Ordinary, chapter 8
summary: Ian is diagnosed with cancer. In this chapter, he sees Mel for the first time since his diagnosis.
rating: pg-13
warning: sadness and mild language.
Ordinary, chapter eight
Ian and Anthony were shoveling down some American-Mexican food. Ian got the mostly lettuce tacos in hopes of it not upsetting his stomach too much, but he could feel the plan failing miserably. He also noticed Anthony was acting less wild as usual; he spoke slower and smiled less. When the meal was about three-quarters through, Ian looked at Anthony intently, while Anthony pointed the camera quietly at him.
"Something wrong, Ant? You don't look so good." Anthony looked at his lap, sighed, and turned off the camera.
Ian's heart raced. He knows, he thought, his palms beginning to sweat. He knows I have cancer and I didn't tell him. Oh God, no.
"Mel texted me today." Anthony said softly, looking directly into Ian's eyes, his own showing true concern. "She asked me if it was true you're youth counseling now, and she asked me a bunch of questions about it." Ian stared at him for a moment.
"I don't..." He trailed off in confusion.
"I don't know if she's worried, or suspicious, but the bottom line is she doesn't believe something you told her, she had to come to me to confirm it. She doesn't trust you."
Ian sighed and looked out the window behind Ant. Melanie had been asking him questions about it all week, and was persistently asking how he was feeling and if anything was wrong. She was getting suspicious of every move he made. He knew it was becoming a problem, but to Anthony he shrugged it off.
"No, man, she's just been anxious lately. Kind of clingy. She'll be fine, I'm texting her right now." More like she was texting him once every few minutes, and he was replying dully to half of them. Anthony didn't look convinced, and gave Ian a weary look.
"Okay, whatever, but she's still coming down this week, right?" Ian nodded numbly. The thought of Mel staying with him for a few days was terrifying. He knew she'd find out for sure. "Good, then. Today's the ninth, so hopefully she can get over here and settled down before Valentine's Day."
Ian nodded, and after a moment, suggested they turn the camera back on. "Let's just try to look normal, okay?" He suggested as Anthony flipped it on. They spent the rest of the show pretending things were normal, when worry really clouded them both.
After the episode ended and Anthony decided to go home, Ian texted Mel to see if she got her tickets. "Yep, bought and paid for :))" was her quick response. Ian sighed, settling into the chair he had not risen from. Now he couldn't tell her not to come. He rubbed his eyes, trying to push back a headache. He loved Melanie, he really did, but now he had some thinking to do before he picked her up from the airport. "see u monday, gonna be there 5 days :)" was the next text Ian received from her. Monday, February 13th. Was he really going to break up with his girlfriend the day before Valentine's?
***
Monday came too quickly for Ian. He was up early, sick and panicky, and spent much of the morning pacing before leaving at ten thirty, driving to the airport. It was a beautiful day, sunny with a small breeze and only the slightest chill, and it helped Ian gather strength. At 11:30, he parked outside the waiting section of the airport, and soon saw Mel approaching.
He felt as though his chest was being crushed by a giant hand. She looked casually beautiful as always, hair flowing, as she carried her rolling suitcase to the trunk of Ian's car. He opened it for her, then opened the passenger door so she could climb in and kiss his cheek.
"How was the flight?" He asked with a small smile as she buckled up, not looking directly at her.
"Exhausting, as usual. At least there was no crying baby this time." Mel smiled, perky despite dark circles beneath her eyes.
"Ah, yeah, you had such a migraine last time I picked you up." Ian recalled, thinking of her last visit several months earlier. Melanie chuckled.
"Yeah, oh my God, I was grumpy that day."
"'Grumpy?' I was scared for my life, it was like talking to a tigress." Ian commented, and they both laughed lightly.
"Traffic's not that bad." Mel noted, looking out to the highway ahead of them that held only about a dozen cars.
Ian agreed. "Once, like last year, Ant and I were taking this highway, we were literally the only ones on it, it was like the apocalypse." Melanie smiled, and they rested in a few minutes of comfortable silence, before having a one-sided conversation about the Smosh site, Mel doing most of the talking.
