So I mostly only talk about parenting these days. Sue me.
Last night thwomp sent a link to a 2007 advice column by Carolyn Hax about what stay-at-home parents actually do all day.
From the letter-writer:
"Me (no kids): [...] What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group."
Let me tell you about going to the park, with a toddler. This is how I spend my morning, 2-3 mornings a week.
First you have to make sure the bag is packed up with snacks and diapers and things. Then you have to find the shoes your toddler hid in one of his toy trucks for some reason, or the other shoes he put in the dog crate, or the OTHER shoes he threw down the basement stairs (WHY DO SHOES NEVER STAY IN THE SHOE PILE WHERE THEY BELONG?). Then you have to check the clock to make sure he doesn't need a snack before going, and if he does, feed him, and then make sure you're starting out with a clean diaper and you have a stroller or carrypack with you because he's not going to walk the whole way, right, THAT isn't happening even though it is only TWO BLOCKS to the park. And then it's 3 minutes to put his shoes on because he's curling up his toes and laughing hysterically when this makes his shoes not go on his feet, THANKS. Now you can go to the park, if you already know where your keys and sunglasses are and you don't need to go to the bathroom, because if you do, you are screwed because your kid is going to take his shoes off and/or crap his pants while you try to do that.
NOW you can go, hooray. Walking 2 blocks with a toddler takes 8 minutes if he's feeling really motivated to get to the slides or swings, and 20 minutes if what he really wants is to ask you about every bug, rock, or tree on the way, and throw things down manhole covers. Which is fine; I don't mind talking about bugs and rocks and trees, but it's time out of the day, you know? Then at the park you spend an hour making sure he does not kill himself by jumping off of things, and you poke sticks into holes with him (which is REALLY boring if you are an adult but apparently REALLY AWESOME if you are two and don't understand about actually awesome things like spaceships and Harry Potter), and hold his hand on the slides and push him on the swings and hold him up to the water fountains and make sure he isn't getting overheated or overtired or overhungry. If you are lucky you do not have to change any diapers.
Then you have to get your tired toddler back the two blocks home, which is a fucking PRODUCTION and usually takes another half-hour unless you just give up and carry him. There might be screaming, if you don't hit the tired/"enough park" sweet spot where you can get the kid to wave "bye bye" to the park happily.
This is if you are like me, which is to say the type of stay-at-home parent who annoys other parents by being really on-top of diaper bag supplies (therefore usually only needing a quick check and not 5 minutes re-outfitting the bag) AND the type of parent who does not bring an entire extra outfit everywhere and six juice boxes and three kinds of snack and a bottle of hand sanitizer because I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME, OK.
So when a parent of a small child tells you they went to the park that day, they did not have a leisurely stroll down to the swings. It was like WALKING INTO MORDOR.
No, wait, Mordor was more like my house this morning.
There's a thing some children find funny, and it is called "tormenting the pets". My kid's favorite method involves upending sippy cups on whatever pet is stupid and docile enough to hang out with him (so, the dog). This morning, I was trying to clean up some OTHER mess and I looked over, and the dog was covered in milk.
Now, I am not proud of this bit, but I yelled "NO NO NO" really loud, and came over and grabbed the sippy cup, and what happened was this: (a) the toddler started crying because I took his sippy cup (b) the dog peed all over the rug because she thought I was yelling at her (look, she has the brains of a sock), and then I DID yell at her, and she went to her crate peeing all the way.
So there I was, in a living room with a screaming kid, and the room was covered in milk and dog pee, and so was the hallway, and the kitchen, and the damn dog herself. You can IMAGINE how happy this made me. Well, at least the kid wasn't covered in excrement?
JUST WAIT, OK?
Some short time after I get all the pee and milk cleaned up, the kid was playing on the piano. He stopped playing and informed me that he had pooped. I went to change him, and discovered that he had removed some of his poop from his diaper and smeared it all over his face, chest, and the piano.
So that happened. Thanks, The Universe, I hate you too.
At that point I was just grateful that the dog was still in her crate, and that there were beer-flavored potato chips in the house that I could eat and cry into as soon as I cleaned the mess up.
If there hadn't been a heat advisory I would have gone to the park. The park would have been MUCH BETTER, I think you agree.
So there you are. If you ever wonder what, exactly, stay-at-home parents do all day, it pretty frequently looks something like that. And yes, as the advice column says, it's a lifestyle choice and it has its rewards, but it is a lot of goddamn work, and much of the work is...not what I would call fun.
I love my kid, but I think parents who claim they don't want access to on-demand cryogenic freezing of children are liars. (Come on, cryogenic freezing technology people. I just want to freeze him for a day or two, catch up on my sleep, watch a movie. How hard can this be? Get on it.)
