It's a...
Oh! Rebirth! I get it! So how did I get here…? (And no, not that; it’s been ages since I’ve had that!). [Cue flashback.]
Burnout
I have been SO tired. Tired of school and the seemingly endless slog of papers and “busy work”; tired of feeling like I’ve got a thousand things to do and time enough for only two; tired of falling into bed so exhausted that I dread the coming of the alarm clock; tired of waking up tired; tired of needing to nap for three or four hours per day on the weekend (I know, it’s almost heresy to be tired of naps, but still…); tired of feeling like all the really important things in my life are being ignored in favor of petty details. In short, tired of feeling like the hamster wheel is keeping me running as opposed to vice versa.
Consider this my pregnancy.
Meltdown
No absences left to take. Limited information available with which to work. Huge draft due. Tic, toc. Tic, toc. Tic, toc. Not even looked at the assignment for one class. Tic, toc. Tic, toc. Tic, toc. “Quit if you don’t wanna do it anymore.” Sure, with $100k in student loans piling up. And I don’t wanna quit. I like what I’m doing. I’m just fed up with artificially-created shit and double standards (the latter always having been a huge pet peeve of mine). Ten plus-hour workdays on what’s supposed to be a part-time job; bad food; bad habits; no sleep; more weight; feeling like a loser; out of control; spinning madly; flailing, falling, fuming, fucking up. Bills need paying, money’s there but no time; relax? Ha! When!?!?! If I do, “stuff” doesn’t get done. Negativity flows; flows and grows, and grows and grows and grows. Truth hurts. Stingses and burnses us, it does. But we don’t runs from it, does we, Precious? No, we sure as fucks don’t. Let it come! Bring it! NOW, goddam it, NOW! Flame and fire and hot, hot ash! Smoke and gas, and LET’S DO THIS THING!
Fun thing, labor.
Smouldering Ruin
Nothing. Then Darkness. Sweet, quiet, blissful Darkness. Gentle, sure, confident, strong. Darkness. Small flickers of consciousness. Smoke congealing in Dark Light. Thought. Awareness. Stretching, growing, waking. Focusing. By Will, thought becomes knowledge becomes action becomes fact. [“My inner dialogue these past few days, part 1” goes here.] Now that the Phoenix has Risen, things are looking up. The damn draft (right or wrong) is done. The externship applications are done. Pushing through the pain, reaching down deep and pulling up the energy to get on top again. Kicking out the negativity; flexing the seldom (of late) used muscles; realizing that I can, by gods (and McDonald’s iced mocha moolatte), do what I need to do. My first post-rebirth flight was a smashing success! Now I wheel around to the rest of the stack. Details, details… but I’ve got my mojo back, my juju flowin’, and a new attitude. The details that have been keeping me from what I consider truly important in my life are in for it now. We Phoenixes are rather good with fire, y’know. It’ll take some time to sort it all out, after all it wasn’t fucked up in a day, it won’t be fixed in a day.
But fixed it shall be.
Burnout
I have been SO tired. Tired of school and the seemingly endless slog of papers and “busy work”; tired of feeling like I’ve got a thousand things to do and time enough for only two; tired of falling into bed so exhausted that I dread the coming of the alarm clock; tired of waking up tired; tired of needing to nap for three or four hours per day on the weekend (I know, it’s almost heresy to be tired of naps, but still…); tired of feeling like all the really important things in my life are being ignored in favor of petty details. In short, tired of feeling like the hamster wheel is keeping me running as opposed to vice versa.
Consider this my pregnancy.
Meltdown
No absences left to take. Limited information available with which to work. Huge draft due. Tic, toc. Tic, toc. Tic, toc. Not even looked at the assignment for one class. Tic, toc. Tic, toc. Tic, toc. “Quit if you don’t wanna do it anymore.” Sure, with $100k in student loans piling up. And I don’t wanna quit. I like what I’m doing. I’m just fed up with artificially-created shit and double standards (the latter always having been a huge pet peeve of mine). Ten plus-hour workdays on what’s supposed to be a part-time job; bad food; bad habits; no sleep; more weight; feeling like a loser; out of control; spinning madly; flailing, falling, fuming, fucking up. Bills need paying, money’s there but no time; relax? Ha! When!?!?! If I do, “stuff” doesn’t get done. Negativity flows; flows and grows, and grows and grows and grows. Truth hurts. Stingses and burnses us, it does. But we don’t runs from it, does we, Precious? No, we sure as fucks don’t. Let it come! Bring it! NOW, goddam it, NOW! Flame and fire and hot, hot ash! Smoke and gas, and LET’S DO THIS THING!
Fun thing, labor.
Smouldering Ruin
Nothing. Then Darkness. Sweet, quiet, blissful Darkness. Gentle, sure, confident, strong. Darkness. Small flickers of consciousness. Smoke congealing in Dark Light. Thought. Awareness. Stretching, growing, waking. Focusing. By Will, thought becomes knowledge becomes action becomes fact. [“My inner dialogue these past few days, part 1” goes here.] Now that the Phoenix has Risen, things are looking up. The damn draft (right or wrong) is done. The externship applications are done. Pushing through the pain, reaching down deep and pulling up the energy to get on top again. Kicking out the negativity; flexing the seldom (of late) used muscles; realizing that I can, by gods (and McDonald’s iced mocha moolatte), do what I need to do. My first post-rebirth flight was a smashing success! Now I wheel around to the rest of the stack. Details, details… but I’ve got my mojo back, my juju flowin’, and a new attitude. The details that have been keeping me from what I consider truly important in my life are in for it now. We Phoenixes are rather good with fire, y’know. It’ll take some time to sort it all out, after all it wasn’t fucked up in a day, it won’t be fixed in a day.
But fixed it shall be.