(no subject)
If you want something for your head, listen to "De-Loused in the Comatorium." Yeah. This is a set of transcendental wings. Take flight.
This has been building for a while now. It started with my diet. I gave up pop. That sounds like a laughably mild thing to give up, but try laughing when you're passing kidney stones by the time you're 20. Last summer I probably drank an average of 2 liters of pop a day. And that is ridiculous.
I have appropriate portions. I have fruit and vegetables at every meal. I haven't had fast food or even french fries from the dining places on campus in months (I'm not counting Taco Bell though). I try to get 8 hours of sleep a night.
But all of this is pointless when I have weekly sessions of self destruction. So I am going to try to stop.
All of this was self medication at its finest, because to be honest, I haven't been okay with myself in a long time. Yes, this is the prototypical confession of the kid with low self esteem. This is cliche. I don't care. I don't have the energy to try and sound atypical. It's been said and done before, but it's what I feel. I am not a pioneer; I am a kid that is sick of destroying himself.
Because this is me:
I'm shy
I love to be sarcastic, but I can be overly serious.
I am hard to get to know, because I never know what to say.
I am a social misfit.
I am a hopeless romantic who writes shitty poetry and never likes the right girls.
I've got chubby cheeks and a big nose but I've got nice eyes if you look right and your vanity will never change the fact that I'm fucking sharp.
I do not crop my vocabulary for anyone. People can take that like I am arrogant or find me obnoxious for it, but if you buy my shares you will see amazing dividends. I am the horse that you took a 10 to 1 bet on who will win you the race. Because you had that feeling about me.
I am not tough. If we fistfought I would probably punch you once, and then feel really bad about it.
A quick note to those that know: NO this does not mean I'm straight edge, and therefore I won't possess the sick sense of superiority that a lot of those kids harness so effectively, nor will I pretend to follow a philosophy when I don't know where it began (with a punk band named Minor Threat whose music isn't even good in my opinion). I like the origins of that philosophy and the ideas that it's meant to represent, but that has become a far too twisted beast for me to ever realistically X up.
But this is me and I will understand if you reject me because I have rejected myself for so long. I have been spending this time away from my family, away from the mass influences of my friends, away from everything that is polar, and I have been getting to know myself again. My resolve has been easily weakened in the past. I have been persuaded. I am guilty of being a tool. And for that I will be forever repulsed. But when you've been lost (and all that metaphorical shit) and you find yourself, it's an incredible feeling. Embracing who I am is a new deal for me, but it is so easy. And the best part is it feels the most right.
But enough of all this corny, emotional shit.
I'm going to go nurse what I hope is the last hangover.
This has been building for a while now. It started with my diet. I gave up pop. That sounds like a laughably mild thing to give up, but try laughing when you're passing kidney stones by the time you're 20. Last summer I probably drank an average of 2 liters of pop a day. And that is ridiculous.
I have appropriate portions. I have fruit and vegetables at every meal. I haven't had fast food or even french fries from the dining places on campus in months (I'm not counting Taco Bell though). I try to get 8 hours of sleep a night.
But all of this is pointless when I have weekly sessions of self destruction. So I am going to try to stop.
All of this was self medication at its finest, because to be honest, I haven't been okay with myself in a long time. Yes, this is the prototypical confession of the kid with low self esteem. This is cliche. I don't care. I don't have the energy to try and sound atypical. It's been said and done before, but it's what I feel. I am not a pioneer; I am a kid that is sick of destroying himself.
Because this is me:
I'm shy
I love to be sarcastic, but I can be overly serious.
I am hard to get to know, because I never know what to say.
I am a social misfit.
I am a hopeless romantic who writes shitty poetry and never likes the right girls.
I've got chubby cheeks and a big nose but I've got nice eyes if you look right and your vanity will never change the fact that I'm fucking sharp.
I do not crop my vocabulary for anyone. People can take that like I am arrogant or find me obnoxious for it, but if you buy my shares you will see amazing dividends. I am the horse that you took a 10 to 1 bet on who will win you the race. Because you had that feeling about me.
I am not tough. If we fistfought I would probably punch you once, and then feel really bad about it.
A quick note to those that know: NO this does not mean I'm straight edge, and therefore I won't possess the sick sense of superiority that a lot of those kids harness so effectively, nor will I pretend to follow a philosophy when I don't know where it began (with a punk band named Minor Threat whose music isn't even good in my opinion). I like the origins of that philosophy and the ideas that it's meant to represent, but that has become a far too twisted beast for me to ever realistically X up.
But this is me and I will understand if you reject me because I have rejected myself for so long. I have been spending this time away from my family, away from the mass influences of my friends, away from everything that is polar, and I have been getting to know myself again. My resolve has been easily weakened in the past. I have been persuaded. I am guilty of being a tool. And for that I will be forever repulsed. But when you've been lost (and all that metaphorical shit) and you find yourself, it's an incredible feeling. Embracing who I am is a new deal for me, but it is so easy. And the best part is it feels the most right.
But enough of all this corny, emotional shit.
I'm going to go nurse what I hope is the last hangover.