About Me. It was fine to write before, it stays.
Post during Physics II class.. nothing much to say.. I feel like shit, I guess that's something.
I insulted someone I didn't mean to insult.. because I was too wrapped up in my own sadness to think it out.. normally, I would have noticed.. I will apologize when I can.
Again, I fall in the same hole that kindly introduced me to depression. I -always- fall.. have fallen... twice now.
A few thoughts on yesterday.. the conversation I had with the girl was between her and I, only.
People -must- have their own time to grieve and try to get over the stinging pain of a broken heart, and I honestly don't think that getting your heart broken and not fixing oneself immediatly says that you don't ever try, or that you won't.
Friendship shapes itself into what seems more convenient for the person, at the time. If you have a friend and they're acting in a way you consider stupid and/or whiny.. you just think "I don't need/want to deal with this." and just let things go. People only try indefinitely for best friends and lovers, otherwise, giving up is the order of the day.
The pain in these kind of situations is always raised when the person that "caused" it doesn't care, or thinks you're being whiny about it. I mean.. fuck.
I 'choose' to love the ones that will never love me back. These always seem to be one-of-a-kind.
You can see how it pains me that what I want, that there is only one specimen in the world.. won't want me.
My bad self esteem comes mostly from.. well, no one giving a shit about me, or just not feeling that people care about me.. (Or caring, if they do?) and being a fucking loser.
All my friends know french, most know german or japanese too.. they ALL get good grades.. and here I am.. failing like the dumbass I am.
The things I like about myself.. well.. they won't get me anywhere in life. Personality? Hah! Body? That won't get me ANYTHING. (Unless I whore myself out.. which doesn't look too bad.) Mind? If great minds had a chance in this world.. this would be utopia. Besides, I'm not a great mind, nor am I smart. I'm a little bit more enlightened than most, but.. that's at far as it goes.
Being good at videogames, being a kinda good strategist, being good at analyzing most consequences or options for things.. loyalty to the ones I love.. good grammar.. ranting stupidly and saying things I will probably regret later, and don't believe on, when I say them.. they won't get me anywhere. Has any of your employers ever gone "Hm.. I think we need to beat this game." or "We need to write a report.. you, with the good grammar!".. not any of these things will ever get me ahead in.. well, life.
I'm sarcastic, somewhat sadistic, stupid and.. unable to get what I want, but that is mostly because I always want what I won't get. Like someone that loves me. Or super-good grades. Or a life. People think I'm childish, immature.. and the latter is most probably true, but not to the extent they think. I'm mature and an adult with the things I need to be an adult with.
Few people have held a serious conversation with me, when they find a topic that peaks my interest. People think I'm childish about things because I try to make the 'best' out of situations.. be funny, and sometimes, I do it when I shouldn't. I worry too much about things I shouldn't, and don't worry enough about things I should. I have no confidence and even though I don't hate myself, I do not love myself. I am comfortable with myself.. to an extent. What would make more confident in myself? Having someone.
The confidence would come from me saying that even if I have my doubts in what I'm worth... if someone truly loves me, then that means that not only am I good for myself, I'm actually good for others. I can't make anyone feel good.. unless they compare to me, then they would have to feel awesome. Who wants me? No one. No one I want, no one I can ever be with.
It doesn't mean just being myself, but a lover would point out my flaws, and I'd work them out, or, god forbid.. work them out with him/her!
Should I just be comfortable with what I know I will be? Just another person. Just another useless human life in the billions of lives. Even if I get what I want.. that's what I will be. History won't remember me, and I don't really know if I care if it does.
Is there even the slightest chance that I can be with him? Any chance? Even he won't answer that.. he lets things go and lets "destiny" decide. If I somehow manage to actually BE with him.. then it was meant to be. If I do everything he wants me to do, and become a better person for myself, and die on my way over.. he won't care, it just.. wasn't meant to be.
I want to go ahead with my life, go to work, go to school and pass my classes.. but.. what for? I just want to have fun. All this would be for the money, that would then grant me access to the fun I crave. Is it too bad to want to do it with someone by your side? Even if I don't know myself completely, and I'm not the best person around, admittedly, with a shitload of flaws.. but.. is it too bad to want to go to school/work and work to be better.. and coming back home to someone that loves you and will comfort you?
I think some believe that you must first complete whatever process there are that would make you someone that people would love, someone with confidence.. someone experienced, before you can be with someone.
