[10/10] Implied Consent
Sorry, stuff happened. Thanksgiving, Black Friday, new computer, new car, all these exams, finals next week.
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Selca 10: Implied Consent
“One.”
“Two.”
“Three.
“And stop.”
You dance in the studio with the adrenaline pumping all over your body. Each move is powerful, emotional, and for the past few weeks, you have been trying to perfect them for your upcoming debut. You concentrate at the mirror in front of you as you hold your position and catch your breath. You hear clapping coming from the back, indicating a job well done.
“That’s it for today.” The trainer tells you as you take your water bottle standing close to you. It has been a good week since you have engaged yourself in the company’s most rigorous training. You left the dorms to avoid her, as she was causing you destruction and pain every time you saw her.
“Thank you, have a good day.” You nod and bow while you take your duffel bag to go to the room that the company has given you for the training, and you go to the bathroom to shower.
Your days repeat over and over, practicing, going out with your old friends, and avoiding her whenever you are in the same room as her. Things have never been so dead in your entire life despite of how hectic your schedule is.
You lie in bed while you let your cellphone hover above you. You text Yoona once in a while, and you inquire about Jessica’s current condition. You find that she has finally broken up with Jaejoong, as she has been very busy with practice. She seemed unhappy, as Yoona says, but you understand as you would also be hurting her if you do decide to stay.
Your phone beeps again and Yoona asks you when you are going back to the dorm. She does not know that you have left permanently, or at least until you debut. You pause in search of the words to say to her, and instead, you answer her vaguely with an “I don’t know”. She replies back with a long text, encouraging you to take care of yourself more while you are enrolled in the training, and that she is always there for you. You smile at her sincerity, and you understand how you have kept her as your best friend despite of all the things she does. She cares for you, and she understands you fully, despite of how she acts on the surface. You reply with a thank you and you let your eyes close as you go into your slumber.
*~*~*~*
You walk to the coffee shop and you see her from a distance, while you sip on your frappuccino. She is looking at some sort of booklet and she is as beautiful as you remember her to be. You continue to look at her from a distance, and you realize that you feel longing for her, despite of everything that has happened. Looking at her just makes you think that she is really vulnerable and fragile, and it makes you want to shield her from all the pain that she may experience.
She moves her hand and she gently glances at her nails for several moments. You think that she must be thinking of something deep, as she continues to stare. Eventually, she gently kisses her own fingertips, imitating what you used to do that would never fail to make her blush. You think that maybe, she does miss you.
You soon finish your coffee and, with nothing else to do, you decide to leave the shop. You look at her one more time as she keeps on browsing at the pages of the booklet. Although it hurts you to know that she has finally made up her mind by choosing her own career, you understand that she is also thinking about your own career. You believe that it was her answer to your desperate attempt to be with her, something you merely made up with your emotions than your rationality.
You let out a sigh and you start to walk away from her. Both of you have sealed your fates the night that she rejected you. Two full weeks are left before your official debut. By the way things are at the moment, you believe that you may be debuting alone or in a separate group from her, because you are trained differently than the rest of the girls. You have been more exposed to dance trainings, while she is more exposed to vocal practice. It pains you to think that eventually, even seeing her from a distance in a coffee shop would be impossible and that you would have less encounters with her because both of your schedules are too tight to even allow little musings.
You miss her, and you wish that she would just take her words back and just choose you.
*~*~*~*
One full week is left before your debut and your fellow trainees are busy preparing for the final wave of elimination for the two girl groups that would be debuting in the span of two years. As you have progressed with your rigorous training, you have become a trainer’s assistant to those who have been practicing for the elimination round. That day, you just finished training one of those who needed your help at the last minute.
Someone knocks at the door of the studio you are in, but you are too preoccupied with the CD player to even answer the door.
“Come in.” You say as you hear someone knocking outside the studio you are in. You fidget with the player until you finally get it to work. You stand up and you turn around to find someone you least expected.
“Hello, Yuri.” She says with a more confident smile than you remember from.
“Hello, Jessica.” You say back as you quickly hide your confusion with a warm smile.
You stare at her for a few seconds, looking at her tired expression. She was probably done helping other trainees that you can tell that she has not rested for quite a while.
“I was told that you were going to train me today.”
“Okay.” You tell her back as you start to get into your position.
*~*~*~*
“One, two, three, and step.” Your body is against hers, but you try to keep focus and lead her across the dance floor. You find it a bit difficult to focus, though. You hide the attraction you feel for her with heavy breathing that may have come from your rigorous practice with her.
Eventually, the music stops and she holds her pose with you behind her. You unconsciously breathe on her neck, causing her to give out a deep sigh of her own and eventually she turns around and presses her body against yours. She is hugging you, holding you for some unknown reason, while you catch your breath.
“Yuri I’m sorry for everything but le-let’s make this work.” She gently tells you, and at once you feel familiar confusion surround you again. “My life is empty without you.”
You try to process her words because you do not understand why she is acting that way towards you. She had pushed you away by going out with Jaejoong and she has chosen her own dreams over you. Now, she is apologizing for the pain she is causing you, and she wants to be your lover again. With her body against yours, you hear her heartbeat and you can tell that she is nervous while saying all this to you. Maybe, she is letting her guard down for you.
“No.” You hear yourself say, unconsciously finding the word stronger than it was supposed to be. “I’m sorry I can’t, I’m debuting soon and it will be hard for the two of us. We are going to have different schedules and it will be hard to keep this a secret from everyone.”
You yourself are surprised that you are saying the same thing that she did when she rejected you.
“But it worked with me and Jaejoong.” She defends with her grip tightening on your shirt. “I broke up with him right when you left-please, give me another chance.”