The hotel was close to the airport, which Ian was extremely thankful for as he drove into the parking lot a few minutes later. He couldn't hold a proper conversation with her in fear of letting his secret slip out. Mel gave him a confused look as they drove in.
"What're we doing here?" Ian sighed, feeling her stare as she waited patiently for an answer. He didn't look at her, instead staring at his fingers nervously tapping the steering wheel.
"We need to talk, Mel." Ian said softly. She stared at him silently. "I just...I-" He faltered and looked out the window. There was a small garden next to the parking lot, with a lonely bench being covered by flowering vines.
"Ian?" He could hear the worry, the actual fear in her voice.
"You're a great girl, you're amazing, but I don't love you." He lied. "I think you deserve someone who does. I hope we can stay friends." He sat silent, looking again at his now shaking fingers. Her mood beside him was unreadable, before he turned and looked into her eyes. A mixture of sadness and anger resided there, and he looked away quickly, burned. He dug an electronic card from his pocket.
"The room's under my name, I paid for all five days. Mel..." He looked at her, hand holding the card outstretched, as she stared at him.
"Is this why you've been texting less? Because you don't love me anymore?" Ian looked down. "What about Anthony?"
He looked back up, surprised. "What about him?"
"Is he still dating Kalel?" She gave him a funny look, that didn't distract him from the tears in her eyes.
"Yeah, why wouldn't he be?" She just shook her head.
"I thought...I just thought we'd be together forever, Ian." she shook her head again, looking at him with fire in her eyes. "Don't text me. Don't fucking talk to me again. Waste of my time." She unbuckled, snatched the key from his hand, and left the car, just as the tears began escaping her eyes. Ian was completely still and silent as he opened the trunk for her, which she closed with a slam, and drove away.
After a minute or two, tears started to fill his own eyes, and he eventually pulled over, nauseous and sobbing. He exited the car on the side of the highway, and rushed to the grassy area just beyond, dropping to his knees and vomiting. He stayed there for several moments, shaking and heaving, before stumbling weakly back to his car. He sat alone, body racked with uncontrollable sobs.
***
"You look down, boy." Ian had been sitting in one of Kris' comfortable plush chairs, the old therapist next to him. They were only a few seconds into the appointment, and the silence was overwhelming. Ian had spent the previous hours at home in tears, trying to ring himself dry in preparation for the therapy appointment. Now he sat, tearless, but with a scratchy throat and aching head.
"I am, sir." Was his mumbled response. Kris nodded expectantly, and Ian knew he wanted a story. He sighed, and began. "I broke up with my girlfriend this morning."
"Oh." It was one of understanding, not of confusion or sympathy. Just factual. "And why did you do that?"
Ian balled his fists, keeping strength. "Because I love her. Because she deserves someone living. Because she was so close to finding out..."
"Because she loves you, too." Kris answered.
"Loved." Ian blinked, reluctant to give way to tears once more. "She hates me now."
"Maybe," the therapist mused, "but you feel it's for the best. Not just for yourself, for her. For Anthony. For-"
"My mom." Ian finished. "I would rather have the two of us separated than all of them becoming miserable five months early."
"Five?" Kris looked ready to say more, then struggled with his wording. He asked the next bit cautiously. "How long, exactly-"
"Six months from January 18th puts me mid-June." Ian responded quickly, not wanting to think of it, and for a moment the room was silent.
"Well, then, tell me about this girl, I think you've mentioned her as Mel." Kris started again, settling, relaxed, into his chair.
"Short for Melanie." Ian smiled. "She lives in New Jersey, gets a lot of heat from it. She also lives here, which is how we met a few years back. We-we were, well, everyone said we were perfect. I think we were, but..."
"We can't change this situation, only bend it. And you've chosen that bend." Kris picked up for Ian when it was clear he had no strength to finish. Ian nodded.
"It's going to work out for her. I know it will." And he did, he was absolutely certain. In the end, things would turn out alright for the love of his life, even if they didn't for him.
***
"Here, look, it's a tattoo."