I just want someone with me. Someone that'll make me feel comfortable with myself and who I am.. apparently, if I'm not comfortable with those things BEFORE I get anyone, then I'll just feel those things because I have someone. Is it really impossible to ever be truthfully comfortable with oneself while you have someone?
All my relationships, except my RL one.. have been one-sided. Me going after someone, loving with all my heart.. and knowing they don't love -me-. So, if someone doesn't like me for who I am.. then I must change myself? Somehow.. that doesn't seem completely right.. changing so people will like me. Then again, why would someone be interested in me, ever?
There are always requirements, people always want something. People just don't seem to be able to just.. love. Prerequisites.. everywhere. Nothing in life is free, and the things that are, we didn't even ask for. Sex, money, appearance.. or just wanting a 1.5 Version of someone they like. Always. "If only he had more money/was better-looking/was exactly what I want."
Did people just.. lose the ability to love who they like? Must people -always- be sure of what they'll be getting? I mean, taking someone as your significant other is serious business.. but.. people seem to have lost the ability to just throw things at the wind and hope for the best. Gamble things away, be happy.. but no.. we are all too scared of sadness to do it. And if you don't get what you want, then try to make it work.. no no.. they shouldn't have to be bothered with that, now should they?
I just KNOW he'll be pissed and he'll let me know that I'm wrong on everything, because.. well, I probably am.
I feel like shit. If only I was tiny, brown and smelly, I'd be right on. I have no energies.. no.. wants.. no nothing.
What do I want? Someone that I love and loves me back, and enough money to keep both of us happy. Doesn't sound like much.. but actually the hardest things to get.
I think.. somehow.. I'll live an empty life. Go to school, graduate, get a job, and work until I die. A mindless drone. Sounds easier.. but not very appealing.
I'll better myself while I'm at it. I'll be -that- guy. The guy that no one wants, or even takes a second look at. As much confidence or self-esteem I may have.
Live a stereotype life. Everyone seems to be doing it.
I'd rather live and die a life that no one will remember and be happy during it.. than to somehow trascend in life, and be lonely and sad.
Squigglz.. I'm sorry I've never been around to answer your messages.. I always get home late. >.<
-shin
I insulted someone I didn't mean to insult.. because I was too wrapped up in my own sadness to think it out.. normally, I would have noticed.. I will apologize when I can.
Again, I fall in the same hole that kindly introduced me to depression. I -always- fall.. have fallen... twice now.
A few thoughts on yesterday.. the conversation I had with the girl was between her and I, only.
People -must- have their own time to grieve and try to get over the stinging pain of a broken heart, and I honestly don't think that getting your heart broken and not fixing oneself immediatly says that you don't ever try, or that you won't.
Friendship shapes itself into what seems more convenient for the person, at the time. If you have a friend and they're acting in a way you consider stupid and/or whiny.. you just think "I don't need/want to deal with this." and just let things go. People only try indefinitely for best friends and lovers, otherwise, giving up is the order of the day.
The pain in these kind of situations is always raised when the person that "caused" it doesn't care, or thinks you're being whiny about it. I mean.. fuck.
I 'choose' to love the ones that will never love me back. These always seem to be one-of-a-kind.
You can see how it pains me that what I want, that there is only one specimen in the world.. won't want me.
My bad self esteem comes mostly from.. well, no one giving a shit about me, or just not feeling that people care about me.. (Or caring, if they do?) and being a fucking loser.
All my friends know french, most know german or japanese too.. they ALL get good grades.. and here I am.. failing like the dumbass I am.
The things I like about myself.. well.. they won't get me anywhere in life. Personality? Hah! Body? That won't get me ANYTHING. (Unless I whore myself out.. which doesn't look too bad.) Mind? If great minds had a chance in this world.. this would be utopia. Besides, I'm not a great mind, nor am I smart. I'm a little bit more enlightened than most, but.. that's at far as it goes.
Being good at videogames, being a kinda good strategist, being good at analyzing most consequences or options for things.. loyalty to the ones I love.. good grammar.. ranting stupidly and saying things I will probably regret later, and don't believe on, when I say them.. they won't get me anywhere. Has any of your employers ever gone "Hm.. I think we need to beat this game." or "We need to write a report.. you, with the good grammar!".. not any of these things will ever get me ahead in.. well, life.