“The trainees or even the company will not tolerate this kind of relationship. This is not normal, just like you said. We’re both girls and the world won’t take that. When we were in the dorm, we didn’t need anyone to know but we’re going to be celebrities in less than a year’s time.” You coldly say to her. Soon her tears wet your shirt, and it makes you think you are hurting her.
“I’m sorry but I was…I was confused, and angry at everything…I’m sorry. Please.” She cries to you, obviously desperate, lost, and yearning for you.
“Please, tell me that you don’t feel anything for me right now.”
She could do that easily-she did it before. Instead, she hugs you and starts to cry. “I love you so much.”
You hear her cry more, and all you can do is console her. No matter how hurt you are seeing her like that, you just had no choice but to tell her the truth. The fact that you can’t be together makes both of you suffer, but you have to take it all in.
“I’m sorry for everything I have done Yuri. Please, I’m really sorry.” She tells you in desperation that you do nothing but hug her back to at least stop her from crying.
You can feel her hot tears on your collar and you hold her hands, trying to keep yourself from crying along with her. You know that you have to be strong, otherwise she may do something reckless. Her knees are becoming weak and fatigue is creeping onto both of you. You walk back and you let the mirror hit your back, with her still in your arms and you slide down to sit down. Her head is resting on your chest and you wipe her tears as you kiss her forehead.
“Don’t cry…because it hurts me too.” You say to her while you hold back your own tears.
*~*~*~*
Soon she calms down in your arms, her hands holding yours. From the way she closes her eyes, you feel like she is listening to your heartbeat. You then involuntarily take her hand, and kiss her fingertips to reminisce of your time together. Your kiss is gentle but it still manages to catch her attention. She eventually looks at you, eye to eye, and she closes the gap between your lips. It was just like the first time you kissed her-her soft lips, and the sweet taste of her mouth again sends electric shocks to your body. You feel all the love she has for you through that one small kiss, and you feel your heart break even more as you become aware of the reality of things when you break the kiss.
You look at her, and see the light shade of pink in her cheeks. You caress them with your hand as you try your best to hide your tears and the pain of being away from her soon. Though you feel the kind of hurt that no one-not even her, perhaps-could understand, you content yourself with the thought that there is no other way for both of you to end love but to go forth.
“If fate gives us another chance then I will take it.” You whisper to her.
*~*~*~*
She has been asleep for twenty minutes in your arms. Her soft purrs of sleep, the cheeks you’d always caress with your hand, everything about her-it is something you’re going to miss so much. She would soon be leaving you again, and this time for good.
Her hand grips your shirt tightly, like you are her last lifeline.
“Yuri please…don’t leave me.” She says in almost a whisper.
You kiss her hand and give her a smile; you wonder if she could see the sadness in it.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” You tell her as you are at a loss of words. Death is everything’s final limit and your relationship with her has surely reached its end. “I loved you with all that I am and all that I ever was. I’m sorry for this.”
“Yuri…please, no.” She pleads with you and you let your tears flow freely in front of her as she does the same to you. “Please don’t.”
“Jessica, we both tried.” You brush her fringe away from her face. “Please let me go.”
She cries harder that it pains you to see her in such a horrible state. You hug her again as you cry with her. You hope that your simple embrace would be enough for her.
“I loved you, but we have to say goodbye.”
*~*~*~*
With Taeyeon, Yoona, and Tiffany’s help, Jessica was able to arrive home safely. They took her away from you, mercilessly restraining her from putting a hold on you. She looked desperate for you, with her tears wetting her shirt, her eyes red and her hair was a mess. You did not look at her when she madly grabbed on to all she could to get to you.
You felt betrayed by your own psyche as you realize that something you wanted all your life was also distancing you from your reason for existing. Everything about Jessica Jung, was something you loved, something you would trade your entire life for, but you have reached the end of your given timeframe, and you let go.
You took out whatever that was left of your relationship away from your shoebox as you stood on the rooftop of the building you stayed in. Seven days was left of your old life, and then you must step into the limelight and take on a new one. One free from blemishes and one, perfect for the masses. You will be an ideal model for teenagers, the perfect sister to younger kids, the perfect wife for every man; but despite all of that, you must pay the cost of erasing every single decision that you have done in your past, perhaps including the decision of loving her.
You look at the pictures of the two you, along with other pictures of your friends from your time during the academy. You feel a bittersweet peace surround you as you toss the photos onto the warm flare. They burn to dust and you finally start to move on.
No more stolen glances that get you weak in the knees.
No more soft kisses that urge you to have more of her.
No more hugs that give you warmth in the lonely hours of the nights.
No more passionate encounters that make you drunk of her.
No more “I love you”’s that send butterflies to your stomach.
Everything that reminds you of her, is now fading away like the afterglow of a forceful wildfire.
No more…
No more Jessica Jung.
*~*~*~*
The lineup has finally been released and you refuse to look at it. You are not in the mood to meet the new people yet, and there has not been an assignment for any dancing that will be happening during your imminent debut date. For the last five days, you have been practicing moves that you have not perfected and Yoona has been visiting you because of Seohyun’s frequent visits to the studio. She invites you to go to the party that the company is holding, surprising you with the fact that Yoona is in the same group as you. You then ask her for more details but unfortunately, she says that she only knows the debut date as she has been busy with practice and meetings.
The two of you talk about things in your past, apologies were exchanged-most on her part, but being a good friend that you are, you dismiss it. She is your best friend and you are thankful for having her, despite of all the wrong things she has done to you.