"Oh, man, I call Pikachu."
"Squirtle!"
"Run and get some water." Ian called to Anthony as he was already rushing to the sink. They were opening mail once again, and Ian was getting some cramps, not in the mood to move. He heard Anthony laughing as he handed him a wet towel for his Pikachu tattoo, but he could barely feel joy over it. While Anthony seemed happy enough, Ian was just relieved his friend didn't see how much he was hurting. Not just over stomach pains, but over Mel.
Maybe Mel was his true love or maybe she wasn't. Ian, even at this point in his life, wasn't even sure he was straight. He had loved Anthony, and backed up to keep him happy. Then he found Melanie, and he became convinced that she was good enough so he could be happy, too. Good enough. But not Anthony.
Anthony was now revealing his tattoo, a Squirtle on his arm. Ian tried to smile as he revealed his own, a Pikachu on his hand."Mine's better, but...wait..." Anthony was trying to look suddenly terrified, but Ian knew it was just the end of the episode. "Oh my God, I think...I THINK IT'S POISONED!"
Anthony made a series of crooked movements and sputters, pretend-choking on his breath. He fell over, camera still in hand. After a moment, Ian slowly crawled over, ignoring his sudden dizziness, and picked up the camera.
"Well, I guess whoever sent these just hates Anthony." He looked down at Anthony's still form and stuck out his tongue. "I'm feeling fine. Okay, leave any more suggestions for Ian is Bored down below, see you next Monday."
Anthony sat up as Ian flipped off the camera. He stood up easily, but had to give Ian a helping hand. Ian tried to act natural, but embarrassment formed a small blush on his cheeks. He was so weak that day, he planned on sleeping for hours. As they cleaned up, they both noticed how tense the silence was. Finally, Anthony broke it.
"Hey, um..." He looked like he suddenly regretted this, and Ian didn't push him to finish the sentence. He didn't want Anthony to ask him why he was so tired, or why he had lost weight, or why was he so pale, or anything else that would lead to Ian's cancer. But Anthony shook his head and finished awkwardly. "Do you know why Mel's been firing off those tweets today? She didn't answer my text, but she keeps flipping between depressed and pissed. I just..." He trailed off and looked at Ian, curious and confused. Ian looked away.
With a nervous gulp, he admitted, "Oh, um...we broke up this morning." and shoveled up torn envelopes and junk, not wanting to look his friend in the eyes. He wasn't even sure how Anthony would respond.
"What?" Anthony was in shock, but fell silent as he saw the look on his friend's face. Anger, sadness, fear, humiliation. "Oh. Can I ask why?" Ian was still gathering up garbage, and didn't look at him.
"We- I just wanted to be friends." Ian felt like he was being destroyed, like someone was tying him down and torturing him, and he was on the verge of vomiting.
Anthony nodded, then curiosity got the best of him. "Was there someone el-"
"I don't love her. That's all. Nothing else too it." Ian lied, mood darkening. He wasn't sure he could keep pretending to be normal, though, because his head was spinning, and he couldn't see the papers in front of him.
"Oh." He could hear Anthony was slightly hurt, but knew he didn't have to apologize. Not because he was a bad friend, because Anthony knew he was in pain, and would undoubtedly be alright. "Do you need me to stay with you, do some editing?" Ian closed his eyes and shook his head in response, and Anthony confused his friend's intense nausea for almost tears. He patted his friend on the back before leaving.
Ian spent the rest of the night sick, but managed to pull himself together while filming Tuesday and Wednesday. The nausea, this week, was close to unbearable, and he would've collapsed without Anthony. But his friend knew he was hurt over the break up, and watched him like a hawk while filming. He was more excited those two days, trying to keep the crew's spirit's up, but calm and gentle around Ian. He always asked him if he needed anything, always put his hand on Ian's back or shoulder. Ian knew the attention wouldn't last, and for the first time felt regret at not telling Anthony he had cancer. He knew his best friend would have spent every day of their short time together doing as he did then, with pats on the back and offers of assistance, but he could never tell- just as he could never tell of his odd love for him, Ian couldn't tell him he had five months left to live.
rating: pg-13
warning: sadness and mild language.
