Is Your Man a Scrub?
Title: Is Your Man a Scrub?
Rating: M for language
Summary: A very cracky parody comparing and contrasting the scrub-like tendencies (or lack thereof) of Sir Richard Carlisle and Mr. Matthew Crawley. Not meant to be taken seriously in any capacity. Based on the articles of the same name from The Hairpin.
Disclaimer: This is a parody written in the style of the Is Your Man A Scrub pieces by Caity Weaver of The Hairpin. I don’t own anything, nor did I think up this brilliant concept. No infringement is intended, and I am gaining nothing from this (aside from far too much amusement.)
Readers - you may want to check out these entries on The Hairpin if you haven’t already. They are absolutely hilarious.
. . . . .
Is Your Man a Scrub?
Sir Richard Carlisle v. Matthew Crawley
1. What is your man’s profession?
Sir Richard Carlisle: He’s a newspaper tycoon who has worked hard to achieve professional and financial success. His skills definitely include blackmail, manipulation and finding shit out, and may also include reading and writing. Probably.
Matthew Crawley: He was a Manchester lawyer (how common!) who became a country solicitor (*eye roll*). He knows about company law, entails (maybe), and architecture. He has dreamy blue eyes.
Who is less of a scrub? Girl, do you even know what company law is? No, you do not. But, newspapers! Those things are everywhere, all crisp and freshly-ironed for your reading pleasure. If your man has a fake-sounding job, he is a scrub. Carlisle.
2. What is his position in society? More importantly, do you get to wear a coronet (whatever that is) once you marry him?
Sir Richard Carlisle: He is a self-made man. One time, Carson looked him up in Wiki-Landed-Gentry and he wasn’t even in there. This is a nice way of saying that HELL NO you don’t get a coronet! Unless your self-made man is gonna make you one himself.
Matthew Crawley: He is the heir to the Grantham estate-your family’s ancestral home, Mama’s cashmoney and (most importantly, for bragging rights at least) the title of Earl. If you accept Matthew, you will have a whole closet full of coronets. You’ll have one for every day of the month! You’ll have so many coronets you’ll want to give some to Edith as hand-me-downs! LOL ok, maybe not that many.
Who is less of a scrub? Girl, you don’t want no scrub, but you do want a bunch of coronets! Matthew.
3. You deserve the very best in sumptuous dinner gowns, shiny jewelry and sprawling country estates. Is your man gonna be able to furnish you with the aforementioned assortment of fancy shit which you want and need?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Totally! Being a self-made man apparently means that this dude has money out the ying yang. You can bet he’ll be lavishing you with material possessions in the hopes of winning your affection and/or making you into a super hot and incredibly well-dressed symbol of how awesome he is.
Matthew Crawley: Considering he’ll be the Earl of Grantham one day, chances are he’ll be pretty loaded. You’ll definitely be able to maintain the standard of living to which you’ve been accustomed. But with Matthew, you’ll get the added bonus of his more persuadable nature, which will naturally allow you to buy the fancy shit you want, to the specifications you choose, when you damned well please. Everything about this is great, girl.
Who is less of a scrub? While you’ll undoubtedly receive myriad bling from both suitors, this is still an obvious choice. You want to be able to order whatever you want from Anthropologie without Richard being all, “No wife of mine shall be seen in an asymmetrical knitted poncho!” Only a scrub would say something like that. You’re a free bitch and you do what you want! Matthew.
4. Does your man have a fairly firm grasp on the intricacies of your family tree?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Remember that time this dude showed up at Downton and was all, “HEY GUYS, I’m just Patrick with a Canadian accent, no big deal,” and everyone (except Edith, pshh) was like, “GTFO MUMMY,” and then Sir Richard was all, “Like, who’s Patrick Crawley?” Yeah.
Matthew Crawley: Yes! He researched the hell out of that entail, which probably means he had to look up the line of succession or whatever. Maybe. Plus, he’s pen pals with Aunt Rosamund!
Who is less of a scrub? Girl, a scrub is a guy that doesn’t even know the name of your dead fiancé. Matthew.
5. What does your family think of your man? Does your granny talk shit behind his back?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Your dad obviously thinks he’s an idiot-one time, Richard was like, “I’m gonna buy Haxby Park!” and your dad was all, “Ew, I’d rather have anyone but you for a neighbor! Even characters that only get mentioned in passing ONCE!” Your mom seems to like him but she’s American so what does she know lol your Granny isn’t too keen. She definitely gossips when he’s not around.
Matthew Crawley: He’s like the son your dad never had and they’re clearly cultivating an intimate bromance. You’re totally not even bitter! Right? WRONG. Uh, anyway. He does go on nerdy church visits with Edith and one time he saved Sybil’s life, which is pretty cool. Also, one time your mom bitched out the servants for talking bad about him.