“Yoona, aren’t you scared that your relationship with Seohyun might be revealed publicly?” You ask her over a cup of tea. The two of you wait in the lobby for Seohyun to finish her vocal practice.
“Of course I am.” She nonchalantly replies without hesitation. “I just hope that she won’t get hurt as much as I think she will be.”
“Then why bother to continue if she’s just gonna be hurt even more?”
“It hurts me when she cries so I’ll put up with whatever abuse may come our way. I don’t know, maybe I just really love her a lot.”
The idea clicks in your head that she would take up abuse just for the one she loves. You envy her boldness and you wish you could do the same instead of ending things with Jessica. She interrupts your thoughts as she starts to talk again.
“But we can’t help seeing some things coming to an end. After next week, we won’t be able to have date or kisses in public. Not even sex in publ-"
You almost spill your drink and you see her with a wide grin on her face.
“Just kidding.”
The two of you continue to drink while relaxing on the couch. A lot of doubts are flooding the two of you and you understand that it is the anxiety that is creeping in.
“Why don’t you just give her a chance? Despite of the fact that the two of you may have different dorms does not mean you can’t see each other. Why not, Yuri?”
“I’d rather get her hurt now than hurt her more in the future.” You try to rationalize though you yourself know that there are ways to approach your problem instead of the obvious.
You expect Yoona to scold at you and tell you that what you have been doing is a stupid mistake but it doesn’t come. Instead, she is smiling as she empties her teacup.
“Hwaiting, Yuri.” She encourages you in a whisper, thoroughly supporting whatever you have decided to do and you feel relief. You have traded your love for tea and sympathy, and you feel reluctant happiness with her words. She supports you, but somehow you feel dismayed as you were expecting something else to come from her.
“But please make your last time with her memorable. I want to see her happy too.” She sets down her cup and stands up. She smiles at someone who is probably is standing behind you and you look at the direction she is facing. Seohyun is smiling back to her and you notice another person behind Seohyun. You stand up as well to get a better glance of her and Yoona whispers something to you. “Please end it better than how you did, Yuri.”
She fidgets with her hands as she stays in her position. Yoona and Seohyun have already left and the two of you are in facing each other, and she is acting like how she did during the first time she confessed. You hold out your hand to her and she takes it. You both walk towards the dorm.
When you arrive in front of your doorstep, you kiss her fingertips before you let go to take your key out. The door unlocks and you lead her to your bed. You sit on the edge and you pull her close to you and she welcomes you with an embrace. She is not crying but you can hear her heartbeat rapidly speeding up and you console her by running your hands down her hair. She is just as tense as you and each heartbeat gives you nothing but pain.
You lie down with her and she is resting at the crook of your neck. She is peacefully asleep and you kiss her forehead as you smell her peach shampoo. She is angelic while she sleeps and you wish that you can keep her forever.
*~*~*~*
You wake up alone and you look for traces of her. She is gone and you have understood that she has finally let go of you. It was a sort of goodbye to both of you and now you have become a clean slate, ready to be written in again. You look at the clock and it is 1:00 P.M. At around 5 o’clock, you will be making your way to the studio, and for the first time you will be meeting Yoona and the other girls that you will be in a group with. You feel excitement, apprehension, and relief altogether as you have finally reached the pinnacle of your life.
You have come to a point where your dream is at last, a reality.
You check your phone to find it flooded with messages and voicemails. People you have not heard from for a while from now are all greeting you with encouraging words and you find warmth within them. Several messages from unidentified numbers are also present and you hope that one of them is from her.
As you read through all these messages, you find it disturbingly strange that you have fleeting emotions when it comes to her. You are powerless over her control on you and in the times that you acted strong were also the times that you bled the most. You love her with all your heart but unfortunately, the two of you understood that the closure was inevitable.
You let go of your phone and you hold your breath while you go through your preparation. Your heavy heart was something you could not feel anymore, as it is numbing your entire body. You conclude that perhaps-no, that these are really the final hours of what is left of your love.
*~*~*~*
You arrive at the studio where your debut stage will be held. You are quickly placed in a dressing room and the stylists expertly fix your hair and make-up. A staff member briefs you on what will happen during the stage presentation, along with the lines that will be said by your so-called leader.
It takes you about an hour to get ready for everything and they rush you to go to the stage. You make your way to the backstage and you line up along with girls dressed the same outfit as you. You see Yoona in front, talking and smiling to Seohyun and you are glad that the three of you have managed to be part of the same group.
The stage director signals you to go to the stage and you find a sea of faces that have all their attention diverted to all of you. You are standing in front of a crowd with roughly more people expected in one girl group.
Screaming and claps could be heard, with occasional whistles to cheer all of you on. Someone then holds your hand and you immediately look at who it is. You turn and you feel that it is probably the best decision you have made in your entire life.
The one that took hold of your hand was nobody but her.
She looks down to avoid your gaze, similar to how possessive she was when she caught you kissing Yoona. She looks uneasy that you might not take her in, as the two of you have already exchanged your goodbyes. It takes a while for you to understand the entire situation, as it has never crossed your mind that your relationship with her can actually work, if everything was taken slowly and thought about thoroughly. The two of you were placed in the same group, and you feel overjoyed. The pain from your heart is slowly lifted away, as you look at this new hope and new opportunity to start over again.
“Yuri…p-please do-don’t let me go again.” She says to you in a nervous whisper, reminding you of the promise you made regarding your fates.
You clasp her hand back tightly, as a response indicating that you will be keeping that pledge. Right at this moment, you are indirectly showing the world that you are all for her, and she belongs to you. Perhaps one day, you will have the courage to talk about your relationship to everyone, not just the people close to you.
“Never again.” You tell her though the noise has probably been omitted with all the sound surrounding you.