Ordinary, chapter eight
Ian and Anthony were shoveling down some American-Mexican food. Ian got the mostly lettuce tacos in hopes of it not upsetting his stomach too much, but he could feel the plan failing miserably. He also noticed Anthony was acting less wild as usual; he spoke slower and smiled less. When the meal was about three-quarters through, Ian looked at Anthony intently, while Anthony pointed the camera quietly at him.
"Something wrong, Ant? You don't look so good." Anthony looked at his lap, sighed, and turned off the camera.
Ian's heart raced. He knows, he thought, his palms beginning to sweat. He knows I have cancer and I didn't tell him. Oh God, no.
"Mel texted me today." Anthony said softly, looking directly into Ian's eyes, his own showing true concern. "She asked me if it was true you're youth counseling now, and she asked me a bunch of questions about it." Ian stared at him for a moment.
"I don't..." He trailed off in confusion.
"I don't know if she's worried, or suspicious, but the bottom line is she doesn't believe something you told her, she had to come to me to confirm it. She doesn't trust you."
Ian sighed and looked out the window behind Ant. Melanie had been asking him questions about it all week, and was persistently asking how he was feeling and if anything was wrong. She was getting suspicious of every move he made. He knew it was becoming a problem, but to Anthony he shrugged it off.
"No, man, she's just been anxious lately. Kind of clingy. She'll be fine, I'm texting her right now." More like she was texting him once every few minutes, and he was replying dully to half of them. Anthony didn't look convinced, and gave Ian a weary look.
"Okay, whatever, but she's still coming down this week, right?" Ian nodded numbly. The thought of Mel staying with him for a few days was terrifying. He knew she'd find out for sure. "Good, then. Today's the ninth, so hopefully she can get over here and settled down before Valentine's Day."
Ian nodded, and after a moment, suggested they turn the camera back on. "Let's just try to look normal, okay?" He suggested as Anthony flipped it on. They spent the rest of the show pretending things were normal, when worry really clouded them both.
After the episode ended and Anthony decided to go home, Ian texted Mel to see if she got her tickets. "Yep, bought and paid for :))" was her quick response. Ian sighed, settling into the chair he had not risen from. Now he couldn't tell her not to come. He rubbed his eyes, trying to push back a headache. He loved Melanie, he really did, but now he had some thinking to do before he picked her up from the airport. "see u monday, gonna be there 5 days :)" was the next text Ian received from her. Monday, February 13th. Was he really going to break up with his girlfriend the day before Valentine's?
***
Monday came too quickly for Ian. He was up early, sick and panicky, and spent much of the morning pacing before leaving at ten thirty, driving to the airport. It was a beautiful day, sunny with a small breeze and only the slightest chill, and it helped Ian gather strength. At 11:30, he parked outside the waiting section of the airport, and soon saw Mel approaching.
He felt as though his chest was being crushed by a giant hand. She looked casually beautiful as always, hair flowing, as she carried her rolling suitcase to the trunk of Ian's car. He opened it for her, then opened the passenger door so she could climb in and kiss his cheek.
"How was the flight?" He asked with a small smile as she buckled up, not looking directly at her.
"Exhausting, as usual. At least there was no crying baby this time." Mel smiled, perky despite dark circles beneath her eyes.
"Ah, yeah, you had such a migraine last time I picked you up." Ian recalled, thinking of her last visit several months earlier. Melanie chuckled.
"Yeah, oh my God, I was grumpy that day."
"'Grumpy?' I was scared for my life, it was like talking to a tigress." Ian commented, and they both laughed lightly.
"Traffic's not that bad." Mel noted, looking out to the highway ahead of them that held only about a dozen cars.
Ian agreed. "Once, like last year, Ant and I were taking this highway, we were literally the only ones on it, it was like the apocalypse." Melanie smiled, and they rested in a few minutes of comfortable silence, before having a one-sided conversation about the Smosh site, Mel doing most of the talking.
