saw Lee so hurt, he went from oddly small to taller than his older brother, at six feet. They didn’t look related at first glance; Anthony had dark hair versus Lee’s light brown, dark brown eyes against his brother’s green eyes, tanner skin that had recently paled to the same shade as his brother. Their bone structure was different, their muscle matter, the way they stood and spoke. No one could easily believe they were brothers.
“So how’s my favorite big brother?” Lee asked as he sat on the couch in his tiny living room.
“To be honest, it’s been the worst month of my life.” Anthony said, standing, and went around prodding cabinets and peaking in drawers.
“Come on, Anthony, you know the counselors do that already.” He said, waving his hand as though asking Anthony to sit with him. “And I’m sorry about your month. Mom told me your friend died.”
“Mom doesn’t know the half of it.” Anthony sighed, still combing over the place. Reaching into a coffee table drawer and touching the top, he sighed again. “And what’s this?”
“Dammit, Anthony, I need to protect myself if some of the old guys come around. Now sit down, tell me what’s up.”
“Everyone who visits you has to sign in with the receptionist.” Anthony replied, grabbing the taped object and pulling it out of the drawer. “A gun, really?”
“You never know.” Lee shrugged, and Anthony wondered how anyone could be so permanently cocky.
“I’m taking this with me.” He said as he sat down across from his younger brother. “And I’ll tell you about Ian if you want me to.”
“Yeah, how did he bite it?” He smirked, and Anthony glared at him.
“Have some respect, he saved your life once. And it was terminal cancer.”
“Jesus. Sorry, bro, that really blows.” He leaned back, the pity not apparent on his face, surprising and relieving the man who expected it. Instead there was a distant sadness on his face, and for the first time in ages, Anthony related to his brother.
“You don’t even know how bad it is.” Anthony leaned forward, trusting his brother more than usual. “We put out a new video eight days after he died. I have no control over the company anymore, I took a break yesterday, too.”
“A break?” He leaned forward as well. “Are you quitting Smosh?”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “Probably. Have you been watching, have you seen his replacements? They’re awful, I can’t believe they decided to just throw some strangers in like nothing ever happened.”
“That sucks ass. But what about Ian, man, he would’ve wanted you to keep doing Smosh, right?”
“I don’t know, he didn’t mention. Maybe, but I don’t want to do it without him. I can’t.” Anthony looked down at the cheap carpeting, then at Lee’s worn out shoes, thinking he ought to buy him a new pair.
“All the angsty fanfiction I’ve read isn’t so funny now.” Lee said, leaning down further and resting his elbows on his lap.
“They were right, too.” Anthony mumbled, not sure whether or not he wanted Lee to hear it.
“About what?” Lee asked, tilting his head slightly. Anthony sucked his breath in, then looked up at his brother.
“Ian was in love with me. He didn’t tell me until the end. And I love him back.”
“Holy shit.” He sat up straight. “Holy - you’re gay?”
“No. I just...it’s Ian. I think about him nonstop. I want to eat ice cream with him and lie next to him and kiss his forehead. How could I not love him?” He stared at the ceiling then.
“Do you think about him like, like sexually?” Lee stared at him with an odd fascination.
“Yes.” Anthony rolled his eyes.
“Shit. It’s real then. Gay sex and everything. But what about Kalel?” He looked genuinely concerned now, and Anthony couldn’t think of a time when he’d been so invested. Usually he just listened to a few anecdotes, thanked him for visiting, and yawned.
“We broke up yesterday, she’s getting her stuff on Monday.” He shook his head.
“What? Who dumped who?”
“I broke up with her.” Anthony sighed, not knowing if he should talk about it.
“Because you love Ian. And you can’t be with her if you love him.” He said with perfect understanding. This was what made it apparent that they were brothers; though they differed in looks, actions, and opinions, they understood each other beautifully.
“Yeah.” He nodded, wondering what his brother would say next.
“That’s insane. And illogical. And self-detrimental.” He leaned forward, brow raised and voice strong, trying to tell Anthony what he was saying was important.