You give out a warm smile in front of everyone as a response to the happiness you are feeling right now. You have never thought that you would be this happy on the day that you throw your old life away. Though you still expect hardships, pain, and criticism to come your way, the fact that she will be right along your side, makes all the difference.
You hold her hand into a more comfortable position to calm down her trembling. Just like you she is nervous but just like you, she is happy as well. You are in love with her, and you are glad that she is all yours.
Everything just comes to show, that all this was-was in a way, for you to manifest your implied consent to be hers, when you first accepted her confession.
You are meant to be and in this moment in time, fate has confirmed that.
She was yours from the start, and you wished that you knew sooner that you have given her your implied consent to be the owner of your heart.
You feel all the irony accumulate, as you realize the futility of your struggle in the past few days.
And you beam out another smile.
She is yours.
All yours.
And now, nobody can take her away from you now.
You then hear a voice coming from the background in a whisper.
“Hana.”
“Deul.”
“Set.”
All of the girls beside you take in deep breaths as you greet the world for the very first time, as a group that will define a generation.
“Hello. We’re So Nyuh Shi Dae.”
End.
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Photographer’s Notes and Acknowledgements
It is finally the end of the beginning, and I thank you for reading it. I hope you liked it as much as I liked writing it. Now, I would now like to discuss my thoughts on the story itself, as I reflect on what I have written. The idea for this story was when I was crossing the street in Los Angeles and I just thought of the idea of having an “implied” relationship with someone. “Everyone knows that both of you hold a special place in each other’s hearts, but you are not openly saying it.” This was my initial premise and I did really intend for it to become fluff. They were meant to laugh and smile at each other with each sweet act, while the people around them would assume them as a couple. It was in its own way, a form of consent to belong to each other, while giving that implication to the people that see it externally. The conflict was supposed to be the idea of doubt of Jessica, while Yuri would assure her that it was alright, with frustration and hate revolving around Yuri. In the end Jessica finally trusts her, holding her hand as an indication that she wants to make it work despite of everything against them. It was a clash between the social norms versus change in that thinking. Denial and rejection was theoretically to be done out of fear and Yuri was supposed to be stronger than she ever was in the actual story. All the themes I have said have been loosely entered into the storyline but it has varied to a great degree. I have made one-lined outlines for the chapters, by merely explaining the major events, but due to an attempt to keep the characterization consistent, I had to change it. One of the biggest changes in this was Yoona’s text being not true. Although I wanted it to be the truth, it was problematic. The reader would criticize Jessica’s actions, though in the latter parts, she is already in conflict with her words and her actions. She has kept Yuri, while being with Jaejoong, but I believe that it was more “human” that way. I like realism, and although I cannot clearly depict it unlike other people I know, I often try to have consistency. If Jaejoong did not enter the picture, it might not have been that complicated for the both of them as they would be able to build on a trust-based relationship with each other. They would have been able to understand what it means to be in love while fully understanding the variables surrounding them, but also, it will become somewhat frustrating for the reader as Jessica would continuously reject Yuri. I know that the story at this point has become one big mess, but I also hope that this has suited your liking.
To bring light to the second-person point of view, I have done it in such a way that one can internalize the emotions that Yuri felt. This was also done in Downfall, with heart-wrenching emotions ingrained in the writing. I have actually felt the emotions myself as I wrote the parts, I felt sad and at times irritated during my process of writing, and I have only liberated myself from these as I wrote the latter parts of the story. As a so-called “b-side” to Downfall, I have intended to show the other side of sadness in which I have approached it in another direction in Downfall. Implied Consent’s sadness is pain from love that one can cry over but never take revenge with. It is pain that is meant to be forgotten-in a sort of altruistic way, and looked upon as a learning experience. Downfall, on the other hand is pain that can bring out anger and hate from the person. It is pain that one may weep at it, and one would hate it, but it gives a sense of indecisiveness as the reader becomes torn between two decisions in looking for what is right. Is it the forgetting of the pain that may cause one to live a better life? Or is it the indulgence of such a downfall that can engulf and win one over to a different side of happiness?
While I do not hold the answer to these questions, I hope you will find one ideal for you.
Several times I have been asked why I have written Implied Consent. The idea was simple, and it could be done in a shorter story or so, but I have spanned it to ten chapters. Again, this has been written because of that time when I crossed the street and that was the only reason I have for it. My answer for that question is perhaps I am trying to prepare myself for the next story that I am about to take on. It is almost the same as Implied Consent, but I plan to make the characters more refined. There are perhaps recurring themes found in Implied Consent that will almost be used on the same story.
The titles I have used are all because of the things that have gone on during the times that I have uploaded the chapters, as they appealed to me most. One example is Selca 5 with Jo-Ha-Kyu which is from Noh theatre. Currently, I am taking Japanese Culture and Society, and we have learned about the art’s principles and whatnot. I found concept intriguing, and so, I have cut the chapter in a way that it is similar to that theme. They were not necessarily thought of to follow one theme, which shows that it is obviously inconsistent.
And finally, I would like to give all my thanks to the people that have helped me create this piece. Eula, Hankit, Tiffany, Marcus, Vina, and everyone else that I may have missed. I thank you for all your support. The plot refinements, the proofreading, the scenario discussions were all part of my thought process and I thank you for all the criticisms and suggestions. I thank Soshified, for letting me post my story and with my almost 200 listed readers. I also thank the people on LiveJournal that have followed this story, thank you very much.
I do not really have anything else to say but thank you! Thank you so much for reading, and I hope that you truly enjoyed.
Until next time, JacqG.
P.S. I dedicate this story to no one.