The hotel was close to the airport, which Ian was extremely thankful for as he drove into the parking lot a few minutes later. He couldn't hold a proper conversation with her in fear of letting his secret slip out. Mel gave him a confused look as they drove in.
"What're we doing here?" Ian sighed, feeling her stare as she waited patiently for an answer. He didn't look at her, instead staring at his fingers nervously tapping the steering wheel.
"We need to talk, Mel." Ian said softly. She stared at him silently. "I just...I-" He faltered and looked out the window. There was a small garden next to the parking lot, with a lonely bench being covered by flowering vines.
"Ian?" He could hear the worry, the actual fear in her voice.
"You're a great girl, you're amazing, but I don't love you." He lied. "I think you deserve someone who does. I hope we can stay friends." He sat silent, looking again at his now shaking fingers. Her mood beside him was unreadable, before he turned and looked into her eyes. A mixture of sadness and anger resided there, and he looked away quickly, burned. He dug an electronic card from his pocket.
"The room's under my name, I paid for all five days. Mel..." He looked at her, hand holding the card outstretched, as she stared at him.
"Is this why you've been texting less? Because you don't love me anymore?" Ian looked down. "What about Anthony?"
He looked back up, surprised. "What about him?"
"Is he still dating Kalel?" She gave him a funny look, that didn't distract him from the tears in her eyes.
"Yeah, why wouldn't he be?" She just shook her head.
"I thought...I just thought we'd be together forever, Ian." she shook her head again, looking at him with fire in her eyes. "Don't text me. Don't fucking talk to me again. Waste of my time." She unbuckled, snatched the key from his hand, and left the car, just as the tears began escaping her eyes. Ian was completely still and silent as he opened the trunk for her, which she closed with a slam, and drove away.
After a minute or two, tears started to fill his own eyes, and he eventually pulled over, nauseous and sobbing. He exited the car on the side of the highway, and rushed to the grassy area just beyond, dropping to his knees and vomiting. He stayed there for several moments, shaking and heaving, before stumbling weakly back to his car. He sat alone, body racked with uncontrollable sobs.
***
"You look down, boy." Ian had been sitting in one of Kris' comfortable plush chairs, the old therapist next to him. They were only a few seconds into the appointment, and the silence was overwhelming. Ian had spent the previous hours at home in tears, trying to ring himself dry in preparation for the therapy appointment. Now he sat, tearless, but with a scratchy throat and aching head.
"I am, sir." Was his mumbled response. Kris nodded expectantly, and Ian knew he wanted a story. He sighed, and began. "I broke up with my girlfriend this morning."
"Oh." It was one of understanding, not of confusion or sympathy. Just factual. "And why did you do that?"
Ian balled his fists, keeping strength. "Because I love her. Because she deserves someone living. Because she was so close to finding out..."
"Because she loves you, too." Kris answered.
"Loved." Ian blinked, reluctant to give way to tears once more. "She hates me now."
"Maybe," the therapist mused, "but you feel it's for the best. Not just for yourself, for her. For Anthony. For-"
"My mom." Ian finished. "I would rather have the two of us separated than all of them becoming miserable five months early."
"Five?" Kris looked ready to say more, then struggled with his wording. He asked the next bit cautiously. "How long, exactly-"
"Six months from January 18th puts me mid-June." Ian responded quickly, not wanting to think of it, and for a moment the room was silent.
"Well, then, tell me about this girl, I think you've mentioned her as Mel." Kris started again, settling, relaxed, into his chair.
"Short for Melanie." Ian smiled. "She lives in New Jersey, gets a lot of heat from it. She also lives here, which is how we met a few years back. We-we were, well, everyone said we were perfect. I think we were, but..."
"We can't change this situation, only bend it. And you've chosen that bend." Kris picked up for Ian when it was clear he had no strength to finish. Ian nodded.
"It's going to work out for her. I know it will." And he did, he was absolutely certain. In the end, things would turn out alright for the love of his life, even if they didn't for him.
***
"Here, look, it's a tattoo."
"Oh, man, I call Pikachu."