“Nice vocab word.” Anthony answered, and Lee smiled for the first time.
“My therapist taught me. But look, man, you loved and supported me when all the shit I did could be described with those three words. So I’m here for you.” He nodded to Anthony, and for the first time in a while, he felt an ounce of relief.
“Thanks. I appreciate it.” Anthony smiled softly, not used to his brother displaying emotions. “I should get going.”
“Yeah, okay. Come back soon though, don’t do the monthly thing like usual.” They stood up and hugged, Lee clapping him on the back. “And it’s totally okay that you like cock, I’m still here for you.”
“Shut up.” Anthony smiled, knowing he was joking around. He grabbed the gun from the coffee table and began to walk out the door, tucking it into the back of his jeans, when Lee spoke once more.
“You be careful with that, okay?” He said with a sad smile and a wavering voice, somehow still looking cheeky enough to mask it. Anthony turned and looked at him sadly. He knew.
“Sure.” He agreed, not quite a lie, and walked out.
He would be careful with the gun. He would be very careful shooting himself.
A/N1: hello! i understand Anthony has two younger brothers but i have no idea what their names are or what they're like or anything. i assume they're upstanding gentlemen and this story is not here to degrade them in anyway or assume them to be anything they're not.
A/N2: ok advice to all you cutie patooties; don't introduce a character to a story this close to the end as a way to achieve something, it's very easy and lazy, bad writer, don't do that. i'm finishing this story some time in the next two weeks so i'm rushing through crazy fast. don' t do that though.
warnings: swearing, mentions of suicide
rating: pg-13
Though Anthony intended on spending the next few days alone with his self-pity, the day following nearly quitting his job and his big breakup with Kalel he got a phone call from his mother, worried that he’d not paid his brother his monthly visit. Though Anthony desperately wanted to stay in his house alone, thinking of everything he lost and all he pushed away, he knew he couldn’t disobey his mother like that, so he took the car and drove to his brother’s place, hating himself for caving in to his mother the whole way.
He avoided talking about his brother to everyone, except Ian of course, he being the only one who could make him feel even slightly okay with the situation. His brother, Lee, was only nineteen, but had already gotten himself in so much trouble in his life. Gangs, drugs, prison, now living in a reform house as a neighbor to recovering addicts and victims of abuse. Anthony visited him once a month to see how he was, usually alone but sometimes with Ian or Kalel, and then left him and every thought of him there when he left.
It was hard, knowing his brother grew up like this. Only a few years younger, but so much different. He recalled his descent into dark places, knowing he couldn’t stop it. He recalled the day Lee was shot, and he thought his brother would die, and the fear in him.
“I’m starving, Ian, wanna order pizza after this?” Anthony asked his friend as they played their video game together.
“Sure. Would your mom mind?” Ian asked, shooting an alien.
“Nah, she won’t be home ‘till late tonight.”
They played their game for a few minutes more, feeling the casual bond of friendship between them, and for a moment, the only problems in the world were the aliens on their screen. Ian glanced over and gave him a fond smile, and he returned it, feeling a warmth in his chest. They were nineteen, just getting started on Youtube, but they felt as though they were on top of the world.
And then they heard the gunshot.
They looked at each other at once, both terrified, then paused the game and ran down the stairs.
“Hey, hey!” Ian yelled, and Anthony saw someone running out the door.
“Jesus fuck.” Anthony said, looking around wildly. “Do you see a bullet hole anywhere? What did he shoot?”
“I don’t -- shit!” Ian noticed something, swore, and rushed behind the counter, beyond Anthony’s viewpoint.
He quickly followed Ian, panic causing his chest to tighten, and then came to a halt, staring at the ground in immeasurable horror. Ian was crouched over a tiny frame, that of his younger brother, and blood was pooling underneath him and staining his clothing. Anthony felt as though he was going to faint or be sick, but terror paralyzed him.
“Ant, call for an ambulance, I’ll put pressure on the wound, okay?” Ian pressed his hands onto Lee’s side, his pale skin instantly turning red, and Lee remained motionless, eyes closed and face pale. Anthony didn’t move.