No one else but you. :unworthy:
[11.30.2010]
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Selca 10: Implied Consent
“One.”
“Two.”
“Three.
“And stop.”
You dance in the studio with the adrenaline pumping all over your body. Each move is powerful, emotional, and for the past few weeks, you have been trying to perfect them for your upcoming debut. You concentrate at the mirror in front of you as you hold your position and catch your breath. You hear clapping coming from the back, indicating a job well done.
“That’s it for today.” The trainer tells you as you take your water bottle standing close to you. It has been a good week since you have engaged yourself in the company’s most rigorous training. You left the dorms to avoid her, as she was causing you destruction and pain every time you saw her.
“Thank you, have a good day.” You nod and bow while you take your duffel bag to go to the room that the company has given you for the training, and you go to the bathroom to shower.
Your days repeat over and over, practicing, going out with your old friends, and avoiding her whenever you are in the same room as her. Things have never been so dead in your entire life despite of how hectic your schedule is.
You lie in bed while you let your cellphone hover above you. You text Yoona once in a while, and you inquire about Jessica’s current condition. You find that she has finally broken up with Jaejoong, as she has been very busy with practice. She seemed unhappy, as Yoona says, but you understand as you would also be hurting her if you do decide to stay.
Your phone beeps again and Yoona asks you when you are going back to the dorm. She does not know that you have left permanently, or at least until you debut. You pause in search of the words to say to her, and instead, you answer her vaguely with an “I don’t know”. She replies back with a long text, encouraging you to take care of yourself more while you are enrolled in the training, and that she is always there for you. You smile at her sincerity, and you understand how you have kept her as your best friend despite of all the things she does. She cares for you, and she understands you fully, despite of how she acts on the surface. You reply with a thank you and you let your eyes close as you go into your slumber.
*~*~*~*
You walk to the coffee shop and you see her from a distance, while you sip on your frappuccino. She is looking at some sort of booklet and she is as beautiful as you remember her to be. You continue to look at her from a distance, and you realize that you feel longing for her, despite of everything that has happened. Looking at her just makes you think that she is really vulnerable and fragile, and it makes you want to shield her from all the pain that she may experience.
She moves her hand and she gently glances at her nails for several moments. You think that she must be thinking of something deep, as she continues to stare. Eventually, she gently kisses her own fingertips, imitating what you used to do that would never fail to make her blush. You think that maybe, she does miss you.
You soon finish your coffee and, with nothing else to do, you decide to leave the shop. You look at her one more time as she keeps on browsing at the pages of the booklet. Although it hurts you to know that she has finally made up her mind by choosing her own career, you understand that she is also thinking about your own career. You believe that it was her answer to your desperate attempt to be with her, something you merely made up with your emotions than your rationality.
You let out a sigh and you start to walk away from her. Both of you have sealed your fates the night that she rejected you. Two full weeks are left before your official debut. By the way things are at the moment, you believe that you may be debuting alone or in a separate group from her, because you are trained differently than the rest of the girls. You have been more exposed to dance trainings, while she is more exposed to vocal practice. It pains you to think that eventually, even seeing her from a distance in a coffee shop would be impossible and that you would have less encounters with her because both of your schedules are too tight to even allow little musings.
You miss her, and you wish that she would just take her words back and just choose you.
*~*~*~*
One full week is left before your debut and your fellow trainees are busy preparing for the final wave of elimination for the two girl groups that would be debuting in the span of two years. As you have progressed with your rigorous training, you have become a trainer’s assistant to those who have been practicing for the elimination round. That day, you just finished training one of those who needed your help at the last minute.
Someone knocks at the door of the studio you are in, but you are too preoccupied with the CD player to even answer the door.
“Come in.” You say as you hear someone knocking outside the studio you are in. You fidget with the player until you finally get it to work. You stand up and you turn around to find someone you least expected.
“Hello, Yuri.” She says with a more confident smile than you remember from.
“Hello, Jessica.” You say back as you quickly hide your confusion with a warm smile.
You stare at her for a few seconds, looking at her tired expression. She was probably done helping other trainees that you can tell that she has not rested for quite a while.
“I was told that you were going to train me today.”
“Okay.” You tell her back as you start to get into your position.
*~*~*~*
“One, two, three, and step.” Your body is against hers, but you try to keep focus and lead her across the dance floor. You find it a bit difficult to focus, though. You hide the attraction you feel for her with heavy breathing that may have come from your rigorous practice with her.
Eventually, the music stops and she holds her pose with you behind her. You unconsciously breathe on her neck, causing her to give out a deep sigh of her own and eventually she turns around and presses her body against yours. She is hugging you, holding you for some unknown reason, while you catch your breath.
“Yuri I’m sorry for everything but le-let’s make this work.” She gently tells you, and at once you feel familiar confusion surround you again. “My life is empty without you.”
You try to process her words because you do not understand why she is acting that way towards you. She had pushed you away by going out with Jaejoong and she has chosen her own dreams over you. Now, she is apologizing for the pain she is causing you, and she wants to be your lover again. With her body against yours, you hear her heartbeat and you can tell that she is nervous while saying all this to you. Maybe, she is letting her guard down for you.
“No.” You hear yourself say, unconsciously finding the word stronger than it was supposed to be. “I’m sorry I can’t, I’m debuting soon and it will be hard for the two of us. We are going to have different schedules and it will be hard to keep this a secret from everyone.”
You yourself are surprised that you are saying the same thing that she did when she rejected you.
“But it worked with me and Jaejoong.” She defends with her grip tightening on your shirt. “I broke up with him right when you left-please, give me another chance.”
