(no subject)
Chapter 3
Danny
It’s the day before I’m meant to go in to kill our child and the more I think about it the worse I feel. In the days since we found out it hasn’t been mentioned again and I can all ready fell the strain on our relationship you and I usually tell each other anything but you just won’t talk to me about it point blank everything else is normal but if I even bring it up you clam up and refuse to talk. I’m still being sick but now I know what it is, but it seems that over the last few days the sickness has got a million times worse it’s as if the baby knows what I’m about to do and is punishing me for it. I don’t want this to be happening but I know that even if I want this baby you don’t and I can’t loose you so no matter how much I want to go through with it I can’t and that is killing me. And seems that since I made my decision babies are everywhere and that hurts so much more…you had told Tom and Dougie what was going on and what we were doing and they were shocked but agreed to support us.
I spent most days on autopilot going on day by day and I didn’t really take notice to what was goin on around me the only thing on my mind was no matter what decision I made I was going to lose something if I kept the baby I would lose you, if I have the abortion I keep you but I lose my chance at bring a child between us into the world.
My sickness went from the most being twice a day to the least being four, today in particular the most popular thing my eyes have seen is the porcelain ceramic of the toilet bowl I haven’t ventured to far from our room for fear of needing to be sick again and not making it. So now I am lying curled up on our bed sobbing with my arms wrapped around my stomach.
“I so sorry but I couldn’t give you any sort of life on my own, because that’s how it would be.” I sobbed talking to our unborn child who would never be anymore than that. Eventually I must have cried myself to sleep because the next thing I knew you were gently shaking me awake and with my wakened state came really bad cramps, I groaned sitting up. My eyes wear sore from all my crying earlier and my throat scratchy all in all I felt the crap.
“Dan…you have to eat something tonight because you can’t have anything tomorrow.” you said quietly, I nodded sitting up as you got up to leave the room.
“Harry, please we need to talk about this.” I cried
“What’s there to talk about Danny, the decisions made there’s nothing to do.” he said quietly before leaving the room obviously refusing to even consider changing his mind. I almost resent him for making me do this…I almost resent the man I love for making me chose between my child and my life with you…and the more I think like this the more I begin to think that no matter what are relationship might not survive this no matter what because I’m not sure if I can ever forgive you not even considering what I wanted…if that’s the case then…maybe I want my baby…if my relationship you won’t last after I do this then I’m not going to do this.
This whole week I have pussy footed around the subject not pushing you to talk but not anymore. This is my body and I want my baby no matter what…but can I do this…can I raise a child on my own…do I really want to lose what we have spent 3 and a half years building…