“Ant? It’s okay, he’s gonna be okay, but you have to call 911.” Ian said to him, his voice raised as though trying to get through.
“Ian.” Anthony whimpered, feeling his lower lip quiver. He was sure his whole body was shaking, and he felt weak at the knees. Ian clearly recognized this, and stood quickly, leaned over, and grabbed Anthony’s hand.
“It’s gonna be okay. I promise. You staunch the blood, I’ll dial the phone.” He helped Anthony kneel to the ground, his knees soaking with the hot blood. He handed Anthony a nearby kitchen towel, and Anthony pressed it to his brother’s soaked shirt, watching it turn red. He looked at Lee’s torso, barely moving, but he was still breathing.
“I need an ambulance, it’s an emergency. Our brother’s been shot, he’s unconscious-”
Anthony heard Ian talking on the phone at the other end of the room, and he felt a grimace on his face as tears began to drip down his cheeks. His hands were shaking beyond belief, his whole body was humming, he could barely breathe. He’d never been so terrified in his entire life.
“Ant, they said to keep applying pressure, they’re on their way.” Ian returned, then crouched down in front of his shaking, crying friend. “Hey. Look at me. He’s gonna be okay.”
He grabbed another dish towel, dried his hands slightly, and touched Anthony’s face, a bit rougher than he wanted to, but he needed to control his friend.
“He’s going to be fine. You need to breathe. Breathe.” Ian commanded, looking directly into his eyes, and they let out a breath at the same time. Anthony took a deep breath in, then looked over to his brother, and his breath came out shaky.
“Ant.” He leaned in, their foreheads touching, and Anthony felt the terror still thick in his veins. “You need to calm down.”
“I’m scared.” He whispered, chest tight.
“Me too. But we need to help Lee, and we can’t do that when we’re shitting ourselves in horror.” Ian said, and Anthony gave a watery chuckle. Ian moved upwards unexpectedly and kissed the top of Anthony’s forehead, and though Anthony blushed, he was sure it was more for comfort than it was out of love. Besides, Ian definitely didn’t feel that way about him.
They sat next to each other, breathing heavy, staunching blood, and waiting, and though Anthony was terrified, he felt infinitely better knowing Ian was with him.
Anthony sighed. One of Lee’s friends shot him over a debt, and Lee ended up almost dying for it. Now the kid was serving time in juvie. They were both only fourteen.
He signed in at the front desk and made his way to room 33, where his brother greeted him. Now nineteen, the same age Anthony was when he saw Lee so hurt, he went from oddly small to taller than his older brother, at six feet. They didn’t look related at first glance; Anthony had dark hair versus Lee’s light brown, dark brown eyes against his brother’s green eyes, tanner skin that had recently paled to the same shade as his brother. Their bone structure was different, their muscle matter, the way they stood and spoke. No one could easily believe they were brothers.
“So how’s my favorite big brother?” Lee asked as he sat on the couch in his tiny living room.
“To be honest, it’s been the worst month of my life.” Anthony said, standing, and went around prodding cabinets and peaking in drawers.
“Come on, Anthony, you know the counselors do that already.” He said, waving his hand as though asking Anthony to sit with him. “And I’m sorry about your month. Mom told me your friend died.”
“Mom doesn’t know the half of it.” Anthony sighed, still combing over the place. Reaching into a coffee table drawer and touching the top, he sighed again. “And what’s this?”
“Dammit, Anthony, I need to protect myself if some of the old guys come around. Now sit down, tell me what’s up.”
“Everyone who visits you has to sign in with the receptionist.” Anthony replied, grabbing the taped object and pulling it out of the drawer. “A gun, really?”
“You never know.” Lee shrugged, and Anthony wondered how anyone could be so permanently cocky.
“I’m taking this with me.” He said as he sat down across from his younger brother. “And I’ll tell you about Ian if you want me to.”
“Yeah, how did he bite it?” He smirked, and Anthony glared at him.
“Have some respect, he saved your life once. And it was terminal cancer.”