Who is less of a scrub? Carlisle because at least when he’s around dad likes you best Matthew.
6. How are his manners? Does he eat, dress and conduct himself like a giant squid, or the son of a god?
Sir Richard Carlisle: This dude is a regular perpetrator of major faux-pas. One time, he was so late for dinner that he actually missed it. Also, he brought Lavinia Swire with him. WTF. This other time, he tried to save you a seat next to him at luncheon when proper etiquette obviously demands that you sit next to Matthew in your usual place.
Matthew Crawley: Back in the day, homeboy couldn’t even hold his knife like a gentleman, and that sassy footman had to teach him how to take food from a platter! But he’s totally improving, and once you’re married, your expert skills are sure to rub off…wait, what? Who said that?
Who is less of a scrub? Draw. Both are equally ill-mannered and embarrassing scrubs.
7. Is your man a controlling psychopath or, at the very least, a creepy stalker?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Yes. He tried to bribe Anna to spy on you and report back to him. Then he pushed you up against the wall (which was not sexy IN THE LEAST) and threatened to destroy you if you tried to throw him over.
Matthew Crawley: Nope.
Who is less of a scrub? A propensity for domestic violence is the first sign of a full-fledged scrub, girl. Matthew.
8. What does your man love about you?
Sir Richard Carlisle: He doesn’t love you, but he thinks you’d make a badass team.
Matthew Crawley: The sandwiches you feed him.
Who is less of a scrub? This is a tough one, girl. Probably Carlisle-at least he values your intellect rather than your skillful use of condiments.
9. What has your man done for you lately?
Sir Richard Carlisle: He bought you a huge house with a really nice staircase, and is in the process of pimping out the bathrooms to include every modern convenience. Be grateful girl-nobody else in the early 20th century has heated towel racks! Oh, he also used his powers of sexiness evil and business savvy to prevent your ruin, thus saving you from life as a social pariah.
Matthew Crawley: He called you his “stick,” kissed you even though you’re both engaged, then broke things off because he said your relationship was “cursed.” He also said Lavinia’s death was partially your fault. WTF.
Who is less of a scrub? Girl, you don’t need that kind of negativity, especially from a scrub! But you do need marble floors and lots of counter space. Carlisle.
10. What have you done for your man lately?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Mostly you’ve just made him look dumb in front of your family. Whatever, you do that to everyone! Oh, and you did let him walk you up to the house after Lavinia’s funeral. Good one, girl-that should totally get him through till the wedding night.
Matthew Crawley: You gave him a good luck charm. No, not the delicate locket or a picture of you he could gaze upon and keep close to his heart while fighting in the trenches-you went for the little toy dog. Srsly?
Who is less of a scrub? Girl, in this situation, they are both less scrub-like than you. You need to brush up on your powers of fascination.
11. Is your man still hung up on another woman? You are proud and will not stand for this shit!
Sir Richard Carlisle: Probably not.
Matthew Crawley: Yeah.
Who is less of a scrub? Carlisle. At least homeboy’s got his eyes on the prize, whereas Matthew represents the archetypal scrub.
12. Does your man know about your past…indiscretions? If so, how does he feel about them?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Yes. He did everything in his power to prevent a scandal from breaking out. Then he got excited about having some dirt on you and was all like, “This pleases me.” It was creepy. Or kind of hot. Why is it always so hard to distinguish between the two?
Matthew Crawley: Nope. It would probably offend his delicate sensibilities, but he’d get over it eventually because he loves you. And not even the hottest of hot Turks can stand in the way of true love.
Who is less of a scrub? Matthew, because he probs wouldn’t use the knowledge to blackmail you. That would be a seriously scrub-like move.
13. Is your man also your cousin?
Sir Richard Carlisle: PLEASE, like you’d ever have such a common cousin!
Matthew Crawley: Yup.
Who is less of a scrub? Matthew. Cousins are fair game, but self-made millionaires are almost always scrubs.
14. Is your man kind of emo?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Nah. He’s more of a schemer than a sulker.
Matthew Crawley: Definitely. If they had eyeliner in 1918, he’d be wearing it.
Who is less of a scrub? Carlisle. He takes action, whereas scrub Matthew is content to wallow.
15. Does your man’s peen work?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Most likely
Matthew Crawley: If by “work” you mean “tingle,” then yes. But if by “work” you actually mean “work,” results are inconclusive but point to “Perhaps.”
Who is less of a scrub? Draw. Girl, you shoulda got with Evelyn Napier when you had the chance. Boy was definitely not a scrub.
Final Results
Sir Richard Carlisle: 5
Matthew Crawley: 7
Inconclusive: 3
Who is less of a scrub? In conclusion, Matthew Crawley is clearly far less of a scrub than Sir Richard. Do the right thing, girl.