"Squirtle!"
"Run and get some water." Ian called to Anthony as he was already rushing to the sink. They were opening mail once again, and Ian was getting some cramps, not in the mood to move. He heard Anthony laughing as he handed him a wet towel for his Pikachu tattoo, but he could barely feel joy over it. While Anthony seemed happy enough, Ian was just relieved his friend didn't see how much he was hurting. Not just over stomach pains, but over Mel.
Maybe Mel was his true love or maybe she wasn't. Ian, even at this point in his life, wasn't even sure he was straight. He had loved Anthony, and backed up to keep him happy. Then he found Melanie, and he became convinced that she was good enough so he could be happy, too. Good enough. But not Anthony.
Anthony was now revealing his tattoo, a Squirtle on his arm. Ian tried to smile as he revealed his own, a Pikachu on his hand."Mine's better, but...wait..." Anthony was trying to look suddenly terrified, but Ian knew it was just the end of the episode. "Oh my God, I think...I THINK IT'S POISONED!"
Anthony made a series of crooked movements and sputters, pretend-choking on his breath. He fell over, camera still in hand. After a moment, Ian slowly crawled over, ignoring his sudden dizziness, and picked up the camera.
"Well, I guess whoever sent these just hates Anthony." He looked down at Anthony's still form and stuck out his tongue. "I'm feeling fine. Okay, leave any more suggestions for Ian is Bored down below, see you next Monday."
Anthony sat up as Ian flipped off the camera. He stood up easily, but had to give Ian a helping hand. Ian tried to act natural, but embarrassment formed a small blush on his cheeks. He was so weak that day, he planned on sleeping for hours. As they cleaned up, they both noticed how tense the silence was. Finally, Anthony broke it.
"Hey, um..." He looked like he suddenly regretted this, and Ian didn't push him to finish the sentence. He didn't want Anthony to ask him why he was so tired, or why he had lost weight, or why was he so pale, or anything else that would lead to Ian's cancer. But Anthony shook his head and finished awkwardly. "Do you know why Mel's been firing off those tweets today? She didn't answer my text, but she keeps flipping between depressed and pissed. I just..." He trailed off and looked at Ian, curious and confused. Ian looked away.
With a nervous gulp, he admitted, "Oh, um...we broke up this morning." and shoveled up torn envelopes and junk, not wanting to look his friend in the eyes. He wasn't even sure how Anthony would respond.
"What?" Anthony was in shock, but fell silent as he saw the look on his friend's face. Anger, sadness, fear, humiliation. "Oh. Can I ask why?" Ian was still gathering up garbage, and didn't look at him.
"We- I just wanted to be friends." Ian felt like he was being destroyed, like someone was tying him down and torturing him, and he was on the verge of vomiting.
Anthony nodded, then curiosity got the best of him. "Was there someone el-"
"I don't love her. That's all. Nothing else too it." Ian lied, mood darkening. He wasn't sure he could keep pretending to be normal, though, because his head was spinning, and he couldn't see the papers in front of him.
"Oh." He could hear Anthony was slightly hurt, but knew he didn't have to apologize. Not because he was a bad friend, because Anthony knew he was in pain, and would undoubtedly be alright. "Do you need me to stay with you, do some editing?" Ian closed his eyes and shook his head in response, and Anthony confused his friend's intense nausea for almost tears. He patted his friend on the back before leaving.
Ian spent the rest of the night sick, but managed to pull himself together while filming Tuesday and Wednesday. The nausea, this week, was close to unbearable, and he would've collapsed without Anthony. But his friend knew he was hurt over the break up, and watched him like a hawk while filming. He was more excited those two days, trying to keep the crew's spirit's up, but calm and gentle around Ian. He always asked him if he needed anything, always put his hand on Ian's back or shoulder. Ian knew the attention wouldn't last, and for the first time felt regret at not telling Anthony he had cancer. He knew his best friend would have spent every day of their short time together doing as he did then, with pats on the back and offers of assistance, but he could never tell- just as he could never tell of his odd love for him, Ian couldn't tell him he had five months left to live.