“Jesus. Sorry, bro, that really blows.” He leaned back, the pity not apparent on his face, surprising and relieving the man who expected it. Instead there was a distant sadness on his face, and for the first time in ages, Anthony related to his brother.
“You don’t even know how bad it is.” Anthony leaned forward, trusting his brother more than usual. “We put out a new video eight days after he died. I have no control over the company anymore, I took a break yesterday, too.”
“A break?” He leaned forward as well. “Are you quitting Smosh?”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “Probably. Have you been watching, have you seen his replacements? They’re awful, I can’t believe they decided to just throw some strangers in like nothing ever happened.”
“That sucks ass. But what about Ian, man, he would’ve wanted you to keep doing Smosh, right?”
“I don’t know, he didn’t mention. Maybe, but I don’t want to do it without him. I can’t.” Anthony looked down at the cheap carpeting, then at Lee’s worn out shoes, thinking he ought to buy him a new pair.
“All the angsty fanfiction I’ve read isn’t so funny now.” Lee said, leaning down further and resting his elbows on his lap.
“They were right, too.” Anthony mumbled, not sure whether or not he wanted Lee to hear it.
“About what?” Lee asked, tilting his head slightly. Anthony sucked his breath in, then looked up at his brother.
“Ian was in love with me. He didn’t tell me until the end. And I love him back.”
“Holy shit.” He sat up straight. “Holy - you’re gay?”
“No. I just...it’s Ian. I think about him nonstop. I want to eat ice cream with him and lie next to him and kiss his forehead. How could I not love him?” He stared at the ceiling then.
“Do you think about him like, like sexually?” Lee stared at him with an odd fascination.
“Yes.” Anthony rolled his eyes.
“Shit. It’s real then. Gay sex and everything. But what about Kalel?” He looked genuinely concerned now, and Anthony couldn’t think of a time when he’d been so invested. Usually he just listened to a few anecdotes, thanked him for visiting, and yawned.
“We broke up yesterday, she’s getting her stuff on Monday.” He shook his head.
“What? Who dumped who?”
“I broke up with her.” Anthony sighed, not knowing if he should talk about it.
“Because you love Ian. And you can’t be with her if you love him.” He said with perfect understanding. This was what made it apparent that they were brothers; though they differed in looks, actions, and opinions, they understood each other beautifully.
“Yeah.” He nodded, wondering what his brother would say next.
“That’s insane. And illogical. And self-detrimental.” He leaned forward, brow raised and voice strong, trying to tell Anthony what he was saying was important.
“Nice vocab word.” Anthony answered, and Lee smiled for the first time.
“My therapist taught me. But look, man, you loved and supported me when all the shit I did could be described with those three words. So I’m here for you.” He nodded to Anthony, and for the first time in a while, he felt an ounce of relief.
“Thanks. I appreciate it.” Anthony smiled softly, not used to his brother displaying emotions. “I should get going.”
“Yeah, okay. Come back soon though, don’t do the monthly thing like usual.” They stood up and hugged, Lee clapping him on the back. “And it’s totally okay that you like cock, I’m still here for you.”
“Shut up.” Anthony smiled, knowing he was joking around. He grabbed the gun from the coffee table and began to walk out the door, tucking it into the back of his jeans, when Lee spoke once more.
“You be careful with that, okay?” He said with a sad smile and a wavering voice, somehow still looking cheeky enough to mask it. Anthony turned and looked at him sadly. He knew.
“Sure.” He agreed, not quite a lie, and walked out.
He would be careful with the gun. He would be very careful shooting himself.
A/N1: hello! i understand Anthony has two younger brothers but i have no idea what their names are or what they're like or anything. i assume they're upstanding gentlemen and this story is not here to degrade them in anyway or assume them to be anything they're not.
A/N2: ok advice to all you cutie patooties; don't introduce a character to a story this close to the end as a way to achieve something, it's very easy and lazy, bad writer, don't do that. i'm finishing this story some time in the next two weeks so i'm rushing through crazy fast. don' t do that though.