“The trainees or even the company will not tolerate this kind of relationship. This is not normal, just like you said. We’re both girls and the world won’t take that. When we were in the dorm, we didn’t need anyone to know but we’re going to be celebrities in less than a year’s time.” You coldly say to her. Soon her tears wet your shirt, and it makes you think you are hurting her.
“I’m sorry but I was…I was confused, and angry at everything…I’m sorry. Please.” She cries to you, obviously desperate, lost, and yearning for you.
“Please, tell me that you don’t feel anything for me right now.”
She could do that easily-she did it before. Instead, she hugs you and starts to cry. “I love you so much.”
You hear her cry more, and all you can do is console her. No matter how hurt you are seeing her like that, you just had no choice but to tell her the truth. The fact that you can’t be together makes both of you suffer, but you have to take it all in.
“I’m sorry for everything I have done Yuri. Please, I’m really sorry.” She tells you in desperation that you do nothing but hug her back to at least stop her from crying.
You can feel her hot tears on your collar and you hold her hands, trying to keep yourself from crying along with her. You know that you have to be strong, otherwise she may do something reckless. Her knees are becoming weak and fatigue is creeping onto both of you. You walk back and you let the mirror hit your back, with her still in your arms and you slide down to sit down. Her head is resting on your chest and you wipe her tears as you kiss her forehead.
“Don’t cry…because it hurts me too.” You say to her while you hold back your own tears.
*~*~*~*
Soon she calms down in your arms, her hands holding yours. From the way she closes her eyes, you feel like she is listening to your heartbeat. You then involuntarily take her hand, and kiss her fingertips to reminisce of your time together. Your kiss is gentle but it still manages to catch her attention. She eventually looks at you, eye to eye, and she closes the gap between your lips. It was just like the first time you kissed her-her soft lips, and the sweet taste of her mouth again sends electric shocks to your body. You feel all the love she has for you through that one small kiss, and you feel your heart break even more as you become aware of the reality of things when you break the kiss.
You look at her, and see the light shade of pink in her cheeks. You caress them with your hand as you try your best to hide your tears and the pain of being away from her soon. Though you feel the kind of hurt that no one-not even her, perhaps-could understand, you content yourself with the thought that there is no other way for both of you to end love but to go forth.
“If fate gives us another chance then I will take it.” You whisper to her.
*~*~*~*
She has been asleep for twenty minutes in your arms. Her soft purrs of sleep, the cheeks you’d always caress with your hand, everything about her-it is something you’re going to miss so much. She would soon be leaving you again, and this time for good.
Her hand grips your shirt tightly, like you are her last lifeline.
“Yuri please…don’t leave me.” She says in almost a whisper.
You kiss her hand and give her a smile; you wonder if she could see the sadness in it.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” You tell her as you are at a loss of words. Death is everything’s final limit and your relationship with her has surely reached its end. “I loved you with all that I am and all that I ever was. I’m sorry for this.”
“Yuri…please, no.” She pleads with you and you let your tears flow freely in front of her as she does the same to you. “Please don’t.”
“Jessica, we both tried.” You brush her fringe away from her face. “Please let me go.”
She cries harder that it pains you to see her in such a horrible state. You hug her again as you cry with her. You hope that your simple embrace would be enough for her.
“I loved you, but we have to say goodbye.”
*~*~*~*
With Taeyeon, Yoona, and Tiffany’s help, Jessica was able to arrive home safely. They took her away from you, mercilessly restraining her from putting a hold on you. She looked desperate for you, with her tears wetting her shirt, her eyes red and her hair was a mess. You did not look at her when she madly grabbed on to all she could to get to you.
You felt betrayed by your own psyche as you realize that something you wanted all your life was also distancing you from your reason for existing. Everything about Jessica Jung, was something you loved, something you would trade your entire life for, but you have reached the end of your given timeframe, and you let go.
You took out whatever that was left of your relationship away from your shoebox as you stood on the rooftop of the building you stayed in. Seven days was left of your old life, and then you must step into the limelight and take on a new one. One free from blemishes and one, perfect for the masses. You will be an ideal model for teenagers, the perfect sister to younger kids, the perfect wife for every man; but despite all of that, you must pay the cost of erasing every single decision that you have done in your past, perhaps including the decision of loving her.
You look at the pictures of the two you, along with other pictures of your friends from your time during the academy. You feel a bittersweet peace surround you as you toss the photos onto the warm flare. They burn to dust and you finally start to move on.
No more stolen glances that get you weak in the knees.
No more soft kisses that urge you to have more of her.
No more hugs that give you warmth in the lonely hours of the nights.
No more passionate encounters that make you drunk of her.
No more “I love you”’s that send butterflies to your stomach.
Everything that reminds you of her, is now fading away like the afterglow of a forceful wildfire.
No more…
No more Jessica Jung.
*~*~*~*
The lineup has finally been released and you refuse to look at it. You are not in the mood to meet the new people yet, and there has not been an assignment for any dancing that will be happening during your imminent debut date. For the last five days, you have been practicing moves that you have not perfected and Yoona has been visiting you because of Seohyun’s frequent visits to the studio. She invites you to go to the party that the company is holding, surprising you with the fact that Yoona is in the same group as you. You then ask her for more details but unfortunately, she says that she only knows the debut date as she has been busy with practice and meetings.
The two of you talk about things in your past, apologies were exchanged-most on her part, but being a good friend that you are, you dismiss it. She is your best friend and you are thankful for having her, despite of all the wrong things she has done to you.
“Yoona, aren’t you scared that your relationship with Seohyun might be revealed publicly?” You ask her over a cup of tea. The two of you wait in the lobby for Seohyun to finish her vocal practice.
