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Tonight is Erev Rosh Hashanah. For those of you who don't know what means: It is basically the Jewish New Year and the start of a 10 day period of repentence. I really do not feel like repenting. I have been in a zombie like fix for the past 3 months. I have repented a lot. I felt as though I hurt someone or I did something wrong. I never really did anything wrong, so I think that this marks the time where I stop repenting. I am sorry for whatever I did if I did anything. However, I continue to think and wonder what exactly I did. I try to live my life the best I can. I try to give my friends whatever I can. Sometimes I think that even that is not enough, so I try to give out more. Usually they give a lot back without my ever asking them to do so. I love a lot of them, despite sometimes the way I act. I am just a really funny person these days. Very emotional. That is going to change. This is the time period that I always change my dispotion. Well I am changing right here and now. The last entry was my proof. The fact that I am writing in my journal again. The fact that I feel I need to voice my opinion shows that somehow I am slinking out of this depression.
Like Stuart Smoley once said, "I am good enough! I am smart enough and doggonit people like me!"
I am not saying that I will wake up and be great another day. I wish I could do that, but that's just not me. I am just saying that some days I will wake up and feel this is going to be an awesome day. Just like I used to feel. I need to remember yet again that "It's a Brand New Day" with new experiences. There is so much that I want to do with my life. There is so much good in the world that can counterbalance the horrible things in life. I just need a daily reminder. Not everyone is going to leave me and hurt me. I need to stop feeling that deep down they will all leave me to sit around alone without any help.
I have to use the example about how I started off college with my dad, my stuff, and my car. I ended college with a bunch of friends and much more junk.
I got this huge list of things to do. I want to start going to synagogue more, hopefully I can get Leah or Tera or this new dude I met at Jdate to go with me or all of them. I need to start doing more Jewish things with some type of organization chocked full of people my age. I need to learn Hebrew. I need to teach myself to play the keyboard. I need to learn how to roller blade better. I need to dress more girly and show my hair more often. I need to be more social with people. I need to visit my friends all over the country like I always say I will (Carol, maybe Ender(very skeptical on that one), Ashley, Hans, and possibly stop by on Will as I visit Hans). I need to go outside more often and get into shape, so I have less asthma problems. I know this is a lot of goals for the New Year, but I figure that if I make a huge list I will accomplish at least a peice of them. Anyway, Shana Tovah M'Tuka...Have a sweet and happy new year to all or just a good day...