[Nine]Downfall
Nine. Curtain Call.
I want to see her but she keeps on avoiding me. I try calling her phone so many times but she doesn’t answer.
I feel so hurt that she won’t even give me a chance to make everything up to her.
Twice today, I saw her with her girlfriend on campus and I tried to pass their way but she didn’t take notice of me at all.
My chest hurts whenever I see them hold hands or when her girlfriend holds her arm.
Does she show me these intentionally to make me hurt more?
They’re now sitting on the bench as I sit behind the tinted glass window looking at them.
I see the girl talking but Yuri does nothing but hold her hand.
Now I see Yuri gently hugging her. Something that I’ve never experienced before since it would always be me that would initiate.
Why does it seem like we didn’t really share any memories together?
All we did was go out and eat, hold hands then she takes me home. Occasionally we would go to other places but besides that, we didn’t really do anything special.
What was it that she saw in me that made her fall in love with me?
We barely talked about each other and we don’t share the same interests. We have completely opposite majors and we don’t even like the same food.
Yuri, what was it that you found in me, that made you say those words?
I’m pausing at this question as I have no clear answer for it.
But then again, I really should ask myself the same question.
What is it that I found in you that made me long for you like this?
-----------------------------------
I get out of my daydream as I realize who I was looking at all this time.
Yuri’s head is now on her shoulder and Yuri is closing her eyes while holding her hand. Then I see her lift her girlfriend’s hand up and lightly kissing her fingers.
Again, I feel my heart break.
I don’t think I can take this any longer.
Seeing them leave, I follow them from a distance and I see Yuri say goodbye to her before going into the science building.
I think I’m going to tell Yuri my real feelings. I can’t take any of this nonsense anymore; I want to be with nobody but her. This time I will be the one confessing my feelings and I hope she accepts me.
She keeps on walking and walking until I realize that we’re going to the rooftop.
I guess she knew that she was being followed.
“What is it.” She calmly says, turning around at me. She sounds upset but more hurt.
“Yuri…” I try to touch her face as approach her and she backs away.
“What do you want.” She asks me roughly. I can’t help but be hurt by her words.
“I’m sorry.” I say as I’m holding back my tears. This Yuri isn’t the one that I’m used to.
Her back finally hits the fence and I brush her cheek with my thumb. She is trembling.
“I’m sorry for everything. I found out about everything you’ve been going through and I’m deeply sorry.” I feel tears slide down my cheek.
Yuri, please don’t hate me.
“How, how did you know.” She asks, panicking.
“This girl told me everything you’ve been through. Please don’t hate me, I finally realized that I love you too.” I hug her tight. I don’t care anymore. I can’t go on without her.
I feel her break the hug and she avoids my look.
I grab her and I reach in and kiss her. She reluctantly returns the kiss.
“Yuri, I love you so much.” I mumble to her. I can feel tears are sliding down on her cheek.
She pushes me away and she wipes her face. Then she moves me away from her path and starts to leave.
I swiftly grab her wrist but she doesn’t look at me.
“Now it’s time for you to chase after me.”
Those were the last words that I heard before I hear her footsteps descend from the stairs.
Was this how she felt when I rejected her?
If so, I’d hate myself too.
------------------------------------------
Friday has finally come and it’s now time for our final showcase.
I’ve decided that I should just give her time to think about what I said to her then I’ll talk to her after this big play is over.
My heart is still heavy with what she told me but I need to cast it aside for this play.
This is the most important event for my entire undergraduate career and no matter what, I can’t mess it up.
As we get into our characters, I try to peek at the audience to see if she came. But she is nowhere to be found.
There is still thirty minutes before the show so I don’t see a lot of people yet. I guess she’ll come later if she is coming.
Because of my make-up and wardrobe fitting, I barely have time to look again, and before I know it, there are only five more seconds before the entire show starts.
I stand in place, only to have my mind filled with the thoughts of her, once again.
“Five.” I recall the first time I saw her, when she was eavesdropping on our practice.
“Four.” I remember meeting her again in Uncle’s room and we started our dinners together.
“Three.” Our night spent together, it felt vague for us both but we both went through it.
“Two.” She confesses her feelings to me and I tried to reason with her that it was a mistake.
“One.” I break her, the cruelest way I knew how; just to prove a point.
“Go!”
This time, she is the one putting through all these things.
----------------------------------------------------
The play goes through smoothly though I am on the verge of tears. My breathing is heavy because my heart is wounded.
“You don’t love me at all! You tell me you loved me with all that you are but still, you try to go to your wh*re!”
“What you saw was a mistake.”
“No! Please! I don’t need your lies!”
“Please give me another cha-“
“You ask for chances but yet, you do the same thing over and over again. Have you no shame? Do you enjoy torturing me like this? Do you expect me to take all of this lightly?”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want-“
I stop at what I was about to say. It’s not like I forgot my lines or I suddenly had stage fright, I stop because I see her in the midst of all the people in the audience. I can’t tell how she’s feeling by the nonchalant expression on her face but I know that she’s watching and observing every single move I make as I continue with this play.
As I look upon her face, I can’t seem to hold my emotions anymore that I go into a word vomit.
“I loved you so much. When you told me you love me, I’m sorry if I rejected you. I was not aware of my own feelings.”
The crowd starts to mumble and I hear whispers all around me. I’m not saying the right lines from the script, but I’m trying to make her hear me out, the only way I know how.
“I was selfish that I used your company for my entertainment and I did something horrible to you without your consent. I made a stupid mistake and now I’m paying for the consequence, my heart is hurting too. Not from guilt but from what you are doing to me.”
I let my tears flow down because I can’t hold them anymore. I know that after this play, I will be scolded and quite possibly failed by my professor for this class, but I have no regrets.
“I love you but now, my heart is bleeding so much. I want you take this pain away from me. I want to be freed from this hurt.”
She stands up from her seat and she walks away. I see her leave the auditorium and I am back, back to my character and I am crying real tears, for the wrong crowd.
I resume the lines that are originally on the script, though my heart says otherwise.
“I don’t want to see you again. Please get out of my sight. My heart is dead, dead because of you.”
The curtain falls down on me and I wipe my tears away, while I sit on the stage floor.
I hear people applaud from the other side of the veil, louder than usual but I only long for one person to give me that applause and I know that I will never receive it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------