From the letter-writer:
"Me (no kids): [...] What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group."
Let me tell you about going to the park, with a toddler. This is how I spend my morning, 2-3 mornings a week.
First you have to make sure the bag is packed up with snacks and diapers and things. Then you have to find the shoes your toddler hid in one of his toy trucks for some reason, or the other shoes he put in the dog crate, or the OTHER shoes he threw down the basement stairs (WHY DO SHOES NEVER STAY IN THE SHOE PILE WHERE THEY BELONG?). Then you have to check the clock to make sure he doesn't need a snack before going, and if he does, feed him, and then make sure you're starting out with a clean diaper and you have a stroller or carrypack with you because he's not going to walk the whole way, right, THAT isn't happening even though it is only TWO BLOCKS to the park. And then it's 3 minutes to put his shoes on because he's curling up his toes and laughing hysterically when this makes his shoes not go on his feet, THANKS. Now you can go to the park, if you already know where your keys and sunglasses are and you don't need to go to the bathroom, because if you do, you are screwed because your kid is going to take his shoes off and/or crap his pants while you try to do that.
NOW you can go, hooray. Walking 2 blocks with a toddler takes 8 minutes if he's feeling really motivated to get to the slides or swings, and 20 minutes if what he really wants is to ask you about every bug, rock, or tree on the way, and throw things down manhole covers. Which is fine; I don't mind talking about bugs and rocks and trees, but it's time out of the day, you know? Then at the park you spend an hour making sure he does not kill himself by jumping off of things, and you poke sticks into holes with him (which is REALLY boring if you are an adult but apparently REALLY AWESOME if you are two and don't understand about actually awesome things like spaceships and Harry Potter), and hold his hand on the slides and push him on the swings and hold him up to the water fountains and make sure he isn't getting overheated or overtired or overhungry. If you are lucky you do not have to change any diapers.
Then you have to get your tired toddler back the two blocks home, which is a fucking PRODUCTION and usually takes another half-hour unless you just give up and carry him. There might be screaming, if you don't hit the tired/"enough park" sweet spot where you can get the kid to wave "bye bye" to the park happily.
This is if you are like me, which is to say the type of stay-at-home parent who annoys other parents by being really on-top of diaper bag supplies (therefore usually only needing a quick check and not 5 minutes re-outfitting the bag) AND the type of parent who does not bring an entire extra outfit everywhere and six juice boxes and three kinds of snack and a bottle of hand sanitizer because I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME, OK.
So when a parent of a small child tells you they went to the park that day, they did not have a leisurely stroll down to the swings. It was like WALKING INTO MORDOR.
No, wait, Mordor was more like my house this morning.
There's a thing some children find funny, and it is called "tormenting the pets". My kid's favorite method involves upending sippy cups on whatever pet is stupid and docile enough to hang out with him (so, the dog). This morning, I was trying to clean up some OTHER mess and I looked over, and the dog was covered in milk.
Now, I am not proud of this bit, but I yelled "NO NO NO" really loud, and came over and grabbed the sippy cup, and what happened was this: (a) the toddler started crying because I took his sippy cup (b) the dog peed all over the rug because she thought I was yelling at her (look, she has the brains of a sock), and then I DID yell at her, and she went to her crate peeing all the way.
So there I was, in a living room with a screaming kid, and the room was covered in milk and dog pee, and so was the hallway, and the kitchen, and the damn dog herself. You can IMAGINE how happy this made me. Well, at least the kid wasn't covered in excrement?
JUST WAIT, OK?
Some short time after I get all the pee and milk cleaned up, the kid was playing on the piano. He stopped playing and informed me that he had pooped. I went to change him, and discovered that he had removed some of his poop from his diaper and smeared it all over his face, chest, and the piano.
So that happened. Thanks, The Universe, I hate you too.
At that point I was just grateful that the dog was still in her crate, and that there were beer-flavored potato chips in the house that I could eat and cry into as soon as I cleaned the mess up.
If there hadn't been a heat advisory I would have gone to the park. The park would have been MUCH BETTER, I think you agree.
So there you are. If you ever wonder what, exactly, stay-at-home parents do all day, it pretty frequently looks something like that. And yes, as the advice column says, it's a lifestyle choice and it has its rewards, but it is a lot of goddamn work, and much of the work is...not what I would call fun.
I love my kid, but I think parents who claim they don't want access to on-demand cryogenic freezing of children are liars. (Come on, cryogenic freezing technology people. I just want to freeze him for a day or two, catch up on my sleep, watch a movie. How hard can this be? Get on it.)