“Of course I am.” She nonchalantly replies without hesitation. “I just hope that she won’t get hurt as much as I think she will be.”
“Then why bother to continue if she’s just gonna be hurt even more?”
“It hurts me when she cries so I’ll put up with whatever abuse may come our way. I don’t know, maybe I just really love her a lot.”
The idea clicks in your head that she would take up abuse just for the one she loves. You envy her boldness and you wish you could do the same instead of ending things with Jessica. She interrupts your thoughts as she starts to talk again.
“But we can’t help seeing some things coming to an end. After next week, we won’t be able to have date or kisses in public. Not even sex in publ-"
You almost spill your drink and you see her with a wide grin on her face.
“Just kidding.”
The two of you continue to drink while relaxing on the couch. A lot of doubts are flooding the two of you and you understand that it is the anxiety that is creeping in.
“Why don’t you just give her a chance? Despite of the fact that the two of you may have different dorms does not mean you can’t see each other. Why not, Yuri?”
“I’d rather get her hurt now than hurt her more in the future.” You try to rationalize though you yourself know that there are ways to approach your problem instead of the obvious.
You expect Yoona to scold at you and tell you that what you have been doing is a stupid mistake but it doesn’t come. Instead, she is smiling as she empties her teacup.
“Hwaiting, Yuri.” She encourages you in a whisper, thoroughly supporting whatever you have decided to do and you feel relief. You have traded your love for tea and sympathy, and you feel reluctant happiness with her words. She supports you, but somehow you feel dismayed as you were expecting something else to come from her.
“But please make your last time with her memorable. I want to see her happy too.” She sets down her cup and stands up. She smiles at someone who is probably is standing behind you and you look at the direction she is facing. Seohyun is smiling back to her and you notice another person behind Seohyun. You stand up as well to get a better glance of her and Yoona whispers something to you. “Please end it better than how you did, Yuri.”
She fidgets with her hands as she stays in her position. Yoona and Seohyun have already left and the two of you are in facing each other, and she is acting like how she did during the first time she confessed. You hold out your hand to her and she takes it. You both walk towards the dorm.
When you arrive in front of your doorstep, you kiss her fingertips before you let go to take your key out. The door unlocks and you lead her to your bed. You sit on the edge and you pull her close to you and she welcomes you with an embrace. She is not crying but you can hear her heartbeat rapidly speeding up and you console her by running your hands down her hair. She is just as tense as you and each heartbeat gives you nothing but pain.
You lie down with her and she is resting at the crook of your neck. She is peacefully asleep and you kiss her forehead as you smell her peach shampoo. She is angelic while she sleeps and you wish that you can keep her forever.
*~*~*~*
You wake up alone and you look for traces of her. She is gone and you have understood that she has finally let go of you. It was a sort of goodbye to both of you and now you have become a clean slate, ready to be written in again. You look at the clock and it is 1:00 P.M. At around 5 o’clock, you will be making your way to the studio, and for the first time you will be meeting Yoona and the other girls that you will be in a group with. You feel excitement, apprehension, and relief altogether as you have finally reached the pinnacle of your life.
You have come to a point where your dream is at last, a reality.
You check your phone to find it flooded with messages and voicemails. People you have not heard from for a while from now are all greeting you with encouraging words and you find warmth within them. Several messages from unidentified numbers are also present and you hope that one of them is from her.
As you read through all these messages, you find it disturbingly strange that you have fleeting emotions when it comes to her. You are powerless over her control on you and in the times that you acted strong were also the times that you bled the most. You love her with all your heart but unfortunately, the two of you understood that the closure was inevitable.
You let go of your phone and you hold your breath while you go through your preparation. Your heavy heart was something you could not feel anymore, as it is numbing your entire body. You conclude that perhaps-no, that these are really the final hours of what is left of your love.
*~*~*~*
You arrive at the studio where your debut stage will be held. You are quickly placed in a dressing room and the stylists expertly fix your hair and make-up. A staff member briefs you on what will happen during the stage presentation, along with the lines that will be said by your so-called leader.
It takes you about an hour to get ready for everything and they rush you to go to the stage. You make your way to the backstage and you line up along with girls dressed the same outfit as you. You see Yoona in front, talking and smiling to Seohyun and you are glad that the three of you have managed to be part of the same group.
The stage director signals you to go to the stage and you find a sea of faces that have all their attention diverted to all of you. You are standing in front of a crowd with roughly more people expected in one girl group.
Screaming and claps could be heard, with occasional whistles to cheer all of you on. Someone then holds your hand and you immediately look at who it is. You turn and you feel that it is probably the best decision you have made in your entire life.
The one that took hold of your hand was nobody but her.
She looks down to avoid your gaze, similar to how possessive she was when she caught you kissing Yoona. She looks uneasy that you might not take her in, as the two of you have already exchanged your goodbyes. It takes a while for you to understand the entire situation, as it has never crossed your mind that your relationship with her can actually work, if everything was taken slowly and thought about thoroughly. The two of you were placed in the same group, and you feel overjoyed. The pain from your heart is slowly lifted away, as you look at this new hope and new opportunity to start over again.
“Yuri…p-please do-don’t let me go again.” She says to you in a nervous whisper, reminding you of the promise you made regarding your fates.
You clasp her hand back tightly, as a response indicating that you will be keeping that pledge. Right at this moment, you are indirectly showing the world that you are all for her, and she belongs to you. Perhaps one day, you will have the courage to talk about your relationship to everyone, not just the people close to you.
“Never again.” You tell her though the noise has probably been omitted with all the sound surrounding you.