Rating: M for language
Summary: A very cracky parody comparing and contrasting the scrub-like tendencies (or lack thereof) of Sir Richard Carlisle and Mr. Matthew Crawley. Not meant to be taken seriously in any capacity. Based on the articles of the same name from The Hairpin.
Disclaimer: This is a parody written in the style of the Is Your Man A Scrub pieces by Caity Weaver of The Hairpin. I don’t own anything, nor did I think up this brilliant concept. No infringement is intended, and I am gaining nothing from this (aside from far too much amusement.)
Readers - you may want to check out these entries on The Hairpin if you haven’t already. They are absolutely hilarious.
. . . . .
Is Your Man a Scrub?
Sir Richard Carlisle v. Matthew Crawley
1. What is your man’s profession?
Sir Richard Carlisle: He’s a newspaper tycoon who has worked hard to achieve professional and financial success. His skills definitely include blackmail, manipulation and finding shit out, and may also include reading and writing. Probably.
Matthew Crawley: He was a Manchester lawyer (how common!) who became a country solicitor (*eye roll*). He knows about company law, entails (maybe), and architecture. He has dreamy blue eyes.
Who is less of a scrub? Girl, do you even know what company law is? No, you do not. But, newspapers! Those things are everywhere, all crisp and freshly-ironed for your reading pleasure. If your man has a fake-sounding job, he is a scrub. Carlisle.
2. What is his position in society? More importantly, do you get to wear a coronet (whatever that is) once you marry him?
Sir Richard Carlisle: He is a self-made man. One time, Carson looked him up in Wiki-Landed-Gentry and he wasn’t even in there. This is a nice way of saying that HELL NO you don’t get a coronet! Unless your self-made man is gonna make you one himself.
Matthew Crawley: He is the heir to the Grantham estate-your family’s ancestral home, Mama’s cashmoney and (most importantly, for bragging rights at least) the title of Earl. If you accept Matthew, you will have a whole closet full of coronets. You’ll have one for every day of the month! You’ll have so many coronets you’ll want to give some to Edith as hand-me-downs! LOL ok, maybe not that many.
Who is less of a scrub? Girl, you don’t want no scrub, but you do want a bunch of coronets! Matthew.
3. You deserve the very best in sumptuous dinner gowns, shiny jewelry and sprawling country estates. Is your man gonna be able to furnish you with the aforementioned assortment of fancy shit which you want and need?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Totally! Being a self-made man apparently means that this dude has money out the ying yang. You can bet he’ll be lavishing you with material possessions in the hopes of winning your affection and/or making you into a super hot and incredibly well-dressed symbol of how awesome he is.
Matthew Crawley: Considering he’ll be the Earl of Grantham one day, chances are he’ll be pretty loaded. You’ll definitely be able to maintain the standard of living to which you’ve been accustomed. But with Matthew, you’ll get the added bonus of his more persuadable nature, which will naturally allow you to buy the fancy shit you want, to the specifications you choose, when you damned well please. Everything about this is great, girl.
Who is less of a scrub? While you’ll undoubtedly receive myriad bling from both suitors, this is still an obvious choice. You want to be able to order whatever you want from Anthropologie without Richard being all, “No wife of mine shall be seen in an asymmetrical knitted poncho!” Only a scrub would say something like that. You’re a free bitch and you do what you want! Matthew.
4. Does your man have a fairly firm grasp on the intricacies of your family tree?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Remember that time this dude showed up at Downton and was all, “HEY GUYS, I’m just Patrick with a Canadian accent, no big deal,” and everyone (except Edith, pshh) was like, “GTFO MUMMY,” and then Sir Richard was all, “Like, who’s Patrick Crawley?” Yeah.
Matthew Crawley: Yes! He researched the hell out of that entail, which probably means he had to look up the line of succession or whatever. Maybe. Plus, he’s pen pals with Aunt Rosamund!
Who is less of a scrub? Girl, a scrub is a guy that doesn’t even know the name of your dead fiancé. Matthew.
5. What does your family think of your man? Does your granny talk shit behind his back?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Your dad obviously thinks he’s an idiot-one time, Richard was like, “I’m gonna buy Haxby Park!” and your dad was all, “Ew, I’d rather have anyone but you for a neighbor! Even characters that only get mentioned in passing ONCE!” Your mom seems to like him but she’s American so what does she know lol your Granny isn’t too keen. She definitely gossips when he’s not around.
Matthew Crawley: He’s like the son your dad never had and they’re clearly cultivating an intimate bromance. You’re totally not even bitter! Right? WRONG. Uh, anyway. He does go on nerdy church visits with Edith and one time he saved Sybil’s life, which is pretty cool. Also, one time your mom bitched out the servants for talking bad about him.
