(no subject)
The past four...er five months were pretty odd for me. I went to college for five years and then I graduated. In the past two years I got into this comfortable groove. I had found my ideal soulmate and I loved school. I guess something started bothering me several months before graduation. I was not happy. I was afraid to join the real world with real world situations. I always turn to my father for help. I have never once stood 100% on my own. I guess that sort of changed recently. He has helped me out a bit, but not as much as before. I guess the change occured in May. The night before graduation my boyfriend at the time insisted we walk around and talk while my friends were sleeping. He acted like this was the last time I would see him. I guess in a certain capacity it was true. I graduated the next day in a blur. Then I went on this trip with my family all over the east coast. When I came back I got this job I had been applying for and my boyfriend broke up with me. A couple days later I had to leave for a random city in Illinois to start a training session for 15 weeks long with a bunch of strangers. I was hurt, confused, and broken. I barely could hang out with any of my friends. For about two weeks I stopped eating or sleeping or doing anything important to function. I was like a zombie. Then this lady took me aside in training and said you better start speaking up or you'll get fired. I kind of improved for a while, then just fizzled out. I passed all the tests, but barely. Normally I would succeed far more than that. I used to overachieve and care about a ton of stuff. I used to push myself to do better work than anyone else. Somehow I was losing my grip on reality. I started watching movies and playing games on my PS2. I barely talked on the phone. I was a wreck, but I kept up appearences. Then I got talked to again and this one was for real. I was going to get fired if I didn't improve. I pushed myself to work harder in class. At that point in time I decided to join an online personals thing. JDate, then I did OKCupid.com. I usually just do this things for gags and never really meet anyone off of the sites. I talked to a bunch of people that did not seem all that interesting. One guy was actually very interested in my friend Tera and kind of brushed me off. Then there was this one guy. He seemed pretty cool, but I didn't want to meet him. I felt really guilty that I liked a guy four months after breaking up with my previous boyfriend. I almost didn't meet this guy, but kind of pushed myself. It turned out to be a good situation at that point in time. I met him again the next weekend. However, the weekend after he was a little aloof and something semeed to have happened. I had no idea what I did. Then some stuff happened and I'm not exactly sure what to think right now. I really just wanted to throw this entry out there, because I am not in a happy situation right now. I want to be in a happy situation and I keep trying, but it's so hard. I need to just veg out and create a game plan. I am not sure what anymore, but the one I am on just doesn't seem to get me where I want to go. I don't want to do this job after two years. I need to figure out who I want to be. I need to be that person. I like who I am mentally and such most of the time. I just wish someone could stand alongside me and watch me become that person, but I'm pretty sure I don't know that person yet. I am not certain who they are. At least I don't know anyone who wants the job right now. I had to write this entry, so that I could clear my head. I have no written in at least a week or less. I don't have a bad life, but I also don't know who I am half of the time exactly. Or at least I know who I am, but I am afraid to actually go out and be her on a full time basis. I'll bet none of this makes sense, but life is complicated and full of mystery. I am still trying to solve that puzzle and will continue for the longest time.