On shifting the focus
My therapist told me to write about shifting the focus from my constant awareness and need to make sure everyone is ok in social situations, to just being present and enjoying myself.
Tonight I went and hung out with Clu, Aidana, Nikki, Domino and Tori. And while I was able to contain my incessant need to check in on everyone; the premise of the hang out itself was anxiety inducing. Beforehand I was hanging out with Lisa, and had invited Tori along, even though it was a brewery and Tori can’t drink. I did this because I had been hanging out with Tori already and didn’t want her to feel left out, plus she doesn’t have any friends here yet so I know she wants to get out of the house and have some opportunities to meet people. So we went to the brewery and it was ok, except Lisa had weird vibes I couldn’t read but I don’t know... more on that later. Anyway, after I was like ok well that wasn’t particularly fun for tori and it’s still relatively early so I’ll see what domino is doing and if she’s with clu because I know clu is in town and I’d really like to see her. So then I tell mason what I’m doing and I’m immediately anxious because it’s like... I already went out once tonight without him, now I’m doing something else without him in the same night and probably coming to bed late... he’s going to be upset. He says he’s not at all. Ok. I have to believe him. So I go and have a really great time but I start to feel sick, probably because I haven’t drank beer in a while and I’ve been eating healthy and now all the sudden I’m flooding my system with this sour beer that, while delicious, is definitely not in my clean vegan low cal diet. So I come home and spend awhile in the bathroom feeling terrible before crawling into bed, and Mason is rolled over and I feel like I need to kiss him and cuddle him to let him know how much I love him and how important he is to me even though I’ve been out without him, but I’m feeling terrible and can only manage a quick shoulder kiss before curling up writing this so I can remember and discuss all the parts of tonight that were great but also the parts I spent feeling anxious and not focused on my own desires and feelings.