You give out a warm smile in front of everyone as a response to the happiness you are feeling right now. You have never thought that you would be this happy on the day that you throw your old life away. Though you still expect hardships, pain, and criticism to come your way, the fact that she will be right along your side, makes all the difference.
You hold her hand into a more comfortable position to calm down her trembling. Just like you she is nervous but just like you, she is happy as well. You are in love with her, and you are glad that she is all yours.
Everything just comes to show, that all this was-was in a way, for you to manifest your implied consent to be hers, when you first accepted her confession.
You are meant to be and in this moment in time, fate has confirmed that.
She was yours from the start, and you wished that you knew sooner that you have given her your implied consent to be the owner of your heart.
You feel all the irony accumulate, as you realize the futility of your struggle in the past few days.
And you beam out another smile.
She is yours.
All yours.
And now, nobody can take her away from you now.
You then hear a voice coming from the background in a whisper.
“Hana.”
“Deul.”
“Set.”
All of the girls beside you take in deep breaths as you greet the world for the very first time, as a group that will define a generation.
“Hello. We’re So Nyuh Shi Dae.”
End.
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Photographer’s Notes and Acknowledgements
It is finally the end of the beginning, and I thank you for reading it. I hope you liked it as much as I liked writing it. Now, I would now like to discuss my thoughts on the story itself, as I reflect on what I have written. The idea for this story was when I was crossing the street in Los Angeles and I just thought of the idea of having an “implied” relationship with someone. “Everyone knows that both of you hold a special place in each other’s hearts, but you are not openly saying it.” This was my initial premise and I did really intend for it to become fluff. They were meant to laugh and smile at each other with each sweet act, while the people around them would assume them as a couple. It was in its own way, a form of consent to belong to each other, while giving that implication to the people that see it externally. The conflict was supposed to be the idea of doubt of Jessica, while Yuri would assure her that it was alright, with frustration and hate revolving around Yuri. In the end Jessica finally trusts her, holding her hand as an indication that she wants to make it work despite of everything against them. It was a clash between the social norms versus change in that thinking. Denial and rejection was theoretically to be done out of fear and Yuri was supposed to be stronger than she ever was in the actual story. All the themes I have said have been loosely entered into the storyline but it has varied to a great degree. I have made one-lined outlines for the chapters, by merely explaining the major events, but due to an attempt to keep the characterization consistent, I had to change it. One of the biggest changes in this was Yoona’s text being not true. Although I wanted it to be the truth, it was problematic. The reader would criticize Jessica’s actions, though in the latter parts, she is already in conflict with her words and her actions. She has kept Yuri, while being with Jaejoong, but I believe that it was more “human” that way. I like realism, and although I cannot clearly depict it unlike other people I know, I often try to have consistency. If Jaejoong did not enter the picture, it might not have been that complicated for the both of them as they would be able to build on a trust-based relationship with each other. They would have been able to understand what it means to be in love while fully understanding the variables surrounding them, but also, it will become somewhat frustrating for the reader as Jessica would continuously reject Yuri. I know that the story at this point has become one big mess, but I also hope that this has suited your liking.
To bring light to the second-person point of view, I have done it in such a way that one can internalize the emotions that Yuri felt. This was also done in Downfall, with heart-wrenching emotions ingrained in the writing. I have actually felt the emotions myself as I wrote the parts, I felt sad and at times irritated during my process of writing, and I have only liberated myself from these as I wrote the latter parts of the story. As a so-called “b-side” to Downfall, I have intended to show the other side of sadness in which I have approached it in another direction in Downfall. Implied Consent’s sadness is pain from love that one can cry over but never take revenge with. It is pain that is meant to be forgotten-in a sort of altruistic way, and looked upon as a learning experience. Downfall, on the other hand is pain that can bring out anger and hate from the person. It is pain that one may weep at it, and one would hate it, but it gives a sense of indecisiveness as the reader becomes torn between two decisions in looking for what is right. Is it the forgetting of the pain that may cause one to live a better life? Or is it the indulgence of such a downfall that can engulf and win one over to a different side of happiness?
While I do not hold the answer to these questions, I hope you will find one ideal for you.
Several times I have been asked why I have written Implied Consent. The idea was simple, and it could be done in a shorter story or so, but I have spanned it to ten chapters. Again, this has been written because of that time when I crossed the street and that was the only reason I have for it. My answer for that question is perhaps I am trying to prepare myself for the next story that I am about to take on. It is almost the same as Implied Consent, but I plan to make the characters more refined. There are perhaps recurring themes found in Implied Consent that will almost be used on the same story.
The titles I have used are all because of the things that have gone on during the times that I have uploaded the chapters, as they appealed to me most. One example is Selca 5 with Jo-Ha-Kyu which is from Noh theatre. Currently, I am taking Japanese Culture and Society, and we have learned about the art’s principles and whatnot. I found concept intriguing, and so, I have cut the chapter in a way that it is similar to that theme. They were not necessarily thought of to follow one theme, which shows that it is obviously inconsistent.
And finally, I would like to give all my thanks to the people that have helped me create this piece. Eula, Hankit, Tiffany, Marcus, Vina, and everyone else that I may have missed. I thank you for all your support. The plot refinements, the proofreading, the scenario discussions were all part of my thought process and I thank you for all the criticisms and suggestions. I thank Soshified, for letting me post my story and with my almost 200 listed readers. I also thank the people on LiveJournal that have followed this story, thank you very much.
I do not really have anything else to say but thank you! Thank you so much for reading, and I hope that you truly enjoyed.
Until next time, JacqG.
P.S. I dedicate this story to no one.
No one else but you. :unworthy:
[11.30.2010]
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