I'm sarcastic, somewhat sadistic, stupid and.. unable to get what I want, but that is mostly because I always want what I won't get. Like someone that loves me. Or super-good grades. Or a life. People think I'm childish, immature.. and the latter is most probably true, but not to the extent they think. I'm mature and an adult with the things I need to be an adult with.
Few people have held a serious conversation with me, when they find a topic that peaks my interest. People think I'm childish about things because I try to make the 'best' out of situations.. be funny, and sometimes, I do it when I shouldn't. I worry too much about things I shouldn't, and don't worry enough about things I should. I have no confidence and even though I don't hate myself, I do not love myself. I am comfortable with myself.. to an extent. What would make more confident in myself? Having someone.
The confidence would come from me saying that even if I have my doubts in what I'm worth... if someone truly loves me, then that means that not only am I good for myself, I'm actually good for others. I can't make anyone feel good.. unless they compare to me, then they would have to feel awesome. Who wants me? No one. No one I want, no one I can ever be with.
It doesn't mean just being myself, but a lover would point out my flaws, and I'd work them out, or, god forbid.. work them out with him/her!
Should I just be comfortable with what I know I will be? Just another person. Just another useless human life in the billions of lives. Even if I get what I want.. that's what I will be. History won't remember me, and I don't really know if I care if it does.
Is there even the slightest chance that I can be with him? Any chance? Even he won't answer that.. he lets things go and lets "destiny" decide. If I somehow manage to actually BE with him.. then it was meant to be. If I do everything he wants me to do, and become a better person for myself, and die on my way over.. he won't care, it just.. wasn't meant to be.
I want to go ahead with my life, go to work, go to school and pass my classes.. but.. what for? I just want to have fun. All this would be for the money, that would then grant me access to the fun I crave. Is it too bad to want to do it with someone by your side? Even if I don't know myself completely, and I'm not the best person around, admittedly, with a shitload of flaws.. but.. is it too bad to want to go to school/work and work to be better.. and coming back home to someone that loves you and will comfort you?
I think some believe that you must first complete whatever process there are that would make you someone that people would love, someone with confidence.. someone experienced, before you can be with someone.
I just want someone with me. Someone that'll make me feel comfortable with myself and who I am.. apparently, if I'm not comfortable with those things BEFORE I get anyone, then I'll just feel those things because I have someone. Is it really impossible to ever be truthfully comfortable with oneself while you have someone?
All my relationships, except my RL one.. have been one-sided. Me going after someone, loving with all my heart.. and knowing they don't love -me-. So, if someone doesn't like me for who I am.. then I must change myself? Somehow.. that doesn't seem completely right.. changing so people will like me. Then again, why would someone be interested in me, ever?
There are always requirements, people always want something. People just don't seem to be able to just.. love. Prerequisites.. everywhere. Nothing in life is free, and the things that are, we didn't even ask for. Sex, money, appearance.. or just wanting a 1.5 Version of someone they like. Always. "If only he had more money/was better-looking/was exactly what I want."
Did people just.. lose the ability to love who they like? Must people -always- be sure of what they'll be getting? I mean, taking someone as your significant other is serious business.. but.. people seem to have lost the ability to just throw things at the wind and hope for the best. Gamble things away, be happy.. but no.. we are all too scared of sadness to do it. And if you don't get what you want, then try to make it work.. no no.. they shouldn't have to be bothered with that, now should they?
I just KNOW he'll be pissed and he'll let me know that I'm wrong on everything, because.. well, I probably am.
I feel like shit. If only I was tiny, brown and smelly, I'd be right on. I have no energies.. no.. wants.. no nothing.
What do I want? Someone that I love and loves me back, and enough money to keep both of us happy. Doesn't sound like much.. but actually the hardest things to get.
I think.. somehow.. I'll live an empty life. Go to school, graduate, get a job, and work until I die. A mindless drone. Sounds easier.. but not very appealing.
I'll better myself while I'm at it. I'll be -that- guy. The guy that no one wants, or even takes a second look at. As much confidence or self-esteem I may have.
Live a stereotype life. Everyone seems to be doing it.
I'd rather live and die a life that no one will remember and be happy during it.. than to somehow trascend in life, and be lonely and sad.
Squigglz.. I'm sorry I've never been around to answer your messages.. I always get home late. >.<
-shin