Who is less of a scrub? Carlisle because at least when he’s around dad likes you best Matthew.
6. How are his manners? Does he eat, dress and conduct himself like a giant squid, or the son of a god?
Sir Richard Carlisle: This dude is a regular perpetrator of major faux-pas. One time, he was so late for dinner that he actually missed it. Also, he brought Lavinia Swire with him. WTF. This other time, he tried to save you a seat next to him at luncheon when proper etiquette obviously demands that you sit next to Matthew in your usual place.
Matthew Crawley: Back in the day, homeboy couldn’t even hold his knife like a gentleman, and that sassy footman had to teach him how to take food from a platter! But he’s totally improving, and once you’re married, your expert skills are sure to rub off…wait, what? Who said that?
Who is less of a scrub? Draw. Both are equally ill-mannered and embarrassing scrubs.
7. Is your man a controlling psychopath or, at the very least, a creepy stalker?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Yes. He tried to bribe Anna to spy on you and report back to him. Then he pushed you up against the wall (which was not sexy IN THE LEAST) and threatened to destroy you if you tried to throw him over.
Matthew Crawley: Nope.
Who is less of a scrub? A propensity for domestic violence is the first sign of a full-fledged scrub, girl. Matthew.
8. What does your man love about you?
Sir Richard Carlisle: He doesn’t love you, but he thinks you’d make a badass team.
Matthew Crawley: The sandwiches you feed him.
Who is less of a scrub? This is a tough one, girl. Probably Carlisle-at least he values your intellect rather than your skillful use of condiments.
9. What has your man done for you lately?
Sir Richard Carlisle: He bought you a huge house with a really nice staircase, and is in the process of pimping out the bathrooms to include every modern convenience. Be grateful girl-nobody else in the early 20th century has heated towel racks! Oh, he also used his powers of sexiness evil and business savvy to prevent your ruin, thus saving you from life as a social pariah.
Matthew Crawley: He called you his “stick,” kissed you even though you’re both engaged, then broke things off because he said your relationship was “cursed.” He also said Lavinia’s death was partially your fault. WTF.
Who is less of a scrub? Girl, you don’t need that kind of negativity, especially from a scrub! But you do need marble floors and lots of counter space. Carlisle.
10. What have you done for your man lately?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Mostly you’ve just made him look dumb in front of your family. Whatever, you do that to everyone! Oh, and you did let him walk you up to the house after Lavinia’s funeral. Good one, girl-that should totally get him through till the wedding night.
Matthew Crawley: You gave him a good luck charm. No, not the delicate locket or a picture of you he could gaze upon and keep close to his heart while fighting in the trenches-you went for the little toy dog. Srsly?
Who is less of a scrub? Girl, in this situation, they are both less scrub-like than you. You need to brush up on your powers of fascination.
11. Is your man still hung up on another woman? You are proud and will not stand for this shit!
Sir Richard Carlisle: Probably not.
Matthew Crawley: Yeah.
Who is less of a scrub? Carlisle. At least homeboy’s got his eyes on the prize, whereas Matthew represents the archetypal scrub.
12. Does your man know about your past…indiscretions? If so, how does he feel about them?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Yes. He did everything in his power to prevent a scandal from breaking out. Then he got excited about having some dirt on you and was all like, “This pleases me.” It was creepy. Or kind of hot. Why is it always so hard to distinguish between the two?
Matthew Crawley: Nope. It would probably offend his delicate sensibilities, but he’d get over it eventually because he loves you. And not even the hottest of hot Turks can stand in the way of true love.
Who is less of a scrub? Matthew, because he probs wouldn’t use the knowledge to blackmail you. That would be a seriously scrub-like move.
13. Is your man also your cousin?
Sir Richard Carlisle: PLEASE, like you’d ever have such a common cousin!
Matthew Crawley: Yup.
Who is less of a scrub? Matthew. Cousins are fair game, but self-made millionaires are almost always scrubs.
14. Is your man kind of emo?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Nah. He’s more of a schemer than a sulker.
Matthew Crawley: Definitely. If they had eyeliner in 1918, he’d be wearing it.
Who is less of a scrub? Carlisle. He takes action, whereas scrub Matthew is content to wallow.
15. Does your man’s peen work?
Sir Richard Carlisle: Most likely
Matthew Crawley: If by “work” you mean “tingle,” then yes. But if by “work” you actually mean “work,” results are inconclusive but point to “Perhaps.”
Who is less of a scrub? Draw. Girl, you shoulda got with Evelyn Napier when you had the chance. Boy was definitely not a scrub.
Final Results
Sir Richard Carlisle: 5
Matthew Crawley: 7
Inconclusive: 3
Who is less of a scrub? In conclusion, Matthew Crawley is clearly far less of a scrub than Sir Richard. Do the right thing, girl.